Category Love

Does anybody see or hear the lost and broken walking among us?

Debbie B. Leave a comment

There was a young girl walking around completely lost and so empty inside.  Things got worse for her when the family fell apart, but her troubles really started before then.  Nobody knew how troubled she was.  When she was alone, which was often, all she could do was cry.  She was afraid most of the time.  She really started to hate her life.  She hated the way she looked.  She was short and struggled with weight.  She considered herself quite ugly and worthless (later on, when her dad left and never tried to contact her, she thought it was proof of her worthlessness).  She was always so shy and self conscious. She had a hard time in school, she wasn’t one of the brightest kids and the shyness made it difficult to make friends.  She had some, but in time it became more difficult because she had a hard time trusting.  She had been scarred by some cruel kids growing up.  There were times that some boys thought it was funny to grab her inappropriately.  They liked to mess with the “fat” girl.  She wasn’t a real person to them.  She learned to ignore it and would just keep walking…with her head down.  The walk home from school was quite far. So many times she’d be walking home alone with tears streaming down her face from those hurtful moments.  She didn’t want to tell anybody that she was hurting inside so she did all she could to keep her feelings to herself.  She was embarrassed.  She didn’t think anybody would understand anyway.  She had an early start of growing tired and hopeless.  Thoughts of suicide to end the pain soon followed.  When she reached the 10th grade, things got better.  It was from losing weight.  It gave her some confidence and a boost in self-esteem.  She did make some good friends and the thoughts of suicide were gone for a while.  However, the happiness didn’t last long.  As soon as her parents split apart, it was downhill from there.  In time she became completely lost and felt that nobody really saw or heard her.  She really didn’t want to be seen or heard by then.

I want so much to tell this young girl about Jesus.  I want her to really understand what He did for her on the cross.  I want her to know how much she is loved by God and how He sees her as the apple of His eye.  In His eyes, she is beautiful.  She needs to know that there’s nothing she can do to make Him love her more…or less.  She should know that God has great plans in store for her life.   I want her to know that even though she’ll go through many trials as an adult, she will not be going through them alone because Jesus will never leave her side.   He will lift her up.  I want to tell her that every challenge is an opportunity to grow closer to Him.  He will use everything for His good purpose and she will be richly blessed.   I want to tell her to never give up hope.  In Jesus, we have a hope that never disappoints.  She needs to know that there’s much more to life than what she is seeing and that life is so worth living.

I was that young girl and I sure wish I would have had somebody in my life at that time saying those words or something like them to me.  Even though it didn’t happen that way before I got old enough and chose to reach for the bottle instead of for Jesus, I am so very grateful that I know His love today.  He has completely turned my life around and is using every single painful experience for His glory now.  What a journey this has been.  What’s been happening to me for the last two plus years keeps me in such awe of Him.  He keeps moving in my life in such big ways.  All I can think of doing are things that bring Him glory.  I am called to serve Him in ministry.  It’s my heart’s desire.  I am doing things I never ever could have dreamed of.  The courage He has given me to just show up and be there and open my heart to strangers…wow.  That’s actually how this blog started.  Who pours out their heart like this?  Well, apparently I do but I couldn’t do it without Him leading me to do it, that’s for sure.  I am thankful for the courage and boldness that He gives me.

Again I find it difficult to write about such painful memories from when I was young, but the Lord has placed it on my heart to do it.  I want nothing more for the broken hearted than to feel God’s presence like I do—to feel His overwhelming love, and peace and to be completely healed and rescued from the enemy’s chains.  I want them to have the desire in their own heart to seek Him always and above all.  I want them to receive their breakthroughs and miracles.  This is what I am doing with this second chance at life.  I will do it until I take my last breath on this earth.  My heart is so willing.  I want to live it for Him and I will do all I can for others, praying that I can help them find hope in Jesus too.  I pray that I can be someone who sees and hears a lost soul and boldly shares Jesus with them.  I pray that more of us will pay attention to our surroundings and reach out to the lost and be bold for Jesus.  Maybe,  just maybe we can help a person avoid such pain like I and so many like me have gone through because we didn’t have the Lord in our lives.  How awesome would that be?!

The peace, joy, and love that I carry inside—I’ve never known anything like it before.  It’s indescribable what I feel inside and I know it can only come from the Lord.  I so want other people to feel Him like this!!!  I seek the Lord with my whole heart every day and I always find Him.  This life is hard and I cannot live it without Him.  Not anymore.  I tried that and it didn’t work out very well.  Jesus is truly my all.

So although I can’t see anyone right now, I just want to say from one broken heart to another, I pray you will be inspired to seek Jesus with your whole heart. When you find Him, and I know you will, I pray that you never stop seeking.  I pray that you learn to make Him the center of your life every single day.  Make Him Lord of your life, over ALL of your life.  You will never, ever be the same.

God bless. ♥

I was a lost soul—a mentally abused woman who didn’t deserve better.

Debbie B. 7 Comments

That’s what the enemy had me convinced of—he’s a good liar. I was a lost soul and I believed his lies. I had become someone I swore for years that I would never become. I became weak, needy, and dependant. I thought I needed a man in my life bad enough, that I was willing to look past being treated so poorly. Now, he never raised a hand to me, but he sure knew how to mess with my mind. He had such control over me. I pretended it was okay to be treated that way, but deep inside I knew it wasn’t. I just wasn’t strong enough to break away.

I was getting older and the thought of being old and alone started to bother me, so I allowed myself to be in this unhealthy relationship. I had zero self-esteem. I put up with things I never should have, but the depression was getting worse and I didn’t think enough of myself to try to stop it. I thought I was too far gone for change. I didn’t care about myself at all, so I did the only thing I knew—I kept drinking more and more so that I could get through it. It’s how I learned to get through every area of my life.

Jesus was not in my heart at that time. I’m sure this never would have happened if He had been. But I just kept getting deeper and deeper into the enemy’s pit. The worst incident that happened took place about a year into the relationship. We were at a family party (his family). It was an extremely hot summer day, somewhere over 100 degrees. Normally I would have had tons of alcohol to drink, but I knew I couldn’t because of the heat. I had learned the hard way in the past that heat and alcohol just didn’t go well with me. It would make me very ill, so I never drank in extreme heat again. I drank water all day at this party. Since I was driving, he drank as much as he wanted. I don’t know how much he consumed, but everything was okay until there started to be some tension among some of the people. It’s always a bad idea to have alcohol around people who don’t get along. Toward the end of the party a fight broke out. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I honestly thought someone was going to get seriously injured or die that night. The police were called out and they calmed everybody down and asked us all questions. Nobody went to jail that night. I convinced the officers that I was okay to drive, so they had me take him home.

It was dark, it was getting late and I was driving in an unfamiliar area trying to get an angry intoxicated man home. He started saying cruel things to me. He said we were through and not to call him ever again. It didn’t even really register at first because I think I was still in shock and numb from what I had just witnessed. After he was done telling me we were over, he started saying some pretty hateful words. He was so angry toward the people he was fighting with. I won’t repeat his words, but I can tell you that they were evil and criminal. It was pretty scary thinking what if he had acted on what he was saying he wanted to do, but he didn’t. He was just beyond angry.

Now you’d think after all that, I would have had enough of the mental abuse. But no, that wasn’t the case. He called me the next day and did some sweet talking. What did I do?  Yep, I caved. I truly became the woman I said I would never become and I put up with it for another couple of years. This is very hard to admit.

But once again, I see now how God was there for me. He had started working behind the scenes in this relationship. It slowly became a long distance relationship because he got a job quite far from me. Long distance relationships rarely work for a long period of time.  I continued to endure mental abuse for a while—I think it was even worse long distance. But little by little, we really started to drift apart. I have no doubt in my heart that God made everything happen the way it did so I could finally break free. My miracles of sobriety and deliverance from depression all happened while we were apart. God was really reaching me while I was on my own again. He wouldn’t have been able to reach me otherwise…I can see that now.

The Lord gave me the strength and courage to break it off. It took a while to get him to hear that we were truly over. The Lord had completely changed my heart and I no longer had feelings for him. The Lord had opened my eyes so wide that I saw everything that he had done. I forgave him with God’s help.  I thought at first maybe we could be friends still, but the Lord made it clear to me that it was not to be. I needed a clear break with no looking back. I don’t hate him. I find myself feeling kind of sorry for him. I even pray for him.

The sad thing is that he seems to only remember the good times we had together. We did have some nice times, but not many. I think he knows how good I was to him. But for me, all I can really recall are all the times he made me cry. Every time he said something to bring me down was just another hole being ripped into my heart. I remember having a knot in my stomach for just about the entire relationship. I had that horrible feeling of turmoil for as long as I can remember. But as soon as it was over, the knot and turmoil went away. It would have never worked and I am thankful to God for helping me to see the light.

Now that I have given the Lord complete control over every area of my life, I will never worry about that happening again. I am free. I am strong once again. I have hope. I am grateful. I no longer think badly of myself. I believe I deserve to be treated well. Perhaps some day a strong man of God will cross my path—if it’s God’s will. It’s whatever He wants for my life. I will just continue to serve the Lord and see where He leads me.

I wish I would have heard the words “Jesus loves you” or “There’s hope in Jesus” or anything that would have motivated me to reach out to God more during those dark days. I don’t know what might have happened, but I’d like to think it would have helped me sooner. That’s why I’m sharing this, maybe someone in a similar circumstance will see it and realize that they do not deserve to be treated badly. I pray it will encourage someone to take action sooner than later to do what’s necessary to get out of an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship.

It brings me such comfort knowing that I belong to God and that He is all I really need—He is all any of us really need. He will never bring us harm and nobody can ever love us like He does. ♥

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A life changed by God, thanks to a minister and pastor who truly cared…

Debbie B. 3 Comments

I keep going back in time because there’s so much to remember and to be grateful for.  I was thinking back when I was searching for a church home in 2006.  I had no clue what I was searching for, but I knew that I couldn’t keep on with the way I was living. I knew I needed help and I was hoping that church would be the place to find it.  So I went out there looking.  I was so lost and broken, shy and depressed, but I somehow just got out there and did it.  It took a while.  There was one place I finally thought could be the church for me.   I met the senior pastor at the end of that first service I attended and everything seemed fine.  I felt welcomed.  He was very kind.  But then something happened later on that changed my mind about that church. It’s unfortunate, and I can only hope it doesn’t happen a lot but something tells me that it does in some churches.

I had been in a scary car accident.  A man without a license decided to make a left turn just as I was approaching the intersection. The light was green for me and he was supposed to yield.  As you can guess, we collided and my vehicle was totaled.  I’m very fortunate that nothing bad happened to me.  I was quite shaken, but I walked away with just a bad seat belt and air bag burn. I definitely had angels watching over me then and didn’t even realize it.  I had a small truck that was just right for me. It had been my first brand new vehicle and it was completely paid off.  I took really good care of it. Even though it was almost eight years old, my insurance company gave me $11,000 for it.  I thought that was pretty good for an older vehicle.

Even though my life didn’t really change until four years later, it’s still amazing how I can look back and see now that God had been working in me already at that time.  I had learned about tithing and I had it on my heart to give 10% of that insurance money to that church I thought was for me.  I was feeling quite grateful.  I really didn’t know what was happening to me but I was just following my heart.  I had written a check and then decided to write a letter to the pastor explaining the check, but mostly pouring my heart out to him.  I think it was a cry for help.  I wasn’t looking for any kind of “thank you” for the money—that was truly from my heart and it was for God, not that pastor.  I was just hoping for some kind of response to my letter.  I really needed help and that was the only way I knew how to ask for it.  It was the safest way for me at the time.  That was in December 2006.  To this day, I have never heard one word from that pastor.  Nor did I hear from anyone else from that church.  Perhaps the pastor never saw the letter, but I know that someone did.  After all, the check had been cashed.  That made a bigger hole in my heart at that time, and I stopped going to that church.  I was lost and now it was worse being ignored by a place I thought I was supposed to feel safe and loved in.  I stopped looking for a little while but then I guess God must have been tugging at my heart strings so I continued my search.  I really hope that church has improved on responding to people.  What if I was about to end my life then?  It’s not like my letter was suicidal, but it was clearly a cry for help. That saddens my heart that the letter was ignored.  Makes me wonder how many people may have slipped through the cracks because they felt that nobody really cared, not even a church.  I can only hope they didn’t give up because I know not all churches are like that.

Well, thankfully I didn’t give up and kept searching. I eventually found my church home and I am grateful.  Back in 2009 when I had been uncomfortably giving a new church a trial run for a little while, there was a guest preacher who happened to be speaking one Sunday.  The message he delivered was the one that God meant for me to hear.  It pierced my heart.  Suddenly my heart and mind started opening to God and that’s when my journey slowly started to take place and months later the miracles started happening.  But initially, after that first message that broke through, I was so in awe of what I was feeling.  I felt like I should write that minister to let him know.  I couldn’t believe how prompt he was with a response.  He was only a guest at the church!  I was impressed.  I was so touched since I had been ignored the other time.  It motivated me to stay in church.  I was finally starting to seek God.  Soon I started feeling really comfortable and I had contacted one of the leaders there.  She promptly responded to me too!  I thought wow, I am not being ignored this time and there truly are people who do care.  She is now my senior pastor and I am grateful for her.  I am so blessed to have a female pastor because I can talk to her about anything.  She’s never too busy when I reach out to her.

So thankful for that guest minister and his wife who have their own ministry and my pastor.  They are the ones who have helped me the most on this incredible journey.  If it weren’t for them, I don’t think I’d have this incredible connection with the Lord. I never would have been transformed by God.  I’d still be lost.  I don’t think I would have kept searching if I had been ignored again. Thankfully, I’ll never know.  I had communicated with them electronically so much at first.  I still do.  And they respond promptly every single time.  But they also make time for me in person and I am grateful for those times we spend together.  I want to be just like them in ministry.  The way they reach people for the Lord and the love they have for God and His people is amazing.  I’m thankful I now have a heart for God like they do and I believe it has happened because of their example.  I am beyond blessed by them and eternally grateful for what they have done and continue to do to help me grow in the Lord.

And because of them, I now have several brothers and sisters in Christ who all bless me and help keep me going no matter how difficult the journey gets.  I don’t know why I’m sharing all of this.  I guess I mainly have it on my heart to say that I hope everyone finds a church home that they will feel safe and loved in and will help them grow like I did.  I hope everyone finds a pastor they can trust and open their heart to.  Whoever you are, I pray that you search until you find the right place for you.  It’s out there.  I pray that you won’t give up, sometimes it takes a while.  I am so glad I didn’t quit.  There are lots of pastors out there who truly care and want to help and I am thankful to every one of them for what they do to bring people like me to the Lord. I’m thankful that they show us and teach us what following Christ is all about.  Let’s not ever forget to thank our pastors and ministers, etc., for what they do for God and for us and show them some love right back.

God bless our pastors and ministers who do all they can to take care of the Lord’s sheep! ♥

This is for those who are where I used to be—completely lost and making choices that can cost lives, including your own—Do you need a miracle?

Debbie B. 5 Comments

God is the God of miracles!  The Lord has been stirring my heart to share some more about my past. I didn’t think that I could muster up the courage to follow through with this because it is about something I am deeply ashamed of.  However, because I believe it is what the Lord wants from me, I am doing it with the hope that He will use me again to reach a heart or two…to give some hope that change is possible, but only with His power.

I want you to understand that I know how tired you are.  I know how hopeless you feel.  I know you think it is impossible to get out of the deep pit that you are in.  I know all of this because that is where I was just two and a half years ago.  I lived like that for about two decades. You must stop believing the lies of the enemy.  There IS hope in Jesus.  There is no pit too deep for Him to pull you out of.   My transformed life is proof of that!  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for all who cry out to God for help.  Cry out to Him and have faith that help is on the way.

I happened to read something today that brought me back to some of the darkest days of my past.  It was a Facebook post about a vehicle accident where it turns out that there was a drunk driver involved.  Praise God that everyone was okay.  It seems the worst injury was whiplash.  I am so ashamed to admit that I used to get behind the wheel quite intoxicated. Some times were much worse than others.  I made those stupid and careless decisions for about 20 years of my adult life.

I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t even think about others.  All I knew was that I didn’t care about myself.  I thought I’d be better off dead so I didn’t care if I ever died in a car crash.  I never thought about any other consequences, I was too numb.  That’s what happens to those of us who are that lost and are already dead inside.  I am so sorry that I never once thought about others.  That is not the kind of heart that I really have.  But I was in chains controlled by the enemy.   I remember the darkness like it was yesterday.  The enemy is powerful.   I didn’t have a chance to break free because I wasn’t ready to fully surrender my life to the Lord.  If I could go back, I sure would have done it so much sooner.   But then, I guess the Lord wouldn’t be able to use me the way He does today, so it has all happened in my life as He planned.  I always have a hard time wrapping my mind around that so I don’t try to so much anymore.

January 2010, was the second to the last time that I made the choice to drive home drunk.  The memory is haunting.  I remember it was sometime after midnight. As I was sitting at a red light near home, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw my dead eyes looking back at me.  Suddenly I felt very fearful.  I remember feeling so disgusted with myself.  I could not even remember getting on or off the freeway.  I was horrified at what I had done. It’s amazing that I had never felt that way all the other times.  It was always a thought of pure luck to me. I was a gambler. As I got older, I remember getting a little more concerned about my choices, I did it less and less, but it was never enough to make me stop completely.  I always took each time I made it home without incident for granted.  I am so not proud of those days.

A year before that is when I remember the depression and drinking had become so bad that I sobbed uncontrollably one night and dropped to my knees asking God why my life was the way it was.  I didn’t know it then, but I realize that is when God started to work behind the scenes.  It took another year and a few months for Him to really reach me completely, but I am amazed to know that He started a lot sooner.  I have told my story in another post of how God rescued me while I laid in a hospital room crying out to Him…the rest is history.

I will never know how I managed to escape getting arrested for driving under the influence, and it is a true miracle that I didn’t hurt or kill anybody.  God’s grace always kept me and others safe, but I had a feeling that would be changing soon if I didn’t do something about it.  I felt my time was running out soon and that something horrible was going to happen in the near future.  I certainly didn’t deserve God’s grace, I didn’t even have God in my heart all of those painful years.  But that’s our wonderful and merciful Savior for you.  I am forgiven. Jesus has completely set me free.  I have received His free gift of grace.  I have received His forgiveness.  He has helped me to forgive others and to forgive myself and I have turned away from sin.

My life is truly a miracle.  In just about five more months, I will be celebrating three years of sobriety.  I share all of this not to say what a great person I am, but to say how great the Lord God Almighty is.  I wish so much that everybody would experience the miracles I have.  I stopped drinking without a 12-Step program or any other kind of help.  My story is 100% miracle of God’s power.  But if things don’t happen for you exactly how they happened for me, do not be discouraged.  It just means that God has different plans for you that are going to be just as great.  He helps different people in different ways.  God has all the resources in the world to help us.  He will guide you to the right ones for your life if you surrender to Him and give Him control.  You must trust Him. It doesn’t matter how we stop turning to vices to ease our pain.  It doesn’t matter what kind of addictions we have.  It doesn’t matter how deep in the pit we are.  But it does matter that we stop running from Jesus and start running to Him and only Him.  There is nothing too tough for Jesus to handle.  Remember what He said in Mark 9:23…“Everything is possible for one who believes.”  I believe!!  I pray you will believe too and receive your miracle.  It will happen in His perfect timing.

I may be repeating things from previous posts, but I do because they are important enough to keep repeating.  Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lift you up. I have met so many wonderful people through church and they love me and don’t judge me. I have a wonderful pastor.  They all help keep me accountable. I encourage you to build a team of godly friends that will support you.  I know it may be difficult for some.  That was me…but if I can do it, so can you.  We can’t expect to stay on track alone.

There is light at the end of the dark tunnel, friends.  Never give up hope. That’s what the enemy wants. God loves you so much.  When you receive your miracle, I pray you will share what God has done and that you will be willing to be used by Him to help others.

Bless you, I am praying for you. ♥

Painful memories bring many tears, but my heart smiles anyway.

Debbie B. 4 Comments

Recently, we celebrated the life of my uncle Joe who passed away last month. He was one of my dad’s brothers.  He was the oldest brother, and last one to go home to be with the Lord.  My dad was the youngest of the four brothers and the third one to pass away.  It seems so strange that they are all gone now.

On the way to the memorial service, I had so many thoughts going through my mind.  It was a sad occasion for sure for the family because he’ll be greatly missed.  But I wasn’t expecting so many painful memories of the past to return.  At least I wasn’t expecting them to hit my heart the way they did.  I have been so strong for the last year or so and the Lord has completely healed my heart so I was really caught off guard.  I completely lost it.  I couldn’t help but think about all the years without my dad in my life.  It always makes me sad when I go back to when he decided to leave.  I try not to go back there, but this latest death brought it all back.  I was reminded of all the times I spent with dad’s side of the family when I was a young adult.  The only way I could be there comfortably was to drink. I just didn’t know how else to be comfortable around them—drinking made it doable.  I remember how difficult it was to especially be around my uncles. Those painful memories certainly came back.  I loved my uncles and I don’t think they realized back then how hard it was for me to see them and to hear their laughter when my dad was no longer around.  They reminded me too much of dad and seeing how close they were to their kids made me sad all the time because I felt so abandoned by mine.  The drinking made me feel happy…well, sort of.   At least at the beginning it did. The happiness was short lived of course, but everybody drank so it wasn’t like I stood out too much.   I’m sure it was noticed how much I could drink as I got older, but nobody said anything about it.  I think they just thought I was a funny drunk. I remember being happy on the outside and dead on the inside.  I got pretty good at hiding the pain at first, nobody needed to know how I felt deep inside.  But as time went on, I think my emotions would come out more.  I remember crying all the time in front of the family.  They knew I was sad about things, but nobody asked and I didn’t share in words what I was feeling.  I remember those horrible days so well.   I remember how lost and alone I felt. (I am so grateful that the Lord has changed all of this and I am no longer lost, drunk and depressed!)

What a roller coaster of emotions…I was also thinking about what a blessing it was for each of my uncles to be surrounded by love and family while they were on their death beds.  Someone was with each of them when they took their last breath on this earth.  I am so glad to know that.  All of my cousins were so blessed to have their fathers in their lives.  My heart goes out to the families for their losses.  Learning of my uncle’s recent passing and knowing that he had family there with him made me go through different emotions.  I was grateful that my uncle was not alone, but I was incredibly sad at the same time—sad because out of all of them, my dad was the only one not surrounded by family when he died.  His death was sudden and unexpected and he was quite a distance from everybody.  It breaks my heart that nobody knew that he had died until several days later, when his neighbors noticed that they hadn’t seen him in a while.  Suddenly I found myself on the phone with a complete stranger who had called to give me the worst news I had ever received over the phone.

That made all kinds of thoughts go through my mind like, was it instant? I can only hope it was.  It’s horrible wondering if he could have been saved if help was there.  It’s hard not to think like that but I’m learning to just give it all to the Lord and to keep thanking Him for reaching my dad’s heart at some point while he was out there so I know he’s in Heaven.  I am also grateful for the forgiveness that the Lord helped me with so that everything was okay between me and dad right before he died.  What a tremendous blessing that was and the healing and freedom that came with it!! God is so good.

As followers of Christ we believe that we have eternal life. I keep reminding myself that this is not our home, especially during the difficult times. Death is only sad for those left behind.  As soon as I got word that my uncle died, all I could think about were the four brothers being reunited in Heaven.  I swear I could hear their voices and the laughter that I used to hear when I was a little girl before everything fell apart.  Those are the memories that I want to hold on to.  And I heard them say to my uncle: “Welcome Home, Carnal, welcome home.”  The thought of that sure brings peace and a smile to my heart.

As I’m coming to a close on this I started thinking…what’s the purpose of this post?  You know what, friend?  I honestly have no idea. This blog is all about things from my heart that I feel God puts there to write about.  Every time I have published something, I have wondered whether or not I should have. So far, it always turns out that someone was helped by what they read.  I am grateful that God is using me this way so I just continue to follow those promptings no matter how difficult it is to open my heart like this for strangers.  Anyway, I figure at the very least, that writing and getting things out is good therapy for me.  It can be very dangerous if I keep things inside and I certainly don’t want to go backwards on this journey!  This really helps keep me on the right track with the Lord and it’s keeping me sober.  Praise God!

I pray that something in here is a blessing to someone out there reading it.  If not, I would just like to go ahead and say: “Thanks for listening, anyway.”  God bless you. ♥