Tough subject to write about, but I need to share what I have been walking around with lately. I haven’t written anything for well over a month now. I honestly started to think my blogging days were over (although I’m not much of a blogger with only 48 posts in 15 months). I felt like I had completely lost the passion for sharing my heart so openly. I guess that really isn’t the case. I just needed less time on the laptop and extra time with my Lord so I could keep my focus completely on Him while He brings me through some difficult challenges—amazing challenges that He’s using to prepare me to lead a recovery ministry at my church. That’s another miracle of His in the making somewhere down the road. I figured that if God wanted me to share something worth sharing, He’d put the desire back on my heart and give me the words. Well, it seems that’s exactly what He’s doing right now, so here we go…here is post #49 for Matters of the Heart (A Reason to Live).

It’s good for me to share that I’ve been struggling…a lot…this past month or so. I believe there’s gotta be people out there feeling the same. We need to pray for each other. As I continue to grow leaps and bounds in the Lord, my spiritual journey with Him is getting more and more challenging. I became overwhelmed to the point to where I have been battling some thoughts that have surprised me, especially after all the amazing things and miracles that the Lord has been doing in my life over the last few years. I was feeling like I was battling a bit of depression once again. Thoughts of not wanting to go forward any longer on this journey because it just gets too hard at times, made me think that I was feeling suicidal again. I didn’t want to just throw in the towel and tell God to find someone else while I start doing my own thing. I believe that quitting my walk with the Lord means quitting life altogether. That’s because I remember so well what it was like living in darkness, in the devil’s chains all of those years of drinking trying to kill the pain. That was a slow and painful death. If I don’t keep walking with the Lord, to me, that surely means death is the only other choice. This life is hard, but how can I choose death over life with Jesus?? I can’t. I was there and I can’t go back to it. I am choosing life, trusting the Lord one step at a time—that’s about all I can handle and He knows it and His power in me blows me away.

So am I really battling suicidal thoughts? Maybe not. My so-called suicidal thoughts are nothing like what they used to be back in the days that I had suffered from severe depression trying to drink the pain away. I didn’t know Jesus at that time. There was no hope for me back then. Today, I DO have hope in Jesus. Yet, these thoughts and emotions over the last few weeks had me thinking very unhealthy thoughts and I couldn’t stop thinking of Pastor Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide just a few months ago. This young man was blessed with good godly parents and he couldn’t hang on. He knew the Lord, why did he do it? I’ll never understand. That really tore me up when I heard the sad news. My heart felt so broken. I cried as if I had lost a close friend or family member. He was in the family of God, so I suppose I really did. My heart breaks for people that can’t hold on. I’ll never understand how I survived all of those dark years without the Lord. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand. I wish I could have met Matthew Warren before he died. I would have really liked to try to understand what he was going through in his heart and mind. When I was struggling recently, I was thinking about how nice it would be to never cry again, to never get my heart broken again, to never see people I care deeply for, suffer. It’s been so hard for me today seeing someone I love, who has had such an important part in my spiritual journey of sobriety, battle a serious illness.

Leaving earth and going to heaven sounds so good, I was wondering if it would be so bad if that happened for me sooner than later? I was starting to think strongly that because I’m not married and don’t have children, that there’s really nothing here for me anyway. Everyone else has their lives to live and their own families, nobody would notice that I’m gone. You know what? The devil has been working overtime trying to get me to believe those lies. He’d really like to see  me leave so God wouldn’t be able to use my heart to reach others for Him the way He has been. The devil doesn’t want God to save more lives. I guess this is the only time where my stubbornness pays off because I can’t let the devil win. Through my time with the Lord and praying about all of this, I’m discovering that I am not really battling suicidal thoughts. It turns out that I’m just longing to be with my Lord Jesus in Heaven. He’s shown me that I’m not really suicidal, I’m  just extremely Homesick and He wants me to keep trusting Him and keep holding on! So, I will!

I love what the Apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, it’s so how I feel in my heart: “…I desire to depart and be with Christ which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil. 1:23,24)

I am not trying to compare myself to Paul. I  am not great like he was. But I have been given a mission in life and that’s to do all I can to keep growing strong in the Lord, to become a leader in His recovery ministry, and to keep sharing from the heart—a wonderful gift the Lord has given me (so I’m told) so that He can reach hearts through mine. Bottom line is I need to keep living my life for the Lord. Like Paul said, “For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.” (Phil. 1:21) When the Lord is finished with me on this earth, I will finally get to go Home and be with Him and with those who have gone before me. I will get my great reward. The Lord sure does make this life with Him worth holding on for.

Thank you for listening to my heart, it’s never easy for me. But when you listen to me, I believe you’re really listening to the Lord. God bless you all. And for those who think there’s nothing to live for, I want you to know it’s not true—don’t let the devil win. He is such a liar. There is always a reason to live…live for Jesus. He died a horrific death so that you may have life and have it abundantly. He can save others through you too and that is an awesome reason to live! I hope you’ll follow me in following Him, and CHOOSE LIFE! I promise you, you will not regret it. Jesus will make sure of that. ♥