Category Thoughts of Suicide

God never answered my prayers before, so why would He start now?

Debbie B. Leave a comment

It breaks my heart today that so many people feel this way and give up hope.  But I understand what it’s like to be there because that used to be me.  I remember all the years I doubted that God would ever think about answering my cries to Him.  After all, why should He?  I never did anything for Him.  Not one thing.  I never knew Him.  I never had the desire to.   I didn’t care to love Him…I just didn’t know how.  Like many, I only cried out when I was in need.  I honestly don’t know why I kept trying for so long, especially because He never answered.  Well, that is of course, until that last rock bottom cry for help that I’ve written about before.

That last cry out to Him was different from all the many other times.  It’s amazing that He answered for the first time.  I don’t think it was because I was finally at the end of my rope.  Nor was it because of my desperation—I was always desperate every time I cried out.   And it definitely wasn’t because I deserved it–no way did I deserve it.  I believe God finally answered because for the first time in my entire life, my cry came with a sincere heart.  I was done trying to be in control of my own life. I know now that I was never in control, the enemy was and he had taken me to such a dark place.  I felt I had one foot in the grave and the rest of me would end up there soon if I didn’t do something about it.  I wasted over 20 years, but thank God I was finally ready to change before it was too late.   I was finally ready to live–to really live.  And I was willing to allow God to do whatever He had to in my life to get me there.

So many times I have heard people say, “Jesus didn’t say following Him would be easy, but He said it would be worth it.”  That is so true.  I can say that it has truly been worth it.  I really had no idea what I was in for at the beginning.  This has been the hardest work of my life.  But, it has also been the most blessed and rewarding experience I could have ever imagined.  I have also experienced many growing pains through this journey and because the growing will continue, so will the pain that comes with it.  But it has all been more than worth it.  My spiritual growth is incredible.  Life on this earth will always be challenging.  There will always be many trials.  Jesus told us so.  But I can’t imagine going through them without the Him on my side…without Him carrying me through.  Not ever again.  I do all I can to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.  The Lord continues to do His part as He has promised, and I believe that’s because I have kept my promise and I continue to do my part.  No matter how hard or what the cost may be.

Today I have the privilege of encouraging others to do the same.  I can only hope that the way I live my life is a good example for them to follow.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see the fruit of my labor, but whether I do or not, it doesn’t really matter.  That is not why I do what I do.  I will keep sowing the seeds and leave the rest to God.  That has been a difficult lesson, but I am learning.  People sowed seeds into my life and the Lord has made them grow in amazing ways.  Because I am blessed to still have these amazing people of faith in my life, for whom I am so eternally grateful for, I work hard to pay it forward.  I will keep serving the Lord in faith and try to reach as many as I can while I am still here.  I continue to pray that through my life, God will reach people and draw them near to Him.  This is why I am alive today.  I was given a second chance at life and I am not going to waste it this time.

God has given me so much and I want to share it with the world.  I pray someone who is where I once was, will see this and start seeking God with their whole heart right now.  Not just when it’s convenient, not just on Sundays, but every single day.  He’s waiting and if you open your heart and mind to Him and allow Him to have control, you too will see incredible breakthroughs and miracles start to happen in your own life.  You will know joy, peace, and love like you’ve never known before.  Even during the most difficult times of your life.  Who doesn’t want that?!  God will never be more real to you.  I don’t want you to live another day without Him, there is so much more to life than what you’re seeing right now and God will open your eyes to see things that you’ve never seen before.   Get ready for some hard work, but also get ready for the best days of your life to come.

I hope that in time, you too will pay it forward.  May God bless you richly. ♥

Does anybody see or hear the lost and broken walking among us?

Debbie B. Leave a comment

There was a young girl walking around completely lost and so empty inside.  Things got worse for her when the family fell apart, but her troubles really started before then.  Nobody knew how troubled she was.  When she was alone, which was often, all she could do was cry.  She was afraid most of the time.  She really started to hate her life.  She hated the way she looked.  She was short and struggled with weight.  She considered herself quite ugly and worthless (later on, when her dad left and never tried to contact her, she thought it was proof of her worthlessness).  She was always so shy and self conscious. She had a hard time in school, she wasn’t one of the brightest kids and the shyness made it difficult to make friends.  She had some, but in time it became more difficult because she had a hard time trusting.  She had been scarred by some cruel kids growing up.  There were times that some boys thought it was funny to grab her inappropriately.  They liked to mess with the “fat” girl.  She wasn’t a real person to them.  She learned to ignore it and would just keep walking…with her head down.  The walk home from school was quite far. So many times she’d be walking home alone with tears streaming down her face from those hurtful moments.  She didn’t want to tell anybody that she was hurting inside so she did all she could to keep her feelings to herself.  She was embarrassed.  She didn’t think anybody would understand anyway.  She had an early start of growing tired and hopeless.  Thoughts of suicide to end the pain soon followed.  When she reached the 10th grade, things got better.  It was from losing weight.  It gave her some confidence and a boost in self-esteem.  She did make some good friends and the thoughts of suicide were gone for a while.  However, the happiness didn’t last long.  As soon as her parents split apart, it was downhill from there.  In time she became completely lost and felt that nobody really saw or heard her.  She really didn’t want to be seen or heard by then.

I want so much to tell this young girl about Jesus.  I want her to really understand what He did for her on the cross.  I want her to know how much she is loved by God and how He sees her as the apple of His eye.  In His eyes, she is beautiful.  She needs to know that there’s nothing she can do to make Him love her more…or less.  She should know that God has great plans in store for her life.   I want her to know that even though she’ll go through many trials as an adult, she will not be going through them alone because Jesus will never leave her side.   He will lift her up.  I want to tell her that every challenge is an opportunity to grow closer to Him.  He will use everything for His good purpose and she will be richly blessed.   I want to tell her to never give up hope.  In Jesus, we have a hope that never disappoints.  She needs to know that there’s much more to life than what she is seeing and that life is so worth living.

I was that young girl and I sure wish I would have had somebody in my life at that time saying those words or something like them to me.  Even though it didn’t happen that way before I got old enough and chose to reach for the bottle instead of for Jesus, I am so very grateful that I know His love today.  He has completely turned my life around and is using every single painful experience for His glory now.  What a journey this has been.  What’s been happening to me for the last two plus years keeps me in such awe of Him.  He keeps moving in my life in such big ways.  All I can think of doing are things that bring Him glory.  I am called to serve Him in ministry.  It’s my heart’s desire.  I am doing things I never ever could have dreamed of.  The courage He has given me to just show up and be there and open my heart to strangers…wow.  That’s actually how this blog started.  Who pours out their heart like this?  Well, apparently I do but I couldn’t do it without Him leading me to do it, that’s for sure.  I am thankful for the courage and boldness that He gives me.

Again I find it difficult to write about such painful memories from when I was young, but the Lord has placed it on my heart to do it.  I want nothing more for the broken hearted than to feel God’s presence like I do—to feel His overwhelming love, and peace and to be completely healed and rescued from the enemy’s chains.  I want them to have the desire in their own heart to seek Him always and above all.  I want them to receive their breakthroughs and miracles.  This is what I am doing with this second chance at life.  I will do it until I take my last breath on this earth.  My heart is so willing.  I want to live it for Him and I will do all I can for others, praying that I can help them find hope in Jesus too.  I pray that I can be someone who sees and hears a lost soul and boldly shares Jesus with them.  I pray that more of us will pay attention to our surroundings and reach out to the lost and be bold for Jesus.  Maybe,  just maybe we can help a person avoid such pain like I and so many like me have gone through because we didn’t have the Lord in our lives.  How awesome would that be?!

The peace, joy, and love that I carry inside—I’ve never known anything like it before.  It’s indescribable what I feel inside and I know it can only come from the Lord.  I so want other people to feel Him like this!!!  I seek the Lord with my whole heart every day and I always find Him.  This life is hard and I cannot live it without Him.  Not anymore.  I tried that and it didn’t work out very well.  Jesus is truly my all.

So although I can’t see anyone right now, I just want to say from one broken heart to another, I pray you will be inspired to seek Jesus with your whole heart. When you find Him, and I know you will, I pray that you never stop seeking.  I pray that you learn to make Him the center of your life every single day.  Make Him Lord of your life, over ALL of your life.  You will never, ever be the same.

God bless. ♥

Thinking about suicide…

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Sure hard to believe now that after two and a half years into a journey of a lifetime with the Lord, that I ever had those thoughts.  I was tormented by them from the enemy for years, and he almost got his way.  Remembering what I was like not too long ago brings more tears to my eyes.  I am so grateful to God for what He has done and for what He continues to do in my life.

For those who have lost a loved one to suicide, from the bottom of my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss.  My heart breaks with you. I won’t pretend to know your pain. There is no way that I can because I have not walked in your shoes.  However, my heart breaks every single time that I hear that someone died at their own hands.  My heart breaks because I know their pain all too well.  I know what it’s like to feel that there’s no other way to make the pain completely stop.  We will never be able to understand why some people die, and some people like me don’t.  I stopped trying to understand. Only God knows.

By the grace of God, I am still here and I believe that the Lord wants me to share my heart once again on another extremely difficult subject.  Just like the last post, this one took me a while to write—just too many painful memories started to surface. It doesn’t get any easier writing such personal things about my life for the world to see, but it has become a big part of my ministry journey, so here I am.  I can only hope and pray that the Lord reaches someone through it.

Sometimes I feel guilty talking about how I was saved when someone else lost their loved one.  But, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty.  I must give God the glory for what He’s done in my life.  I am so grateful.  I can’t help someone who has died, but perhaps I can help someone else keep from taking it that far.  When I look back now on those days of torment, I believe God was there the entire time just waiting on me to call to Him but I never did until just a few years ago.  I didn’t know how to—I figured I had been bad my entire adult life, why would He listen to me?  Oh, how wrong I was!!  Many times I would spend hours awake at night crying and thinking of ways to end it.  I knew that I didn’t want to suffer physically.  I wanted to go quickly, but I wasn’t confident that I would do things right.  I remember thinking if I was going to go through with it, the best way for me would be to fall asleep in a running vehicle in the garage.  In my mind, that was going to be the cleanest, the most peaceful, and the most painless way to go. That was going to be my plan, but thank God I never had a chance to carry it out.

Now that God has opened my heart and eyes, I see how He was there working behind the scenes making things difficult enough for me, which kept me alive.  First, He gave me an incredible woman for a mother.   After dad left, she sacrificed more for me than I deserved. She kept me going and busy so that I would stay out of trouble.  I was a good kid because of how hard she worked and because of her love for me.  I have no idea how she did it all.  I am grateful for her.  I didn’t know it then, but I believe God put it in my heart to hang in there for her.  I just couldn’t have her find me dead.  Not after all she had done for me.  Second, mom and I moved around for years from place to place after we had to give up the house.  Amazing how everywhere we lived, there either wasn’t access to a garage, or in time the garage always ended up being storage one way or another…every single one of them.

Because I didn’t have God in my life at that time, I turned to alcohol to get me through the pain.  Little did I know I was still committing suicide, but it was a slow and painful death—the very thing I had always wanted to avoid.  Interesting, isn’t it?  Anyway, having a wonderful mom in my life is the only explanation I can come up with for staying alive long enough until I could open my heart for God to come to the rescue. And because God is God, He delivered me from it all.  The suicidal thoughts, the depression, and drinking.  I will share His miracles in my life until I am no longer able!

Anyone like me who has been delivered from such tormenting thoughts, I’d like to hear about the great things God has done in your life.  I hope you’ll comment.  For anyone who is suffering from these thoughts, I hope you will cry out to God and give Him a chance.  I hope you’ll fully surrender your life to Him.  I am thankful you are still alive and reading this!!  I want to ask you to do something: Look back over your life. Could it be that God has been there the entire time causing things to happen behind the scenes (like He did for me), and that’s why you’re still here with us?  I have no doubt that is what happened in my life and the reason I was able to hang in there long enough to be rescued by Him.  I hope you will keep searching for reasons to live, but most of all, I hope you will cry out to God for help with a sincere heart. He will hear you. What He has done for me, He will do for any of you if you let Him.  He will reach down and pull you out of the pit of darkness.  There is no pit too deep for Him to reach down and save a lost soul.  It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, what you have done…He will save you.  That’s what He does. You just have to want to be saved.  Jesus turned out to be my only reason to live and it is a decision I will never regret.  He has given me an incredible second chance at life and has given me an incredible desire to help others. He wants to do the same for anybody who invites Him to.  It’s an amazing life!

My heart goes out to those who are where I once was and to those who are watching a loved one go through it. Keep praying. Take one day at a time and don’t give up hope. There IS hope in Jesus.  May my life always be a testimony to God’s grace and mercy.  If you have a prayer request, I hope you will post it here.  I would be honored to pray for you.

Jesus loves you more than you can ever know.  I pray you will get to know His love like I have.  If you do, you will NEVER be the same.

Thank You Lord, for the gift of life. ♥