Tag: Suicidal Thoughts

Breaking Free From the Man Who Said He Loved Me (Because Love Should Never Cause Emotional Trauma)

L-O-V-E. I do not know why I cannot shake the thought about love lately. It is not the kind of love that many of you are blessed to have. I am talking about the so-called love that causes emotional trauma. Real love does not hurt like that — it should never hurt like that. It is hard for some to understand why it is not as easy as it seems to just walk away and let go. I know because I spent most of my adult life thinking that way. That is, until it happened to me…

I am writing this because I had suffered in silence for too long and I know there are some out there right now going through this very thing. I know you feel trapped, alone, and perhaps too embarrassed to reach out to someone close to you. You do not want anyone to know. Why? Only you can answer that. For me, it was shame. I was too ashamed to let anyone know the situation that I had gotten myself into. It was all my fault and I was stupid to let it happen. That is the lie that I truly believed. I hated that I had become so weak and needy. I used to be so strong. I just wanted someone to love me, so I pretended that he did when things were good. And when things were bad, I drank myself through it. I regret that I suffered in silence instead of reaching out. It almost killed me. I was only able to break free because I discovered that God is real and He helped me. He sobered me up first, then gave me the courage and the strength to walk away. So now, what I used to keep a secret, I openly share because I want others to know that suffering alone does not have to be. You do not have to be trapped. You too, can be free.

I have shared in older posts that I was in a mentally abusive relationship. It caused severe emotional trauma. I never knew that love could hurt the way it did. It is not supposed to be like that. For the longest time I was so alone and ashamed and I did not believe that mental abuse was really abuse so I kept my mouth shut and allowed it to continue. But I was so wrong. It is abuse. I saw someone put it this way in a recent blog: “Abuse doesn’t always manifest as a black eye or a bloody wound. The effects of psychological abuse are just as damaging.” I could not have said it better myself. It is the truth. All that time I was silent, I had wished I was getting hit thinking that it would help me to cry out for help. That makes me sad today because I think there are others thinking that as I write this. I was able to break free before the first hit came. I believe it was just a matter of time before it did. I say this because of an evil explosion of anger that came that really put fear in me like I had never known before. It wasn’t something I caused, but because I was there, I suffered for it. Then I heard the words “I warned you about my anger.” Hitters usually say that, don’t they? Thankfully, I will never know.

Because I was too weak to break away (after all he did tell me he loved me), I endured his abuse for too long. I was in too deep. I did not know how to let go. I believed that nobody else would ever love me. I convinced myself that I was damaged goods and that no one else would ever want me, so I stuck around and kept taking it. And as for reaching out to someone on the outside, I would rather have died from alcohol poisoning or from mixing alcohol with pills than admitting to anyone the horrific things that I was allowing to happen to me.

Now that I have God in my life and I am 100% sober, I know that it was never love. This guy was a master manipulator and being that I was such a lost soul with zero self-esteem, he caught on to that right away and used it. Boy, did he use it. I get teary eyed when I go back there in my mind and remember how it was.

After the newness of the relationship had worn out, I found myself slowly becoming more afraid of him. I was afraid to speak. I was afraid that I would say something that he would turn against me. I remember an instance when we were talking about something he was going through and all of a sudden I was accused of saying something about him that he took offense to. He then proceeded to tell me that he needed to take a step back and examine my character. There was another time where I was with friends, men and women, for a gathering that I had asked him to go to. He did not go, but of course he called me and because he heard a man’s voice in the background I was suddenly accused of cheating on him. I’ll never forget that hole he ripped into my heart later that night. I tried contacting him after the party and he hung up on me and shut his phone off. Later, he decided to send me a text and said “I hope you’re happy with your new boyfriend.” My tender and already broken heart sank even more when I read that. He had shut off his phone again so I couldn’t respond or call. That was torture. There were so many times when I had called where he would answer, but wouldn’t say a word and would hang up on me. He would later explain he was working or something — we were in a long distance relationship at that time. It was craziness that I kept going back for more for. Other times if I did or said something that he didn’t like, I would find myself getting intense silent treatment. I remember one time I just sobbed because I didn’t even know what I had said or done to deserve it. He would just shut down on me with no explanation. Then there was the intimacy. I practice abstinence now, but back then I did not know God so I did not care or think much of it. What a big mistake that was. I was literally sleeping with the enemy. He was addicted and there was just something about him that managed to tear down my self-esteem even more. I had no idea that it could get me deeper into the dark pit of depression the way it did. Things got worse from there. There’s so much more I could share, but I think this is enough. Why did I stay? I have no idea. The only explanation that I can come up with today is that I was truly a lost soul.

I am grateful that is no longer the case. God saved me. He not only saved my life and gave me a new hope, He gave me the self-esteem of Christ. He became my first love and this will never happen in my life again because I have a whole new set of eyes and I will see the wolves that come in sheep’s clothing. I am eternally grateful for that.

I do not know if what I have shared has been any help to anyone. I am sure praying that it does help because putting myself out there like this is HARD. I am praying that someone will be encouraged — someone whose circumstance is similar to what I was saved from. Do not give up hope and do not stay suffering in silence. You too can break free, but you need God’s help to do it. There is no shame in reaching out. Reach out to God first, then reach out to others. If you do not have anyone close to you that you can trust, know that there are others out there who truly understand what you are going through. We can only understand if we have been through it ourselves. There are support groups out there and they will walk with you as you walk with God to overcome. What God has done for me and others, I know He will do for you. Cry out to Him, He is listening. You WILL overcome.

I am praying for you, with all my heart. God bless.

In the lonely midnight hours when the pain of life hurts the most…

A Reason To Live

It is in those hours that I find myself thinking and crying about the lives that gave up hope. I think about how many have taken matters into their own hands and ended their own pain. I cry about my own pain and how to this day, even with all the amazing miracles of God in my life, I have times where I am in a fierce battle with thoughts so dark I want to do something so that I will never have to battle again. My mind tells me the only way out of that is death and I know it has to be Satan trying to convince me of that. I cry out to God as usual, and sometimes it seems like He’s not there. My mind will tell me He’s given up on me (more of Satan’s lies), but my heart knows that is not true. However, knowing that does not take the darkness or pain away – not completely, and not right away.

So how is it that I keep holding on and pressing through the pain while so many others, especially those who have also been saved by Jesus don’t? I will never know the answer to that and that always troubles my soul. But with God’s help, I pull out of the darkness every single time. I’m discovering triggers that cause the battle to start over and it seems that it gets a little darker each time. I am grateful that I have not given in to them, I know that only God can give me the strength for that and He brings me back into the light each time. I am trying to avoid the triggers, but I am a slow learner. I am especially slow when it comes to learning from my own mistakes. I also battle all the time with feeling so out of place in this world and it seems to happen more and more as I move forward on this journey. I find comfort and rest in the Lord, but I seem to do a good job of getting myself into trouble over and over again. I grow tired and just wish I could leave this world. I haven’t shared these thoughts with anyone, so making this public honestly makes me a bit nervous. My pastor has an idea that I am battling, it is not easy to let her know but I am grateful for her. She doesn’t judge me. She always helps me to see things from God’s perspective. She is a blessing. But, the battle keeps coming back. So I keep fighting the good fight praying that someday, while I am still on this earth, I will finally be able to overcome. I believe that I will. After all, I am “more than a conqueror” Amen?

As difficult as it is to share this, I strongly feel led to and it is my hope that someone else who is battling with these types of thoughts (which I know are of the devil trying to kill us off), will see this and be touched by God like they have never been touched by Him before. I’m praying more will join me in holding on with God’s strength!!

In all the wondering of why I am still here that I have done, I recently realized that it is my reverence for the Lord that keeps me holding on and pushing through the pain. Jesus could have saved Himself from dying that horrible death on the cross, but He didn’t. He loved us all too much to let us die in our sin so He suffered beyond anything we can ever imagine. If He didn’t end His own suffering, who am I to end mine? I will keep holding on and will keep pushing through the pain for His sake. He died for me so that I could live. What was I thinking wanting to destroy this wonderful gift of life He paid for with his own blood??!! I am so grateful that He woke me up AGAIN!

Thank You Jesus, for saving me over and over and over again. Lord God, I pray that more will develop this reverential fear for You and choose the gift of eternal life with YOU. Thank You for loving us that much! You are our light and our salvation! You are our strength! I lift my hurting friends up to You Lord, help them to keep holding on. Remind them that there will be a day when You will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that will be gone forever. Lord, remind them that this is NOT our Home.

Dear friends, our suffering in this world is nothing compared to what Jesus went through. May you find the joy and hope that only He can give. May you keep Him deep in your heart, and may He help you in finding A Reason to Live…a reason to keep holding on, just like He has done for me. Know that YOU ARE LOVED!!

These troubles and sufferings of ours are, after all, quite small and won’t last very long. Yet this short time of distress will result in God’s richest blessing upon us forever and ever!” 2 Corinthians 4:17 (TLB)

Baptism day 11.24.13

I know your hidden pain. You don’t have to hide it anymore…

This is for those who are struggling with pain buried deep inside their soul. Maybe you’re feeling worthless, lonely, unloved, abandoned, and forgotten. Maybe you have lost all trust in the human race and have put up a giant wall around you so now most of your time is spent in isolation. Maybe the isolation is taking its toll and the depression is becoming more severe and perhaps you’re even feeling that life isn’t worth living anymore – the pain and darkness is just too much to bear for one more day.

Well, I really do know your pain. I pretty much just described my life for over 20 years until just a little over four years ago. For decades I tried to escape it all through attempts to drink myself to death. But I’m still here. I’m here for a reason. I want to share some good news. I want someone out there to find hope like I did. I now have victory — victory that can only be found through Jesus Christ. All the bad stuff I believed, were lies. They were lies of the devil who wanted me destroyed. I’m so grateful that I know that now. I’m grateful that I have learned to turn my thoughts around and have learned to listen to the Voice of Truth, which is my Lord Jesus. It took me a while to learn. It’s been a tough walk, but I don’t regret one moment of fully surrendering my life to the Lord. He has helped me to open my heart up to Him so He could come in and do some amazing work in me. He has truly changed me from the inside out. He sobered me up. He showed me I had a reason to live. About every post in this blog speaks of my personal struggles and how God has given me amazing miracles and breakthroughs – VICTORY.

I pray my personal story of transformation and victory will bring you hope that God has not forgotten you either. Stop believing the lies. I spent over 20 years believing I was worthless and that my life was a waste. I tried to numb the pain with alcohol. Of course, it never really helped. It only made me hate myself even more. I thank God that He rescued me from that horrible, slow and painful death that was once the only life I knew.

It’s been very recent where I received my breakthrough in my emotional healing journey. That was a very painful journey bringing years of deep emotional pain to the surface, but I am finally healed and finally free! My last blog post was about a mentally abusive relationship I was in. I had mentioned that I might share a letter of victory in my next post. I almost backed out of doing it, but I feel that I should share it to show someone who is struggling right now that there IS hope. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on God! In this letter, I speak of a longing that I was praying that God would either fulfill or remove from me. At the time, I hadn’t heard either way, so I kept hoping for that desire that was in my heart. I will share now that a lot has changed since writing the letter back in April 2014. God has answered my prayer in a wonderful way. It wasn’t the way I had initially hoped for. He has removed the desire I was hoping for and has replaced it with a much better one.

So here I go, I think this may be my most vulnerable moment, but I pray with all my heart that the below letter will give someone hope that God can do the same for anybody who seeks. It’s strange to share something so personal, but I hope it will be a blessing to someone out there. Don’t lose heart. Your victory is coming too.

Letter of Victory by D. Bonilla (April 2014)

“This is about true transformation. It’s about how I have gone from years of believing I am worthless, to knowing and believing that I have value because Jesus Christ lives in me. My transformation also means that I will no longer be afraid to trust. The wall I spent years building around me for protection has been knocked down. The protection I need can only come from God. I now have the faith and belief that God will protect me and will bring the right people into my life. I fully trust that He will give me the discernment to know the people who are safe to let in and the people I need to keep at a safe distance. 

So where will these new healthy beliefs take me? I believe they will help me to reach the top of the mountain of God! There won’t be an obstacle I cannot overcome because He is with me and my new beliefs will help keep me from getting in the way of His blessings. 

I am finding that I still have a deep longing for family. There have been certain triggers that have brought it back. Gratefully, I have recently been able to grieve the loss of never giving birth to my own children so I can move on. From years of brokenness, I had made the choice to close the door to marriage and family without knowing or caring what God’s plan is. I was too afraid to even think about letting another man into my life again, especially because the last one almost finished the job of what the others before him had started — complete destruction of my soul. But now with God in the center of my life and now that I have begun to heal and have changed my way of thinking, I no longer feel that the door to my heart is sealed shut forever. 

I actually see the possibility of a new relationship once again. This gives me such hope for the future. I have a new dream that the perfect man for me, a strong man of God, has already been chosen for me. He will have a passion like mine to serve God in ministry. He will be faithful. He will be a family man. He will be a good father. His children will have children. He will have a love for me that I have never known from any other man in my life. And with the heart that God has given me, I know that I will be able to love him the same. I will be able to love his children as if they were my own. In the years to come I can see us serving together in ministry with the kids and grandkids. You see, I don’t just long for a family, I long for one who serves the Lord together. “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” 

However, if it turns out that this desire is not of God, I also trust that He will completely remove it once and for all and will keep me filled with His Peace and Joy. I trust He will fill the void in my heart (perhaps as a spiritual mother) so I can stop wondering and stop longing. I trust He will give me the contentment to remain single and the strength and desire to dedicate the rest of my life to only Him. I have prayed the prayer to remove or fulfill my desire more than a few times. Since nothing has happened either way yet, I am going to hold on to the hope of family. I will keep praying. My God is faithful. 

So whatever the outcome, I am praising God and claiming victory. I can finally say with confidence that I am NOT worthless. I have amazing faith in an amazing Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can ever imagine. I have a wonderful mother and church family who love and support me and encourage me greatly. I love them back more than they can ever know. The future is so much brighter and exciting than ever. I have incredible HOPE. I am blessed and eternally grateful. My story is just now beginning…”

I’m looking forward to sharing how God has answered the longing that you just read about, I think you will be surprised. I was. But I cried tears of pure joy when I realized how He fulfilled my longing in an unexpected and more incredible way. He’s amazing that way. 🙂

God bless you. I’ll be praying for you.

I was a lost soul—a mentally abused woman who didn’t deserve better.

I don’t know why I felt led to share this old writing from 2012 again…maybe it’s because I recently had a bad dream about the jerk I wrote about. Even so, I believe I’m finally completely healed from the pain he caused. It was super hard for me to see and admit that I had become someone I never thought I’d become, but thank God I am no longer her. God has changed me so much inside and out. I am grateful! As long as I look to Him first and trust He will help me to discern who I can let in and who I should keep away from, this will never happen again.

I am alive and I am free…THANK YOU, LORD!!

Keeping Hope Alive

That’s what the enemy had me convinced of—he’s a good liar.  I was a lost soul and I believed his lies.  I had become someone I swore for years that I would never become.  I became weak, needy, and dependant.  I thought I needed a man in my life bad enough, that I was willing to look past being treated so poorly.  Now, he never raised a hand to me, but he sure knew how to mess with my mind.  He had such control over me.  I pretended it was okay to be treated that way, but deep inside I knew it wasn’t.  I just wasn’t strong enough to break away.

I was getting older and the thought of being old and alone started to bother me, so I allowed myself to be in this unhealthy relationship.  I had zero self-esteem.  I put up with things I never should have…

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MY FOREVER BROKEN SOUL       

Wow. Forever. That’s what I keep hearing every time I think about and continue to tearfully deal with my own brokenness. It’s been almost four months since I’ve written last and a lot has happened in my life since then. First, I celebrated my 4th year of God’s miracle sobriety (thank You, God!). Soon after that, I graduated from Celebrate Recovery’s Step Study (12 Step program).  And now I have a brand new nephew who was born on Palm Sunday. A brand new life! Praise the Lord! There’s so much more to celebrate and to be grateful to God for, which I have been. But there is also still so much pain that I’m discovering that is barely reaching the surface. The slow healing process has been all in God’s perfect timing and in HIS way. Not my own. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I finally stopped asking Him “God, why don’t You just reach down and completely heal me already??!!” I mean, He’s done it in other areas of my life like physical healing’s, but with my deep emotional scars…well, not so much. It’s been very slow, and it’s been PAINFUL. Believe it or not though, I wouldn’t want it any other way because it draws me so near to Him and I am learning such life saving lessons that I wouldn’t learn with an instant healing so I am very grateful for that!

I have been walking this incredible emotional healing journey with the Lord for over a year now. I think it has been the toughest part of my journey thus far. I’ve mentioned before in other posts that I really had no idea how broken I was until I was taken back in time so I could figure what it was in my life that caused the depression and darkness and the desire to try to drink myself to death, and learn from it. Going back and digging deep into my soul was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I didn’t think I could ever be thankful for this, but I truly am thankful to the Celebrate Recovery ministry for taking me there. It was definitely the hand of God that led me to that ministry and the timing of it blows me away. None of the healing that I have received so far would have happened had I not stepped out in faith and started their Step Study. I must tell you, I so did not want to be there, but just like at the beginning of my spiritual journey over four years ago, I just kept showing up. God kept showing up too. He still does of course. You see for me, it was more than my dad walking out of my life when I was a young teen that caused all of my issues in life. That was truly a traumatic event in my life that started me down the dark path, but I’ve since discovered that there’s much more to my hurting and depression. There were more traumatic events that took place later on so I can’t blame it all on him. Years of burying the pain helped me to forget about it, but I never really truly forgot about it. You can’t heal what you don’t feel, right? There have been things in my life, even to this day that trigger old painful memories to come back. It’s been difficult for me to admit that I am still broken, but I guess it’s unrealistic to think that the hurts will completely go away some day never to be remembered ever again. Besides, if I don’t remember them, how am I going to be able to help others through theirs? I believe that only broken people can help broken people. So I am going to keep learning all I can in dealing better with the pain so I can get through this and share it with others.

Not a whole lot of people around me know (well, I guess they will now if they read this) that I’m in therapy working on some of the deep emotional scars that have come to surface. I was concerned because I felt myself starting to feel like I was going backwards a bit into depression. I can’t go back there, I just can’t. So after some prayer and seeking guidance from my pastor and another dear friend I trust, God led me to someone who has been wonderful in helping me to overcome the past hurts and tools to help me through new difficult situations that may trigger old ways of thinking so that I can avoid going back into the pit. Just like CR, I didn’t want to go and pour my hurting heart out to a stranger! But I don’t regret one moment of it and I thank God for strong men and women of faith who are therapists! God has been a part of just about every session and I am grateful! Why am I sharing this? I don’t know!! It’s a God thing—I’m just following His lead praying it will let someone else know it’s okay if they need help. God uses everything for good.

Okay, so I’m thinking that my soul will be forever broken while walking this earth and if that’s true, it’s actually a good thing for me. I am embracing the pain. Now honestly, I wasn’t thinking that a couple of weeks ago as I was crying through more pain, but now that my eyes are dry I see it’s a good thing because I will always be dependent on God. It will make Him my one and only desire. I don’t ever want to live this life on my own again, putting all of my hope in people and things of this world. It didn’t work out so well for me the first 44 years of life. It almost killed me like it has killed so many already. This is why I share my life. It is my hope that my testimony will encourage someone out there who is where I used to be.

Friend I’m really glad you’re here reading this. Perhaps you’re someone who is at the end of your rope barely holding on. You may be considering ending it all because the pain is too much to bear. Don’t do it. I’m grateful that I didn’t. God is here and He loves you more than you can ever imagine. He’s just waiting for you to call out to Him. You don’t need an elaborate prayer. You can say something as simple as “Jesus, I need You. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m tired. Will you help me?” Friend, He is real and He WILL help you if you ask Him to, so I pray you will. But you must remember it’s HIS when, and HIS way. I just know that if you do this, your life is about to change in a drastic way. Surrender your heart and just trust Him and others (like me) who are walking the same walk. Just take a look at my other stories to see some of the amazing things God has done. I’m taking chances sharing my heart so openly on this blog. I hope it will encourage you to take a chance too. Is it going to be easy? No. But I can testify that it is sure going to be more than worth it.

“Lord, I lift my hurting friends up to you. Please bless them and start the healing process in them. You led them here for a reason, Lord. Bring people like me into their lives so they do not have to walk this journey alone. Bring them people who can help them find hope in You. Bring people to them who will show them Your love. Make Yourself real to them like you have done for me and so many others. Help them to know Your love and that Your gift of life is SO worth living for. Thank You, Lord.  In Your precious name Jesus, I pray. Amen.”

Thanks to you all for “listening” to my heart. It feels good to be writing about the great things of God in my life again. God bless you. ♥