Am I really battling suicidal thoughts again? How can that be after all God has done for me?

Tough subject to write about, but I need to share what I have been walking around with lately. I haven’t written anything for well over a month now. I honestly started to think my blogging days were over (although I’m not much of a blogger with only 48 posts in 15 months). I felt like I had completely lost the passion for sharing my heart so openly. I guess that really isn’t the case. I just needed less time on the laptop and extra time with my Lord so I could keep my focus completely on Him while He brings me through some difficult challenges—amazing challenges that He’s using to prepare me to lead a recovery ministry at my church. That’s another miracle of His in the making somewhere down the road. I figured that if God wanted me to share something worth sharing, He’d put the desire back on my heart and give me the words. Well, it seems that’s exactly what He’s doing right now, so here we go…here is post #49 for Matters of the Heart (A Reason to Live).

It’s good for me to share that I’ve been struggling…a lot…this past month or so. I believe there’s gotta be people out there feeling the same. We need to pray for each other. As I continue to grow leaps and bounds in the Lord, my spiritual journey with Him is getting more and more challenging. I became overwhelmed to the point to where I have been battling some thoughts that have surprised me, especially after all the amazing things and miracles that the Lord has been doing in my life over the last few years. I was feeling like I was battling a bit of depression once again. Thoughts of not wanting to go forward any longer on this journey because it just gets too hard at times, made me think that I was feeling suicidal again. I didn’t want to just throw in the towel and tell God to find someone else while I start doing my own thing. I believe that quitting my walk with the Lord means quitting life altogether. That’s because I remember so well what it was like living in darkness, in the devil’s chains all of those years of drinking trying to kill the pain. That was a slow and painful death. If I don’t keep walking with the Lord, to me, that surely means death is the only other choice. This life is hard, but how can I choose death over life with Jesus?? I can’t. I was there and I can’t go back to it. I am choosing life, trusting the Lord one step at a time—that’s about all I can handle and He knows it and His power in me blows me away.

So am I really battling suicidal thoughts? Maybe not. My so-called suicidal thoughts are nothing like what they used to be back in the days that I had suffered from severe depression trying to drink the pain away. I didn’t know Jesus at that time. There was no hope for me back then. Today, I DO have hope in Jesus. Yet, these thoughts and emotions over the last few weeks had me thinking very unhealthy thoughts and I couldn’t stop thinking of Pastor Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide just a few months ago. This young man was blessed with good godly parents and he couldn’t hang on. He knew the Lord, why did he do it? I’ll never understand. That really tore me up when I heard the sad news. My heart felt so broken. I cried as if I had lost a close friend or family member. He was in the family of God, so I suppose I really did. My heart breaks for people that can’t hold on. I’ll never understand how I survived all of those dark years without the Lord. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand. I wish I could have met Matthew Warren before he died. I would have really liked to try to understand what he was going through in his heart and mind. When I was struggling recently, I was thinking about how nice it would be to never cry again, to never get my heart broken again, to never see people I care deeply for, suffer. It’s been so hard for me today seeing someone I love, who has had such an important part in my spiritual journey of sobriety, battle a serious illness.

Leaving earth and going to heaven sounds so good, I was wondering if it would be so bad if that happened for me sooner than later? I was starting to think strongly that because I’m not married and don’t have children, that there’s really nothing here for me anyway. Everyone else has their lives to live and their own families, nobody would notice that I’m gone. You know what? The devil has been working overtime trying to get me to believe those lies. He’d really like to see  me leave so God wouldn’t be able to use my heart to reach others for Him the way He has been. The devil doesn’t want God to save more lives. I guess this is the only time where my stubbornness pays off because I can’t let the devil win. Through my time with the Lord and praying about all of this, I’m discovering that I am not really battling suicidal thoughts. It turns out that I’m just longing to be with my Lord Jesus in Heaven. He’s shown me that I’m not really suicidal, I’m  just extremely Homesick and He wants me to keep trusting Him and keep holding on! So, I will!

I love what the Apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, it’s so how I feel in my heart: “…I desire to depart and be with Christ which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil. 1:23,24)

I am not trying to compare myself to Paul. I  am not great like he was. But I have been given a mission in life and that’s to do all I can to keep growing strong in the Lord, to become a leader in His recovery ministry, and to keep sharing from the heart—a wonderful gift the Lord has given me (so I’m told) so that He can reach hearts through mine. Bottom line is I need to keep living my life for the Lord. Like Paul said, “For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.” (Phil. 1:21) When the Lord is finished with me on this earth, I will finally get to go Home and be with Him and with those who have gone before me. I will get my great reward. The Lord sure does make this life with Him worth holding on for.

Thank you for listening to my heart, it’s never easy for me. But when you listen to me, I believe you’re really listening to the Lord. God bless you all. And for those who think there’s nothing to live for, I want you to know it’s not true—don’t let the devil win. He is such a liar. There is always a reason to live…live for Jesus. He died a horrific death so that you may have life and have it abundantly. He can save others through you too and that is an awesome reason to live! I hope you’ll follow me in following Him, and CHOOSE LIFE! I promise you, you will not regret it. Jesus will make sure of that. ♥

12 thoughts on “Am I really battling suicidal thoughts again? How can that be after all God has done for me?

  1. So open and honest, Debbie. I think you are learning what it means to live under the cross in this present life. The eyes and ears (and the devil and the world) tell us it would be so much better to get out from the depression, the struggles, the battles. But being a theologian of the cross listens to the Savior, the voice of the Shepherd. My prayers continue for you.

    PS: Maybe Dustin and I can meet with you again, before my fall schedule takes over.

    In Christ, Rich

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    1. Rich, I’m so grateful for your encouragement, support and prayers. Yes, it would be nice if we could all find a time to meet again.

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  2. Deb, as long as we live on this earth in it’s fallen state we will battle the thoughts that come from an enemy who hates the children of God. That’s why 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says that we fight not with carnal weapons but with spiritual ones by taking authority over the thoughts that come into our minds. And again in Ephesians 6:10-18 the Apostle Paul reminds us that our battle is not with people but with the spiritual entities of the darkness of this world. Anytime that you set out to do something new for God there will be challenges. 1 Corinthians 16:9 says that with every new door of opportunity comes many adversaries. You are an effective witness for the Lord. He has given you a ministry born out of your own trials and hardships. You have a good future in Him that will bear fruit for the kingdom of God. Don’t let the devil tell you that you need to give it up and go on home to be with the Lord. Fight the good fight of faith and hold on to eternal life! Don’t give up or quit or cave in. Just keep hanging on to Jesus and stand on God’s word. He always leads us to triumph in Christ Jesus! God bless you!

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  3. I walk daily with people who struggle with the issues you write about, and I am thankful for how deeply each person blesses the world we live in, even in their suffering. I am thankful that we are all connected. I appreciate what you have shared here and trust that God is using your witness for encouraging others.

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    1. Dear Janet,

      Thank you so much for writing to me and letting me know. I too am thankful that we are all connected. I trust that your faithfulness in walking with people who struggle like this is a wonderful blessing and God uses you in mighty ways. You certainly have encouraged my heart. Blessings, in Christ.

      Debbie

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  4. Debbie… you are SO brave for sharing this stuff. I envy your courage! You may not realize it, but when I look at you, I see a warrior for God. Put on your spiritual armor every day and know that your Father loves you and your brothers and sisters in Christ love you too!!

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    1. Oh, Scott thanks so much for your words. Your dear mom has been a great teacher and encourager in my walk. I am grateful for all of my brothers and sisters loving me, praying for me, and cheering me on. I couldn’t be more blessed!

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  5. Your post touched my soul! I survived suicide more than 13 times- I never died, finally got the message that God wanted me to live, the reason you are here is because you are inspiring people.This is your life’s purpose, you are blessed. Recently, my 16 year old daughter’s friend killed herself.I was shattered, my daughter is in serious depression. My heart on impulse thought of suicide , of just leaving this earth, but, I thought, no, I am alive for a reason. You are not alone, you have my love and prayers always with you! God bless you! Amen!

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    1. Dear friend,

      I am amazed at how God is using my heart to reach others, I am truly blessed. Thank you so very much for sharing with me, the Lord has an amazing testimony in you and He is using you to help others! What a blessing. I am so sorry about your daughter’s friend. It is so heartbreaking when others don’t make it. You and I and others like us are definitely here for a reason and I am grateful to God that we are. God bless you and you have my love and prayers also!

      Debbie

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