Tag Hope

This is for those who are where I used to be—completely lost and making choices that can cost lives, including your own—Do you need a miracle?

Debbie B. 5 Comments

God is the God of miracles!  The Lord has been stirring my heart to share some more about my past. I didn’t think that I could muster up the courage to follow through with this because it is about something I am deeply ashamed of.  However, because I believe it is what the Lord wants from me, I am doing it with the hope that He will use me again to reach a heart or two…to give some hope that change is possible, but only with His power.

I want you to understand that I know how tired you are.  I know how hopeless you feel.  I know you think it is impossible to get out of the deep pit that you are in.  I know all of this because that is where I was just two and a half years ago.  I lived like that for about two decades. You must stop believing the lies of the enemy.  There IS hope in Jesus.  There is no pit too deep for Him to pull you out of.   My transformed life is proof of that!  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for all who cry out to God for help.  Cry out to Him and have faith that help is on the way.

I happened to read something today that brought me back to some of the darkest days of my past.  It was a Facebook post about a vehicle accident where it turns out that there was a drunk driver involved.  Praise God that everyone was okay.  It seems the worst injury was whiplash.  I am so ashamed to admit that I used to get behind the wheel quite intoxicated. Some times were much worse than others.  I made those stupid and careless decisions for about 20 years of my adult life.

I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t even think about others.  All I knew was that I didn’t care about myself.  I thought I’d be better off dead so I didn’t care if I ever died in a car crash.  I never thought about any other consequences, I was too numb.  That’s what happens to those of us who are that lost and are already dead inside.  I am so sorry that I never once thought about others.  That is not the kind of heart that I really have.  But I was in chains controlled by the enemy.   I remember the darkness like it was yesterday.  The enemy is powerful.   I didn’t have a chance to break free because I wasn’t ready to fully surrender my life to the Lord.  If I could go back, I sure would have done it so much sooner.   But then, I guess the Lord wouldn’t be able to use me the way He does today, so it has all happened in my life as He planned.  I always have a hard time wrapping my mind around that so I don’t try to so much anymore.

January 2010, was the second to the last time that I made the choice to drive home drunk.  The memory is haunting.  I remember it was sometime after midnight. As I was sitting at a red light near home, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw my dead eyes looking back at me.  Suddenly I felt very fearful.  I remember feeling so disgusted with myself.  I could not even remember getting on or off the freeway.  I was horrified at what I had done. It’s amazing that I had never felt that way all the other times.  It was always a thought of pure luck to me. I was a gambler. As I got older, I remember getting a little more concerned about my choices, I did it less and less, but it was never enough to make me stop completely.  I always took each time I made it home without incident for granted.  I am so not proud of those days.

A year before that is when I remember the depression and drinking had become so bad that I sobbed uncontrollably one night and dropped to my knees asking God why my life was the way it was.  I didn’t know it then, but I realize that is when God started to work behind the scenes.  It took another year and a few months for Him to really reach me completely, but I am amazed to know that He started a lot sooner.  I have told my story in another post of how God rescued me while I laid in a hospital room crying out to Him…the rest is history.

I will never know how I managed to escape getting arrested for driving under the influence, and it is a true miracle that I didn’t hurt or kill anybody.  God’s grace always kept me and others safe, but I had a feeling that would be changing soon if I didn’t do something about it.  I felt my time was running out soon and that something horrible was going to happen in the near future.  I certainly didn’t deserve God’s grace, I didn’t even have God in my heart all of those painful years.  But that’s our wonderful and merciful Savior for you.  I am forgiven. Jesus has completely set me free.  I have received His free gift of grace.  I have received His forgiveness.  He has helped me to forgive others and to forgive myself and I have turned away from sin.

My life is truly a miracle.  In just about five more months, I will be celebrating three years of sobriety.  I share all of this not to say what a great person I am, but to say how great the Lord God Almighty is.  I wish so much that everybody would experience the miracles I have.  I stopped drinking without a 12-Step program or any other kind of help.  My story is 100% miracle of God’s power.  But if things don’t happen for you exactly how they happened for me, do not be discouraged.  It just means that God has different plans for you that are going to be just as great.  He helps different people in different ways.  God has all the resources in the world to help us.  He will guide you to the right ones for your life if you surrender to Him and give Him control.  You must trust Him. It doesn’t matter how we stop turning to vices to ease our pain.  It doesn’t matter what kind of addictions we have.  It doesn’t matter how deep in the pit we are.  But it does matter that we stop running from Jesus and start running to Him and only Him.  There is nothing too tough for Jesus to handle.  Remember what He said in Mark 9:23…“Everything is possible for one who believes.”  I believe!!  I pray you will believe too and receive your miracle.  It will happen in His perfect timing.

I may be repeating things from previous posts, but I do because they are important enough to keep repeating.  Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lift you up. I have met so many wonderful people through church and they love me and don’t judge me. I have a wonderful pastor.  They all help keep me accountable. I encourage you to build a team of godly friends that will support you.  I know it may be difficult for some.  That was me…but if I can do it, so can you.  We can’t expect to stay on track alone.

There is light at the end of the dark tunnel, friends.  Never give up hope. That’s what the enemy wants. God loves you so much.  When you receive your miracle, I pray you will share what God has done and that you will be willing to be used by Him to help others.

Bless you, I am praying for you. ♥

Painful memories bring many tears, but my heart smiles anyway.

Debbie B. 4 Comments

Recently, we celebrated the life of my uncle Joe who passed away last month. He was one of my dad’s brothers.  He was the oldest brother, and last one to go home to be with the Lord.  My dad was the youngest of the four brothers and the third one to pass away.  It seems so strange that they are all gone now.

On the way to the memorial service, I had so many thoughts going through my mind.  It was a sad occasion for sure for the family because he’ll be greatly missed.  But I wasn’t expecting so many painful memories of the past to return.  At least I wasn’t expecting them to hit my heart the way they did.  I have been so strong for the last year or so and the Lord has completely healed my heart so I was really caught off guard.  I completely lost it.  I couldn’t help but think about all the years without my dad in my life.  It always makes me sad when I go back to when he decided to leave.  I try not to go back there, but this latest death brought it all back.  I was reminded of all the times I spent with dad’s side of the family when I was a young adult.  The only way I could be there comfortably was to drink. I just didn’t know how else to be comfortable around them—drinking made it doable.  I remember how difficult it was to especially be around my uncles. Those painful memories certainly came back.  I loved my uncles and I don’t think they realized back then how hard it was for me to see them and to hear their laughter when my dad was no longer around.  They reminded me too much of dad and seeing how close they were to their kids made me sad all the time because I felt so abandoned by mine.  The drinking made me feel happy…well, sort of.   At least at the beginning it did. The happiness was short lived of course, but everybody drank so it wasn’t like I stood out too much.   I’m sure it was noticed how much I could drink as I got older, but nobody said anything about it.  I think they just thought I was a funny drunk. I remember being happy on the outside and dead on the inside.  I got pretty good at hiding the pain at first, nobody needed to know how I felt deep inside.  But as time went on, I think my emotions would come out more.  I remember crying all the time in front of the family.  They knew I was sad about things, but nobody asked and I didn’t share in words what I was feeling.  I remember those horrible days so well.   I remember how lost and alone I felt. (I am so grateful that the Lord has changed all of this and I am no longer lost, drunk and depressed!)

What a roller coaster of emotions…I was also thinking about what a blessing it was for each of my uncles to be surrounded by love and family while they were on their death beds.  Someone was with each of them when they took their last breath on this earth.  I am so glad to know that.  All of my cousins were so blessed to have their fathers in their lives.  My heart goes out to the families for their losses.  Learning of my uncle’s recent passing and knowing that he had family there with him made me go through different emotions.  I was grateful that my uncle was not alone, but I was incredibly sad at the same time—sad because out of all of them, my dad was the only one not surrounded by family when he died.  His death was sudden and unexpected and he was quite a distance from everybody.  It breaks my heart that nobody knew that he had died until several days later, when his neighbors noticed that they hadn’t seen him in a while.  Suddenly I found myself on the phone with a complete stranger who had called to give me the worst news I had ever received over the phone.

That made all kinds of thoughts go through my mind like, was it instant? I can only hope it was.  It’s horrible wondering if he could have been saved if help was there.  It’s hard not to think like that but I’m learning to just give it all to the Lord and to keep thanking Him for reaching my dad’s heart at some point while he was out there so I know he’s in Heaven.  I am also grateful for the forgiveness that the Lord helped me with so that everything was okay between me and dad right before he died.  What a tremendous blessing that was and the healing and freedom that came with it!! God is so good.

As followers of Christ we believe that we have eternal life. I keep reminding myself that this is not our home, especially during the difficult times. Death is only sad for those left behind.  As soon as I got word that my uncle died, all I could think about were the four brothers being reunited in Heaven.  I swear I could hear their voices and the laughter that I used to hear when I was a little girl before everything fell apart.  Those are the memories that I want to hold on to.  And I heard them say to my uncle: “Welcome Home, Carnal, welcome home.”  The thought of that sure brings peace and a smile to my heart.

As I’m coming to a close on this I started thinking…what’s the purpose of this post?  You know what, friend?  I honestly have no idea. This blog is all about things from my heart that I feel God puts there to write about.  Every time I have published something, I have wondered whether or not I should have. So far, it always turns out that someone was helped by what they read.  I am grateful that God is using me this way so I just continue to follow those promptings no matter how difficult it is to open my heart like this for strangers.  Anyway, I figure at the very least, that writing and getting things out is good therapy for me.  It can be very dangerous if I keep things inside and I certainly don’t want to go backwards on this journey!  This really helps keep me on the right track with the Lord and it’s keeping me sober.  Praise God!

I pray that something in here is a blessing to someone out there reading it.  If not, I would just like to go ahead and say: “Thanks for listening, anyway.”  God bless you. ♥

Thinking about suicide…

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Sure hard to believe now that after two and a half years into a journey of a lifetime with the Lord, that I ever had those thoughts.  I was tormented by them from the enemy for years, and he almost got his way.  Remembering what I was like not too long ago brings more tears to my eyes.  I am so grateful to God for what He has done and for what He continues to do in my life.

For those who have lost a loved one to suicide, from the bottom of my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss.  My heart breaks with you. I won’t pretend to know your pain. There is no way that I can because I have not walked in your shoes.  However, my heart breaks every single time that I hear that someone died at their own hands.  My heart breaks because I know their pain all too well.  I know what it’s like to feel that there’s no other way to make the pain completely stop.  We will never be able to understand why some people die, and some people like me don’t.  I stopped trying to understand. Only God knows.

By the grace of God, I am still here and I believe that the Lord wants me to share my heart once again on another extremely difficult subject.  Just like the last post, this one took me a while to write—just too many painful memories started to surface. It doesn’t get any easier writing such personal things about my life for the world to see, but it has become a big part of my ministry journey, so here I am.  I can only hope and pray that the Lord reaches someone through it.

Sometimes I feel guilty talking about how I was saved when someone else lost their loved one.  But, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty.  I must give God the glory for what He’s done in my life.  I am so grateful.  I can’t help someone who has died, but perhaps I can help someone else keep from taking it that far.  When I look back now on those days of torment, I believe God was there the entire time just waiting on me to call to Him but I never did until just a few years ago.  I didn’t know how to—I figured I had been bad my entire adult life, why would He listen to me?  Oh, how wrong I was!!  Many times I would spend hours awake at night crying and thinking of ways to end it.  I knew that I didn’t want to suffer physically.  I wanted to go quickly, but I wasn’t confident that I would do things right.  I remember thinking if I was going to go through with it, the best way for me would be to fall asleep in a running vehicle in the garage.  In my mind, that was going to be the cleanest, the most peaceful, and the most painless way to go. That was going to be my plan, but thank God I never had a chance to carry it out.

Now that God has opened my heart and eyes, I see how He was there working behind the scenes making things difficult enough for me, which kept me alive.  First, He gave me an incredible woman for a mother.   After dad left, she sacrificed more for me than I deserved. She kept me going and busy so that I would stay out of trouble.  I was a good kid because of how hard she worked and because of her love for me.  I have no idea how she did it all.  I am grateful for her.  I didn’t know it then, but I believe God put it in my heart to hang in there for her.  I just couldn’t have her find me dead.  Not after all she had done for me.  Second, mom and I moved around for years from place to place after we had to give up the house.  Amazing how everywhere we lived, there either wasn’t access to a garage, or in time the garage always ended up being storage one way or another…every single one of them.

Because I didn’t have God in my life at that time, I turned to alcohol to get me through the pain.  Little did I know I was still committing suicide, but it was a slow and painful death—the very thing I had always wanted to avoid.  Interesting, isn’t it?  Anyway, having a wonderful mom in my life is the only explanation I can come up with for staying alive long enough until I could open my heart for God to come to the rescue. And because God is God, He delivered me from it all.  The suicidal thoughts, the depression, and drinking.  I will share His miracles in my life until I am no longer able!

Anyone like me who has been delivered from such tormenting thoughts, I’d like to hear about the great things God has done in your life.  I hope you’ll comment.  For anyone who is suffering from these thoughts, I hope you will cry out to God and give Him a chance.  I hope you’ll fully surrender your life to Him.  I am thankful you are still alive and reading this!!  I want to ask you to do something: Look back over your life. Could it be that God has been there the entire time causing things to happen behind the scenes (like He did for me), and that’s why you’re still here with us?  I have no doubt that is what happened in my life and the reason I was able to hang in there long enough to be rescued by Him.  I hope you will keep searching for reasons to live, but most of all, I hope you will cry out to God for help with a sincere heart. He will hear you. What He has done for me, He will do for any of you if you let Him.  He will reach down and pull you out of the pit of darkness.  There is no pit too deep for Him to reach down and save a lost soul.  It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, what you have done…He will save you.  That’s what He does. You just have to want to be saved.  Jesus turned out to be my only reason to live and it is a decision I will never regret.  He has given me an incredible second chance at life and has given me an incredible desire to help others. He wants to do the same for anybody who invites Him to.  It’s an amazing life!

My heart goes out to those who are where I once was and to those who are watching a loved one go through it. Keep praying. Take one day at a time and don’t give up hope. There IS hope in Jesus.  May my life always be a testimony to God’s grace and mercy.  If you have a prayer request, I hope you will post it here.  I would be honored to pray for you.

Jesus loves you more than you can ever know.  I pray you will get to know His love like I have.  If you do, you will NEVER be the same.

Thank You Lord, for the gift of life. ♥

A true story about the power of God in a broken life of depression and drunkenness

Debbie B. 2 Comments

There’s so much brokenness around me, I felt I needed to write again about depression and the drunkenness that can come with it.  I know not everyone can relate to it, but I believe there’s someone out there who needs to hear this. It’s also about how God reached down and changed it all by turning a life filled with hopelessness and emptiness into a life filled with everlasting joy that only He can give. A life filled with hope and purpose. I pray that it gives someone out there needing God’s hand to move in their life much encouragement. His power is real.

It was 2010, around 2:00 one February morning when she was suddenly awakened by her heart going haywire inside of her chest. The symptoms were very familiar as she had lived with them for about 17 years of her adult life. It began sometime after she started drinking heavily. It was never actually said or proven that drinking was the cause of the symptoms. They told her it was a possibility, but she never knew for sure. She figures the drinking definitely didn’t help, but that didn’t stop her. There were several things that should have stopped her from drinking, but she was too deep into the pit. Only God would be able to pull her out…when she was ready.

It took the doctors a long time, but they finally diagnosed her with a minor heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). It’s not life threatening, but it can cause wear and tear on the heart. The symptoms would wipe her out for a day or so. It was more a huge inconvenience than anything to her.  In 2005, the SVT had finally been corrected by an ablation—a procedure where they took a catheter, went in through the groin, into a vein, took it up into the heart, and basically burned off extra nerves that were in there causing the crazy heart rhythms (at least that’s how the doctor at that time had explained it to her).  After the procedure, she had been symptom free for five years…until that one dark morning after what turned out to be the morning after her final evening of binge drinking.

The symptoms returned and they were extremely severe. Because she had lived with it for so long, she knew how to stay calm and knew the different things to try that usually made the irregular heart beat jump back into normal rhythm. However, this time it was different. Nothing she tried worked. She had been told in the past not to wait too long before seeking medical attention, but she’s very stubborn. She tried for an hour to handle it herself, but she started getting too weak and the nurse she had been speaking to on the phone convinced her to get to the emergency room. To slow the heart rate, usually all that was needed was an IV with some meds. Eventually, it would get back to normal and she would be released.

But once again, this time it was different. The medical staff in the ER couldn’t get it to slow down at all. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She kept wondering why nothing was working this time.  She never had to stay overnight in the hospital for this condition before, except when they did the procedure to fix it.  It was difficult for her to have to share with the doctor that she had done some binge drinking the night before.  She didn’t say anything about the severe depression because she didn’t remember feeling depressed at that time. The alcohol did its job and she was numb. After several hours of no progress, they finally admitted her into the cardiac care unit.

This is when she thinks that God was really giving her a major wake up call to wise up and change her destructive lifestyle. She thinks she was running out of chances and started to see that there were some significant warning signs, maybe slightly smaller wake up calls that were leading up to that last episode, but she had been ignoring them. This warning sign however, it seems God finally broke through and made sure she couldn’t ignore it. She was finally ready to listen. She knew in her troubled heart that if she didn’t do something to change her ways soon, she’d either end up in jail or dead.  Soon, she would be alone in a hospital room where she would find herself crying out to God for help. Rock bottom finally came…

As I laid there in the hospital room all alone and not so drunk anymore, I started to think about why I was there. I had nobody but myself to blame.  I had been depressed and a drinker for so long, I was very tired.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I used to pray many nights crying out to a God I didn’t know, asking Him to take my life (thank God for unanswered prayers).  So there I was in the hospital room seeking God sincerely with my whole heart for the first time.  I realized that I really didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t think I was going to die there in that room, but I felt that if I didn’t stop drinking and change my ways that I’d be dead before 50—I had just turned 44 the night before.  I had sure made a big mess of my life, but the Lord reached down when I cried out to Him. He helped me to clean up my mess and He delivered me from the depression and drinking…He set the captive free just like He promises to.

These are amazing miracles in my life that I try sharing with all who will listen. God is the God of miracles and breakthroughs and He’s using my life to show what He can do with a willing heart. Looking back, I now consider my old life a blessed mess because of what He’s doing with it now. Today, I’m grateful I can say it’s no longer a mess, it’s just extremely blessed. I’ll be honest and say it hasn’t been an easy life, but it is definitely a blessed one. I will spend the rest of my days trying to reach out to others hoping I can help them reach out to God like I did. I pray I can help them find hope in Him. I also pray that more people will open their hearts to Him because what He has done for me, He will do for anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart. I truly believe that.

Friends, for anyone struggling out there, you are not alone. Never give up on God. I am so glad that I didn’t.  May God speak to you and bless you through this story…after all, it’s His story! ♥

“If only…” Living with and learning from a BIG regret.

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Out of all the poor choices I have made in the past…out of all the mistakes that I have regretted in life…if only I could go back and change just one thing, it would be to share what God has done in my life with a friend before he died. 

This is another difficult post for me but I believe the Lord wants me to put it out there to encourage someone so they don’t miss out like I did.  If I could help just one person avoid living with this kind of regret, then putting my heart out there like this is more than worth it to me. 

Tuesday, July 17th, marks the one year anniversary of the death of a friend who was killed in a small plane crash with the love of his life. It’s hard to believe it’s going to be a year since two young lives were cut so short. My friend’s name was Brian. We became friends through work and he was more like a goofy little brother to me (my “little” brother was 6’7” tall!).  We worked closely on a team for about six years or so and he kept me laughing much of the time.  Brian knew my job got tough at times so once in a while he’d come by my desk to make me laugh or to just see how I was doing.  He was a good guy and I sure miss him.

It’s amazing to me that although we became close and talked a lot, not once did I ever feel like I needed to share with him about my life as a depressed alcoholic. Nobody really knew about it so maybe that’s why I never thought about bringing it up.  When God intervened in my life and started to turn me around, Brian had no idea.  I never told him. Again, I never thought about it.  I told very few people at the beginning. At that time I wasn’t ready to share too much about my personal life with people I worked with. When the shocking news of Brian’s death came, I took it very hard.  For a while, I would beat myself up for never saying anything about God to him.  I realized that I never knew where he was spiritually. I honestly don’t know why sharing God with him never crossed my mind.  I still feel horrible not knowing, but I do have hope that he knew the Lord. It’s too late to do anything about it now, so all I can do is hold onto hope—hope that I will see him in heaven when I get there. 

I have certainly learned from this mistake.  I don’t ever want this to happen again. Now I share about what God is doing in my life with anybody who will listen.  The greatest thing about it is that God seems to work that out nicely for me. I find that when I share, it’s usually because someone will say or ask something that opens the door for me to share.  I never feel the need to force myself on anybody.   

I will always regret that I missed my opportunity with Brian, but I must say I’m grateful that it wasn’t like I had felt prompted to share and ignored that prompt. I know that would have made it much worse and so much more difficult for me to get past.  I’ve had a tremendous amount of spiritual growth in the past year and now I live my life for opportunities to get out there and share God’s love with people as much as possible.  I’ve stopped beating myself up over this mistake.  God has helped me to move forward and to do better. 

Friends, is there someone in your life that you’ve been hesitating to share the Lord with? I want to encourage you to just do it. Don’t wait. There’s no better time than now.  I know many times it requires us to step way out of our comfort zone and we take the chance of getting laughed at, rejected, etc., but please learn from my regret and don’t lose your opportunity like I did.   

I’d much rather be laughed at or rejected or take whatever might happen than live with this “If only” regret ever again. 

God is beyond amazing and we need to share about Him!!!!