Every now and then I like to look into the past. Not to dwell in it, but to remember where I was before the Lord reached down and saved my life. I keep facing forward, but I never want to forget the miracles He has done. As I was spending some quiet time in His presence this evening, I was thinking about an old journal. I didn’t keep it up very well, but I came across an old entry that I found pretty amazing. Actually, it is amazingly sad. If I didn’t now better, I’d say that I didn’t write it. But the truth is, I did. It’s pretty dark, but I’d like to share it to give an idea of how lost I was:
December 20, 2008
My thoughts on this day:
Why does God allow me to live a worthless life while others die too soon—others that actually had a true purpose in life? At least it appeared that they were good people.
I have nothing to offer, why am I so different? I am nothing—a wasted life.
As you can see, I ripped out all the prior pages of this journal. Last entry was September 9, 2004. I was kidding myself trying to find my purpose.
I’m no good, I’m terrible at everything. I don’t belong here.
Wow, who was that? So hard to believe I wrote that. Thank You Lord, for bringing me from death to life!! I lived a godless life for decades, but when I look back at the different stages now, I see that God was there the entire time. I just didn’t know it at the time. He allows me to see things so differently now since I surrendered to His will. I am grateful to the Lord for helping me discover His purpose for my life. What an incredible journey indeed.