Category Depression

Random thought: “So you’ve surrendered your heart to Christ…now what?”

Debbie B. 5 Comments

For some reason, God placed that thought on my heart to share this morning.  It sure isn’t a thought I had each time I surrendered my heart (yes, I had to do it more than once). I think God wants me to share this probably because He doesn’t want people to do what I did next…which was nothing.  At least not for a long time. I was in my early twenties the first time.  I was lost.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  Even if that thought had come back then, I’m guessing it wouldn’t have mattered.  I remember I had a sincere heart, but that’s all I remember.  I have no idea whether or not the church tried to follow up with me, I wasn’t a member of that church. I didn’t have a church I attended regularly.  Plus, I was too lost and too shy to want to try to find any Christians to reach out to.  I’m not putting the blame on anybody but myself. Looking back, I just know that I wasn’t ready.  I wanted to, but I just wasn’t ready to give Jesus my all.  I don’t count that altar call because afterward, I was still going through the motions. I kept doing my own thing…for another twenty plus years. 

I responded to another altar call at the age of 39.  It was at that time that the Lord really started to reach me (a little bit).  But, I still wasn’t ready to completely open my heart to Him.  It took another four years of absolute misery when I responded to another altar call.  Again, I continued to struggle for a bit.  I didn’t know it then, but little by little the Lord continued to reach me.   After that last time, it took another year before the Lord finally got through and I surrendered ALL to Him.  I finally learned to die to self.  I truly learned about His forgiveness AND about repentance (something that I see a lot of people take too lightly like I did initially).  SO grateful that my eyes, ears, and heart had finally been opened!  At first it bothered me that I was 44 when I finally caught on, but I’m okay with it now because nobody is ever too young or too old or too bad to give their heart to Jesus and that is great news! 

I receive a daily devotion from the NLT Life Application Study Bible, and a couple of weeks ago it was in reference to Isaiah 48:22.  I’d like to share what it said:  “Many people cry out for comfort, security, and relief, but they haven’t taken the first steps to turn away from sin and open the channels to God. They have not repented and trusted in Him. If you want true peace, seek God first. Then He will give you His peace.”

I see a lot of people cry out to God then wonder why things are good for a while only to see things fall apart again, again, and again. I see a lot of people doing what I used to.  They say they believe in Jesus and they are thankful for what He did for us, but they act as though His dying on the cross is a free ticket to continue the same sins.  Glad I know now how wrong I was by doing that and I’m so grateful that I’ve learned to turn away from those sins that I have been forgiven for.  I’ll always be a sinner, but I’m not doing the same sins over and over like before. I trust Him, I seek Him daily, I have His peace!

As I end this post I’d like to share one more thing. There’s something I heard Joyce Meyer say regarding Jesus as Lord that sticks with me all the time, especially when I seem to lose focus thinking I’m in control of something.  It goes something like this: “He is either Lord of all, or He is not Lord at all.” It’s all or nothing and I’m so glad He’s my all!!  When that quote comes to mind it makes me stop what I’m doing and I immediately give it back to Jesus and say “Sorry, Lord, I know You’ve got this!”  I can just picture Jesus shaking His head and smiling (many times) when I mess up like that.  What can I say…I keep learning as I go…after all, I am a life-long learner.

How could God possibly love someone like me?

Debbie B. 2 Comments

That’s a thought that I had just over two years ago.  I spent many nights drinking too much trying to numb the pain from my broken heart, for some reason there’s one night that I remember very well.  On this particular night, I think what triggered that thought was when I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was headed to the refrigerator for another cold one.  I don’t know why, but I stopped and took a long look into the reflection of what was a lost soul. I can still picture those lifeless eyes staring back at me. I hated who I had become.  I didn’t blame anybody, I knew I did it to myself and I thought I’d never be able to climb out of that big black hole that I had dug for myself.  I was seriously wondering how God could ever love someone who had spent just about her entire life with her back to Him—no love, no trust, no surrender.  I also wondered why He didn’t let me die like I wanted to. I was certainly ready to go. I wasn’t doing anybody any good being alive. I doubted anybody would notice that I was gone (other than my mom).  Yes, these are very dark thoughts.  They were the enemy’s lies that I believed because I didn’t know any better back then.  I didn’t know God. It’s so not easy writing about my past, but I believe the Lord brought this to my heart tonight to share. 

I am so very grateful to God for saving me from those dark days.  He has really done amazing things in me and through me.  I have been completely transformed. No depression, no drinking…Jesus has completely healed me and set me free. And, I discovered that I AM loved, I was loved even before I knew it!  It’s a love I never knew could exist.  I want others to know His amazing love too.   

It’s truly a miracle that I’m here sharing my heart with all of you. God is now using all that pain and suffering that I went through for good. I’ve learned that I am uniquely qualified to help others who are going through a similar experience. What a blessing it is to be used by God. 

I just want people who are struggling to get to know God’s love like I do and to let Him have control—He’s patiently waiting for those hearts to surrender to Him. It’s something I will never regret doing. My only regret is not doing it much sooner. 

I would like to be able to help many, but if I could just help one person find hope in Jesus through my sharing on this blog, then remembering and writing about the difficult times that I went through is more than worth it. 

I’ve included a link to a song by Laura Story. It has a wonderful message about the Lord’s Perfect Peace.  I pray that God speaks to some hurting hearts through my message as well as through this beautiful song. If those hearts haven’t surrendered to Him yet, I am hopeful they will soon. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqqfDtnv8fY

“His last breath on earth was his first breath in heaven.”

Debbie B. 4 Comments

Father’s Day is a little less than one month away, I felt inspired to share. I spent years struggling with this time of year. The words I used for the title of this post were actual words sent to me in an email from a stranger who had heard about my father’s passing. His death was unexpected. I was thankful for those words, they were comforting to me.

Dad was found dead in his home by police officers in Nevada. He was 72 and he lived alone. Apparently he had been there a few days. I live in Southern California. I’ll never forget the dreadful phone call that came on that Wednesday evening in September 2010. The voice on the other end was a strange man’s voice. I remember him saying those few words—the worst that anyone could ever have to hear over the phone: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dad…” I think I stayed silent for a little bit there. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

This may sound like a sad story, it starts out that way, but there really is a happy ending to it. My dad broke my heart when I was 16 and I wasted over 20 years being angry, hurt, bitter…all the emotions a person goes through when they feel abandoned by a parent. I remember going through life feeling I was robbed because I didn’t have a dad in my life like most of my friends and relatives. I know it wouldn’t have been as bad as it was if I had known my Heavenly Father, but I didn’t. I remember watching others enjoy time with their dads and I used to dream that was my life. I used to wonder what it was like. I used to cry so many times because I saw that I was missing out on so much. I lost so many years with my dad because I really didn’t want much to do with him after I had become an adult. It was too late in my mind for him to try to be there now.

I thought I had forgiven my dad a few years back but it turned out I didn’t. The best thing I ever learned about forgiveness was that it is a decision, not an emotion. I learned to work on it every single day. I even went to a healing retreat at church because I was desperate and determined to learn to truly forgive. I also needed healing. I was a fairly new Christian. I wanted so much to please God so I knew I had to do my part to be able to overcome this. It also scared me to know that God wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t forgive others. That was my biggest motivation. I was determined to work on this no matter how long it was going to take. No matter how difficult it was. I’m grateful to God for putting people in my path to help me learn to do this. I discovered that forgiveness is for the person that needs to forgive. When we don’t forgive, we are drinking poison. We are only hurting ourselves. People actually get physically sick from carrying bitterness and unforgiveness inside. After a while of working on this, I could feel the difference. God was healing me. I forgave my dad and this time it was for real. I even found myself telling him I loved him and I meant it! I hadn’t been able to do that in years! I finally had complete freedom!

Forgiveness came only three months before Dad died. I see now how God worked this all out perfectly (like He does with everything). I was so happy to know that my dad had accepted Jesus. God knew my dad was going to be going home soon and He helped me to forgive him before it was too late. I admit that I may still feel a little sad every Father’s Day. I wish I could have had more time with my dad, but I am grateful for the few good months God gave us. The best part of all of this is that I now have a wonderful relationship with my Heavenly Father. He is the One I celebrate on Father’s Day.

I pray for those who are having a hard time with forgiveness. I was there. It’s not a good place to be. I encourage anybody who needs to forgive to just make the decision to do it. Do your best to keep the emotions out of it…that will help you. Ask God to help you and He will. Don’t drink the poison like I did for too long. It will make you sick and can kill you. You never know when it’s going to be too late to forgive someone, don’t wait to find out. Forgive and be free and be blessed!!

What if…

Debbie B. 2 Comments

On my way to church this morning, I was sitting at a stop light and everything that had been going through my mind suddenly stopped. I couldn’t help but turn my focus toward a man in the crosswalk. It was quite obvious that he was homeless. My heart became so heavy as I watched him walk slowly to the other side of the street. He held his head down the entire time. He seemed so defeated and so broken. He was so dirty. I wondered what had happened to him that made him end up living on the streets. I wondered if he had family or anybody who cared enough to be looking for him. I wondered what was going through his mind. I couldn’t judge him, didn’t even think of it. My heart actually hurt for him. I can’t even imagine what his daily life must be like.

I wanted so badly to do something for this man, but I couldn’t. I was in the middle of traffic. The light turned green and I had to move on. I found myself starting to cry as I asked God to bless him. I prayed that God would send somebody to him to help him find hope and perhaps even help him get cleaned up a little. I wondered if he’d ever heard of Jesus. If not, I wondered if his heart could be reached. Things I will never know, but I can at least pray.

I heard Pastor Andy Stanley say “Do for one, what you wish you could do for everyone.” I keep that in my heart. Maybe I couldn’t help that particular man this morning, but I know there’s at least one person out there that I CAN help. God has given me a servant heart. He’s given me a heart to reach the lost and I pray that never changes.

What if we all did for one…

I may have victory in Christ, but I still deal with leftovers from the dark days. Anybody out there know what I’m talking about?

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Before I invited Christ into my life, I was all alone in my world of darkness. Years of battling depression and drinking to the point to where I couldn’t feel anything caused me to want to be alone all the time—just me and the bottle…my god at the time. My thought back then was it was a good way out so I wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy or I wouldn’t have to explain why I so sad all the time.

I enjoyed being alone (so I thought). I alienated myself from everyone more and more as time went on. Yes, it was a lonely life, but I just couldn’t get myself out of the pit. It doesn’t help that I am an introvert, an extremely shy one. I had very low self-esteem. So drinking wasn’t just good for numbing the pain, it was also my liquid courage. It helped me to be comfortable around people. It helped me to be comfortable in my own skin. It made me funny. I turned into a ham for a while before the sadness got unbearable. I thought the only way to survive this world was to do it alone because nobody understood how messed up I was inside. I know now it was the enemy that had me believing that. He’s a good liar. He likes when we listen to him. He kept me in chains feeding me all kinds of lies and he gave me temporary peace through the alcohol. He was happy that I was dying a slow and painful death.

Thank God those days are over. I thank the Lord for victory and for breaking those chains and setting me free. But, now that I have this wonderful victory, I’m finding that I’m still dealing with what I call “leftovers” from the years of alienation. My life choices caused me to be a loner and it’s difficult to change that, I still sort of enjoy being alone but I think too much can be unhealthy. I can see that it’s going to take a bit of time to overcome.

I have many wonderful men and women of God in my life now. God has blessed me with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. I’m grateful for every single one. I couldn’t do this walk without them. If I’m going to be around people, it has got to be around people of like faith. I need to be around people who have strong faith. Even stronger faith than me. Building a team of godly people to help keep me on track is one of the first things I learned at the beginning of this journey. But of course we can’t be together all the time so it’s during the times when I’m alone that I struggle a bit. It’s mostly with the mind. When I find myself alone, I’m working hard at trying to capture every thought and make it obedient to Christ, just like Paul told us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5. It’s so not easy, but I realize I have to keep on it every single day so the enemy doesn’t have a chance to put unhealthy thoughts in my mind. The daily effort can be tiring, but it is a must. I just can’t go back to the way I was. If I do, I’m quite certain the outcome will not be good, perhaps even tragic. I’ve come too far to allow that to happen. When I do start feeling a little lonely, that’s when I call out to Jesus. He makes it all better right away…I’m smiling as I type this, He is my all.

Well, I felt I should share this because if there’s anyone else out there going through something similar, know that you’re not the only one. I may not know your name, but God does, and I am praying for you. And if it’s okay, I’d like to ask that you please pray for me too. With the Lord’s help, we will overcome. Thank you and blessings in Christ.