Wow. Forever. That’s what I keep hearing every time I think about and continue to tearfully deal with my own brokenness. It’s been almost four months since I’ve written last and a lot has happened in my life since then. First, I celebrated my 4th year of God’s miracle sobriety (thank You, God!). Soon after that, I graduated from Celebrate Recovery’s Step Study (12 Step program). And now I have a brand new nephew who was born on Palm Sunday. A brand new life! Praise the Lord! There’s so much more to celebrate and to be grateful to God for, which I have been. But there is also still so much pain that I’m discovering that is barely reaching the surface. The slow healing process has been all in God’s perfect timing and in HIS way. Not my own. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I finally stopped asking Him “God, why don’t You just reach down and completely heal me already??!!” I mean, He’s done it in other areas of my life like physical healing’s, but with my deep emotional scars…well, not so much. It’s been very slow, and it’s been PAINFUL. Believe it or not though, I wouldn’t want it any other way because it draws me so near to Him and I am learning such life saving lessons that I wouldn’t learn with an instant healing so I am very grateful for that!
I have been walking this incredible emotional healing journey with the Lord for over a year now. I think it has been the toughest part of my journey thus far. I’ve mentioned before in other posts that I really had no idea how broken I was until I was taken back in time so I could figure what it was in my life that caused the depression and darkness and the desire to try to drink myself to death, and learn from it. Going back and digging deep into my soul was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I didn’t think I could ever be thankful for this, but I truly am thankful to the Celebrate Recovery ministry for taking me there. It was definitely the hand of God that led me to that ministry and the timing of it blows me away. None of the healing that I have received so far would have happened had I not stepped out in faith and started their Step Study. I must tell you, I so did not want to be there, but just like at the beginning of my spiritual journey over four years ago, I just kept showing up. God kept showing up too. He still does of course. You see for me, it was more than my dad walking out of my life when I was a young teen that caused all of my issues in life. That was truly a traumatic event in my life that started me down the dark path, but I’ve since discovered that there’s much more to my hurting and depression. There were more traumatic events that took place later on so I can’t blame it all on him. Years of burying the pain helped me to forget about it, but I never really truly forgot about it. You can’t heal what you don’t feel, right? There have been things in my life, even to this day that trigger old painful memories to come back. It’s been difficult for me to admit that I am still broken, but I guess it’s unrealistic to think that the hurts will completely go away some day never to be remembered ever again. Besides, if I don’t remember them, how am I going to be able to help others through theirs? I believe that only broken people can help broken people. So I am going to keep learning all I can in dealing better with the pain so I can get through this and share it with others.
Not a whole lot of people around me know (well, I guess they will now if they read this) that I’m in therapy working on some of the deep emotional scars that have come to surface. I was concerned because I felt myself starting to feel like I was going backwards a bit into depression. I can’t go back there, I just can’t. So after some prayer and seeking guidance from my pastor and another dear friend I trust, God led me to someone who has been wonderful in helping me to overcome the past hurts and tools to help me through new difficult situations that may trigger old ways of thinking so that I can avoid going back into the pit. Just like CR, I didn’t want to go and pour my hurting heart out to a stranger! But I don’t regret one moment of it and I thank God for strong men and women of faith who are therapists! God has been a part of just about every session and I am grateful! Why am I sharing this? I don’t know!! It’s a God thing—I’m just following His lead praying it will let someone else know it’s okay if they need help. God uses everything for good.
Okay, so I’m thinking that my soul will be forever broken while walking this earth and if that’s true, it’s actually a good thing for me. I am embracing the pain. Now honestly, I wasn’t thinking that a couple of weeks ago as I was crying through more pain, but now that my eyes are dry I see it’s a good thing because I will always be dependent on God. It will make Him my one and only desire. I don’t ever want to live this life on my own again, putting all of my hope in people and things of this world. It didn’t work out so well for me the first 44 years of life. It almost killed me like it has killed so many already. This is why I share my life. It is my hope that my testimony will encourage someone out there who is where I used to be.
Friend I’m really glad you’re here reading this. Perhaps you’re someone who is at the end of your rope barely holding on. You may be considering ending it all because the pain is too much to bear. Don’t do it. I’m grateful that I didn’t. God is here and He loves you more than you can ever imagine. He’s just waiting for you to call out to Him. You don’t need an elaborate prayer. You can say something as simple as “Jesus, I need You. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m tired. Will you help me?” Friend, He is real and He WILL help you if you ask Him to, so I pray you will. But you must remember it’s HIS when, and HIS way. I just know that if you do this, your life is about to change in a drastic way. Surrender your heart and just trust Him and others (like me) who are walking the same walk. Just take a look at my other stories to see some of the amazing things God has done. I’m taking chances sharing my heart so openly on this blog. I hope it will encourage you to take a chance too. Is it going to be easy? No. But I can testify that it is sure going to be more than worth it.
“Lord, I lift my hurting friends up to you. Please bless them and start the healing process in them. You led them here for a reason, Lord. Bring people like me into their lives so they do not have to walk this journey alone. Bring them people who can help them find hope in You. Bring people to them who will show them Your love. Make Yourself real to them like you have done for me and so many others. Help them to know Your love and that Your gift of life is SO worth living for. Thank You, Lord. In Your precious name Jesus, I pray. Amen.”
Thanks to you all for “listening” to my heart. It feels good to be writing about the great things of God in my life again. God bless you. ♥
4 thoughts on “MY FOREVER BROKEN SOUL ”
Good to see you Deb!
Thank you, good to be back!
What a wonderful thing you are doing here Debbie, sharing your deepest hurts to help others.
That’s what we’re here for and you really get it. Your an inspiration and I’m blessed to call you sister and friend.
Lots of love & hugs sent to you,
Dear Sandy, my Amazing Grace sister…thank you SO much for your kind words. I am truly blessed and so encouraged to keep pouring out my heart with the hope that others will find hope in HIM. Love you!