I have only been writing this blog for a couple of months now and I am truly grateful for the positive and encouraging responses that I have received from so many. I appreciate it because it really helps me to want to keep sharing God’s greatness in my life no matter how difficult opening my heart like this can be. God has definitely placed a special calling on my life. I feel His call into ministry, but I never could have imagined a blog would become part of it. What an incredible and challenging adventure this has been.
As I write each post, if you were to sit with me while I share things of the heart, you would witness some tears. They’re mostly tears of joy that come from the Lord because of all the wonderful things He has done in my life, but each time seems to start out with tears that come from the painful memories of the past as I write about them. My main purpose for sharing my heart on this blog is to help people find hope for their own lives when they hear what God can do with an ordinary person like me—someone who lived without Him for 44 years. This is the desire that the Lord has given me…to share with a hope that He reaches a heart or two through my testimony. We can’t live this life without hope in Jesus. I know I can’t.
Loneliness keeps coming up lately, so I felt prompted to write about it. There are a lot of lonely hearts out there. I can see them and I can feel them just about everywhere I go. Mostly I see it in single people, but I know it happens to married people as well. Loneliness can be very painful at times. I know this, because I feel this pain every now and then. This journey can be a lonely one for me at times. I am amazed at how many times I have heard about loneliness lately. It helps to know it’s not just me. That is why I am putting this out there. It is for others who think they’re alone in dealing with this. Know that you are not.
You see, my life choices from the past have left me without a family of my own. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I knew what I was doing. I’m not blaming anybody, but I will say that as a kid, going through an ugly and scary divorce with my mom convinced me that I would never get married and go through what she had to. I was convinced that I would never have kids and put them through that. So that’s how I lived my life…making sure that I never had a family. I guess you can say it’s the one thing that I was successful at while being drunk and depressed (it’s not a proud moment). I got used to alienating myself from people—I didn’t know any other way to live at that time. My life was a godless one and so I can see why things weren’t working out well.
Now that I am older, sober, and have the Lord in my life, I have my moments where I find myself wishing things could have been different. The loneliness sometimes occurs after serving the Lord and spending time with people who also love and seek the Lord as much as I do. When service and fellowship is over, of course everybody goes their separate ways. It blesses me so much to see whole families loving and serving the Lord together. Just looking at them you can see how God is always in the center of their lives. That is what I desire in my heart at times—a family who serves God together. But when I get home, I don’t have a family like that to come home to. I have to fight off negative thoughts like “Look what you did, you made these choices, you did it to yourself…” I know where those thoughts are coming from so I fight them and I put my focus back on the Lord and His love for me.
Jesus is my all. I have learned how to spend time with Him on a daily basis where I feel His presence and the comfort and peace of the Holy Spirit. Whenever I find myself feeling lonely, I have learned to ask Jesus to fill that hole. He does every single time. It works most of the time, but I am human so I still have my moments where I crave human companionship. After all, God wired us that way. I am sure loneliness will always sneak in now and again so I’ve learned to not let it get the best of me. I won’t let it bring me down. I may shed a few tears over it once in a while, but I keep my hope in Jesus and He sees me through every time. I am so thankful that I only deal with this ocassionally…so thankful it is not all the time.
I really don’t know why I am sharing all of this about myself, but I felt the Lord wanted me to so here I am. It’s not like I have all the answers that people are searching for in their own lives. I can only speak about my own life and share what helps me. Jesus is the only One I know to reach for now. I don’t look for comfort in people or things. Not any more. That’s what got me into a lot of trouble to begin with.
I hope this will encourage someone’s heart. I pray you will have the desire to just keep seeking the Lord and only the Lord. Not only in times of loneliness, sorrow, pain, or whatever it is that you’re going through, but always. Remember, nobody knows the pain and suffering that we go through in this life better than our Lord Jesus Christ. When you weep, I believe that Jesus weeps with you. There’s nothing that He has not experienced Himself, and there’s nothing He can’t do in your life to turn it around and use it for good. My life is proof of that!! I hope you’ll take a look at some testimony in earlier posts.
Jesus loves you and He wants to help you…call out to Him. ♥