I know, strange title to post, but I hope it will catch some attention. Just the other day I was speaking with a very dear Christian sister about this thought and how it kept coming to mind. Of course I will explain what it means for my own life. I think God planted that thought into my mind knowing I’d be creating a blog in a little less than 48 hours later. Since what I’ll be sharing in these posts is about my very personal life, I am in the habit of praying before I share anything. I ask God to help me share in a way that will reach some hearts and bring Him glory. I truly hope I can accomplish that.
Back in the days of depression, on those very dark nights when I used try so hard to drink myself into a coma, I’d cry myself to sleep almost every night asking God to “please put me out of my misery.” I didn’t have a relationship with God at that time, but I would desperately cry out to Him asking Him to let me die in my sleep. I was so exhausted from the life I was barely surviving. As you can see, God never answered that prayer and I am eternally grateful.
When I say that God didn’t want me, it was actually what I believed after crying out to Him on those agonizing nights. When I’d wake up the next morning feeling terrible, I managed to get through that next miserable day and it would start all over at night with me crying myself to sleep again. God seemed so far away and even unreal. On some nights, I’d cry even harder, literally sobbing uncontrollably saying “God, why don’t you want me?” My heart breaks every time I hear about a suicide. So many people end up taking their own life and some may wonder how I was able to escape that. I used to wonder that myself, but I don’t anymore. Believe me, the tormenting thoughts were there, but the only explanation I have (other than God definitely had His hand on my life) is that I had and still have a very good relationship with my mother. I just couldn’t have her find me dead by my own hands. But somehow if I drank myself into a coma, well, that would be different. At least that’s what I had convinced myself of.
More than a few years prior to those darkest nights of depression, I had given my heart to Jesus, but I didn’t fully surrender every area of my life to Him. I didn’t know how to back then. I didn’t know any Christians at that time that could help me and I wasn’t looking for help. I have no idea if I would have made it to heaven or not if I had died when I wanted to. That’s a scary thought, but today I’m thrilled to say that I have no doubt where my eternal home is.
So, God didn’t want me…He didn’t want me to die because He has big plans for my life. He has big plans for everybody’s life. Unfortunately, many people won’t discover those plans because they’re not willing to open their heart to Him and give Him full control and live according to His will alone. I pray that He will use my new life as an example of what He can do with a willing heart. I won’t try to understand why some people end up dying by suicide. That would drain me trying to figure that out—only God knows the answer to that. My heart hurts for them and their families. All I can do is pray that something I say or do will help someone else think twice about their actions before it’s too late. I pray they’ll reach out to God like I did, perhaps even before a major wakeup call like I had. Maybe that’s why God led me to start this blog. I may never know and that’s okay. I’m just going to continue to do what He asks of me and leave the rest up to Him.
Lord, Thank You for Your love. You have opened my eyes and have shown me that my life has great purpose. Please use me to help others find hope in You so they too can find their purpose and live the best life possible!