A Lost Alcoholic Woman’s Quiet Way to Die

This story has been getting a lot hits over the last several months and I felt it was finally time to re-post it. I have been sober for a little over 4 years now and I’m still going through an emotional healing process that has been very painful. It’s been the hardest thing for me to feel my feelings instead of numbing them with alcohol. Some people think the beginning of sobriety is scary because they have to feel their feelings and then they get super overwhelmed at the thought of feeling their feelings for the rest of their lives. It definitely has not been easy, but with God’s help and with amazing love and support from my pastor and church family and recovery ministry AND dare I share that I’ve been having some amazing breakthroughs with the help of a wonderful Christian Psychotherapist that God led me to…well, learning to feel my feelings instead of trying to numb them is saving my life.

I don’t think you found this page by chance. I believe God led you here. If you’re tired of hiding your secret, tired of being in denial, tired of being lost, sick, depressed, tired of feeling alone–that nobody can possibly understand…if you’ve lost everything or are about to because of your addiction, please know that you are SO not alone and with hard work it IS possible to get sober and stay sober! I pray that you will get help before your addiction kills you like it did Julie Kroll. You may get by for years, but eventually the alcohol and drugs kill. The devil is counting on it. So many of us are ashamed to reach out for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I pray you will surrender and get help. I have nothing to do with Julie Kroll or the documentary, I just want to share it because I think so many need to hear it. I hope you read about it and watch the documentary mentioned in it that can be found on YouTube or Amazon Live Streaming (for a small cost that’s worth it) or share it with someone you know who needs help. Most important, we can’t do this without God so reach out to Him first. I don’t care what anybody says. Only the Lord can really help us get sober and stay sober. But we also need others who are walking this same walk like the amazing women friends I have in my Christian recovery ministry. They help me stay focused on God and keep on the right path. An addict in isolation is another death sentence.

Then, we need to be vulnerable and share our stories with others so they can find the hope we did. I bet you never thought God could ever use your life to save another…you thought wrong.

Keeping Hope Alive †

I read a heart wrenching story this past December and I have been holding on to it all this time waiting for the right words and the right time to share about it. I guess it’s time. The Lord has been stirring my heart on this extremely difficult and painful subject so here I go again…

This article entitled “A quiet way to die” was about a fairly young woman, who three years earlier at the age of 39, died a horrible and lonely death. Her name was Julie Kroll. A documentary was made featuring her story and four women in the documentary share their shame, hoping they might help another alcoholic woman deal with hers. The name of the film is “Lipstick & Liquor, Secrets in the Suburbs.” In this article, the filmmaker states it’s a pretty film with pretty people. She explains that’s deliberate. Her film shows attractive…

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MY FOREVER BROKEN SOUL       

Wow. Forever. That’s what I keep hearing every time I think about and continue to tearfully deal with my own brokenness. It’s been almost four months since I’ve written last and a lot has happened in my life since then. First, I celebrated my 4th year of God’s miracle sobriety (thank You, God!). Soon after that, I graduated from Celebrate Recovery’s Step Study (12 Step program).  And now I have a brand new nephew who was born on Palm Sunday. A brand new life! Praise the Lord! There’s so much more to celebrate and to be grateful to God for, which I have been. But there is also still so much pain that I’m discovering that is barely reaching the surface. The slow healing process has been all in God’s perfect timing and in HIS way. Not my own. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I finally stopped asking Him “God, why don’t You just reach down and completely heal me already??!!” I mean, He’s done it in other areas of my life like physical healing’s, but with my deep emotional scars…well, not so much. It’s been very slow, and it’s been PAINFUL. Believe it or not though, I wouldn’t want it any other way because it draws me so near to Him and I am learning such life saving lessons that I wouldn’t learn with an instant healing so I am very grateful for that!

I have been walking this incredible emotional healing journey with the Lord for over a year now. I think it has been the toughest part of my journey thus far. I’ve mentioned before in other posts that I really had no idea how broken I was until I was taken back in time so I could figure what it was in my life that caused the depression and darkness and the desire to try to drink myself to death, and learn from it. Going back and digging deep into my soul was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I didn’t think I could ever be thankful for this, but I truly am thankful to the Celebrate Recovery ministry for taking me there. It was definitely the hand of God that led me to that ministry and the timing of it blows me away. None of the healing that I have received so far would have happened had I not stepped out in faith and started their Step Study. I must tell you, I so did not want to be there, but just like at the beginning of my spiritual journey over four years ago, I just kept showing up. God kept showing up too. He still does of course. You see for me, it was more than my dad walking out of my life when I was a young teen that caused all of my issues in life. That was truly a traumatic event in my life that started me down the dark path, but I’ve since discovered that there’s much more to my hurting and depression. There were more traumatic events that took place later on so I can’t blame it all on him. Years of burying the pain helped me to forget about it, but I never really truly forgot about it. You can’t heal what you don’t feel, right? There have been things in my life, even to this day that trigger old painful memories to come back. It’s been difficult for me to admit that I am still broken, but I guess it’s unrealistic to think that the hurts will completely go away some day never to be remembered ever again. Besides, if I don’t remember them, how am I going to be able to help others through theirs? I believe that only broken people can help broken people. So I am going to keep learning all I can in dealing better with the pain so I can get through this and share it with others.

Not a whole lot of people around me know (well, I guess they will now if they read this) that I’m in therapy working on some of the deep emotional scars that have come to surface. I was concerned because I felt myself starting to feel like I was going backwards a bit into depression. I can’t go back there, I just can’t. So after some prayer and seeking guidance from my pastor and another dear friend I trust, God led me to someone who has been wonderful in helping me to overcome the past hurts and tools to help me through new difficult situations that may trigger old ways of thinking so that I can avoid going back into the pit. Just like CR, I didn’t want to go and pour my hurting heart out to a stranger! But I don’t regret one moment of it and I thank God for strong men and women of faith who are therapists! God has been a part of just about every session and I am grateful! Why am I sharing this? I don’t know!! It’s a God thing—I’m just following His lead praying it will let someone else know it’s okay if they need help. God uses everything for good.

Okay, so I’m thinking that my soul will be forever broken while walking this earth and if that’s true, it’s actually a good thing for me. I am embracing the pain. Now honestly, I wasn’t thinking that a couple of weeks ago as I was crying through more pain, but now that my eyes are dry I see it’s a good thing because I will always be dependent on God. It will make Him my one and only desire. I don’t ever want to live this life on my own again, putting all of my hope in people and things of this world. It didn’t work out so well for me the first 44 years of life. It almost killed me like it has killed so many already. This is why I share my life. It is my hope that my testimony will encourage someone out there who is where I used to be.

Friend I’m really glad you’re here reading this. Perhaps you’re someone who is at the end of your rope barely holding on. You may be considering ending it all because the pain is too much to bear. Don’t do it. I’m grateful that I didn’t. God is here and He loves you more than you can ever imagine. He’s just waiting for you to call out to Him. You don’t need an elaborate prayer. You can say something as simple as “Jesus, I need You. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m tired. Will you help me?” Friend, He is real and He WILL help you if you ask Him to, so I pray you will. But you must remember it’s HIS when, and HIS way. I just know that if you do this, your life is about to change in a drastic way. Surrender your heart and just trust Him and others (like me) who are walking the same walk. Just take a look at my other stories to see some of the amazing things God has done. I’m taking chances sharing my heart so openly on this blog. I hope it will encourage you to take a chance too. Is it going to be easy? No. But I can testify that it is sure going to be more than worth it.

“Lord, I lift my hurting friends up to you. Please bless them and start the healing process in them. You led them here for a reason, Lord. Bring people like me into their lives so they do not have to walk this journey alone. Bring them people who can help them find hope in You. Bring people to them who will show them Your love. Make Yourself real to them like you have done for me and so many others. Help them to know Your love and that Your gift of life is SO worth living for. Thank You, Lord.  In Your precious name Jesus, I pray. Amen.”

Thanks to you all for “listening” to my heart. It feels good to be writing about the great things of God in my life again. God bless you. ♥

I hope God makes you cry (too)…

Those words are heartfelt, even though they may come across as cruel. That isn’t my intention. If God makes you cry the way He makes me cry, then you are beyond blessed and I wish that I could sit with you and hear your story of God in your life. If you’re someone who has not yet experienced the awesomeness of God’s power in your life, maybe you’re even wondering if He is real (like I used to wonder), then I wish I could sit with you as well and perhaps convince you to allow me to share God’s amazing testimony in my life with you. Maybe, just maybe, you’d find some hope through it. Maybe you’d feel His powerful Presence through me—I seem to glow pretty darn bright when given a chance to share the great things of God. I can feel the glow every time I write or speak about Him. But since we can’t sit together in person, that’s why this blog was created. Not to tell my story, but to tell HIS story. I hope you will take a look at some of the previous posts, they are all true stories from the heart. Amazing stories of God’s miracles in my life. It’s hard to tell if this blog will continue, I still don’t get to write as much as I wish but I continue to follow my heart and keep taking chances with posts hoping that the Lord blesses a soul or two along the way. From what I can tell, He is moving through it a bit and I am grateful for that.

So, God makes me cry…A LOT. Much of it has been from growing pains in recovery. I knew I was broken, but I had no idea how much. The year 2013 brought everything to the surface and wow has it been some healing process. Many, many, MANY tears. I’ve been thinking of all the tears I have shed over the last few years since I became sober and made a decision to give my heart and entire life to Jesus. Well, first I gave my heart to Jesus, then about five years after that I gave my entire life to Jesus, THEN I became sober after a couple of decades of alcoholism and rock bottom cry for help. Only God has the power to do that. I believe and know it in my heart. Stories I’ve heard more than once have convinced me of it as well. I’ve heard where people who had been sober for 10 plus or even 20 plus years relapsed. When they fell, they fell hard. They lost EVERYTHING. Each time, the person admitted that they had turned away from God. We get strong and then some of us get foolish. We try taking control again believing that we can do it on our own. It may work for a while, but we WILL fall. It’s just a matter of when. Some of us may take longer than others. I don’t want to be that person. So over and over again, I surrender to God asking Him to help me because I CANNOT keep my sobriety on my own. I thank God that I know that. I had to make some major changes in my life and I see some people not ready to do that yet. I keep praying for them. I pray the Lord will give them the strength and desire to do whatever it takes to get well.

In my church and Bible study at Hope Center of Christ, we are currently studying The Sermon on the Mount, starting of course with The Beatitudes. I love the first one: “Blessed are the poor in spirit…”  I like how The Message puts it: “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope…” and God’s Word Translation says it this way: “Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless…” the meaning of Matthew 5:3 doesn’t get any clearer than that. The moment I became “poor in spirit” admitting that I am helpless and powerless without God and asking Jesus to help me was when His amazing power took hold of me and stopped me from succeeding in drinking myself to death.

It is January 20, 2014. If you look to the right of this blog page you will see a milestone tracker counting down to my celebration date for 4 years of sobriety—February 26, 2014. It says “1 month to go”. I’m down to counting the actual days and it’s 37!!! Praise God! My sobriety is a 100% miracle from God after crying out to Him from a hospital room. I will never forget it, I will never regret it. That was February 26, 2010, the morning after my 44th birthday. I reluctantly started a 12 step program at Celebrate Recovery in January 2013. I swore I didn’t really need to do it, but that was a lie. I, of course, was in denial. Well, it’s a little over a year later and I am about two months away from graduating. I almost quit in the middle of it when it got too hard, but God kept me strong and He has blessed me with amazing people who encouraged me to never quit. I don’t think I could have made it this far without them, especially my pastor. After I graduate, it seems I will have a chance to start co-leading a small group in the near future. If it’s God’s will, I will become the small group leader and then who knows what He’s got for me next. I can’t think that far ahead, it gets too overwhelming. I do pray though, that God will bring someone in my life that I can walk alongside and minister to and encourage to never give up and to keep God first. I think I will make a good sponsor, I have learned so much in the last few years and I want to give away that knowledge. I want people to experience God like I have.

I’ve come a long way in the healing process. I’ve made it through the most difficult parts which have really prepared me quite well to deal with future challenges. But God still makes me cry. I cry when I feel His overwhelming love pouring into my heart. I cry when I pray for others because He’s given me a heart that feels the pain of the broken hearted. After all, my heart is broken because His heart is broken too. I cry when I see the amazing stars on a clear night. I cry when I see a breathtaking sunrise or sunset. I cry when I hear the beautiful songs of the birds singing to God in the morning. I cry when I get to sing beautiful worship songs with an amazing praise team in church on Sundays. I cry because I know I am loved and I am worth dying for. I cry because I am a daughter of a King. I cry because I am alive and Jesus has set me free. I cry because I have a reason to keep living–to serve God and help other hurting hearts. I cry because God did not allow me to die in the pit of hell that I was captive in for my entire adult life. I cry because I have seen miracle after miracle. I cry because I am beyond blessed and grateful to God for everything. All this crying is from an overflowing grateful heart. Those are the best kind of tears to cry. And when God is finished with me on this earth I will die. But it will not be the end. It will be the beginning of something unimaginably AWESOME. Man, that makes me cry even more. 🙂

So for anybody reading this…I hope God makes you cry too. There will be some tears of pain, but I pray most of your tears will be from pure joy that comes from the Lord. And when the tears start to wear you down a bit, don’t get discouraged. Be encouraged. If I can do all of this and remain steadfast, so can any of you. Remember, it’s His power not your own that will keep you standing strong. Think about this: You have a reason to live too. Someone else’s life is depending on it and God’s testimony that He’s waiting to write into your life is going to help save a life or two. How awesome is that?! In the meantime, here’s a Bible verse for you to remember about your tears: “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Psalm 126:5) Amen. I can certainly testify to that.

Thank you for reading my post. Please share it with someone who may need some encouragement. Ask the Lord for help in whatever your struggle is, have a teachable spirit, and NEVER EVER give up. God loves you more than you can ever know. I’ll be praying…

To the Lonely, Depressed, Broken: You don’t have to stay that way…I didn’t.

I am grateful to God for giving me an amazing desire to share my vulnerable heart with anybody who will listen. I share my struggles as well as victories. God has performed miracles in my life and what good is it if I don’t share what He’s done for me with the world? This has given my life much meaning and I do it with the hope that people who are struggling will be encouraged to perhaps either turn to Jesus for the first time, or renew their faith in Him.

I am focusing on recovery today. I pray that anybody who is hurting, lonely, depressed, broken, or whatever your struggle may be, will consider beginning a recovery program. I pray this post will inspire you to take that courageous step sooner than later. There are different recovery programs out there, but the only one I am going to share about is Celebrate Recovery because that is where I go. It’s all I know. First and foremost, it is Christ-centered which is extremely important to me, but you don’t need to be a Christian to attend. Everybody is welcome. Second, recovery is for anybody who is struggling with “hurts, hang-ups, and habits” (as CR states it). I love the fact that it’s not just for alcohol or drug addiction like many people incorrectly assume. I happened to be one of “those people” before I gave it a chance and found out more about it.

Not many of my earlier posts on A Reason to Live have been about the progress of my recovery journey at CR. It’s not because I don’t want anybody to know about my progress or know that I’m even in recovery to begin with.  If you know me at all, you know my life has been an open book for quite a while now. Being this vulnerable and transparent was SO not part of my plan at all. No way would I have chosen that for myself. I believe some people who know me think I’m crazy to share such personal things about my life. I mean, you gotta be crazy to share very personal things for all to see on the internet, right? Well, you can call me crazy, but I like to call myself an obedient servant of the Lord. He’s creating an incredible testimony through my life and I’ll do anything to share it for Him. Somehow A Reason To Live has reached 37 countries including the USA. I’m not a typical blogger. I only write when the Lord puts something on my heart to share. I am amazed that this blog gets hits almost every day even though I’m averaging maybe one post a month lately. That’s a God thing for sure.

Anyway, the reason why I haven’t written much about my recovery is because it has been quite intense for me. My progress is where much of my focus has been, so writing gets put on the back burner. I am glad that I am finally able to share how I’m doing. I have no reason to hold anything back so I will share that this recovery journey at CR has been THE most difficult, and many times, THE most painful process that I have ever been through in my entire life. EVER. I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to discourage anybody from doing recovery, I just have to be honest with how mine has been going. You must also know that it has been more than worth it because I am learning life-saving lessons. Even though I have suffered much growing pain, this recovery journey is turning out to be the biggest blessing of my life. I do not regret one moment of it. I do not regret one tear. I am receiving healing for past hurts that I could have sworn I was over and were forgotten. It turns out that they were only forgotten. They had been buried very deeply into my soul. I think that’s an extremely dangerous place to be for someone like me who used to be a severely depressed alcoholic in isolation.

I will never forget that first night as I drove into the church parking lot to check out CR. I did not want to get out of the car! A dear friend from afar contacted me that night and gave me the encouragement I needed to just do it, so I did. I was warmly greeted by strangers and that helped a lot. But when I first walked into that CR meeting, I truly did not feel that I belonged there. After all, I had already been sober for a little over two years. God gave me that miracle sobriety so why did I need a recovery program?? I kept asking God, why are You sending me here? Weeks later, I would get my answer, but initially I remember feeling so out of place. I had no idea what CR was about prior to that first night. I thought it was strictly for alcoholics and drug addicts and I only thought that because that’s what I had understood from someone else who was misinformed at the time. I learned quickly that CR is so much more. It truly is for everybody.

It took about eight consecutive weeks of showing up for me to start to feel that just maybe I really did belong there. I kept hearing the seasoned people say “keep coming back” and I honestly did NOT want to keep coming back. But I did, and I am so glad I did. I was encouraged to join their Step Study which is known as the Christ-centered 12 steps. It was something else that I really didn’t want to do, but I felt the Lord leading me to do it, so I signed up. This part of the program has been the toughest part of the journey for me. I cry a lot. But I am amazed at the healing that is taking place in my heart. This program is transforming my life all over again. I have put my whole heart into this and it is taking me to a whole new level on this faith walk with Christ.  I am a leader in the making now. The Lord has shown me that my future includes being a CR leader. It’s been God’s plan for my life all along and I’ve just discovered it this year. How blessed am I to have found my divine purpose in this life.

I feel I’m supposed to share these important events in my life. Not because it has anything to do with me or what I’ve done, but because it’s all about God and the great things HE has done. And I just hope and pray that it will be encouraging for others because it shows that God will do great things, beyond any imagination, in the life that seeks Him with their whole heart and makes His will their priority.

God gave me my miracle of sobriety in early 2010. It came from a rock bottom call out to Him in a hospital room. I wasn’t even sure He was real, but I fully surrendered all of me to Him for the first time and He answered my prayer and I have never touched another drink. He delivered me from the depression. HE IS REAL.

October 2011

“Miracles Remembered!”

If that wasn’t amazing enough, I was asked to share God’s miracle during a televised church service that was recorded on October 2, 2011, and aired weeks later reaching many people nationwide and internationally. That was a miracle in itself because I’m just me. I never could have imagined that a seven minute interview would be so powerful. But that’s how God works. I agreed to do it because I wanted people to find hope in Jesus and turn to Him for help. I didn’t think about those who knew me and that they would be finding out for the first time through an interview that I had lived decades with depression and a drinking problem. At least I tried not to. I was a bit nervous about speaking in church and knowing it would be recorded, but my pastor prayed over me prior to the service and I was comfortable enough to get through it with her. It was a wonderful experience and my life hasn’t been the same since.

I remember that one of the questions my pastor had asked was if I had done a 12 step program and of course the answer had been “No”. How incredible is it that one year later, in October 2012, I would start attending Celebrate Recovery not really understanding why I was there?! I never could have imagined that I would be starting the 12 step program just two months after that.

You see, in my case, God didn’t send me to CR to get sober. He had already taken care of that. God sent me there to receive proper healing so I could have a better chance at staying sober. He sent me there to use my life and testimony to encourage and walk with others in their recovery. He sent me there to get leadership training so I can one day bring this wonderful and needed ministry to my own church home. He sent me there to give me purpose–to have a meaningful life. He sent me there so I could bring Him glory. What an honor. What a gift of life. And to think I almost ended it a while back. I am so in awe and grateful for what He’s doing.

People need to know that this is not just about putting an end to our destructive patterns or addictions. We must get behind the issues that caused us to be destructive in the first place. I had no idea I was still carrying around deeply rooted pain until I participated in the step study. I do shed a lot of tears, but it’s true that there is healing in tears. I am learning to let go of hurts and the shameful things I’ve done in the past. It’s not easy, but the Lord is definitely healing me through this wonderful ministry. I am so grateful for the friends He has placed in my life. I need my friends. I can’t do this alone, none of us can. It is scary for me to think how easy it is for people to relapse. It doesn’t matter how long a person has been in recovery. Everyone is capable of relapsing if they stray away from God thinking they can do it on their own. I know that I am absolutely powerless without God being in charge of my life. And I need godly friends to hold me accountable. I have recovery friends and other ministry friends who do this for me and they pray for me and I am beyond grateful for every single one of them.

I pray this post will encourage someone to take a step of faith and allow the Lord to help them. And if anyone is in need of recovery for any kind of hurt or struggle, I pray you will give Celebrate Recovery a try for a while and see what God does. Even if you don’t believe in Him, He believes in you. I believe in time, you will know He is real and your life will never be the same. God is still in the business of doing miracles. My life is proof of that.

In just over five months, I am celebrating my fourth year of sobriety. Wow. What an incredible ongoing miracle that I get to keep telling the world about!

To God be the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Am I really battling suicidal thoughts again? How can that be after all God has done for me?

Tough subject to write about, but I need to share what I have been walking around with lately. I haven’t written anything for well over a month now. I honestly started to think my blogging days were over (although I’m not much of a blogger with only 48 posts in 15 months). I felt like I had completely lost the passion for sharing my heart so openly. I guess that really isn’t the case. I just needed less time on the laptop and extra time with my Lord so I could keep my focus completely on Him while He brings me through some difficult challenges—amazing challenges that He’s using to prepare me to lead a recovery ministry at my church. That’s another miracle of His in the making somewhere down the road. I figured that if God wanted me to share something worth sharing, He’d put the desire back on my heart and give me the words. Well, it seems that’s exactly what He’s doing right now, so here we go…here is post #49 for Matters of the Heart (A Reason to Live).

It’s good for me to share that I’ve been struggling…a lot…this past month or so. I believe there’s gotta be people out there feeling the same. We need to pray for each other. As I continue to grow leaps and bounds in the Lord, my spiritual journey with Him is getting more and more challenging. I became overwhelmed to the point to where I have been battling some thoughts that have surprised me, especially after all the amazing things and miracles that the Lord has been doing in my life over the last few years. I was feeling like I was battling a bit of depression once again. Thoughts of not wanting to go forward any longer on this journey because it just gets too hard at times, made me think that I was feeling suicidal again. I didn’t want to just throw in the towel and tell God to find someone else while I start doing my own thing. I believe that quitting my walk with the Lord means quitting life altogether. That’s because I remember so well what it was like living in darkness, in the devil’s chains all of those years of drinking trying to kill the pain. That was a slow and painful death. If I don’t keep walking with the Lord, to me, that surely means death is the only other choice. This life is hard, but how can I choose death over life with Jesus?? I can’t. I was there and I can’t go back to it. I am choosing life, trusting the Lord one step at a time—that’s about all I can handle and He knows it and His power in me blows me away.

So am I really battling suicidal thoughts? Maybe not. My so-called suicidal thoughts are nothing like what they used to be back in the days that I had suffered from severe depression trying to drink the pain away. I didn’t know Jesus at that time. There was no hope for me back then. Today, I DO have hope in Jesus. Yet, these thoughts and emotions over the last few weeks had me thinking very unhealthy thoughts and I couldn’t stop thinking of Pastor Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide just a few months ago. This young man was blessed with good godly parents and he couldn’t hang on. He knew the Lord, why did he do it? I’ll never understand. That really tore me up when I heard the sad news. My heart felt so broken. I cried as if I had lost a close friend or family member. He was in the family of God, so I suppose I really did. My heart breaks for people that can’t hold on. I’ll never understand how I survived all of those dark years without the Lord. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand. I wish I could have met Matthew Warren before he died. I would have really liked to try to understand what he was going through in his heart and mind. When I was struggling recently, I was thinking about how nice it would be to never cry again, to never get my heart broken again, to never see people I care deeply for, suffer. It’s been so hard for me today seeing someone I love, who has had such an important part in my spiritual journey of sobriety, battle a serious illness.

Leaving earth and going to heaven sounds so good, I was wondering if it would be so bad if that happened for me sooner than later? I was starting to think strongly that because I’m not married and don’t have children, that there’s really nothing here for me anyway. Everyone else has their lives to live and their own families, nobody would notice that I’m gone. You know what? The devil has been working overtime trying to get me to believe those lies. He’d really like to see  me leave so God wouldn’t be able to use my heart to reach others for Him the way He has been. The devil doesn’t want God to save more lives. I guess this is the only time where my stubbornness pays off because I can’t let the devil win. Through my time with the Lord and praying about all of this, I’m discovering that I am not really battling suicidal thoughts. It turns out that I’m just longing to be with my Lord Jesus in Heaven. He’s shown me that I’m not really suicidal, I’m  just extremely Homesick and He wants me to keep trusting Him and keep holding on! So, I will!

I love what the Apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, it’s so how I feel in my heart: “…I desire to depart and be with Christ which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil. 1:23,24)

I am not trying to compare myself to Paul. I  am not great like he was. But I have been given a mission in life and that’s to do all I can to keep growing strong in the Lord, to become a leader in His recovery ministry, and to keep sharing from the heart—a wonderful gift the Lord has given me (so I’m told) so that He can reach hearts through mine. Bottom line is I need to keep living my life for the Lord. Like Paul said, “For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.” (Phil. 1:21) When the Lord is finished with me on this earth, I will finally get to go Home and be with Him and with those who have gone before me. I will get my great reward. The Lord sure does make this life with Him worth holding on for.

Thank you for listening to my heart, it’s never easy for me. But when you listen to me, I believe you’re really listening to the Lord. God bless you all. And for those who think there’s nothing to live for, I want you to know it’s not true—don’t let the devil win. He is such a liar. There is always a reason to live…live for Jesus. He died a horrific death so that you may have life and have it abundantly. He can save others through you too and that is an awesome reason to live! I hope you’ll follow me in following Him, and CHOOSE LIFE! I promise you, you will not regret it. Jesus will make sure of that. ♥