Category Hope

This Sober Life I Live: My ongoing struggle that is hard to talk about

Debbie B. Leave a comment
Jesus is the Light of the world. The Light of MY world! ♥

“For God, who said, ‘Let there be light in the darkness,’ has made us understand that it is the brightness of his glory that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.” ~2 Corinthians 4:6 (TLB)

Would you believe that the struggle of this sober life I live has nothing to do with being tempted to take a drink? Well, it is the truth. I am grateful to God that I am living a sober life today. I am grateful that God rescued me before I was able to find the fatal combination of pills and alcohol. It has been an amazing six years and almost three months of walking this miracle journey with God to heaven, free from alcohol abuse – free from any abuse (God also rescued me from an extremely mentally abusive relationship)! I have been 100% sober – to me this means that I never traded one vice for another like I see so many struggle with. God became my one and only “go to” for every need. I am certain that having God first place in my life and learning to seek Him and serve Him wholeheartedly is how I have managed to press on without any relapses. After seeing so many people have relapse after relapse, I cannot help but be in awe of this ongoing miracle I am living one day at a time. Only God can make that happen in a life. Especially such a broken one. This entire site is mainly about God’s miracle sobriety in my life and the miracles and breakthroughs that have happened as a result. I live and love to share His incredible story of my life, and I will continue to write about it as long as He allows me to. Even when it causes me to be so vulnerable like I am feeling at this very moment.

So what am I struggling with if it is not the urge to drink or reach for another harmful vice? I am glad you asked. At the risk of sounding like I am out of my mind (which sometimes I really think I am), I will share that my struggle is being alive in this cruel world and having to face reality instead of trying to hide from it. It is a struggle with darkness. I do not know how else to explain it. I have to work hard with dealing with my thoughts and feelings instead of bottling them up or finding destructive ways to numb them so I do not have to feel or think about anything. I did that for decades and even though it has been over six years of freedom from that, I still wish that I did not have to feel. Sometimes hope really hurts. Many times being out in the world is exhausting and painful and I have to fight hard against giving up.

A few people close to me know that I struggle, but I do not think they really understand the struggle. I have shared a little bit here and there, but I have not been able to really express what I go through in words so they can understand. Sometimes it is shame that stops me from sharing, but most of the time it is just because I have no idea how to express my struggle in words. It causes me to want to isolate and withdrawal from people I love – people I need to help me to keep moving forward. The very people who have walked with me for the past six years and are a big part of my miracle story. I know how dangerous isolation can be for me. Unfortunately, Satan knows too and he uses that to tempt me. Thus far, I am still winning the battle, but that is only because I am developing unashamed dependence on God. I am extremely grateful for that.

I think more times than not, I just I cannot shake the thoughts that I want to leave this world. I am ready. I am tired of the times when I feel so down that I can hardly get up. The struggle seems unbearable at times. BUT, before anyone wants to have me committed to a 72 hour hold, know that I am not suicidal. I do not want to harm myself. When God sobered me up and took the desire to drink away from me, He also took away the desire for me to end my own life. I just wanted to make that clear.

It is interesting that my wanting to leave this world is not like when I was tormented by suicidal thoughts in the dark days of depression and drunkenness. But even so, I long to be gone…a lot. I learned it is a longing for heaven to be with my Lord, but I think my mind takes it too far sometimes. When I am in this state, I convince myself that it would be so much better if I could go before all the people I love go. I tell myself that I will not be able to handle being left behind. This sounds so crazy to me and some will think I am crazy for sharing it, but it is part of this journey that I think needs to be told for the sake of others who are struggling. It would sure help me to know that I am not the only one who suffers in this way.

I wonder if feeling everything will ever get better for me. I think about those two decades that I numbed myself and guarded myself from this dark world. I remember how I would drink to be comfortable in social gatherings. It made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Now it is just me and my skin – still very uncomfortable. I no longer have my liquid courage to get me through. I have been without it for these six years and have done incredibly well (God’s miracle). Yet, there are times that the struggle against the temptation to isolate gets intense. It has been happening quite a bit this year. I serve on the worship team in church on Sundays and I attend Bible Study on Tuesday nights and I struggle to make it there a lot of times. It is difficult to admit the battle. It makes me confused at times and ashamed. But I thank God for the strength to keep showing up. Singing my heart out in praises to God even when it is hard to do has saved me in so many ways. So I keep doing it even though the battle still comes. Recently, I even mustered up the courage to reach out to a a dear sister who is a trusted leader to let her know I was struggling. That was hard to do but I knew I could start to get myself into real trouble if I didn’t. She spoke encouraging words into my heart so I was able to overcome once again. Thinking we can do this all on our own can be deadly. I know reaching out and being vulnerable is not easy, but I believe it is a must.

Friends, I am not going to lie. I am tired of the battle that keeps coming. But I am not going to throw everything God has done in my life away, so I keep holding on to His promises. I am living and breathing His Word and that is what is keeping me alive and discovering my divine purpose in this world. He gives me a reason to live.

I do not even know if any of this rambling makes any sense to anyone. Maybe I can at least look at it as just a part of my personal therapy to not keep it bottled up inside. Doing that in the past never served me well. There is more to the struggle, but I am not going to write about it right now. Not sure if I will. I just needed to share this part of it. I think I am going to feel a little awkward knowing that people who know me might read this, but it will not be the first time I feel that way. I always get through and I always hear from people all over the world when I write and share my heart on this site. That makes any awkwardness I face more than worth it. Just like persevering through the pain of life. There must be at least one other person in this world going through something similar so I think it is worth taking a risk with my vulnerable state. If this post does anything at all, perhaps it will help someone out there know that they are not alone in their struggle and they will see that God can do anything with a surrendered and willing heart. Maybe there will be hope in a heart once again. I know I cannot survive with my hope in the Lord.

When I really think about it, I am glad I can feel today. If I was still numbing my heart, I would have never been able to feel the Lord’s love and presence in my life – directly from Him and through the wonderful men and women of God that He has strategically placed in my path months before I hit my rock bottom in February 2010. Praise the Lord for rock bottom miracles.

Once again, I thank you for listening to my heart. I am praying for all who struggle and I ask that you please pray for me too. One of my favorite Scripture quotes lately has been from the New Century Version Bible: “When a believing person prays, great things happen.” ~James 5:16 – It is so true.

Thank You, Lord. I believe! Please, help us with our unbelief… ♥

God promises that joy will come in the morning, but I couldn’t feel it…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

 

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”~Psalm 30:5

I am so glad that I have learned that joy is not a feeling based on circumstances. Yesterday, I had to make the difficult choice to end the life of my kitty Sam. It was not expected that he would get that sick so quickly. I have been caring for a blind kitty with cancer over the last few weeks and I was trying to prepare my heart to let her go, but Sam took me by complete surprise. I am grateful I was strong enough to be there loving him until he drifted off completely. Right before the first injection, Sam had kissed my forehead one last time. He stretched out his paw onto my arm. I could swear he knew it was time to go and wanted me to be okay with it. At least that thought helps me a little. It was a sweet and peaceful rest for him, considering the circumstances. Man, I cried like a baby letting go of him. It would have been cruel to keep him alive since there was nothing that could be done for him. But even so, it didn’t make that decision any easier. The pain of having to make that choice is cruel to my heart, but that’s life. I am trying to focus more on the blessing of having such a long time with that wonderful creature. I have good memories and I am grateful for that. I cried way past midnight. I would be okay for a bit, then the tears would come again and they came hard. As the night went on, the pain in my heart got worse. It has been a long time since I had to say goodbye to a beloved pet. It was like it was a first time again — soooo hard to deal with.

Today was the first day of Spring semester for me. Bad timing!! It was very hard to put my broken heart aside this morning and show up to be a student for 6.5 hours. My eyes were red and puffy and I was tired from crying so much last night after losing Sam. This morning, my heart was just not feeling the student thing. This is only my second year after quitting 20 years ago, but I wanted so much to blow it off. I wanted so much to numb myself again, but reality kicked in and I know how much I stand to lose if I go back to my old ways. So, I pushed through the pain again. As hard as it was, I got out of bed and I showed up. And you know what? So did God. He always does and that is why I continue to push through tough times even though quitting sounds really good sometimes.  God gave me what I needed to be a student today. He put the desire back in my heart. I like my professors and the students. Even being the oldest in the classes did not bother me. I may entertain thoughts of quitting at times, but I am so glad that I know better. Even though I walked with a sad heart today, I was encouraged at how I was able to push through and focus on my mission of being in school to earn a degree. That is surely God’s strength in me. I am way too weak on my own.

When the long day ended and I sat in my car for a moment, I completely lost it again. It was weird how it seemed to come so quickly after being strong all day. I cried…a lot. I got an errand done, and when I got home, I cried some more. I really thought after last night’s tears that I had run dry, but nope. Even as I write this, my eyes are welling up. I hate when my heart hurts and I cannot do what I used to do to lessen the pain. Of course I can if I really want to, but deep inside, I really don’t. I don’t want to undo the great things of God in my life. I am alive and sober and I don’t want to go back to the darkness of being dead and drunk. I just can’t go back.

I am grateful for how God’s Word helps me through the night. The Holy Comforter is with me. Listening to “Joy Will Come” from our worship songs at church makes me cry more, but I find comfort since it’s about God’s promise that joy always comes in the morning. His joy always comes even if it’s the kind of joy that we can’t feel. I hold on to that promise along with many others because God’s Word never fails. So I keep giving my all to Him no matter what because I believe His promise that He is with me and will never leave me. Today was amazing proof of how He helps us through and gives us a supernatural strength to move forward even with such a heavy heart that without Him, would have had me going the wrong way.

I’ve got 21 days to the 6 year mark of sobriety. I will not throw that away. Satan cannot have me ever again. I am holding on even if I have to cry through it. It’s the only choice worth making now and I will keep making this choice to keep pressing on and keep feeling my feelings no matter how much it hurts being sober. I will have to do this all over again when Zoe shows signs that it’s time to let go. Before letting Sam go, I didn’t think I could handle it at all, but now I know I can even through a river of tears. Thankfully I can remember clearly that numbing always made things worse for me. The temporary relief was always followed by much worse pain than what I have been experiencing since yesterday, if you can imagine that. I think some of you can.

So tonight, when I’m all alone and it’s quiet and the sweet creature from the last 17 years does not come by again, I will remember and believe that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning — just as it always comes in the mourning. The Joy of the Lord is the only joy worth holding on to. The Lord has promised to always be there for us no matter what we’re going through and I believe Him. I pray more of you will believe too. I would not be here today if that were not true. Thank You, Lord. ♥

I just needed to pour out my heart again, thanks for listening. This is me and my boy Sammy moments before he fell asleep with his head resting on my hand. 😦 It was a bitter sweet moment, but my heart is still grateful for the blessings.

Sammy

So Long, Sweet Sammy

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I am not proud of what these say of me…

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 Smiling but Dead on the Inside Drunk –  Sept. 2008

I never ever thought I would be brave (or crazy) enough to post old drunken pictures of me. It is not pleasant seeing this old truth about me. But I am grateful to God that my past is in the past and God is using all the bad stuff for good today. I would not be sharing these horrible pictures if it were not true! It took me a while to get courage to do this, but I feel like keeping it real about my alcohol abuse. Besides, how can I share about my miracle if I cannot openly share the hard stuff about the old me?

Anyway, I am celebrating my miracle sobriety milestone early because…well, because I am ALIVE and because I can! My heart hurts and rejoices at the same time when I look at those old photos. What I see in my eyes, the windows to my soul, is nothing but darkness and death. The smile means nothing. At least that is what I remember all too well — I just wanted to die. Actually, I was already dead inside. I was just using alcohol to try and finish the job, but it did not work the way I wanted it to. THANK GOD.

I do not want to wait for my official milestone date in order to celebrate. I am celebrating right here, right now. I am celebrating that I am alive when I should be dead. After twenty plus years of trying to drink myself to death and no end of the darkness in sight, I am celebrating that I found the Light – the Rock at the bottom — my Lord Jesus Christ who has saved me in so many ways! I am 27 days away from turning 50 years old and 28 days away from celebrating six full years of discovering that God is real. I discovered His power to change and because of that, I am sober, free, and living on purpose!

My life story is all over this blog so I am not going to rewrite it here. I just want to take this opportunity to Praise God for saving my life. I thank Him for pulling me out of the pit of hell and for setting this captive free. It has been a tough six years, but NOTHING is too hard for God to do within us when we get out of His way and let Him have His way. Soooo grateful that I caught on to that.

I am forever grateful and I pray with all my heart and soul that others will experience life like I am. I make a daily choice. I choose to be free from harmful vices. I have not relapsed, nor have I traded one vice for another. I am truly FREE. But only because of my Lord and Savior Jesus for giving me the power to change. It takes work, it takes faith and trust and the willingness to do some super hard stuff, but man is it so worth it. If you are struggling with something tonight, I am praying for your freedom. You can do it…JUST DO IT and reach for God above all and get ready to LIVE like never before.

God bless you and someone please…celebrate God’s mighty miracle with me! To God be the glory, amen? AMEN!

Nothing is impossible with God. This photo speaks for itself. Ah, the sober life with Him…cannot imagine any other way. Thankful!!! ♥

SURRENDER IS FREEDOM.

Christmastime Misery to Miracles: My prayer for the sad and lonely hearts this Christmas

Debbie B. Leave a comment

So many people suffer from sadness this time of year. It is mind-boggling to me being that I am one of those who has suffered since I was sixteen years old — I believed for so long that I was alone. I believed that something was wrong with me because I did not have the joy that I would see others have.  After all, it is Christmas – the most wonderful time of the year, right? OK, sorry. I never thought that was cute either, especially when I was in deep depression.

Well, this Christmas, just two months before my 50th birthday AND my six year milestone of sobriety (WOW…only God!), something extra incredible is taking place inside of my heart for the first time. The Holy Spirit of Christmas is moving and I have to tell the world about it because I know without a doubt that what God is doing for me at this very moment is something that He will do for anyone who calls out to Him wholeheartedly. No matter how long it takes, those who keep following, obeying, seeking, and trusting Him will receive their miracle too! But you must believe without a doubt and NEVER GIVE UP while waiting.

I pray this story of my own Christmastime miracle will reach many. I so want to encourage the hearts that feel like giving up and who perhaps are losing all hope. Do not give in to those thoughts that are from the devil wanting to destroy you. I know how tiring it is year after year to have the heavy heart that you are currently suffering. I walked with that heavy heart for over 30 years of my life.

For just a quick background of my story, one day, in my most desperate moment, God heard my sincere cries and reached down and changed everything. He changed me in ways I never dreamed of. I have been living an incredible life as a new Christian since 2010. Notice that I did not say it was an easy life, but incredible, nonetheless. For those who are new to my story, I suffered from severe depression and was tormented by thoughts of suicide. The only way I knew to deal with it was to drink as much as I could to kill the emotional pain with the hope that one day I would not wake up. But there came a day with a heartfelt rock bottom cry and that is when God sobered me up and took the severe depression away. It was a true miracle.

However, when Christmas 2010 came, I was discouraged by how heavy my heart became once again. I did not understand it. I pushed through and sometime after the New Year, I was all right again – only to find it start all over again come Christmas 2011…2012…2013…2014. Toward the end of 2014, I could not believe that I was starting to go backwards, spiritually speaking. In the Spring of 2015, I was entertaining thoughts of giving up. I was so tired of the fight. I was starting to believe once again that I was worthless and that everyone would be better off without me. I heard stories of recent suicides – I have a hard time explaining where my mind went with that, but it really had me thinking that maybe it is not such a bad idea after all (dang devil is such a liar).

So what happened that made me go backward? Well, it all started with an annual physical in September 2014 that suddenly had me going through invasive medical tests and procedures that caused a lot of physical pain. Although that was pretty bad and discouraging in itself, the part that really brought me down was the reason I was having to go through any of it. It was due to a repercussion from my past life. The poor choices I made long ago had caught up with me and the devil took advantage of my vulnerable state. He had me believing that I did not deserve God’s love. That I was a bad person and that was why I had to suffer the consequences of my choices. I got knocked down pretty hard spiritually and I would get up and be all right for a bit, but I would get knocked down again and again until I almost got lost in the dark again.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I never fully gave in. I still continued to cry out to Jesus for help. I had sisters in Christ listening to my tears and praying for me each week at Bible study — one being my pastor who would also answer every text message and email I had ever sent her during each week when I was struggling. My church prayed for me. I even had a dear and very busy brother in Christ make time to call me frequently to pray. I am so blessed because these wonderful people of God helped me to keep on keeping on and Jesus lit the pathway in the darkness so I could see just enough to get to the other side with Him.

It has been an incredible year of spiritual growth. That is what I love so much about this journey of walking with God in the center. NOTHING goes to waste. He truly uses all things for good. I received a clean bill of health from that last medical issue and I received much more than that! I have complete freedom for the first time in my entire life! GOD BROKE THROUGH, AND I BROKE FREE!!!! In that year-long struggle of dealing with depression, I became an incredibly strong woman of God. God’s Word, my sword, never leaves me and I am able to fight off every attack of the enemy since. I am eternally grateful. Now this is all wonderful, but this is not the miracle that I am wanting to share. But since this all helped me to open the way for God to give me the miracle, it is an important part of the story that needed to be told.

SO, the greatest lesson I learned through this year-long struggle was this: Getting past my past! That is it! I needed to completely let go of the shame…AGAIN. I had let it go before, but the enemy was able to sneak it back in when the medical issue came up. However, since I did not give in, Jesus once again took the pain away. He showed me that I am not worthless and He gave me His wonderful self-esteem — the days of no esteem are over. The enemy, the accuser of my life, has been silenced!  I learned that NOTHING in this world can ever change who I am in Christ. NOTHING, NO ONE, and NO THING defines me. Only God does and I know so well what He thinks of me. I know what He thinks of you too. Just open the Bible and listen to the Love He has for you that pours out all over the place.

This breakthrough that took place around August 2015 has been bringing some incredible blessings as I continue on in the journey. My strength has helped me to become an incredible prayer warrior for others, and it brought me the most beautiful gift I have experienced in a long time — God turned my Christmastime misery into a Christmastime miracle. I do NOT have a heavy heart this year! Friends, that is nothing short of a miracle, especially since my circumstances have not changed. I am still alone (meaning single and childless) and still have my losses in life, BUT have so much more in Christ and my eyes can see that now. I see more now what I have gained in Christ and that is a life-saving transformation! Jesus has filled every hole in my heart with His gift of grace and love. He has filled me with His Presence and I wish I could explain this better for those of you still suffer, because you need to feel what I am feeling. It is beyond incredible. With Jesus’ love consuming my heart now, there is absolutely no room for any sadness or darkness.  My heart, which is His heart, is pouring into yours at this very moment as you read this. I pray you can feel Him! He is right there with you! Open up and let Him pour in…

I also just want you to know that I get it – your heavy heart. I am praying for your miracle to come and I pray that you will not give up while you wait for it. Remember, I suffered for over 30 years, and after giving my life to the Lord, I waited another five years. But God came through, just like He promises too. While I waited, I took advantage of every challenge so that I could grow closer to God and grow stronger in Him. I am so in awe of His power that is available to those of us who seek it.

So, that is it. I have been talking about this a while, and writing down what is going on in my heart is difficult. I do not think I could ever do it justice, but I pray God gets through somehow. I just want to say again, never give up. Never give in. Trust in God. Surround yourself by godly people who will help keep you lifted when you are down and will encourage and love you every step of the way. Choose to make opportunities for lessons learned out of every challenge and wait to be amazed. You will be. It is a promise. It is HIS promise.

May your heavy heart be light soon – may it be filled with His light that drives out every ounce of darkness. God wants to turn your misery into a miracle too. Will you open up the way for Him? I pray you will. God bless you this Christmas and every single day. Keep pressing on, your miracle is on the way…

Now, if you will excuse me, Christmastime is here and I need to go tell it on another mountain!

candles-141892_640

Jesus is the Light of the world — “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)

 

I Believe in Rock Bottom Miracles

Debbie B. Leave a comment

A conversation in church this past Sunday morning with my pastor and someone who has been going through some extra tough times and has endured much suffering this year inspired me to write this. I am so in awe and blessed by how God strengthens this person to keep her faith and trust in Him as well as my pastor who has also been through her share of suffering. I am always so encouraged by others’ strength and how they continue to praise God no matter what. I am grateful to be surrounded by so many strong Christians. That is how I want to be. It is so easy to praise God when things are going well. Unfortunately, it is also easy to forget about Him and not spend time with Him when things are going well. But to continue to praise Him in the midst of suffering, well, that is absolutely amazing to me. That is what I am being taught to do on this incredible but super challenging journey and I am grateful. It is life-changing. It continues to be life-saving for me. Praising God, especially with heavy hearted praises has brought incredible blessings into the lives who choose to praise Him no matter what. And now that I have learned to do that myself – to completely pour out my heart to God in praises, no matter how hard it may be at times or how many tears come with it, all I can say is WOW. God continues to show up BIG in my life and I am especially blessed when I hear from others how they can see God’s hand on my life. It is not just me telling a story, God is showing people!

I hear Christians wonder how others get through life, especially the tough times without God. I hear it often and I have said it myself even though I have not been a Christian for very long. For the first time today, once I heard my friend say that she wonders how others get through things like she’s been going through without God, suddenly I realized and said to her and my pastor that I know how others are getting through this life without God. How could I forget that I used to be one of them! I was reminded of exactly how my life was when I was going through it without God. Many people are barely surviving life because He is not a part of it. That was me. That was the choice I had made. No one made it for me, I made the choice. I chose to live with no hope. I chose to live in depression, drunkenness, darkness, and death. Amazing how they all start with the letter “d” just like “devil”.

Anyway, my heart breaks now because I see so many making those very same choices. Unfortunately, most would have a hard time admitting it or seeing that they are indeed the ones making the choice. A lot of us go through hard times in life and we end up blaming everyone else for our troubles. We blame God. For me, it was all my dad’s fault that I reached for alcohol when life got too hard after he abandoned me. It was all his fault even though he was not there giving me that first drink. I made the choice to drink that one and much more. Does this kind of thinking seem familiar to anybody else? I think it probably does. People who do not know or even want to know God, choose to stay in darkness and are reaching for things like alcohol to numb themselves so they cannot feel anything. I only know because that is how I spent my entire adult life until I turned 44. Before God revealed Himself to me, all I knew how to get through life was to try to drink it away.

For some reason, I was supposed to remember the godless part of my life today. Perhaps it was so I could write this with the hope that God will use it to pierce someone’s heart. Maybe He’ll pierce someone’s heart who may be heading to rock bottom like He pierced mine IN my rock bottom.  I do not think I will ever forget what life was like without God, nor do I want to forget. It feels good to say that now. For a while I would wonder, now that I have Him – forever — why do I need to remember?  Aren’t we supposed to forget about the past? Well, I do not think so. We are not supposed to dwell on things of the past that we can’t change, but how can I share God’s amazing miracles in my life if I forget where I came from and what God has done for me? I can’t. I want to and need to remember my miracles from God. For me, remembering the miracles means remembering the past. But only because of my strong desire to share Him with the world. I don’t remember the shame to hold on to it, I remember it to tell the world how God took it away. He helped me to finally accept His forgiveness and he helped me to forgive myself. That took a while to happen, but it was another amazing breakthrough for me when that day came. I know without a doubt that God desires to do for everyone else what He has and continues to do for me. The problem is, many people who are in a bad place like I was do not want to make the tough choices that need to be made.  For example, like giving up things such as friends. As someone who knew that I had to stay sober or eventually lose everything, even my life, I had to make the difficult decision of giving up time with friends who like to party and drink. Thankfully, God gave me the desire to know Him and gave me new godly friends to spend time with who to this day continue to keep me on the right path for my life. I choose to surround myself with godly people who keep me safe and do not put me in places where I might stumble. I am grateful for godly friends who have become a chosen family for me! I never worry about relapsing when I am with them. Actually, after being sober for 5 ½ years now, I do not worry about relapsing at all because God has strengthened me and as long as He is the center of my life, I have no need to numb myself with alcohol. Jesus is my Savior and my center and He is all I need.

I seem to get a lot of search engine “rock bottom” hits on this blog. I know some people are concerned for a friend or family member they are watching head to rock bottom. I feel their hearts searching for something to tell them how they can help. One of the questions I remember was something like: “Is it Christian to allow someone to hit rock bottom?” Another one wanted to know about Christians hitting rock bottom. I sense it was someone giving up on a friend or loved one or maybe even themselves. Well, all I can say is that Christian or not, NOBODY can prevent anyone from reaching rock bottom. A person can’t prevent it themselves, not on their own. Not without God. There is nothing that anyone can do. Only God can do that and I am not so sure that He will intervene before rock bottom. It depends and I will not pretend to know the answer that only God knows. All I do know is that it usually takes a very desperate person to finally surrender their entire life to Him. It is unfortunate that most of the time it takes rock bottom for that to happen, but it is the truth. So if you’re someone who is concerned for someone else, give yourself a break. Give up the burden that was never yours to take on. What you can do is love them and pray and leave the rest to God. Pray that God will intervene and make the person desperate enough to call out to Him before they lose everything. I think it is a possibility worth praying for. But you need to believe and leave it all up to God.

I think there are people that want someone to change, but they may need to be the one who changes first. This is just a thought from my heart that I feel is important to share. I hid my problem for many years. But when it started to get noticed, the last thing I wanted was advice from someone who was not walking the talk. If I am going to be there for someone and encourage to give up a vice and seek God instead, I better be walking that walk myself and it better show through my actions louder than my words. When we change ourselves and God’s light shines through, people in need get drawn in to Him. Be that person!

In my case, even though it took something like issues with my heart to wake me up to the choices I had been making and a new desire and desperation to change, I will be forever grateful for that wake-up call in the hospital. Even if it means that I need to take heart medication for the rest of my life. It was my rock bottom. We all can reach a different severity of rock bottom. Some could look like mine and others may lose EVERYTHING. No matter what though, once we get there, if we give our lives to God, miracles happen at rock bottom. It does not have to be the end of anything, except a destructive lifestyle. My rock bottom miracle was finding out that God is real and soon afterward I discovered my miracle sobriety! Grateful!

I chose death for too long but praise the Lord I now choose life! I choose God to be my one and only center. No more destructive living. No more wanting to be dead. No more living to please my own flesh by seeking worldly things that brought emptiness and led me on the pathway to hell. I live to please God now and I am grateful for His desires of my heart. I see so many others where I used to be and it breaks my heart because they do not have to stay there. If only more would finally surrender their entire life to Him. It has to be ALL because He is an all or nothing God. My ongoing prayer is that God will use my journey and those who have also fully surrendered to Him to be a Light for Him in every dark place we encounter. May He open our eyes to the mission fields where He places us so He can reveal Himself to others through us. May their hearts be softened and open and willing so they will be drawn to Him too. Time is running out. I am asking God to give more people the desire that He has given so many of us to know Him. I thank Him for rock bottom miracles. I thank Him for my greatest lessons learned in the midst of my greatest challenges. I thank Him for not delivering me from the trials, but for delivering me IN the trials where He continues to refine me. I know I would miss out on so many blessings if my life were easy. God catches every tear. He never lets us go. I thank God that He will do the same for anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart. I pray people will stop delaying and choose God — LIFE today.

My heart overflows with these words from a beautiful Christian worship song that I have been singing for days. It is my prayer for my own heart and every seeking heart who comes upon this story that was written just for you…”Holy Spirit You are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory God is what our hearts long for — to be overcome by Your Presence, Lord.”  Welcome Him in today, dear friend. You won’t regret it.

Oh God, overcome more hearts. May they turn to You, find You and discover Your power to change like I have. Thank You for saving me and so many others in so many ways…

Friend, today is the beginning of something great in your life, if you so choose…I pray you will!

This is me worshiping with my church family. This is my heart of worship that God has blessed me with after sobering me up. I am forever grateful!