Category Addictions

Sobriety Relapse: Just one sip and it’s all over for me…and the enemy knows it.

Debbie B. 4 Comments

I heard something recently that really scared me…the story starts out great about someone overcoming alcoholism. I don’t know if sobriety came through a miracle like mine or through a recovery program, but this person had remained sober for somewhere over ten years. Wow, that sure is a long time. Although I don’t know the circumstances, what scared me is when I heard that this person has since relapsed. If someone who seemed to have victory and have their life straightened out could fall back so hard and end up losing everything they had worked so hard and so long for, who am I to think that I would be exempt from relapse…especially since I haven’t even reached my three year milestone yet?

I’ve shared before how my sobriety is a true miracle of God’s power in my life—I didn’t need a recovery program. Because of that miracle, I started to dangerously think that I wouldn’t have to deal with this ever again. But once I heard of that relapse story, I recognized that I can’t fool myself into thinking I’m safe.  Well, not safe under my own power anyway.

Hearing that story was not a coincidence. I believe the Lord put me in the right place at the perfect time so I could hear it. His timing never ceases to amaze me. Lately, I’ve been battling thoughts of wishing I could have just one drink to relax after a hard day of work. For me, that is just completely impossible. No way could I ever have just one drink. I also know that all it will take is just one sip to destroy all the good that God has done in my life over the last couple of years. The enemy definitely knows this and he has been working hard at trying to make me stumble.

Life has been extra challenging lately. Work is exhausting, and when I spend time alone, my mind drifts and I battle thoughts of unhealthy things such as drinking. I know in my heart I really don’t want to go back there because that will kill me. But the battle with the mind is ongoing. It is tiring. The war being waged by the enemy is fierce, but I have come so far in such a short time that I will not give up. After all, God has given me so much to live for now, I want to continue to fight the good fight and thankfully, I have the Lord keeping me strong and protected. I wouldn’t be able to fight this fight without the Lord holding me up. I am so grateful that my connection with Him is so deep. When I shared with my pastor how this story scared me, she encouraged me by reminding me of my connection with the Lord, and that people with this kind of connection do not relapse. At least it would be a very rare thing to happen. I needed to be reminded of that. I will be alright as long as I keep connected to the Lord. Any of us with this kind of battle will be alright as long as we stay connected to Him and that is super encouraging!

The more I walk this walk, the more vulnerable I become. I know the only way I can help someone in their journey is to be vulnerable and share about what the Lord is doing in mine, so here I am. This journey is tough, but the Lord is giving me the strength and courage I need to do His will. I am grateful.  I have been led by the Lord to start attending a Christian recovery program (Celebrate Recovery) for the first time.  It was one of the most difficult steps of my life.  I think mostly I allowed the enemy to put fear in my heart.  Thankfully through prayer with my pastor and some dear friends, and with the Lord’s help I once again have conquered that fear.  It seemed really strange to me to be starting a recovery program after being sober for a while already.  However, I am following my heart and I am actually attending my second night tonight.  It will be my first meeting with a small group of women who all battle with chemical dependency.

Last week I actually spoke in front of a large group of people where I was one of several who took a turn speaking. I introduced myself and stated why I was there.  Friends, it was only a few words, but it was tough!!  I almost chickened out and was just going to stay seated.  But I followed the Lord’s prompt to just do it and I am so glad I listened to Him.  It was unexpected, but I had received a Celebrate Recovery chip with a special Bible verse on it.  It’s a little plastic thing, but it’s pretty special to me especially because of that Bible verse. It’s a blessing that I would have missed out on had I allowed my nerves to get in the way.

Here’s a photo of it:

“My Grace is enough for you.”

I realize now that the Lord will be using this part of my life to help others who are going through the same thing. Not everybody gets healed and gets sober through complete miracles like I have, so how can I encourage people to go through a recovery program if I haven’t walked that part of the journey myself? Knowing this helped me to make that first difficult step last week. This is a win-win for me because it is also going to give me an additional support group of people who ALL know the shoes I’m walking in. I’m learning that I really need that in my life, especially now.

I’ll be sharing things as I go along on this new journey the Lord has me on.  It is wonderful discovering my purpose in life—God’s will for my life.  I am on my way to something beyond what I could ever imagine on my own. I pray that people who are struggling will be encouraged to do something and get the help they need. We can’t do this on our own, but ALL things are possible with God!

This last photo is of me holding my special blessing. What you see is pure joy from God’s miracles in my life AND from discovering a big part of His plan for me. It is so good to be alive, to be sober, and to be used by God! Blessings to you all! ♥

Joy that can only come from God ♥

Does anybody see or hear the lost and broken walking among us?

Debbie B. Leave a comment

There was a young girl walking around completely lost and so empty inside.  Things got worse for her when the family fell apart, but her troubles really started before then.  Nobody knew how troubled she was.  When she was alone, which was often, all she could do was cry.  She was afraid most of the time.  She really started to hate her life.  She hated the way she looked.  She was short and struggled with weight.  She considered herself quite ugly and worthless (later on, when her dad left and never tried to contact her, she thought it was proof of her worthlessness).  She was always so shy and self conscious. She had a hard time in school, she wasn’t one of the brightest kids and the shyness made it difficult to make friends.  She had some, but in time it became more difficult because she had a hard time trusting.  She had been scarred by some cruel kids growing up.  There were times that some boys thought it was funny to grab her inappropriately.  They liked to mess with the “fat” girl.  She wasn’t a real person to them.  She learned to ignore it and would just keep walking…with her head down.  The walk home from school was quite far. So many times she’d be walking home alone with tears streaming down her face from those hurtful moments.  She didn’t want to tell anybody that she was hurting inside so she did all she could to keep her feelings to herself.  She was embarrassed.  She didn’t think anybody would understand anyway.  She had an early start of growing tired and hopeless.  Thoughts of suicide to end the pain soon followed.  When she reached the 10th grade, things got better.  It was from losing weight.  It gave her some confidence and a boost in self-esteem.  She did make some good friends and the thoughts of suicide were gone for a while.  However, the happiness didn’t last long.  As soon as her parents split apart, it was downhill from there.  In time she became completely lost and felt that nobody really saw or heard her.  She really didn’t want to be seen or heard by then.

I want so much to tell this young girl about Jesus.  I want her to really understand what He did for her on the cross.  I want her to know how much she is loved by God and how He sees her as the apple of His eye.  In His eyes, she is beautiful.  She needs to know that there’s nothing she can do to make Him love her more…or less.  She should know that God has great plans in store for her life.   I want her to know that even though she’ll go through many trials as an adult, she will not be going through them alone because Jesus will never leave her side.   He will lift her up.  I want to tell her that every challenge is an opportunity to grow closer to Him.  He will use everything for His good purpose and she will be richly blessed.   I want to tell her to never give up hope.  In Jesus, we have a hope that never disappoints.  She needs to know that there’s much more to life than what she is seeing and that life is so worth living.

I was that young girl and I sure wish I would have had somebody in my life at that time saying those words or something like them to me.  Even though it didn’t happen that way before I got old enough and chose to reach for the bottle instead of for Jesus, I am so very grateful that I know His love today.  He has completely turned my life around and is using every single painful experience for His glory now.  What a journey this has been.  What’s been happening to me for the last two plus years keeps me in such awe of Him.  He keeps moving in my life in such big ways.  All I can think of doing are things that bring Him glory.  I am called to serve Him in ministry.  It’s my heart’s desire.  I am doing things I never ever could have dreamed of.  The courage He has given me to just show up and be there and open my heart to strangers…wow.  That’s actually how this blog started.  Who pours out their heart like this?  Well, apparently I do but I couldn’t do it without Him leading me to do it, that’s for sure.  I am thankful for the courage and boldness that He gives me.

Again I find it difficult to write about such painful memories from when I was young, but the Lord has placed it on my heart to do it.  I want nothing more for the broken hearted than to feel God’s presence like I do—to feel His overwhelming love, and peace and to be completely healed and rescued from the enemy’s chains.  I want them to have the desire in their own heart to seek Him always and above all.  I want them to receive their breakthroughs and miracles.  This is what I am doing with this second chance at life.  I will do it until I take my last breath on this earth.  My heart is so willing.  I want to live it for Him and I will do all I can for others, praying that I can help them find hope in Jesus too.  I pray that I can be someone who sees and hears a lost soul and boldly shares Jesus with them.  I pray that more of us will pay attention to our surroundings and reach out to the lost and be bold for Jesus.  Maybe,  just maybe we can help a person avoid such pain like I and so many like me have gone through because we didn’t have the Lord in our lives.  How awesome would that be?!

The peace, joy, and love that I carry inside—I’ve never known anything like it before.  It’s indescribable what I feel inside and I know it can only come from the Lord.  I so want other people to feel Him like this!!!  I seek the Lord with my whole heart every day and I always find Him.  This life is hard and I cannot live it without Him.  Not anymore.  I tried that and it didn’t work out very well.  Jesus is truly my all.

So although I can’t see anyone right now, I just want to say from one broken heart to another, I pray you will be inspired to seek Jesus with your whole heart. When you find Him, and I know you will, I pray that you never stop seeking.  I pray that you learn to make Him the center of your life every single day.  Make Him Lord of your life, over ALL of your life.  You will never, ever be the same.

God bless. ♥

I was a lost soul—a mentally abused woman who didn’t deserve better.

Debbie B. 7 Comments

That’s what the enemy had me convinced of—he’s a good liar. I was a lost soul and I believed his lies. I had become someone I swore for years that I would never become. I became weak, needy, and dependant. I thought I needed a man in my life bad enough, that I was willing to look past being treated so poorly. Now, he never raised a hand to me, but he sure knew how to mess with my mind. He had such control over me. I pretended it was okay to be treated that way, but deep inside I knew it wasn’t. I just wasn’t strong enough to break away.

I was getting older and the thought of being old and alone started to bother me, so I allowed myself to be in this unhealthy relationship. I had zero self-esteem. I put up with things I never should have, but the depression was getting worse and I didn’t think enough of myself to try to stop it. I thought I was too far gone for change. I didn’t care about myself at all, so I did the only thing I knew—I kept drinking more and more so that I could get through it. It’s how I learned to get through every area of my life.

Jesus was not in my heart at that time. I’m sure this never would have happened if He had been. But I just kept getting deeper and deeper into the enemy’s pit. The worst incident that happened took place about a year into the relationship. We were at a family party (his family). It was an extremely hot summer day, somewhere over 100 degrees. Normally I would have had tons of alcohol to drink, but I knew I couldn’t because of the heat. I had learned the hard way in the past that heat and alcohol just didn’t go well with me. It would make me very ill, so I never drank in extreme heat again. I drank water all day at this party. Since I was driving, he drank as much as he wanted. I don’t know how much he consumed, but everything was okay until there started to be some tension among some of the people. It’s always a bad idea to have alcohol around people who don’t get along. Toward the end of the party a fight broke out. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I honestly thought someone was going to get seriously injured or die that night. The police were called out and they calmed everybody down and asked us all questions. Nobody went to jail that night. I convinced the officers that I was okay to drive, so they had me take him home.

It was dark, it was getting late and I was driving in an unfamiliar area trying to get an angry intoxicated man home. He started saying cruel things to me. He said we were through and not to call him ever again. It didn’t even really register at first because I think I was still in shock and numb from what I had just witnessed. After he was done telling me we were over, he started saying some pretty hateful words. He was so angry toward the people he was fighting with. I won’t repeat his words, but I can tell you that they were evil and criminal. It was pretty scary thinking what if he had acted on what he was saying he wanted to do, but he didn’t. He was just beyond angry.

Now you’d think after all that, I would have had enough of the mental abuse. But no, that wasn’t the case. He called me the next day and did some sweet talking. What did I do?  Yep, I caved. I truly became the woman I said I would never become and I put up with it for another couple of years. This is very hard to admit.

But once again, I see now how God was there for me. He had started working behind the scenes in this relationship. It slowly became a long distance relationship because he got a job quite far from me. Long distance relationships rarely work for a long period of time.  I continued to endure mental abuse for a while—I think it was even worse long distance. But little by little, we really started to drift apart. I have no doubt in my heart that God made everything happen the way it did so I could finally break free. My miracles of sobriety and deliverance from depression all happened while we were apart. God was really reaching me while I was on my own again. He wouldn’t have been able to reach me otherwise…I can see that now.

The Lord gave me the strength and courage to break it off. It took a while to get him to hear that we were truly over. The Lord had completely changed my heart and I no longer had feelings for him. The Lord had opened my eyes so wide that I saw everything that he had done. I forgave him with God’s help.  I thought at first maybe we could be friends still, but the Lord made it clear to me that it was not to be. I needed a clear break with no looking back. I don’t hate him. I find myself feeling kind of sorry for him. I even pray for him.

The sad thing is that he seems to only remember the good times we had together. We did have some nice times, but not many. I think he knows how good I was to him. But for me, all I can really recall are all the times he made me cry. Every time he said something to bring me down was just another hole being ripped into my heart. I remember having a knot in my stomach for just about the entire relationship. I had that horrible feeling of turmoil for as long as I can remember. But as soon as it was over, the knot and turmoil went away. It would have never worked and I am thankful to God for helping me to see the light.

Now that I have given the Lord complete control over every area of my life, I will never worry about that happening again. I am free. I am strong once again. I have hope. I am grateful. I no longer think badly of myself. I believe I deserve to be treated well. Perhaps some day a strong man of God will cross my path—if it’s God’s will. It’s whatever He wants for my life. I will just continue to serve the Lord and see where He leads me.

I wish I would have heard the words “Jesus loves you” or “There’s hope in Jesus” or anything that would have motivated me to reach out to God more during those dark days. I don’t know what might have happened, but I’d like to think it would have helped me sooner. That’s why I’m sharing this, maybe someone in a similar circumstance will see it and realize that they do not deserve to be treated badly. I pray it will encourage someone to take action sooner than later to do what’s necessary to get out of an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship.

It brings me such comfort knowing that I belong to God and that He is all I really need—He is all any of us really need. He will never bring us harm and nobody can ever love us like He does. ♥

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This is for those who are where I used to be—completely lost and making choices that can cost lives, including your own—Do you need a miracle?

Debbie B. 5 Comments

God is the God of miracles!  The Lord has been stirring my heart to share some more about my past. I didn’t think that I could muster up the courage to follow through with this because it is about something I am deeply ashamed of.  However, because I believe it is what the Lord wants from me, I am doing it with the hope that He will use me again to reach a heart or two…to give some hope that change is possible, but only with His power.

I want you to understand that I know how tired you are.  I know how hopeless you feel.  I know you think it is impossible to get out of the deep pit that you are in.  I know all of this because that is where I was just two and a half years ago.  I lived like that for about two decades. You must stop believing the lies of the enemy.  There IS hope in Jesus.  There is no pit too deep for Him to pull you out of.   My transformed life is proof of that!  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for all who cry out to God for help.  Cry out to Him and have faith that help is on the way.

I happened to read something today that brought me back to some of the darkest days of my past.  It was a Facebook post about a vehicle accident where it turns out that there was a drunk driver involved.  Praise God that everyone was okay.  It seems the worst injury was whiplash.  I am so ashamed to admit that I used to get behind the wheel quite intoxicated. Some times were much worse than others.  I made those stupid and careless decisions for about 20 years of my adult life.

I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t even think about others.  All I knew was that I didn’t care about myself.  I thought I’d be better off dead so I didn’t care if I ever died in a car crash.  I never thought about any other consequences, I was too numb.  That’s what happens to those of us who are that lost and are already dead inside.  I am so sorry that I never once thought about others.  That is not the kind of heart that I really have.  But I was in chains controlled by the enemy.   I remember the darkness like it was yesterday.  The enemy is powerful.   I didn’t have a chance to break free because I wasn’t ready to fully surrender my life to the Lord.  If I could go back, I sure would have done it so much sooner.   But then, I guess the Lord wouldn’t be able to use me the way He does today, so it has all happened in my life as He planned.  I always have a hard time wrapping my mind around that so I don’t try to so much anymore.

January 2010, was the second to the last time that I made the choice to drive home drunk.  The memory is haunting.  I remember it was sometime after midnight. As I was sitting at a red light near home, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw my dead eyes looking back at me.  Suddenly I felt very fearful.  I remember feeling so disgusted with myself.  I could not even remember getting on or off the freeway.  I was horrified at what I had done. It’s amazing that I had never felt that way all the other times.  It was always a thought of pure luck to me. I was a gambler. As I got older, I remember getting a little more concerned about my choices, I did it less and less, but it was never enough to make me stop completely.  I always took each time I made it home without incident for granted.  I am so not proud of those days.

A year before that is when I remember the depression and drinking had become so bad that I sobbed uncontrollably one night and dropped to my knees asking God why my life was the way it was.  I didn’t know it then, but I realize that is when God started to work behind the scenes.  It took another year and a few months for Him to really reach me completely, but I am amazed to know that He started a lot sooner.  I have told my story in another post of how God rescued me while I laid in a hospital room crying out to Him…the rest is history.

I will never know how I managed to escape getting arrested for driving under the influence, and it is a true miracle that I didn’t hurt or kill anybody.  God’s grace always kept me and others safe, but I had a feeling that would be changing soon if I didn’t do something about it.  I felt my time was running out soon and that something horrible was going to happen in the near future.  I certainly didn’t deserve God’s grace, I didn’t even have God in my heart all of those painful years.  But that’s our wonderful and merciful Savior for you.  I am forgiven. Jesus has completely set me free.  I have received His free gift of grace.  I have received His forgiveness.  He has helped me to forgive others and to forgive myself and I have turned away from sin.

My life is truly a miracle.  In just about five more months, I will be celebrating three years of sobriety.  I share all of this not to say what a great person I am, but to say how great the Lord God Almighty is.  I wish so much that everybody would experience the miracles I have.  I stopped drinking without a 12-Step program or any other kind of help.  My story is 100% miracle of God’s power.  But if things don’t happen for you exactly how they happened for me, do not be discouraged.  It just means that God has different plans for you that are going to be just as great.  He helps different people in different ways.  God has all the resources in the world to help us.  He will guide you to the right ones for your life if you surrender to Him and give Him control.  You must trust Him. It doesn’t matter how we stop turning to vices to ease our pain.  It doesn’t matter what kind of addictions we have.  It doesn’t matter how deep in the pit we are.  But it does matter that we stop running from Jesus and start running to Him and only Him.  There is nothing too tough for Jesus to handle.  Remember what He said in Mark 9:23…“Everything is possible for one who believes.”  I believe!!  I pray you will believe too and receive your miracle.  It will happen in His perfect timing.

I may be repeating things from previous posts, but I do because they are important enough to keep repeating.  Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lift you up. I have met so many wonderful people through church and they love me and don’t judge me. I have a wonderful pastor.  They all help keep me accountable. I encourage you to build a team of godly friends that will support you.  I know it may be difficult for some.  That was me…but if I can do it, so can you.  We can’t expect to stay on track alone.

There is light at the end of the dark tunnel, friends.  Never give up hope. That’s what the enemy wants. God loves you so much.  When you receive your miracle, I pray you will share what God has done and that you will be willing to be used by Him to help others.

Bless you, I am praying for you. ♥

Trading Beer Bottles for Bibles: Discovering a New Kind of Thirst ♥

Debbie B. 4 Comments

Just had to share that this is my third summer of being sober…wow…Praise God!  I am definitely stronger now, but I still want to be careful not to mess up.  I guess the summer brings back a lot of memories of my struggle.  This used to be the time of year when I would drink the most (at least until the depression became severe, then it was whenever). In addition to stress triggers, I’d have other triggers such as warm weather which would make me crave ice cold beer.  Of course it would be pointless to just have one or two.  When I drank, it was to get high (and eventually to ease the pain).  One or two wasn’t nearly enough for that. Watching sports on TV with the old boyfriend would be another trigger.  Sunday’s weren’t spent in church, they were spent on the couch watching football and drinking through the last evening game.  No wonder why I used to hate Monday’s so much.  It’s truly amazing that I would make it to work the next day.  I thank God for taking it all away…the cravings, the depression, and yes, the old boyfriend (unhealthy/ungodly relationship).  If I was going to have a new beginning with God, it just needed to be me and God.  No distractions.  I knew in my heart that it was going to be the only way that I would be able to truly change.  I was right.  The Lord has done incredible things since I gave my life to Him. I am so in awe of all He has done.

When the Lord first sobered me up, I remember so clearly those first few months of sobriety. I was wondering if I would be able to continue on the right path. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep it up. I wasn’t in any kind of recovery program, and even worse, I wasn’t yet connected to the Lord like I am today.  He was just starting to break through in my life and I didn’t yet have an understanding of His amazing power.  What God has done in my life are true miracles. He has helped me with breakthrough after breakthrough.  To think it all started with a rock bottom cry out to Him for help.  

I must say that I am so proud of my progress thus far. I have worked so hard at putting into practice, wonderful godly principles that I have learned from great Christian ministers and authors over the last couple of years. I have learned from the best through books and through audios with amazing messages.  I’ve taken classes in ministry school and classes through church.  Basically, I was taking advantage of every opportunity to learn and I would just soak it all up.  It’s something I continue to do today.  I love that I have become a life-long learner.  I think this only worked as well as it did because I reached a point where I was finally ready to change.  I was so tired of just barely surviving life.  I was done with coming up with excuses for why I couldn’t change. I really felt I was dying a slow and painful death and I needed to do something very soon before it was too late. 

I’m so thankful for the teachable spirit that the Lord has given me.  Putting godly principles into practice is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week effort.  Just like seeking God is.  It’s all more than worth the effort. I gave up going out with friends that like to drink and I cut way back on watching television.  I don’t even watch many sports anymore.  I lost the desire to.  I think God took that away because there are some triggers that will always be there.  I pay attention to the scores now and then, but that’s about it.  I know I am safe as long as I am with people who don’t drink.  The majority of people I spend my time with now are those who also love and seek the Lord as much as I do.  That’s where I feel the most comfortable.  I am so grateful for them. They keep me grounded and they keep me out of trouble. That’s what I crave now—the company of godly friends. God has given me a wonderful church family. 

It certainly is paying off after almost two and a half years because I can say that I am no longer in survival mode. I’m living the best life possible and the Lord is leading each step I take.  My life is all about God and it is such a wonderful way to finally be living.  It is true living.  I’ve said in earlier posts that this journey is not an easy life.  This takes a lot of commitment and hard work, but it is a truly blessed life. The indescribable joy and peace that only God can fill my heart with, is beyond amazing.  I can’t imagine living without Him ever again…EVER.  I am so grateful for learning how to stay connected to God all day, every day.  I love my life.  Every time I say that, my heart just melts because not too long ago I was just about done with this life.  Thank God for second chances!  Thank God for His power to change!

I am thrilled that I have traded my beer bottles for Bibles.  In the last couple of years, I’ve collected different types of Study Bibles and other materials so I can dig deeper into God’s Word.  I am learning so much and I just can’t get enough of Him. The Lord has removed my old unhealthy desires and has replaced them with godly ones—He saved my life, and the least I can do is live it for Him. 

It is my hope that this will encourage anyone who is tired of the way they’re living to put down any vices and seek Jesus above all else—no matter what the cost.  I have done this and trust me, it is worth it.  Don’t try to work God into your life, you’ll keep coming up with excuses as to why you don’t have time for Him.  Instead, work your life around Him.  Keep Him in the center always.  If you do this, just watch what He does in your life—get ready for an incredible journey!

Bless you! Let’s stay thirsty for Jesus!!! ♥