The last time I opened my heart about Father’s Day was in 2014. I thought that would be the end of it because I believed that I was completely healed. I guess I thought that when I first wrote about it in 2012 too. Ah, healing is a process. So Father’s Day 2015 is only a few days away, and I discovered a few weeks ago that this time of year is still a trigger for me — a negative one. I am glad I can share that things are turning around and I am getting better. For the first time recently, I shared things that I had not shared before with my Bible Study sisters. They are amazing women of God who bless my life and they make it so safe for me to pour my heart out and to cry when I need to. Why I held stuff in for so long, I do not know. I just know that vulnerability still does not come easy for me. I am so grateful that I finally opened up because since I poured out my troubled heart to them few weeks ago, I have found more freedom and more healing. God is so good. I pour out my heart to Him all the time, but for some reason, it took sharing with my sisters that brought me more healing from things that have been weighing my heart down for the past 5 years or so — since my dad was found dead in his home. I know this additional healing has come because my sisters lifted me up in prayer. I can see now that God made it all happen and I am so grateful!
For those who do not know anything about me, since I was sixteen years old, I dreaded Father’s Day because my dad pretty much abandoned me. He did much more than divorce my mom. He completely crushed my spirit. Maybe it would not have been so bad had I known my Heavenly Father, but that was just not how life was for me back then. I have shared in the past that I felt robbed. I hated not having a father as I was growing into a young woman. I missed my dad. I cried myself to sleep many nights from a crushed heart and every time I would see the good Dads loving their children, that just made it worse for me. I was happy for them, it was a blessing to see, but when I was alone at night it was nothing but tears and emptiness. I love my mom dearly. She worked so hard keeping a roof over our heads until I could get a job and help, I did not want to burden her with what I was going through. That was the beginning of a pathway to rock bottom that finally happened when I was 44. I get a lot of hits on my “Praise God for Rock Bottom” post and I hope it has touched some hearts. Rock Bottom is where I met God for the first time in my life. It is where I discovered that He is real. He has done amazing things and has completely turned my life around. I no longer desire to drink my life away and I no longer desire to die. I cannot say enough about God in my life!
Anyway, enough about me…what I mostly wanted to say is “Thank You!” to all the Dads out there who are there loving your families. I want to especially thank the men of God out there. I have many brothers in my journey that make my heart smile as I watch them be the amazing godly fathers that they are. What a blessing it is to see that they do exist! Just because I did not have a dad like that, does not mean that they are not out there and I am grateful that God has opened my eyes and heart to witness it. To those of you whose fathers are in heaven, I pray for peace and comfort and wonderful memories that warm your heart. May our Heavenly Father be enough. May you be filled with His amazing love that fills any void that you might feel in your heart.
I pray for the fathers who are denied access to their children. There are a lot of tragic circumstances where I know that dads who want to be there for their kids are not being allowed to. I pray for the fathers who do not know how to be there for their kids and decide to leave and not make contact like mine did. Now that I am much older and wiser, I do not hate my dad. He just did not know how to be a dad when I needed him most. I am grateful that God gave me strength to forgive. I am beyond grateful that forgiveness and restoration took place before my dad died. I pray for the children who are caught in the middle of ugliness between their mom and dad and I pray for the children who are left behind like I was. Lord, let there be more healing, restoration, and forgiveness, I ask that You do for them what You have done for me.
So, Happy Father’s Day to the Dads out there. But above all, HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to the God of my life — my Heavenly Father who loves me more than anyone ever can. I love You too Daddy. Please tell my earthly dad who I know is with You in heaven now, that I said hello and that I will see him when You bring me home. ❤
“Sing to God, sing praises to His name; Extol Him who rides on the clouds, by His name YAH, and rejoice before Him. A father of the fatherless…” ~Psalm 68:4,5 (NKJV)
He is my Father and I love Him with all of me!