More than ever, my heart is broken. More than ever, I feel like a little girl lost in the midst of a huge crowd of uncertain souls looking everywhere but God for comfort and peace. God blesses with these things in ways that nobody in this entire world ever can. That’s why so many hearts are never satisfied and are always looking to fill an incredible void that can never be filled by anything or anyone of the world, yet they keep searching and never find. And although I pray with all that I have left in me, many still do not put their faith in the One who holds the whole world in His hands and can give us more than we can ever imagine to ask for. And so my heart breaks more.
More than ever, I am a loner wanting to be alone and just keep my sorrows to myself. The problem with doing this, is that it feels like my heart is going to wear out before my body does. I can choose to give up on living this life—even though this is not how I thought life would be after walking the last ten years sober with God. The truth is, after these ten years, I feel like I have never really learned to live sober. It seemed like I was just getting started when the whole world shut down about five months ago. My mind grows tired and confused more than ever. I have battled with the shame of becoming so weary after all I have seen God do in my life and the life of others. Even so, I am still here pressing on because I have the victory in Jesus Christ. And in EVERYTHING, I am strong in the One who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)!
The weariness and wanting to give up is where I was for a while, but it is not where I decided to stay. I have a choice. I can choose death, or I can keep choosing life, which is what I will continue to do as long as God allows. Even when I cannot see the way. Praying for those who feel like giving up. Don’t do it. Seek God. His Word says, if you seek Him with your whole heart, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). This, I know is true. There is so much more I can say, but if you just seek Him with your whole heart, He will start something in you that you never thought possible.
Thanks for listening to my heart. I actually wrote the above words down a couple of months ago and never shared them. I am still here and I am grateful, and it seemed like a good time to share. I am in a much better place today compared to a few of months ago. Even in the midst of this darkness caused by the pandemic and civil unrest and election chaos in America, life is still worth living. Because GOD—not just any god—The Lord GOD Almighty, the maker of heaven and earth, is here. He’s never left, and He never will. He is still on the throne.
I am glad that I know that I need my God. I need His love. I need His power. I need His sweet peace and rest. I need Him today and forever. He supplies ALL my needs. Yes, I still believe, and I want to live this life He is making for me…more than ever. ♥