Sure hard to believe now that after two and a half years into a journey of a lifetime with the Lord, that I ever had those thoughts. I was tormented by them from the enemy for years, and he almost got his way. Remembering what I was like not too long ago brings more tears to my eyes. I am so grateful to God for what He has done and for what He continues to do in my life.
For those who have lost a loved one to suicide, from the bottom of my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks with you. I won’t pretend to know your pain. There is no way that I can because I have not walked in your shoes. However, my heart breaks every single time that I hear that someone died at their own hands. My heart breaks because I know their pain all too well. I know what it’s like to feel that there’s no other way to make the pain completely stop. We will never be able to understand why some people die, and some people like me don’t. I stopped trying to understand. Only God knows.
By the grace of God, I am still here and I believe that the Lord wants me to share my heart once again on another extremely difficult subject. Just like the last post, this one took me a while to write—just too many painful memories started to surface. It doesn’t get any easier writing such personal things about my life for the world to see, but it has become a big part of my ministry journey, so here I am. I can only hope and pray that the Lord reaches someone through it.
Sometimes I feel guilty talking about how I was saved when someone else lost their loved one. But, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I must give God the glory for what He’s done in my life. I am so grateful. I can’t help someone who has died, but perhaps I can help someone else keep from taking it that far. When I look back now on those days of torment, I believe God was there the entire time just waiting on me to call to Him but I never did until just a few years ago. I didn’t know how to—I figured I had been bad my entire adult life, why would He listen to me? Oh, how wrong I was!! Many times I would spend hours awake at night crying and thinking of ways to end it. I knew that I didn’t want to suffer physically. I wanted to go quickly, but I wasn’t confident that I would do things right. I remember thinking if I was going to go through with it, the best way for me would be to fall asleep in a running vehicle in the garage. In my mind, that was going to be the cleanest, the most peaceful, and the most painless way to go. That was going to be my plan, but thank God I never had a chance to carry it out.
Now that God has opened my heart and eyes, I see how He was there working behind the scenes making things difficult enough for me, which kept me alive. First, He gave me an incredible woman for a mother. After dad left, she sacrificed more for me than I deserved. She kept me going and busy so that I would stay out of trouble. I was a good kid because of how hard she worked and because of her love for me. I have no idea how she did it all. I am grateful for her. I didn’t know it then, but I believe God put it in my heart to hang in there for her. I just couldn’t have her find me dead. Not after all she had done for me. Second, mom and I moved around for years from place to place after we had to give up the house. Amazing how everywhere we lived, there either wasn’t access to a garage, or in time the garage always ended up being storage one way or another…every single one of them.
Because I didn’t have God in my life at that time, I turned to alcohol to get me through the pain. Little did I know I was still committing suicide, but it was a slow and painful death—the very thing I had always wanted to avoid. Interesting, isn’t it? Anyway, having a wonderful mom in my life is the only explanation I can come up with for staying alive long enough until I could open my heart for God to come to the rescue. And because God is God, He delivered me from it all. The suicidal thoughts, the depression, and drinking. I will share His miracles in my life until I am no longer able!
Anyone like me who has been delivered from such tormenting thoughts, I’d like to hear about the great things God has done in your life. I hope you’ll comment. For anyone who is suffering from these thoughts, I hope you will cry out to God and give Him a chance. I hope you’ll fully surrender your life to Him. I am thankful you are still alive and reading this!! I want to ask you to do something: Look back over your life. Could it be that God has been there the entire time causing things to happen behind the scenes (like He did for me), and that’s why you’re still here with us? I have no doubt that is what happened in my life and the reason I was able to hang in there long enough to be rescued by Him. I hope you will keep searching for reasons to live, but most of all, I hope you will cry out to God for help with a sincere heart. He will hear you. What He has done for me, He will do for any of you if you let Him. He will reach down and pull you out of the pit of darkness. There is no pit too deep for Him to reach down and save a lost soul. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, what you have done…He will save you. That’s what He does. You just have to want to be saved. Jesus turned out to be my only reason to live and it is a decision I will never regret. He has given me an incredible second chance at life and has given me an incredible desire to help others. He wants to do the same for anybody who invites Him to. It’s an amazing life!
My heart goes out to those who are where I once was and to those who are watching a loved one go through it. Keep praying. Take one day at a time and don’t give up hope. There IS hope in Jesus. May my life always be a testimony to God’s grace and mercy. If you have a prayer request, I hope you will post it here. I would be honored to pray for you.
Jesus loves you more than you can ever know. I pray you will get to know His love like I have. If you do, you will NEVER be the same.
Thank You Lord, for the gift of life. ♥