.It is time to be super transparent again and share this very personal part of my journey to heaven because I think someone who is experiencing something similar needs to hear it and take heart. I think that this time my vulnerability might not be just for a fellow servant of God, but perhaps it will also help me to get past any unresolved feelings of failure and shame that I seem to experience whenever I go through spiritual darkness as I have been for several weeks. I had a dark spell last year as well and I thought that it was pretty bad, but I almost think that this year has been a little darker for some reason. I have been going through it more than I care to admit, but I am willing to be open about it if it means helping another get through theirs.
Those of us who are wholehearted servants of the Lord who have become threats to the kingdom of darkness know (should know) that we are going to be harassed and sometimes tormented by the invisible enemy. It is a given. It comes with the territory of saying yes to the call and putting our faith into action for God with no compromise. Therefore, we must remain steadfast in our faith and remember that we are not the only ones going through whatever we are going through for the Lord’s sake. Amen? To back this thought up, I am reminded of Scripture that says:
I think it is always encouraging to know that we are never alone with the difficulties that come with this amazing journey on the pathway to Heaven!
When my battle gets fierce like it has been, I try to convince myself to count it all joy because these dark patches are really “training with Jesus” in this incredible journey of spiritual growth. Many times I am successful at counting it all joy. Then like more recent times, things happen that cause me to feel ashamed because I somehow managed to allow the overwhelming negative voices take over in my head. I want to give up and disappear and I have a hard time sharing these thoughts with people who have been walking closely with me on this journey. Especially the strong leaders that God has blessed my life with. I tell myself that it is doubtful that they would understand my torment and I do not want them to think less of me. My heart knows they would not judge me nor give up on me, but my mind tells me otherwise.
These horrible thoughts have been accusing me and telling me the reason I am going through the darkness is because God has left me. The old familiar “Loser”, “You are not worthy”, “You are a screw-up”, “Just go ahead and give up already”, and “Where is your God?” They torment my mind, knock me down, and then I feel like the depression that God had already given me victory over tries to sneak its way back into my life to take me out for good. Does this kind of battle sound familiar to anyone out there? PLEASE. Tell me it is not just me!
So why am I taking the risk of sharing all of this? I do not really fully know!! But I think I am sharing because first, I hope that someone out there gets me! If not, then I cannot help but wonder if this is going to be my last vulnerable piece of writing. That probably is not going to happen since God always wins. Even so, it is so difficult not knowing if sharing this personal stuff is really of any use to anyone out there. My second reason for sharing is that I want to share what I feel the Lord has been revealing to me as I have persevered and have taken each step seeking my God all the way through the dark patch back into His light of grace. Thankfully the Light is shining bright once again. I was listening to the enemy’s lies that God had left me, but I know now for a fact that He never left because I have been faithful. I know this as truth because God’s Word is truth. And if you have been His faithful servant, He has not left you either. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR. I am going to say that as many times as I need to until my last day on this earth.
I want to share Scripture straight from God’s heart to yours that I hope will help you like it has helped me to keep pressing on. There is so much more than this to share, but these are the ones that God reminded my heart of recently and I am passing them along. You may already know these truths, I have known them for a while, yet the evil lies still got through. So I believe we all need to be reminded of God’s truths on an ongoing basis in this dark world we are passing through. Of course this long writing is not for everyone, but I pray it reaches someone who is struggling the way I have been.
Here are some things to ponder:
Do you think God has left you even though you have remained faithful to Him? Then you must know and believe the truth that He has been there all this time, because His Word tells us that He NEVER forsakes His faithful ones: “For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake His faithful ones.” (Psalm 37:28)
As a faithful servant of God you are one of His anointed. Take heart and be strong in Him for He is your refuge: “The LORD is the strength of His people, He is the saving refuge of His anointed.” (Psalm 28:8)
We all sin and we should all know that sin separates us from God. So if you feel He is not near, it is a good time to check yourself — search your heart and repent of any sin. You know what they are. If they are not obvious, ask God to help you. He will reveal sins that you may not even realize. Remember that God is quick to forgive. You cannot buy or work for His forgiveness so do not try. Just confess to Him, pour out your heart as a sacrifice to Him (I am SO grateful for this truth): “My sacrifice, O God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17) If you repeat the same sins over and over, you need to ask for God to help you turn away. Ask Him to remove the ungodly desires and replace them with His desires. He will! He did for me!
Want to ensure your success on this journey? “In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success.” (Proverbs 3:6) All we have to do is put Him first!!
And finally, ALL will go well for us if we obey God and commit ourselves wholeheartedly: “If you obey all His laws and commands, you will enjoy a long life. Listen closely…be careful to obey. Then all will go well with you…Hear O people! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourself wholeheartedly…” (Deuteronomy 6:2, 4-6)
I want to encourage you to continue to seek God and His face — seek His Word daily if you are not already. May you become as hungry for Him as I have become.
And two more for the road that I pray will never happen to you. God DOES leave people, but it does not have to be:
“But I assure you of this: If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods, worshiping and bowing down to them, you will certainly be destroyed.” (Deuteronomy 8:19) Remember other gods can be anything (harmful vices, etc.) or anyone (husband, wife, children, etc.) who you put first before God. I am human too, so I know this is a great challenge. But God gives us the power and desire to do right by Him. We must want it and seek His power and desire with our whole heart. I do, I hope you do too.
“The LORD is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.” (2 Chronicles 15:2) To me, this is easy…STAY WITH THE LORD, ALWAYS!!! But even if this did happen, just return to the Lord. His Word also says that He will return to us if we return to Him. You need to search His Word to see for yourself, but here is just a few you can start with in this truth: Malachi 3:7; Zechariah 1:3; Joel 2:12; then of course there’s the wonderful parable that Jesus spoke of that you can read again starting in Luke 15:11 — an amazing picture of our Heavenly Father waiting with arms wide up for His children to return to Him. How awesome is that! I serve a wonderful God of love. The God of second chances…I wouldn’t be alive today if this were not true.
So let’s keep holding on to His promises dear faithful ones. Let’s keep on keeping on our pathway to Heaven where we will see God face to face when that great day comes. Until then, follow His ways, follow His laws, and you cannot help but lived a blessed life. Remember, this is not our home, and we are never alone. Thank You Lord Jesus!
Thanks again for all who choose to listen to my vulnerable heart for God. May God bless you richly. ♥