Smiling but Dead on the Inside Drunk – Sept. 2008
I never ever thought I would be brave (or crazy) enough to post old drunken pictures of me. It is not pleasant seeing this old truth about me. But I am grateful to God that my past is in the past and God is using all the bad stuff for good today. I would not be sharing these horrible pictures if it were not true! It took me a while to get courage to do this, but I feel like keeping it real about my alcohol abuse. Besides, how can I share about my miracle if I cannot openly share the hard stuff about the old me?
Anyway, I am celebrating my miracle sobriety milestone early because…well, because I am ALIVE and because I can! My heart hurts and rejoices at the same time when I look at those old photos. What I see in my eyes, the windows to my soul, is nothing but darkness and death. The smile means nothing. At least that is what I remember all too well — I just wanted to die. Actually, I was already dead inside. I was just using alcohol to try and finish the job, but it did not work the way I wanted it to. THANK GOD.
I do not want to wait for my official milestone date in order to celebrate. I am celebrating right here, right now. I am celebrating that I am alive when I should be dead. After twenty plus years of trying to drink myself to death and no end of the darkness in sight, I am celebrating that I found the Light – the Rock at the bottom — my Lord Jesus Christ who has saved me in so many ways! I am 27 days away from turning 50 years old and 28 days away from celebrating six full years of discovering that God is real. I discovered His power to change and because of that, I am sober, free, and living on purpose!
My life story is all over this blog so I am not going to rewrite it here. I just want to take this opportunity to Praise God for saving my life. I thank Him for pulling me out of the pit of hell and for setting this captive free. It has been a tough six years, but NOTHING is too hard for God to do within us when we get out of His way and let Him have His way. Soooo grateful that I caught on to that.
I am forever grateful and I pray with all my heart and soul that others will experience life like I am. I make a daily choice. I choose to be free from harmful vices. I have not relapsed, nor have I traded one vice for another. I am truly FREE. But only because of my Lord and Savior Jesus for giving me the power to change. It takes work, it takes faith and trust and the willingness to do some super hard stuff, but man is it so worth it. If you are struggling with something tonight, I am praying for your freedom. You can do it…JUST DO IT and reach for God above all and get ready to LIVE like never before.
God bless you and someone please…celebrate God’s mighty miracle with me! To God be the glory, amen? AMEN!
Nothing is impossible with God. This photo speaks for itself. Ah, the sober life with Him…cannot imagine any other way. Thankful!!! ♥
SURRENDER IS FREEDOM.