God is the God of miracles! The Lord has been stirring my heart to share some more about my past. I didn’t think that I could muster up the courage to follow through with this because it is about something I am deeply ashamed of. However, because I believe it is what the Lord wants from me, I am doing it with the hope that He will use me again to reach a heart or two…to give some hope that change is possible, but only with His power.
I want you to understand that I know how tired you are. I know how hopeless you feel. I know you think it is impossible to get out of the deep pit that you are in. I know all of this because that is where I was just two and a half years ago. I lived like that for about two decades. You must stop believing the lies of the enemy. There IS hope in Jesus. There is no pit too deep for Him to pull you out of. My transformed life is proof of that! And if it can happen for me, it can happen for all who cry out to God for help. Cry out to Him and have faith that help is on the way.
I happened to read something today that brought me back to some of the darkest days of my past. It was a Facebook post about a vehicle accident where it turns out that there was a drunk driver involved. Praise God that everyone was okay. It seems the worst injury was whiplash. I am so ashamed to admit that I used to get behind the wheel quite intoxicated. Some times were much worse than others. I made those stupid and careless decisions for about 20 years of my adult life.
I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t even think about others. All I knew was that I didn’t care about myself. I thought I’d be better off dead so I didn’t care if I ever died in a car crash. I never thought about any other consequences, I was too numb. That’s what happens to those of us who are that lost and are already dead inside. I am so sorry that I never once thought about others. That is not the kind of heart that I really have. But I was in chains controlled by the enemy. I remember the darkness like it was yesterday. The enemy is powerful. I didn’t have a chance to break free because I wasn’t ready to fully surrender my life to the Lord. If I could go back, I sure would have done it so much sooner. But then, I guess the Lord wouldn’t be able to use me the way He does today, so it has all happened in my life as He planned. I always have a hard time wrapping my mind around that so I don’t try to so much anymore.
January 2010, was the second to the last time that I made the choice to drive home drunk. The memory is haunting. I remember it was sometime after midnight. As I was sitting at a red light near home, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw my dead eyes looking back at me. Suddenly I felt very fearful. I remember feeling so disgusted with myself. I could not even remember getting on or off the freeway. I was horrified at what I had done. It’s amazing that I had never felt that way all the other times. It was always a thought of pure luck to me. I was a gambler. As I got older, I remember getting a little more concerned about my choices, I did it less and less, but it was never enough to make me stop completely. I always took each time I made it home without incident for granted. I am so not proud of those days.
A year before that is when I remember the depression and drinking had become so bad that I sobbed uncontrollably one night and dropped to my knees asking God why my life was the way it was. I didn’t know it then, but I realize that is when God started to work behind the scenes. It took another year and a few months for Him to really reach me completely, but I am amazed to know that He started a lot sooner. I have told my story in another post of how God rescued me while I laid in a hospital room crying out to Him…the rest is history.
I will never know how I managed to escape getting arrested for driving under the influence, and it is a true miracle that I didn’t hurt or kill anybody. God’s grace always kept me and others safe, but I had a feeling that would be changing soon if I didn’t do something about it. I felt my time was running out soon and that something horrible was going to happen in the near future. I certainly didn’t deserve God’s grace, I didn’t even have God in my heart all of those painful years. But that’s our wonderful and merciful Savior for you. I am forgiven. Jesus has completely set me free. I have received His free gift of grace. I have received His forgiveness. He has helped me to forgive others and to forgive myself and I have turned away from sin.
My life is truly a miracle. In just about five more months, I will be celebrating three years of sobriety. I share all of this not to say what a great person I am, but to say how great the Lord God Almighty is. I wish so much that everybody would experience the miracles I have. I stopped drinking without a 12-Step program or any other kind of help. My story is 100% miracle of God’s power. But if things don’t happen for you exactly how they happened for me, do not be discouraged. It just means that God has different plans for you that are going to be just as great. He helps different people in different ways. God has all the resources in the world to help us. He will guide you to the right ones for your life if you surrender to Him and give Him control. You must trust Him. It doesn’t matter how we stop turning to vices to ease our pain. It doesn’t matter what kind of addictions we have. It doesn’t matter how deep in the pit we are. But it does matter that we stop running from Jesus and start running to Him and only Him. There is nothing too tough for Jesus to handle. Remember what He said in Mark 9:23…“Everything is possible for one who believes.” I believe!! I pray you will believe too and receive your miracle. It will happen in His perfect timing.
I may be repeating things from previous posts, but I do because they are important enough to keep repeating. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lift you up. I have met so many wonderful people through church and they love me and don’t judge me. I have a wonderful pastor. They all help keep me accountable. I encourage you to build a team of godly friends that will support you. I know it may be difficult for some. That was me…but if I can do it, so can you. We can’t expect to stay on track alone.
There is light at the end of the dark tunnel, friends. Never give up hope. That’s what the enemy wants. God loves you so much. When you receive your miracle, I pray you will share what God has done and that you will be willing to be used by Him to help others.
Bless you, I am praying for you. ♥