Category God

“How long, Lord??”

Debbie B. 4 Comments

That is a question I find myself asking Him more and more lately.  I feel like I have been in the fire for a long time now. It seems it started quite early on in this journey.  God is up to something with me that is for sure.  He has been growing me so quickly.  Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am barely hanging on.  So many times lately, I find myself asking Him when I am settling in for the night: “How long is this going to be for, Lord?  I am tired…”  I am glad He is teaching me how to fully rely on Him.  I am glad I am teachable!! 

It is not just me going through the fire.  It is also many of my Christian brothers and sisters whom I love dearly.  I am not as strong as some of them.  At least I do not think so.  I think I might be one of the youngest (spiritually speaking) so I really look up to them and I am hanging in there like they are. I thank God for placing them in my path. I know it was for a reason.  I am pretty sure I would not have been able to last this long had it not been for their example. I know that God is working behind the scenes for all of us because amazing things have been happening little by little. Things that only God could ever make happen.  It is exciting!  I am glad God allows me to see a little bit at a time because it helps to keep my hope alive. I trust God has great plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that is what keeps me going.  Some day in the future, I believe God will use me to help a new Christian who will be going through some really tough times early on in their new walk with the Lord.  I will admit that I wish I could fast forward this just a little, but I do not want to miss out on ANY blessing the Lord has for me so I shall remain faithful, obedient, and patient. No matter how difficult it gets. 

It is so amazing to look back at when the Lord was first getting through to my heart.  He chose a place to do it where I would need to grow quickly.  Things that happened early on are just now starting to make sense for me.  Of course I do not know all that He has planned and I know that is a good thing.  I am certain I would be scared away if I could see it all coming.  But, He sure has been doing mighty things in my life for the last couple of years.  He has given me little glimpses of things. Although it still can be intimidating, I just keep following Him and being obedient.  I keep climbing out of the boat for Him–so not easy to do.  Sometimes I think I am shoved out, but it really is all good because it is all for God.  What else am I going to do anyway?  I spent my entire adult life lost in darkness. I refuse to go back to that.  I am not afraid of dying, but I am terrified of living in the enemy’s chains again. I cannot ever let that happen again, so that is my motivation to keep on keeping on.  Through it all, my faith is rising.  I am getting stronger.  Thanks to Jesus, I am an overcomer!! 

Well, I think the answer to my own question of how long has just come to me: “As long as it takes…”  Thank You, Lord!  I am grateful for this second chance at life that You have given me.  You never let me down, so I do not ever want to let You down either. 

 The incredible journey continues…onward!

Random thought: “So you’ve surrendered your heart to Christ…now what?”

Debbie B. 5 Comments

For some reason, God placed that thought on my heart to share this morning.  It sure isn’t a thought I had each time I surrendered my heart (yes, I had to do it more than once). I think God wants me to share this probably because He doesn’t want people to do what I did next…which was nothing.  At least not for a long time. I was in my early twenties the first time.  I was lost.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  Even if that thought had come back then, I’m guessing it wouldn’t have mattered.  I remember I had a sincere heart, but that’s all I remember.  I have no idea whether or not the church tried to follow up with me, I wasn’t a member of that church. I didn’t have a church I attended regularly.  Plus, I was too lost and too shy to want to try to find any Christians to reach out to.  I’m not putting the blame on anybody but myself. Looking back, I just know that I wasn’t ready.  I wanted to, but I just wasn’t ready to give Jesus my all.  I don’t count that altar call because afterward, I was still going through the motions. I kept doing my own thing…for another twenty plus years. 

I responded to another altar call at the age of 39.  It was at that time that the Lord really started to reach me (a little bit).  But, I still wasn’t ready to completely open my heart to Him.  It took another four years of absolute misery when I responded to another altar call.  Again, I continued to struggle for a bit.  I didn’t know it then, but little by little the Lord continued to reach me.   After that last time, it took another year before the Lord finally got through and I surrendered ALL to Him.  I finally learned to die to self.  I truly learned about His forgiveness AND about repentance (something that I see a lot of people take too lightly like I did initially).  SO grateful that my eyes, ears, and heart had finally been opened!  At first it bothered me that I was 44 when I finally caught on, but I’m okay with it now because nobody is ever too young or too old or too bad to give their heart to Jesus and that is great news! 

I receive a daily devotion from the NLT Life Application Study Bible, and a couple of weeks ago it was in reference to Isaiah 48:22.  I’d like to share what it said:  “Many people cry out for comfort, security, and relief, but they haven’t taken the first steps to turn away from sin and open the channels to God. They have not repented and trusted in Him. If you want true peace, seek God first. Then He will give you His peace.”

I see a lot of people cry out to God then wonder why things are good for a while only to see things fall apart again, again, and again. I see a lot of people doing what I used to.  They say they believe in Jesus and they are thankful for what He did for us, but they act as though His dying on the cross is a free ticket to continue the same sins.  Glad I know now how wrong I was by doing that and I’m so grateful that I’ve learned to turn away from those sins that I have been forgiven for.  I’ll always be a sinner, but I’m not doing the same sins over and over like before. I trust Him, I seek Him daily, I have His peace!

As I end this post I’d like to share one more thing. There’s something I heard Joyce Meyer say regarding Jesus as Lord that sticks with me all the time, especially when I seem to lose focus thinking I’m in control of something.  It goes something like this: “He is either Lord of all, or He is not Lord at all.” It’s all or nothing and I’m so glad He’s my all!!  When that quote comes to mind it makes me stop what I’m doing and I immediately give it back to Jesus and say “Sorry, Lord, I know You’ve got this!”  I can just picture Jesus shaking His head and smiling (many times) when I mess up like that.  What can I say…I keep learning as I go…after all, I am a life-long learner.

Giving up on God…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

Thankfully, I refuse to even consider that as an option.  I must admit that there are times when I get so tired from getting beat up spiritually, that I allow thoughts of quitting to enter my mind. However, I’m well aware of where those thoughts are coming from so I keep fighting the good fight. I think I’ll always get tempted to throw in the towel when the going gets tough, but only with God’s help will I be able to resist. There have been some pretty significant trials during this journey, especially as a newer Christian. Sometimes I feel pretty wounded by them, but I’ve learned how to hold on tight to the Lord.  I’ve learned how to let Him carry me through and strengthen me. I’ve learned how to fully trust Him.  I’m encouraged each time I make it through to the other side and how my faith continues to get stronger. Each trial or challenge that comes my way has turned out to be a wonderful opportunity to increase my faith. I am grateful for that and for learning how to look beyond the circumstances so I can keep my focus on the Lord and His will for my life. I am grateful that He has given me the eyes to see the invisible. I am beyond blessed to be surrounded by people of strong faith guiding me and encouraging me through, even in the midst of their own trials. We are all learning and growing stronger in the Lord together.  I couldn’t do this walk without them. I used to think I didn’t need anybody, boy was I wrong.  Nobody should attempt this journey alone. Of course we can’t make it without God in the lead, but we need to remember that we can’t make it without other Christians keeping us accountable and on track.  

It also helps that God reminds me very clearly, how doing my own thing didn’t work.  He reminds me of the decades of misery, how it almost came to an end, and how I almost allowed the enemy to win my soul.  Because it’s all quite fresh in my mind, it doesn’t take much to snap me out of  ungodly thoughts.  I’m thankful for that. 

In the last couple of years, God has done phenomenal things in my life.  I understand my rapid growth is not the norm.   At the beginning of this journey, my pastor even mentioned she noticed how fast I was growing and said that it meant that God has something important for me to do.  I never imagined what He’d want with me.  I couldn’t see why He chose me.  I was so inadequate, so broken.  Little did I know that the more broken we are, the more God can use us to help others.  When I first learned how to pray, God started answering prayers right away.  He gave me a heart like His. I was amazed at the willingness I had so soon to want to do His will.  Before I even knew what was happening, I found myself praying for Him to use me.  I prayed the “Thy will be done” prayer (yikes!).  I really had no clue what I was in for, but I don’t regret any of this.  Just like I’ve heard someone say, Jesus didn’t promise that following Him would be easy, but He said it would be worth it.  It’s so true.  Even as tough as it is, it has all been extremely worth it.  Especially considering where I came from.  

I finally stopped wondering why God chose me, so I finally stopped asking Him.  Now I just keep doing my best to grow and seek His will.  Turns out God does His best work through people like me (weak) and I’m grateful for the fact that I will never ever be able to take credit for anything that happens in and through me.  I always was concerned about not staying humble.  I learned I don’t have to be concerned about that any more.  I’m good with being a weak person.  But with God, I can do anything, and that’s every exciting.  His power is real and is available for anybody who wants it! 

I’m glad for the task I’ve been given to share my journey with people, I was afraid at first to open up my life to strangers. After all, it’s so personal. But I see that God wants to use it as an example for others and that is an incredible honor.  He has certainly given me the courage to do it and this is just the beginning. There’s so much more to write in this story, I’m looking forward to sharing it as it happens.

Well, to end this post, I feel God really wants to make sure people know that nobody is too broken or too weak to be used by Him.  I pray that my sharing will inspire others to allow God to use them too.  Remember that anything is possible with God, so go for it and remember to share your testimony with others!

How could God possibly love someone like me?

Debbie B. 2 Comments

That’s a thought that I had just over two years ago.  I spent many nights drinking too much trying to numb the pain from my broken heart, for some reason there’s one night that I remember very well.  On this particular night, I think what triggered that thought was when I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was headed to the refrigerator for another cold one.  I don’t know why, but I stopped and took a long look into the reflection of what was a lost soul. I can still picture those lifeless eyes staring back at me. I hated who I had become.  I didn’t blame anybody, I knew I did it to myself and I thought I’d never be able to climb out of that big black hole that I had dug for myself.  I was seriously wondering how God could ever love someone who had spent just about her entire life with her back to Him—no love, no trust, no surrender.  I also wondered why He didn’t let me die like I wanted to. I was certainly ready to go. I wasn’t doing anybody any good being alive. I doubted anybody would notice that I was gone (other than my mom).  Yes, these are very dark thoughts.  They were the enemy’s lies that I believed because I didn’t know any better back then.  I didn’t know God. It’s so not easy writing about my past, but I believe the Lord brought this to my heart tonight to share. 

I am so very grateful to God for saving me from those dark days.  He has really done amazing things in me and through me.  I have been completely transformed. No depression, no drinking…Jesus has completely healed me and set me free. And, I discovered that I AM loved, I was loved even before I knew it!  It’s a love I never knew could exist.  I want others to know His amazing love too.   

It’s truly a miracle that I’m here sharing my heart with all of you. God is now using all that pain and suffering that I went through for good. I’ve learned that I am uniquely qualified to help others who are going through a similar experience. What a blessing it is to be used by God. 

I just want people who are struggling to get to know God’s love like I do and to let Him have control—He’s patiently waiting for those hearts to surrender to Him. It’s something I will never regret doing. My only regret is not doing it much sooner. 

I would like to be able to help many, but if I could just help one person find hope in Jesus through my sharing on this blog, then remembering and writing about the difficult times that I went through is more than worth it. 

I’ve included a link to a song by Laura Story. It has a wonderful message about the Lord’s Perfect Peace.  I pray that God speaks to some hurting hearts through my message as well as through this beautiful song. If those hearts haven’t surrendered to Him yet, I am hopeful they will soon. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqqfDtnv8fY

“His last breath on earth was his first breath in heaven.”

Debbie B. 4 Comments

Father’s Day is a little less than one month away, I felt inspired to share. I spent years struggling with this time of year. The words I used for the title of this post were actual words sent to me in an email from a stranger who had heard about my father’s passing. His death was unexpected. I was thankful for those words, they were comforting to me.

Dad was found dead in his home by police officers in Nevada. He was 72 and he lived alone. Apparently he had been there a few days. I live in Southern California. I’ll never forget the dreadful phone call that came on that Wednesday evening in September 2010. The voice on the other end was a strange man’s voice. I remember him saying those few words—the worst that anyone could ever have to hear over the phone: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dad…” I think I stayed silent for a little bit there. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

This may sound like a sad story, it starts out that way, but there really is a happy ending to it. My dad broke my heart when I was 16 and I wasted over 20 years being angry, hurt, bitter…all the emotions a person goes through when they feel abandoned by a parent. I remember going through life feeling I was robbed because I didn’t have a dad in my life like most of my friends and relatives. I know it wouldn’t have been as bad as it was if I had known my Heavenly Father, but I didn’t. I remember watching others enjoy time with their dads and I used to dream that was my life. I used to wonder what it was like. I used to cry so many times because I saw that I was missing out on so much. I lost so many years with my dad because I really didn’t want much to do with him after I had become an adult. It was too late in my mind for him to try to be there now.

I thought I had forgiven my dad a few years back but it turned out I didn’t. The best thing I ever learned about forgiveness was that it is a decision, not an emotion. I learned to work on it every single day. I even went to a healing retreat at church because I was desperate and determined to learn to truly forgive. I also needed healing. I was a fairly new Christian. I wanted so much to please God so I knew I had to do my part to be able to overcome this. It also scared me to know that God wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t forgive others. That was my biggest motivation. I was determined to work on this no matter how long it was going to take. No matter how difficult it was. I’m grateful to God for putting people in my path to help me learn to do this. I discovered that forgiveness is for the person that needs to forgive. When we don’t forgive, we are drinking poison. We are only hurting ourselves. People actually get physically sick from carrying bitterness and unforgiveness inside. After a while of working on this, I could feel the difference. God was healing me. I forgave my dad and this time it was for real. I even found myself telling him I loved him and I meant it! I hadn’t been able to do that in years! I finally had complete freedom!

Forgiveness came only three months before Dad died. I see now how God worked this all out perfectly (like He does with everything). I was so happy to know that my dad had accepted Jesus. God knew my dad was going to be going home soon and He helped me to forgive him before it was too late. I admit that I may still feel a little sad every Father’s Day. I wish I could have had more time with my dad, but I am grateful for the few good months God gave us. The best part of all of this is that I now have a wonderful relationship with my Heavenly Father. He is the One I celebrate on Father’s Day.

I pray for those who are having a hard time with forgiveness. I was there. It’s not a good place to be. I encourage anybody who needs to forgive to just make the decision to do it. Do your best to keep the emotions out of it…that will help you. Ask God to help you and He will. Don’t drink the poison like I did for too long. It will make you sick and can kill you. You never know when it’s going to be too late to forgive someone, don’t wait to find out. Forgive and be free and be blessed!!