Category Thoughts of Suicide

Am I really battling suicidal thoughts again? How can that be after all God has done for me?

Debbie B. 12 Comments

Tough subject to write about, but I need to share what I have been walking around with lately. I haven’t written anything for well over a month now. I honestly started to think my blogging days were over (although I’m not much of a blogger with only 48 posts in 15 months). I felt like I had completely lost the passion for sharing my heart so openly. I guess that really isn’t the case. I just needed less time on the laptop and extra time with my Lord so I could keep my focus completely on Him while He brings me through some difficult challenges—amazing challenges that He’s using to prepare me to lead a recovery ministry at my church. That’s another miracle of His in the making somewhere down the road. I figured that if God wanted me to share something worth sharing, He’d put the desire back on my heart and give me the words. Well, it seems that’s exactly what He’s doing right now, so here we go…here is post #49 for Matters of the Heart (A Reason to Live).

It’s good for me to share that I’ve been struggling…a lot…this past month or so. I believe there’s gotta be people out there feeling the same. We need to pray for each other. As I continue to grow leaps and bounds in the Lord, my spiritual journey with Him is getting more and more challenging. I became overwhelmed to the point to where I have been battling some thoughts that have surprised me, especially after all the amazing things and miracles that the Lord has been doing in my life over the last few years. I was feeling like I was battling a bit of depression once again. Thoughts of not wanting to go forward any longer on this journey because it just gets too hard at times, made me think that I was feeling suicidal again. I didn’t want to just throw in the towel and tell God to find someone else while I start doing my own thing. I believe that quitting my walk with the Lord means quitting life altogether. That’s because I remember so well what it was like living in darkness, in the devil’s chains all of those years of drinking trying to kill the pain. That was a slow and painful death. If I don’t keep walking with the Lord, to me, that surely means death is the only other choice. This life is hard, but how can I choose death over life with Jesus?? I can’t. I was there and I can’t go back to it. I am choosing life, trusting the Lord one step at a time—that’s about all I can handle and He knows it and His power in me blows me away.

So am I really battling suicidal thoughts? Maybe not. My so-called suicidal thoughts are nothing like what they used to be back in the days that I had suffered from severe depression trying to drink the pain away. I didn’t know Jesus at that time. There was no hope for me back then. Today, I DO have hope in Jesus. Yet, these thoughts and emotions over the last few weeks had me thinking very unhealthy thoughts and I couldn’t stop thinking of Pastor Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide just a few months ago. This young man was blessed with good godly parents and he couldn’t hang on. He knew the Lord, why did he do it? I’ll never understand. That really tore me up when I heard the sad news. My heart felt so broken. I cried as if I had lost a close friend or family member. He was in the family of God, so I suppose I really did. My heart breaks for people that can’t hold on. I’ll never understand how I survived all of those dark years without the Lord. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand. I wish I could have met Matthew Warren before he died. I would have really liked to try to understand what he was going through in his heart and mind. When I was struggling recently, I was thinking about how nice it would be to never cry again, to never get my heart broken again, to never see people I care deeply for, suffer. It’s been so hard for me today seeing someone I love, who has had such an important part in my spiritual journey of sobriety, battle a serious illness.

Leaving earth and going to heaven sounds so good, I was wondering if it would be so bad if that happened for me sooner than later? I was starting to think strongly that because I’m not married and don’t have children, that there’s really nothing here for me anyway. Everyone else has their lives to live and their own families, nobody would notice that I’m gone. You know what? The devil has been working overtime trying to get me to believe those lies. He’d really like to see  me leave so God wouldn’t be able to use my heart to reach others for Him the way He has been. The devil doesn’t want God to save more lives. I guess this is the only time where my stubbornness pays off because I can’t let the devil win. Through my time with the Lord and praying about all of this, I’m discovering that I am not really battling suicidal thoughts. It turns out that I’m just longing to be with my Lord Jesus in Heaven. He’s shown me that I’m not really suicidal, I’m  just extremely Homesick and He wants me to keep trusting Him and keep holding on! So, I will!

I love what the Apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, it’s so how I feel in my heart: “…I desire to depart and be with Christ which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil. 1:23,24)

I am not trying to compare myself to Paul. I  am not great like he was. But I have been given a mission in life and that’s to do all I can to keep growing strong in the Lord, to become a leader in His recovery ministry, and to keep sharing from the heart—a wonderful gift the Lord has given me (so I’m told) so that He can reach hearts through mine. Bottom line is I need to keep living my life for the Lord. Like Paul said, “For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.” (Phil. 1:21) When the Lord is finished with me on this earth, I will finally get to go Home and be with Him and with those who have gone before me. I will get my great reward. The Lord sure does make this life with Him worth holding on for.

Thank you for listening to my heart, it’s never easy for me. But when you listen to me, I believe you’re really listening to the Lord. God bless you all. And for those who think there’s nothing to live for, I want you to know it’s not true—don’t let the devil win. He is such a liar. There is always a reason to live…live for Jesus. He died a horrific death so that you may have life and have it abundantly. He can save others through you too and that is an awesome reason to live! I hope you’ll follow me in following Him, and CHOOSE LIFE! I promise you, you will not regret it. Jesus will make sure of that. ♥

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Praise God for Rock Bottom!!

Debbie B. Leave a comment

So who in the world can be so joyful about hitting rock bottom? Me. That’s who. And perhaps people like me, who have overcome (with the help of Jesus Christ) depression, suicidal thoughts, and addiction. Nobody wants to hit rock bottom. Most work hard to try to avoid it. The problem is that most try under their own power and strength. It’s a losing battle. I know. I spent decades fighting that battle all by myself. I didn’t want anybody’s help. Especially a God I didn’t know. Satan loves it when we insist on fighting the battle on our own. He knows we grow weary and give up. Some of us choose suicide. Some of us choose the bottle or some other sort of chemical addiction.

Satan loves to use these destructive things in our lives to give us temporary peace. It’s the only way he can keep us captive. He loosens the chains just enough to allow us to think we’ve got everything under control, and when we are getting a little too comfortable, he yanks us down into the pit deeper and deeper.

Well, I never thought I’d be able to say that I am thankful that I was hitting rock bottom in 2010. Had I not hit rock bottom, I would have never discovered the power of THE Rock at the bottom. Yes, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My chains are gone. Thank You, Jesus! I love Luke 4:18-19 where Jesus read from the scroll of the prophet Isaiah: “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Is anybody out there ready to let Jesus set you free? What are you waiting for??!! I am grateful that I finally chose to let the light of Jesus shine in my darkest places! I have never been so alive.

Lord God Almighty, I pray for others out there who are trying to avoid rock bottom. I pray something significant happens so that they’ll stop battling. I pray they reach You like I did because it seems to be the only way we finally see that we need to surrender ALL to You so You can set the captive free. Thank You that You are there waiting for them to come to You at this very moment. Thank You that You meet us right where we are. Lord, when they come to You, I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that You will begin an amazing work in them and their life will be changed forever. Show us Your glory Lord, we want to see Your glory. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen. ♥

“The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)

The Light Shines in the Darkness

I have chosen to never walk in darkness again and I am GRATEFUL!

“I’m sorry I didn’t die…”

Debbie B. 2 Comments

For a long time, those are words that I have wanted to say when people are mourning the death of a loved one who chose to take their own life. Even though I have nothing to be guilty about, I fight thoughts of guilt that I am still alive and someone else is gone. I would sometimes feel like I need to apologize that I am still alive. It is a difficult situation for me. I am so grateful that I chose to reach out for God instead of dying. It it is a challenge for me to share about it in sensitive situations like successful suicides. I am no one special. I’m just me. Someone who was as desperate as anybody to make the pain in my heart go away. I wanted nothing more than to die to end it because nothing else was stopping the pain. The alcohol was making things much worse, but I kept drinking. Tempory relief was better than none at all. I thought maybe I could drink myself to death, I was hoping to. Thought it would be an easy way to do it, but I was so wrong. Well, I didn’t die. I am alive. I chose to live. I chose to let the Lord help me live. I chose to walk in His light so that I would never walk in darkness again. His Word tells us we’ll never walk in darkness again. I am finally able to stop apologizing for making this wonderful choice to live.

So how do I share how God reached down for me at the same time I was reaching up for Him and that He saved me when their loved one is gone? Why didn’t God keep them alive too? I understand now that we can’t begin to know why, so I stopped trying to understand. I don’t think anyone wants to truly die that way and I am so sad for those who weren’t able to see the light. I am so sad that they chose to end their suffering in death instead of allowing God to come in and give them abundant life. I am not saying it is an easy thing to do. It takes complete surrender. It takes a lot of effort to completely surrender control to God, but anybody can do it if they really want to. We all have choices. I was so tired of living in the darkness of severe depression. So as I was reaching the end of my rope, I made the choice to reach for God and asked Him (more like begged) to do something because I didn’t know how much longer I could bear the pain. It is not like He waved a magic wand and the depression and alcoholism were immediately cured while I did nothing. I had to get up and move. It has taken a lot of difficult and sometimes painful effort and complete trust in the Lord to do His part.  But He has done miracle after miracle in my life since I made that choice. Like I said, we all have choices and I chose to live and I am forever grateful for the amazing things of God in my life.

Whenever I hear of another suicide, it literally brings me to tears. My pastor pointed out that my heart is especially tender due to my own broken heart. I know she’s right. I know so well the depression and despair—the desperate need for the pain to go away. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness because nobody can possibly understand what it’s like. I understand the thoughts of suicide. I was tormented by them for years. I believed at the time that suicide was going to be the only way to make the pain stop. I remember those dark days so clearly. When someone dies by their own hand today, my heart breaks and I weep as if I have lost someone close to me. But I have learned that ALL who believe in Jesus–who have given their heart to Him go to heaven when they die. That brings me as much peace as it does their loved ones. But that shouldn’t give anyone a reason to end their life. I long to be with the Lord myself, but when I see Him face to face, it will be in His timing, not mine. I am SO grateful to have been rescued from all of that suffering, and I now live the life that the Lord intended for me. Today, I know the Lord and I am grateful that I didn’t miss out on getting to know Him. Every day I learn something new about Him. Every day, I want to get to know Him more and more. He is the only reason I am alive, He is the only reason I want to live. My life is an amazing example that suicide is NOT the only way out of the deep dark pit of depression.

For all who are stuck in this dark place thinking there’s no way out, I pray with all my heart that this will give you hope that there IS a way out without having to end it in suicide. Jesus is the ONLY way. The devil wants to take down as many as he can while he still has time. Please don’t let him win. If you are ready to live, I mean really live for the first time, choose life with the Lord today. You will never regret it. I can certainly testify to that.

Thank You Jesus, for this wonderful gift of abundant life. May my life continue to be an example of Your wonderful gift of Grace. Your Grace is more than enough for me. ♥

Good Friday and Easter Sunday–Doesn’t mean anything to an empty heart.

Debbie B. 6 Comments

Sad but true. At least that was my story. It was really difficult to take part in something that I never heard much about or understood when I was young. When I became a young adult, my heart was dead and empty inside and I spent decades living with that heart. I chose a life of destruction that was killing me slowly. I am grateful to say this is no longer true, the Lord has changed everything about me. But there are so many others who still don’t know about Jesus and what He did because they have never heard. My heart breaks because I know it breaks the Lord’s heart too. We modern day disciples of Christ have much work to do!

As I was preparing my lesson to share with my sisters for this coming Tuesday night’s Bible study, I felt very overwhelmed by the Lord on this Good Friday and the thought that Sunday is coming! I feel the Lord wanting me to share that as a young girl, I didn’t know much about Jesus and never once heard (until much later as an adult) that I needed to ask Him to come into my heart. I had heard a little about sin, but I never knew how bad it really was and how it separates us from God. Separation from Him was all I knew. However, at that time because I hadn’t learned much about the Lord, I didn’t even know I was separated from Him. Never heard that it was important to have a relationship with Him. Never heard how one even goes about doing that. As you can see, I didn’t know much of anything. All I knew was how to try to survive a difficult life and I wasn’t very good at it because I was barely surviving it.

I am embarrassed to admit that for many years I didn’t know the true meaning of Good Friday and Easter Sunday. I was in my late twenties when I finally realized what Jesus had done for me. But because I didn’t know Him yet, I still didn’t get it. I felt nothing. My heart was broken and empty from the life I had chosen to live. My eyes, ears, and heart were completely closed.

It took another 14-15 years for me to be walking in the darkness until like Saul, I was knocked down by Jesus. I find the comparison interesting…Saul was knocked off his feet on the road to Damascus. I was knocked off my feet (landed in a hospital) on the road to a slow and painful death (I was drinking myself to death). Saul was blinded for a few days by the Lord’s incredible Light. I was given the eyes to see, the ears to hear, and the heart to want to become a disciple of Christ to serve Him and to suffer for Him until that great day when I get to see Him face to face. It’s interesting to think about now, how my conversion is a powerful one like Saul’s. Of course Saul’s story is an extremely powerful one and I’m not claiming that mine is anything like his, but in today’s world, I think what I have shared about what God has done in my life in previous posts is pretty powerful. I’m so in awe of the story of how Saul was completely transformed by the Lord and became one of the greatest Apostles. If anyone reading this is not familiar with Saul’s story, you can find it in the book of Acts Chapter 9 in the New Testament. If you’re new to the Bible, I want to encourage you to start with the gospel of John to learn more about Jesus first. After that, the entire book of Acts is pretty awesome too. Okay, enough of that for now.

As I was doing some online research, I stumbled upon a note from a pastor’s sermon. I am sorry that I don’t remember his name, but I think what he wrote is worth sharing and perfect timing (it seems he possibly used it from an author by the name of Paul Hovey):

“The simplest meaning of Easter is that we are living in a world in which God has the last word. On Friday night it appeared as if evil were the master of life. The holiest and most lovable One who had ever lived was dead and in His tomb, crucified by the order of a tyrant without either scruples or regrets. He who had raised the highest hopes among men had died by the most shameful means. A cross, three nails, a jeering mob of debauched souls, and a quick thrust of a spear had ended it all.

Those hours when His voice was stilled and His hands were quiet were the blackest through which the human race has ever lived. If Caesar could put an end to Jesus, then no man could ever dare aspire or hope again. Hope, in such a world, could be nothing better than a mockery.

Then came Easter morning and the glorious word: ‘He is risen!’ And evil’s triumph was at an end. Since that hour when Mary in the garden first discovered the staggering fact of victory, no man whose heart was pure and whose labors were honest has ever had a reason to fear or despair if he believed in the Resurrection.”   

In John 11:25-27 we read that Jesus said to Martha, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even though they die, and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” We read that Martha responded with “Yes, Lord. I believe…”

I am so grateful that I have answered the Lord with “Yes, Lord, I believe!” It took many years for it to happen, but I will never regret the decision. The Lord Jesus paid my ransom on that Good Friday. He laid down His life for me so that I can live forever with Him…I believe Jesus is the Resurrection AND the Life and I am eternally grateful! ♥

One more quote to share that just came to mind from Beth Moore: “God’s specialty is raising dead things to life and making impossible things possible.” I love these words, they are so true for my own life and many others around me.

Oh Lord Jesus, I pray that many more will hear and come to understand what You did for them AND believe…

If my plans for suicide were successful, I would have missed out on the most amazing love of my life…

Debbie B. 5 Comments

I have said this before and I will keep saying it…there is nothing greater than the love of the Lord God Almighty. It’s a love I have never known before. People can search in others and in things of the earth all they want, and they will never be able to find it because only God can give it. I pray more people will finally catch on to that truth so they can start to really discover His love like I have. It’s a wonderful discovery!

To think of all the years I had missed out on knowing God’s love, I am so grateful that those days are over. As another year comes to an end, I am looking back in such awe of what God has done in this past year alone. It has been a year filled with growing pains, but also a year filled with the most incredible blessings that I didn’t know could be possible. I believe I was tested like never before and I also believe I passed the test with flying colors. This testing has made my relationship and connection with the Lord, as well as my faith, stronger than ever. The blessings always outweigh the tough times. My hope and dreams for the future continue to build. God has given me the dreams and I know that none of them will be possible without Him. What an amazing thing that is to realize. I know that I am nothing without Him in my life. I am nothing without His power working in and through me. It is so awesome to actually be a witness of what all He can do with a willing heart. A willing heart…that’s all we need! I have learned to trust Him with everything on this journey and He is making everything fall into place. I am truly looking forward to whatever He has for me in the near future and in the coming years. I know this New Year is going to be another tough one, probably more so than this last one, but I am ready for it. The Lord has been preparing me for it over the last few years. Boy, has He been preparing me for it!  I truly love my life. I love it because it is SO not about me. I learned that the hard way, but it has been one of the greatest lessons of my life.

Imagine that just a few years ago, the pain I lived with for so many years from walking around with an empty and broken heart almost killed me. I almost completely gave up on life. This precious life that is such a wonderful gift from God that should never be taken for granted. But I was hurting more than anyone who has never been there can ever imagine. When we hurt that badly and we do not know the Lord’s love, there’s really only one way we can think of stopping the pain. Some of us weren’t able to hang in there and that breaks my heart for them and for their loved ones. Only God knows why I am still here. I have learned to accept that it’s not for me to know. That helps me to move forward.

I always think that if I would have just had one person share about Jesus and His love with me back then, maybe I would not have become so severly depressed. Maybe I would not have turned to alcohol to numb the pain. (That is why I am writing this. I want to share His love with others, I want to share what I went through and where I am today. Maybe someone will find hope.) I was just remembering that I started mixing dangerous medication with it because I was hoping that I would just die in my sleep one night. I thought that would be the most peaceful way to go. I am so very thankful that my plan to die didn’t work. Even though this journey with God is tough and there’s still pain that comes with it, it’s a different kind of pain when you’re always walking in the Light of Jesus. It’s a pain worth enduring because everything I do is all for His glory. And for me to say today that I love my life, considering where I was not too long ago, well that’s just another amazing miracle that I am eternally grateful for.

There are so many broken hearts around me. I can’t possibly know who you all are, but I can feel your pain. I’ve been trying to write a new blog post for about a month, but was having a hard time with it. Now I know why. God wanted me to write these words that you’re reading now instead. I’m glad that I’m learning to listen to Him, even though it might take some time for me to catch on. I am thankful for the gift that the Lord has given me to be able to share my heart the way I do. Writing this today has made me cry. I have tears from remembering the pain I lived with for so long and for knowing that pain that people are going through right now. But thankfully the tears turned into tears of Joy from the Lord because I know how great He is and I am so grateful for what He has done with my broken heart. I am grateful for my sobriety.

God is pouring His love through me to reach broken hearts. I know your pain and I know you want it to stop. I pray you will turn your eyes upon Jesus. He is just a whisper…a prayer away. I admit that there are times that I struggle to feel His presence. When that happens I start talking to Him whenever and wherever I am. I’ll just say something simple like “Jesus, make me aware of you” or “Jesus, I need you…” and I start to feel His love, presence and amazing peace inside of me. He helps me through every single day because I open my heart to Him and ask Him to guide me through it. He will do the same for anybody who asks.

The Lord heals the broken hearted. He brings full restoration. I am only one example of many. I pray that you will reach up to Him today. I know He’s waiting for you. He will save you. I am so glad I didn’t give up and that I didn’t let the enemy win. The enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy. Don’t let him. In Luke 19:10 Jesus said “For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.” Thank You, Jesus.

I’m still a young Christian. I have learned many things in a short period of time, but I know I will be learning until my last breath on this earth. I have much to learn. What I do know for sure though, is that Jesus loves us so much that He laid down His life for me and for you and there is no greater love than that, dear friends. Will you accept His love and forgiveness and start living your life for Him and Him alone, today? I pray you will. If you do, you are in for a challenging, but exciting and rewarding journey as you travel with Him on this incredible highway to Heaven.  May God bless you richly. ♥