Before I invited Christ into my life, I was all alone in my world of darkness. Years of battling depression and drinking to the point to where I couldn’t feel anything caused me to want to be alone all the time—just me and the bottle…my god at the time. My thought back then was it was a good way out so I wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy or I wouldn’t have to explain why I so sad all the time.
I enjoyed being alone (so I thought). I alienated myself from everyone more and more as time went on. Yes, it was a lonely life, but I just couldn’t get myself out of the pit. It doesn’t help that I am an introvert, an extremely shy one. I had very low self-esteem. So drinking wasn’t just good for numbing the pain, it was also my liquid courage. It helped me to be comfortable around people. It helped me to be comfortable in my own skin. It made me funny. I turned into a ham for a while before the sadness got unbearable. I thought the only way to survive this world was to do it alone because nobody understood how messed up I was inside. I know now it was the enemy that had me believing that. He’s a good liar. He likes when we listen to him. He kept me in chains feeding me all kinds of lies and he gave me temporary peace through the alcohol. He was happy that I was dying a slow and painful death.
Thank God those days are over. I thank the Lord for victory and for breaking those chains and setting me free. But, now that I have this wonderful victory, I’m finding that I’m still dealing with what I call “leftovers” from the years of alienation. My life choices caused me to be a loner and it’s difficult to change that, I still sort of enjoy being alone but I think too much can be unhealthy. I can see that it’s going to take a bit of time to overcome.
I have many wonderful men and women of God in my life now. God has blessed me with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. I’m grateful for every single one. I couldn’t do this walk without them. If I’m going to be around people, it has got to be around people of like faith. I need to be around people who have strong faith. Even stronger faith than me. Building a team of godly people to help keep me on track is one of the first things I learned at the beginning of this journey. But of course we can’t be together all the time so it’s during the times when I’m alone that I struggle a bit. It’s mostly with the mind. When I find myself alone, I’m working hard at trying to capture every thought and make it obedient to Christ, just like Paul told us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5. It’s so not easy, but I realize I have to keep on it every single day so the enemy doesn’t have a chance to put unhealthy thoughts in my mind. The daily effort can be tiring, but it is a must. I just can’t go back to the way I was. If I do, I’m quite certain the outcome will not be good, perhaps even tragic. I’ve come too far to allow that to happen. When I do start feeling a little lonely, that’s when I call out to Jesus. He makes it all better right away…I’m smiling as I type this, He is my all.
Well, I felt I should share this because if there’s anyone else out there going through something similar, know that you’re not the only one. I may not know your name, but God does, and I am praying for you. And if it’s okay, I’d like to ask that you please pray for me too. With the Lord’s help, we will overcome. Thank you and blessings in Christ.