Every now and then I like to look into the past. Not to dwell in it, but to remember where I was before the Lord reached down and saved my life. I keep facing forward, but I never want to forget the miracles He has done. As I was spending some quiet time in His presence this evening, I was thinking about an old journal. I didn’t keep it up very well, but I came across an old entry that I found pretty amazing. Actually, it is amazingly sad. If I didn’t now better, I’d say that I didn’t write it. But the truth is, I did. It’s pretty dark, but I’d like to share it to give an idea of how lost I was:
December 20, 2008
My thoughts on this day:
Why does God allow me to live a worthless life while others die too soon—others that actually had a true purpose in life? At least it appeared that they were good people.
I have nothing to offer, why am I so different? I am nothing—a wasted life.As you can see, I ripped out all the prior pages of this journal. Last entry was September 9, 2004. I was kidding myself trying to find my purpose.
I’m no good, I’m terrible at everything. I don’t belong here.
Wow, who was that? So hard to believe I wrote that. Thank You Lord, for bringing me from death to life!! I lived a godless life for decades, but when I look back at the different stages now, I see that God was there the entire time. I just didn’t know it at the time. He allows me to see things so differently now since I surrendered to His will. I am grateful to the Lord for helping me discover His purpose for my life. What an incredible journey indeed.
Keeping Hope Alive † 
I was recently at a funeral for a 57 yr. old man who committed suicide; he was a member of my church and I know his wife. Our pastor based his sermon on the 139th Psalm. He didn’t couch the message, saying that suicide is always the wrong choice, but reminded us that God is, indeed, with us in the dark places. His final thought was, “What if Judas would have waited two more days before he hung himself?” . Debbie, you testify to the amazing grace of God’s ability to use every morsel of our pain if we offer it to him.
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Fran, thank you so much for sharing this and for your kind words. Every single time I hear of an attempted or successful suicide (which has been so much lately), my heart breaks. I cry for the person and their loved ones since I know that pain and darkness all too well.
I pray the Lord uses my sharing so openly to show someone that there is hope. There is Light at the end of the extremely dark tunnel. The Light’s name is Jesus Christ and we need to grab onto His outstretched hand and never let go!
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