Category Addictions

A true story about the power of God in a broken life of depression and drunkenness

Debbie B. 2 Comments

There’s so much brokenness around me, I felt I needed to write again about depression and the drunkenness that can come with it.  I know not everyone can relate to it, but I believe there’s someone out there who needs to hear this. It’s also about how God reached down and changed it all by turning a life filled with hopelessness and emptiness into a life filled with everlasting joy that only He can give. A life filled with hope and purpose. I pray that it gives someone out there needing God’s hand to move in their life much encouragement. His power is real.

It was 2010, around 2:00 one February morning when she was suddenly awakened by her heart going haywire inside of her chest. The symptoms were very familiar as she had lived with them for about 17 years of her adult life. It began sometime after she started drinking heavily. It was never actually said or proven that drinking was the cause of the symptoms. They told her it was a possibility, but she never knew for sure. She figures the drinking definitely didn’t help, but that didn’t stop her. There were several things that should have stopped her from drinking, but she was too deep into the pit. Only God would be able to pull her out…when she was ready.

It took the doctors a long time, but they finally diagnosed her with a minor heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). It’s not life threatening, but it can cause wear and tear on the heart. The symptoms would wipe her out for a day or so. It was more a huge inconvenience than anything to her.  In 2005, the SVT had finally been corrected by an ablation—a procedure where they took a catheter, went in through the groin, into a vein, took it up into the heart, and basically burned off extra nerves that were in there causing the crazy heart rhythms (at least that’s how the doctor at that time had explained it to her).  After the procedure, she had been symptom free for five years…until that one dark morning after what turned out to be the morning after her final evening of binge drinking.

The symptoms returned and they were extremely severe. Because she had lived with it for so long, she knew how to stay calm and knew the different things to try that usually made the irregular heart beat jump back into normal rhythm. However, this time it was different. Nothing she tried worked. She had been told in the past not to wait too long before seeking medical attention, but she’s very stubborn. She tried for an hour to handle it herself, but she started getting too weak and the nurse she had been speaking to on the phone convinced her to get to the emergency room. To slow the heart rate, usually all that was needed was an IV with some meds. Eventually, it would get back to normal and she would be released.

But once again, this time it was different. The medical staff in the ER couldn’t get it to slow down at all. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She kept wondering why nothing was working this time.  She never had to stay overnight in the hospital for this condition before, except when they did the procedure to fix it.  It was difficult for her to have to share with the doctor that she had done some binge drinking the night before.  She didn’t say anything about the severe depression because she didn’t remember feeling depressed at that time. The alcohol did its job and she was numb. After several hours of no progress, they finally admitted her into the cardiac care unit.

This is when she thinks that God was really giving her a major wake up call to wise up and change her destructive lifestyle. She thinks she was running out of chances and started to see that there were some significant warning signs, maybe slightly smaller wake up calls that were leading up to that last episode, but she had been ignoring them. This warning sign however, it seems God finally broke through and made sure she couldn’t ignore it. She was finally ready to listen. She knew in her troubled heart that if she didn’t do something to change her ways soon, she’d either end up in jail or dead.  Soon, she would be alone in a hospital room where she would find herself crying out to God for help. Rock bottom finally came…

As I laid there in the hospital room all alone and not so drunk anymore, I started to think about why I was there. I had nobody but myself to blame.  I had been depressed and a drinker for so long, I was very tired.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I used to pray many nights crying out to a God I didn’t know, asking Him to take my life (thank God for unanswered prayers).  So there I was in the hospital room seeking God sincerely with my whole heart for the first time.  I realized that I really didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t think I was going to die there in that room, but I felt that if I didn’t stop drinking and change my ways that I’d be dead before 50—I had just turned 44 the night before.  I had sure made a big mess of my life, but the Lord reached down when I cried out to Him. He helped me to clean up my mess and He delivered me from the depression and drinking…He set the captive free just like He promises to.

These are amazing miracles in my life that I try sharing with all who will listen. God is the God of miracles and breakthroughs and He’s using my life to show what He can do with a willing heart. Looking back, I now consider my old life a blessed mess because of what He’s doing with it now. Today, I’m grateful I can say it’s no longer a mess, it’s just extremely blessed. I’ll be honest and say it hasn’t been an easy life, but it is definitely a blessed one. I will spend the rest of my days trying to reach out to others hoping I can help them reach out to God like I did. I pray I can help them find hope in Him. I also pray that more people will open their hearts to Him because what He has done for me, He will do for anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart. I truly believe that.

Friends, for anyone struggling out there, you are not alone. Never give up on God. I am so glad that I didn’t.  May God speak to you and bless you through this story…after all, it’s His story! ♥

Learning to live a sober life…

Debbie B. 7 Comments

It sure is not an easy thing to just be starting in my forties.  It’s hard learning to live when you spend a lot of time alone. It’s hard to break away from being a loner.  That’s all I’ve known for too many years of avoiding people.  I got very used to keeping to myself.  I am a true introvert.  And what makes it worse, a shy one.

I have a real difficult time in social gatherings.  I spent this past Sunday at a park for a picnic with my church. It was a beautiful day.  I got some practice photography in and managed to capture a few good shots that showed some beautiful hearts for God.  It was a blessed time of fellowship.  However, it was not easy for me to be there at first. I don’t think most people would have been able to guess that the morning was a rough start for me.  I felt so anxious I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t go. But, I really love these people so I knew I had to just deal with it. I’m glad I did of course because in time I was fine.  It’s so interesting to me that I’m okay with the same people when we do outreaches.  Even though I get nervous, it’s completely different.  It must be the servant heart that the Lord has given me.  I really do have a passion to serve Him and to reach others for Him.  I’m sure in time I’ll overcome this social challenge with His help.

I’ve never been comfortable socially in large groups.  Put me in a large group for a work meeting and have me speak in front of all of them about things I know, no problem.  But put me with that same group to just be social?  That’s definitely a problem.  What used to get me through those situations was drinking.  Not only was alcohol my medicine to numb the pain of depression, it was also my liquid courage.  I wasn’t so shy when I drank.  Drinking calmed my nerves and made me comfortable in my own skin.

I thank God that I am no longer tempted to drink, but I make sure I don’t put myself in situations that may cause me to slip up.  Even though I’m much stronger now, I can see how easy it would be. All it would take is just one sip to destroy everything that God has done. There’s just too much to lose to take that kind of chance so if I’m invited to an event where there’s going to be alcohol, I usually turn it down.  If I do go, it’s not for long.  I just simply prefer not to be around it if I can help it.  Some people understand, and some people don’t. I can’t worry about that. I have to do whatever it takes to make sure I stay sober.

Doing things like that are great but I don’t think it’s enough.  One of the greatest things I’ve learned to do is to build a team of godly people to help me stay accountable.  God has blessed me with an incredible team.  They sure inspire me to keep pressing forward and they keep me out of trouble.  I love spending time with them.

It’s been a little over two years, but I’m barely getting started on this new life the Lord has given me.  While I was writing this, I realized I never really learned how to live before sobriety.  I was too depressed and intoxicated to live. I can see that this is going to take a bit of time.

Well, I just felt like I needed to share what’s on my heart tonight. Maybe someone out there can relate to this.  I will just keep doing what I’m doing…holding on to hope and holding on to God one step at a time, one day at a time, and praise Him for victory!

“You can’t run away from yourself…”

Debbie B. 6 Comments

A dear sister friend told me that (or something like it) when I told her I felt like running away.  Those words woke me up. I was feeling super overwhelmed by the spiritual and emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on lately.  I was thinking that if I could just go somewhere else where nobody knows me there’d be less pressure to…well, I don’t even know what to tell you the truth.  Apparently, I really wasn’t thinking. I took my focus off of Jesus and got overwhelmed.  What would I really be running away from?  I’d be running away from all the good things keeping me on track, that’s all. So very glad my friend helped me to snap out of it and refocus!

I really can’t run away from myself, and I certainly can’t run away from God. There is no hiding from Him.  Not to mention that it would be such a dangerous thing for a formerly depressed alcoholic like me to do. If I were to run away to a place where nobody knows me, then I’ve lost my godly team of people keeping me accountable. There’s just too much to lose by running away. I know the enemy was hoping I’d open a door for him again, but it didn’t happen. God is keeping me strong and I’m so thankful to Him for the people He has placed in my life to help me stay the course. 

This year has been the most challenging year of my sober life. The closer I grow to God, the more I seek and serve Him, the more the enemy tries to trip me up. I was feeling pretty weak for that moment, but my friend blessed me with her words and prayer, and I continue to take one day at a time holding on tightly to the Lord—I’m still standing. I know I can’t walk this journey without my godly friends. God placed them in my life for a reason and I am grateful for every one of them. 

So for anyone out there who might be feeling overwhelmed by life and you’re thinking you’d like to run away, don’t do it.  I’ll say to you what my friend said to me…You can’t run away from yourself.  Here’s a quote from Confucius that you can think about as well: “No matter where you go, there you are.” 🙂  So you see, we might as well stay where we are and keep on pressing forward with God’s help. 

Stay strong in the Lord friends, He’ll carry you through it all if you let Him.  Make sure you have godly friends you can turn to when you’re struggling. I can’t say enough how extremely important that is.

Bless you! ♥

The thought of idol worship has helped me to stay sober

Debbie B. Leave a comment

The idol worship I am speaking of is not what most would think. I don’t mean the kind like the golden calf in Exodus in the Old Testament. I remembered something I read that helped me back in 2010 so I want to share these words from this book called Power to Reinvent Yourself by Jason Frenn: “An idol can be anything we fervently pursue instead of God. An idol is something we regularly, consistently, and habitually seek that brings gratification or a high in a time of need, hurt, or anxiety.  Simply put, it is anything that replaces the Lord God Almighty in our lives.”  When I first read these words after only eight months of sobriety, my eyes were opened.  That is why I want to put this out there for others who may not realize what they’re doing.  It was no accident that God had me hear those words at a critical time in my life.  For me, it was getting that book in my hands.  Perhaps this post will be God’s way of reaching someone else at a critical moment in their life. That is my hope. Once this serious offense was brought to my attention, I was very afraid of going back and repeating it. So here I am, sober for two years and almost four months…and counting.  Thank You, God. 

I share a lot about my battle with depression and drinking because I think what I have learned from it all is worth sharing. Especially if it has a chance to help someone else open their heart to the Lord and make Him their priority in life.  The Lord delivered me from both. It was a true miracle. He has given me a heart to help those struggling like I did, no matter what it costs me.  Honestly, I have nothing to lose. My new life with the Lord is a win-win.  For that, I am eternally grateful. 

The bottle was my idol. I drank because my heart was broken and I was hurting very badly…for decades. God changed that.  For others, their idol could be food, drugs, pornography, etc.  Whatever it is, I pray they reach out to God instead.   I know there are a lot of hurting hearts out there today.  I would like to close this with a prayer that I had posted on my Facebook page not too long ago—it seems appropriate for today’s message:  

“Abba Father, there are hearts out there that need to feel Your presence at this very moment. I can feel their troubled hearts.  I know all too well what those hearts are feeling. I pray You reach down right now, wherever they are, and fill them with Your Peace! May their hearts overflow with joy that only You can provide, and may they seek You, and only You, every day and know without a doubt that You are with them always. I ask this in Jesus’ precious name. Amen.” 

Always reach for God before anything friends, He loves you deeply.  He will never forsake you. ♥

“Please help me Lord…I really don’t want to die.”

Debbie B. Leave a comment

I don’t remember if I cried that out to Him aloud or not. I know I at least thought it. Mostly, I remember all those nights that I prayed for Him to put me out of my misery.  When I found myself in a hospital room after what turned out to be my last night of binge drinking, I finally found hope in Christ.  I found hope at a time when life seemed so unbearably hopeless. That was my rock bottom. I realized that I really didn’t want to die like I had prayed for so many nights. All I ever really wanted was the emotional pain I had lived with for years to stop. So, with all my heart, I cried out to Jesus like I had done before.  But this time it was different. This time I surrendered my entire life to Him—all of it. I was finally ready to do what He wanted me to do. I guess most of us make that kind of decision when we think we’re on our way out. People have a hard time surrendering to Jesus. They either don’t want to surrender at all, or they only want to give some areas of their life to Him.  Not me. Not anymore. I have been given a second chance at life and I don’t intend on wasting it one more day by only living for myself.  I tried that and it didn’t work…boy did it not work. 

So for the last two plus years, my life has never been the same.   I am super excited about life! I love that I can say that and mean it from the heart. It really is a true miracle that I am here today sharing my heart for God with people I care about, but don’t even know.  That’s the kind of heart God gave me.

The Lord has given me a great purpose in life and that is to do all I can to help others find hope in Him too. It’s hard to imagine how I will be able to help, all I can really do is share what He’s done for me and do my best to live my life in a way that I pray will draw people to Him. It won’t be me doing it. It will be Him through me.  Some people are getting to witness the Lord’s work in my life in person, it’s been pretty exciting. But most people are just reading about it as I share. I realize that it is completely up to God to reach people who don’t know me. I pray somehow He touches their hearts in a way that they will want to do something to get connected to Him. I want this life with God that I am living now for others to experience too–it’s way too amazing to try to keep it to myself.  It really is the only way to live in this dark world. 

Living for God and for others has kept me from falling back into depression. It has kept me sober.  The more I serve, the more joy I have…true joy.  The kind that lasts that only God can give.  To be used by God is absolutely amazing, and I want others to see what He can do with a willing heart. Perhaps it will motivate some to do the same. I really hope it’s contagious. Imagine if it is!

God can use anybody if they are willing. Anybody out there thinking about it, what are you waiting for?  Give Him a try and watch what He does. If you do, trust me when I say that you’re going to want to fasten your seat belt!