Tag Healing

From Damaged Goods to Broken and Beautiful – Learning to see myself through God’s eyes…

Debbie B. 2 Comments

So my heart brought me back to one of my first writings from 2012, the year this blog came alive and my heart poured into it wanting only to share the greatness of God in my life. It’s not a popular blog, but it is a blessed one. When I started writing, I was very new in my Christian walk and only a couple of years sober and in this particular post I wrote about how I had wondered how God could love someone like me. I was remembering a past dark, drunk, and extremely depressed moment in my life before I had cried out to God, so I wrote about it and here is a little piece of it:

 “…I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was headed to the refrigerator for another cold one. I don’t know why, but I stopped and took a long look at the reflection of what was a lost soul. I can still picture those lifeless eyes staring back at me. I hated who I had become. I didn’t blame anybody, I knew I did it to myself and I thought I’d never be able to climb out of that big black hole that I had dug for myself. I was seriously wondering how God could ever love someone who had spent just about her entire life with her back to Him—no love, no trust, no surrender. I also wondered why He didn’t let me die like I wanted to. I was certainly ready to go. I wasn’t doing anybody any good being alive.”

Wow, I just got all teary eyed again with gratitude looking back at all God has done since I surrendered at the bottom a little more than seven years ago now. The miracle sobriety continues. Thank You, Jesus. I know there are still some suffering like I used to. I used to think I was worthless, dumb, ugly, and deserving of nothing good in this life. I was nothing but damaged goods, especially after that horrible stretch of being a victim of mental abuse before I finally escaped it (another miracle of God). Damaged goods – that was my main identity when I thought of who I was. I was Depressed, Drunk, and Damaged. Hmmmm, “D” for devil…pretty amazing to see, isn’t it? There’s also Discouragement, Discontentment, Defeat, Doubt, Deception — just to point out a few more words to be aware of (thanks to my mentor for helping me to recognize those words!). They are never loving words from our Heavenly Father. Anyway, I was believing all the lies of the devil and was caught up in his snare for so many years – he came close to destroying me, but he lost.  I am so grateful that those days are long gone. The moment I started opening my heart to the Lord and letting Him work in me and through me, He changed everything about me. He saved my life! He gave me a new heart and gave me new sight, and helped me to change my thoughts. And with the help of someone dear to me, well, it’s more than one walking this incredible journey with me, and they have all helped me to see myself as God sees me. And I believe He sees me (and so many others) as His beautiful bride. In time, I started to see that I am not damaged goods. I am broken and beautiful. I am chosen. I am set-apart. There’s so much more and I am grateful that His truths now overpower the lies. My identity is in Christ alone and nothing or no one can ever change that.

How amazing is that truth for all who believe, my friends! I hope that anyone who is struggling the way I did will not listen to anyone but God and what He has to say. It is all in His Word, I hope you will seek Him with all your heart if you haven’t yet. His love is amazing.

Your Heavenly Father saw you and approved of you even while you were in your mother’s womb. Read Psalm 139 with an open heart seeking God’s Presence while you read it. I pray that you will feel His Sweet Presence and will start to receive the self-esteem of Christ. He did it for me, I know He will do it for wholehearted seekers like you too.

May God bless you. Please know that you are loved. ♥

God’s ongoing miracle of keeping me sober through the obstacles that life brings.

Debbie B. Leave a comment

It is hard to believe that it has been about 20 months since a routine exam came back with results that had the doctor concerned that I might have cervical cancer. I remember well how my life was thrown into such a state of confusion at the end of 2014. The unfavorable results had me going through a procedure that had caused physical trauma as well as emotional trauma — it was for nothing. Well, that’s what I thought when I was in the midst of the challenge. But like God always does, He worked it all out for my good. Anyway, the procedure was unsuccessful, so it was discouraging that there were still no answers. The unknown can really be a scary thing. I had to be sent to a different specialist who could do a special surgical procedure that gave hope that it would be successful in cancer prevention. After that initial so-called “simple” procedure turned into something super complicated and extremely painful leaving me in tears wondering what was next, I was so relieved to hear that they would not keep me awake for the more invasive procedure.

The whole ordeal brought me down for a bit. I blamed myself for what I was going through. I blamed it on my past choices in life. I was finally dealing with the consequences of my dark past. But I had some amazing people of faith there for me praying me through and reminding me that nothing from the past defines who I am today. I know who I am and even better than that, I know Whose I am. I belong to Jesus! I hope others who might be struggling with past mistakes will see this about themselves too. It is amazing freedom.

I am grateful to share that God opened doors for me to end up with the best specialty doctor I have ever had in my entire life of having to deal with specialty doctors. My sobriety of over six years is truly an ongoing miracle and I just have to keep sharing about it. To get through this whole thing sober is nothing short of a miracle. As I was having to go through different tests with the new doctor, I cannot tell you how many times I had to take a pregnancy test before some of the pre-surgery tests that were being done. I cannot tell you how many times someone from the medical staff asked me “are you planning on having children?” It really brought me down in spirit for a while. It was a constant reminder to me that I am childless and this procedure would make bearing a child difficult. It reminded me of my choices that took away my chances of ever experiencing the joy of motherhood like most women in my life. Never mind the fact that I am single. Never mind the fact that I have chosen to stay right with God and remain celibate, especially after God rescued me from the last dangerous relationship that had me wanting to drink myself into a coma. And never mind the fact that I was 49 years old (I have turned 50 since). I really struggled with my past choices, the painful procedures and those pregnancy tests along with too many questions about children really could have had me reaching for the bottle once again. But God is bigger than all of that and I kept holding on. I am so grateful for how real He is in my life. Trusting Him gave me the strength to not throw all the great things He has done in me away. GRATEFUL!!!

The doctor ended up removing a portion of my cervix to kill off the potential cancer in March 2015. Six months after that, she confirmed that there was no sign of cancer or pre-cancer cells — God is so good. I need one more good report before the doctor will be satisfied that I am completely healed so since it has been another six months already, I went in for test #2 just today. I am believing God for complete healing! The results should be back by next week, but no matter what, I am so grateful and in awe of the peace He has given me. I am grateful for how this whole challenge has grown my faith and trust in God. We cannot be overcomers if there is nothing to overcome, right? I am grateful for this faith-walk filled with challenges that bring me closer to the One who breathes life into me and gives me a reason to want to keep living.

I hope someone will be encouraged by this testimony of God’s power to stay sober through some of the darkest days that life brings on this side of heaven. Don’t give up hope. Many of us cry ourselves to sleep in the midnight hours when we are overwhelmed by life’s circumstances. God promises us healing and joy among so many other promises. I pray that you will keep holding on, just like me.

These words from my devotion this morning said this and I hope it will encourage you like it did me: “Look beyond today’s pain and sorrow toward the promise of joy and healing tomorrow.”

Here is a Psalm from the Holy Scriptures for the road, be blessed by God’s Word to you: “Trust Me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give Me glory.” ~Psalm 50:15

Jesus carried our sins in His body to the cross. We are dead to sin and now live for what is right. By His wounds, we are healed. (God’s Word, not mine!) I believe! Show us Your glory dear God, in Jesus’ name.

Invisible Bruises: Just because no one can see them, it does not mean they are not there. It is time for you to stop suffering in silence.

Debbie B. Leave a comment

It is absolutely amazing to me – how many people are mentally, emotionally, and/or verbally, abused by someone who claims to love them and the person on the receiving end suffers in silence and shame. The bruises on your heart probably feel impossible to ever fully heal. I know this because that used to be me. Well, I have a message for you…WE have nothing to be ashamed of and the bruises in our hearts CAN be fully healed.

Just because you are not getting hit, it does not mean that the abuse does not exist. I know a lot of us keep silent because if we do, it helps us to pretend that it is not happening. Too many of us are embarrassed to talk about it. I know I was, especially because I wasn’t getting hit. I give all the glory to God for helping me to escape before the hitting started.

I think that when we keep silent, it is like ingesting poison (just like harboring unforgiveness does to us). It is a slow process and it really does start to destroy us from the inside out. As I was approaching rock bottom with my depression and alcohol abuse over six years ago, I remember how dead my soul was. My shell still had a heartbeat and I was still breathing, but it was a matter of time before I finally found the right combination of pills and alcohol to finish the job. Thankfully, I was desperate enough to cry out to God and He heard me and rescued me! I believed I was not worth saving, but I cried out anyway and He heard me. I say this because I know without a doubt that there are others who are feeling this way too. You are listening to the enemy who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. The devil is a liar! I pray you will start listening to God’s voice and promises instead.

I have been free from that toxic relationship for quite a while now. The person I finally walked away from will probably never be able to admit or even see that he tormented me almost all the way to suicide. It is not up to me to convince him. I do not feel safe around him and God has helped me to be strong throughout this whole journey. I have learned to forgive him, which is wonderful freedom, and I have prayed for him. But just because I have forgiven him and pray for him, it does not mean I have to let him back into my life. I am grateful to know that.

You do not have to go through this alone. I have learned to surround myself with godly people who help me through the tough days of life. And the more I open up about this part of my life, the more I find that others understand because they have gone through it too! Wow. It is a blessing to have others open up too and it shows me that I am truly not alone and have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I am glad for the courage to write this today. I think someone is suffering greatly in silence at this moment and I pray this post will encourage you and give you courage to reach out to God and others and get started on a road of healing and many great things that you have never dreamed of.

So stop suffering in silence. Stop carrying shame that does not belong to you. Be encouraged. Start living today – God is waiting to help! He loves you more than you know! ♥

Praying for you, may you be blessed and find strength in God to help you break free like me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!! ~Philippians 4:13

“They are better off without me.” If these words mean anything to you, I hope you’ll read this…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

I know in my heart that I am not the only one who battles dark thoughts such as this. Some who are close to me may be surprised to find that I was fighting this thought very recently. I was fighting hard. For a bit there, I felt like I was losing. I think until I decided to write about this just now that only my pastor and one or two others in my life that I trust were aware that I was hearing and starting to believe those words again. It brought me back to my old dark days of depression and isolation – the horrible days when I tried so hard to drink my way through tormenting thoughts of suicide. The difference this time though, is that I did not keep it to myself. I did not withdraw from people and isolate, although it does get tempting at times. I did not relapse and try to drink it away again. Instead, I reached out to God and I reached out to my pastor and trusted Christian friends for help and I am grateful for this amazing and lifesaving change that God has made in me over the last five years.

This morning with my church family, I had the wonderful opportunity to share another testimony of God’s greatness in my life and it triggered my heart to share it here too. I have spent the last five months trying my best to be strong and courageous, trusting and leaning on God as I walked what felt like the longest and darkest valley of my journey into the unknown with Him. It did not come easy for me at all. I had some very good days, but many bad ones and shed many tears through it. It took five months for doctors to be able to tell me whether or not I have cancer. I have had amazing people of faith, much stronger than me, claiming in Jesus’ name that I am healed and that there would be no cancer. I received and I claimed it. However, because I am a weak human being, the long wait for the medical report to confirm it became quite challenging for me. The enemy knows my weaknesses very well and when I am not careful and allow him and his lies to distract me, he attacks and I get knocked down hard. I had to wait for consultations that kept getting cancelled. I had a painful procedure in December that did not go well and the attempt for a biopsy failed. So, more waiting — more of the unknown and more distractions. I started losing my focus on Jesus and started listening to the deceiver and believing his lies that I am a bad person and I deserve what’s happening to me. I started believing his lies that everyone would be better off if I were not around anymore. I was not doing anything good for anyone, I was too busy feeling sick and defeated.  I felt shame for what I was going through because I believed that it was caused by my past choices when I was living a godless life all those years before God had reached down and revealed His power to me. The enemy seemed to be winning this battle of my mind. But thankfully, I can share today, that he has lost once again. He’ll always lose with God holding me by His right hand. He will always lose, as long as I never give up.

I am so grateful that no matter how many times I get knocked down, God gives me incredible strength to keep getting back up and to keep pressing on. I am so grateful that I never give up on Him. Not that I don’t think about it once in a while, especially when I become exhausted, but I really do know better by now. Going back to the way I used to live is not an option. Not if I want to live…REALLY live.

People who are isolating and battling tormenting thoughts on their own are in danger. Isolation is the devil’s trap so he can be free to go in for the kill, but first he likes to take his time and torture for as long as he possibly can. I know. I was there. And I believe this because he almost killed me there. Isolation brings darkness, loneliness, hopelessness…basically, it brings death. A slow and painful one. I pray that if you are in this situation that you will do something about it. Stop trying to fight it alone. Let go of pride. If you haven’t called out to God yet, just do it. He’s listening! Reach out to a pastor. Reach out to others, but make sure those you reach out to are godly people. Surrounding myself by a team of godly people was not easy at the beginning, but I have a safe place to be each week where I can open up and cry and ask for help if I need to. They don’t judge and they do not make me feel ashamed. They just love me with the love that God pours through their hearts. Love I have never known before. They aren’t just a team of godly people, they are my family. Everything I have shared here is what I have done myself and is why I am still here to write about it. I was not sure what all to write about today, but I felt my heartstrings being pulled to write something. Too many are suffering alone right now. Too many have already given up on hope and too many are about to. It does not have to be. Hope in Jesus saves lives. He saved mine, in so many ways.

I have seen many miracles in the lives of others and in my own. I have prayed for miracles. I keep praying for them. But lately, I started thinking that maybe I should do more than just pray for a miracle. Maybe I should start praying that I would BE a miracle for someone else. How awesome would that be? This gives my life amazing purpose. Each of us has a special purpose for being here so let’s not give up on finding out what that purpose is. I believe it will save your life. And how amazing will it be when you find that you can be a part of God’s plan in helping other lives to be saved? What if your life and testimony helps someone else to choose Jesus — the only Way to eternal life? Is that not worth living for? I certainly think it is. Imagine if each of us touched just one heart. I get overwhelmed at the thought of what God can do with that. That’s what keeps me going in this dark and fallen world. And when I get tripped up and fall hard, which happens more than I care to admit, God helps me to get up and to keep on keeping on for Him. I am so grateful.

My heart goes out to those suffering things I suffered for too many years. If you are one, I am praying for you, that God would intervene and do for you what He has done for me and so many others. I pray you will open your heart to Him like never before. I know He will meet you right where you are. And you need to stop believing the lies and believe this…no one will ever be better off without you! It is the truth. It is not my truth, it is God’s truth!

God’s love is amazing. I am so grateful for all He is to me. I am ALIVE!! I hope you or someone you know will be encouraged by my openness today. It’s never easy, but it is always more than worth it. Oh, and I almost forgot…that unsuccessful procedure to remove only a part of the abnormal cells was a blessing that led to a minor surgery that removed ALL of the abnormal cells for biopsy. I got word the other day…NO CANCER. I am healed! Praise the Lord! Ah, God is SO not finished with me yet. And friend, I don’t believe He is finished with you either. I hope you will join me on this amazing pathway to heaven. And if you do, FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT. It is going to be the ride of your life… just sayin’.

Thanks for listening to my heart…God bless.

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A Father’s Love…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

That’s something I had longed for almost my entire life. At least since I was sixteen years of age—the time my father decided he didn’t want to be a husband or a father any longer. Here I am 32 years later, and there is still a part of me that feels a void inside my heart at this time of year. When I hear other people, especially around my age, refer to their fathers as “Daddy” that’s when I really feel the void. It makes me a little sad that I can’t even remember how old I was the last time I called my father “Daddy”. OK, enough of that. God has been too good to me to stay stuck in that kind of thinking.

I wrote a post for Father’s Day two years ago: http://wp.me/p1g1Ud-4S. Wow, time is flying. I just read it for the first time since I wrote it. I could have written that again for this year. I hope you’ll take a moment and read it, it’s from my heart and I pray it will be a blessing. It’s amazing that I still feel the same about everything I wrote. I am so grateful that I have received tons of healing of my deepest wounds since then. However, I’m discovering that this time of year still seems to bring a little heaviness to my heart. I really thought that wouldn’t happen this year, but at least it’s not so bad. It’s not even close to being like before.

I felt like sharing from my heart again this year. I know there are a lot of people like me who were not blessed with a good earthly father who was present and loving. Some of you have suffered way more than I have. I’m not in competition to see who has suffered the most by their dads. I just know that a lot of us suffer from depression and I don’t care how it happens, depression is depression. It eventually will destroy us if we let it.

My way out of depression (although I still suffer from occasional heaviness in my heart) is by reaching for God. The only One whom I’ve discovered that can take away my emotional pain like nobody or nothing else ever would be able to. I used to numb myself with alcohol. I used to wish I would just die. But I thank God that He has delivered me from all of it. God is the only One who has ever loved me unconditionally. I just didn’t know it for all those years because I kept running away from Him. I didn’t want to find out if He really existed. I didn’t want to believe He would let me be in so much pain. But now I know that He just wanted my heart. Now that I have given it all to Him, wow. Life has never been more hopeful. It has never been more meaningful. It has never been more blessed.

Now when I think of my earthly father, I no longer cry from pain that he caused me. Instead, I shed a few tears because I miss him and I wish that he could have seen the great things of God in my life. I would have loved to have seen the hand of God move in his life like He has in mine. But since I can’t, I will just keep my hope in the Lord and hold on to His promise that I will see my dad one day when I finally join him in heaven. That really makes my heart smile. For those whose dads have passed away too, my heart is with you.

So just like I have learned to do over the last couple of years, I am mainly celebrating Father’s Day by celebrating my Heavenly Father and His amazing love for me. He sent His only Son so that I may live with Him forever. THAT IS LOVE. Thank You God, for loving me that much.

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there. I pray you will be with family and your children are there celebrating you. I am blessed to see fathers loving their children. Thank you. For the broken families, I’m praying for you too. Don’t give up hope that your relationships will be restored. Anything is possible with God. Don’t forget to celebrate Him too!

And most of all, Happy Father’s Day to my amazing Heavenly Father who loves me no matter what. I love You too.