Tag Sobriety

Praise God for Rock Bottom!!

Debbie B. Leave a comment

So who in the world can be so joyful about hitting rock bottom? Me. That’s who. And perhaps people like me, who have overcome (with the help of Jesus Christ) depression, suicidal thoughts, and addiction. Nobody wants to hit rock bottom. Most work hard to try to avoid it. The problem is that most try under their own power and strength. It’s a losing battle. I know. I spent decades fighting that battle all by myself. I didn’t want anybody’s help. Especially a God I didn’t know. Satan loves it when we insist on fighting the battle on our own. He knows we grow weary and give up. Some of us choose suicide. Some of us choose the bottle or some other sort of chemical addiction.

Satan loves to use these destructive things in our lives to give us temporary peace. It’s the only way he can keep us captive. He loosens the chains just enough to allow us to think we’ve got everything under control, and when we are getting a little too comfortable, he yanks us down into the pit deeper and deeper.

Well, I never thought I’d be able to say that I am thankful that I was hitting rock bottom in 2010. Had I not hit rock bottom, I would have never discovered the power of THE Rock at the bottom. Yes, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My chains are gone. Thank You, Jesus! I love Luke 4:18-19 where Jesus read from the scroll of the prophet Isaiah: “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Is anybody out there ready to let Jesus set you free? What are you waiting for??!! I am grateful that I finally chose to let the light of Jesus shine in my darkest places! I have never been so alive.

Lord God Almighty, I pray for others out there who are trying to avoid rock bottom. I pray something significant happens so that they’ll stop battling. I pray they reach You like I did because it seems to be the only way we finally see that we need to surrender ALL to You so You can set the captive free. Thank You that You are there waiting for them to come to You at this very moment. Thank You that You meet us right where we are. Lord, when they come to You, I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that You will begin an amazing work in them and their life will be changed forever. Show us Your glory Lord, we want to see Your glory. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen. ♥

“The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)

The Light Shines in the Darkness

I have chosen to never walk in darkness again and I am GRATEFUL!

“I’m sorry I didn’t die…”

Debbie B. 2 Comments

For a long time, those are words that I have wanted to say when people are mourning the death of a loved one who chose to take their own life. Even though I have nothing to be guilty about, I fight thoughts of guilt that I am still alive and someone else is gone. I would sometimes feel like I need to apologize that I am still alive. It is a difficult situation for me. I am so grateful that I chose to reach out for God instead of dying. It it is a challenge for me to share about it in sensitive situations like successful suicides. I am no one special. I’m just me. Someone who was as desperate as anybody to make the pain in my heart go away. I wanted nothing more than to die to end it because nothing else was stopping the pain. The alcohol was making things much worse, but I kept drinking. Tempory relief was better than none at all. I thought maybe I could drink myself to death, I was hoping to. Thought it would be an easy way to do it, but I was so wrong. Well, I didn’t die. I am alive. I chose to live. I chose to let the Lord help me live. I chose to walk in His light so that I would never walk in darkness again. His Word tells us we’ll never walk in darkness again. I am finally able to stop apologizing for making this wonderful choice to live.

So how do I share how God reached down for me at the same time I was reaching up for Him and that He saved me when their loved one is gone? Why didn’t God keep them alive too? I understand now that we can’t begin to know why, so I stopped trying to understand. I don’t think anyone wants to truly die that way and I am so sad for those who weren’t able to see the light. I am so sad that they chose to end their suffering in death instead of allowing God to come in and give them abundant life. I am not saying it is an easy thing to do. It takes complete surrender. It takes a lot of effort to completely surrender control to God, but anybody can do it if they really want to. We all have choices. I was so tired of living in the darkness of severe depression. So as I was reaching the end of my rope, I made the choice to reach for God and asked Him (more like begged) to do something because I didn’t know how much longer I could bear the pain. It is not like He waved a magic wand and the depression and alcoholism were immediately cured while I did nothing. I had to get up and move. It has taken a lot of difficult and sometimes painful effort and complete trust in the Lord to do His part.  But He has done miracle after miracle in my life since I made that choice. Like I said, we all have choices and I chose to live and I am forever grateful for the amazing things of God in my life.

Whenever I hear of another suicide, it literally brings me to tears. My pastor pointed out that my heart is especially tender due to my own broken heart. I know she’s right. I know so well the depression and despair—the desperate need for the pain to go away. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness because nobody can possibly understand what it’s like. I understand the thoughts of suicide. I was tormented by them for years. I believed at the time that suicide was going to be the only way to make the pain stop. I remember those dark days so clearly. When someone dies by their own hand today, my heart breaks and I weep as if I have lost someone close to me. But I have learned that ALL who believe in Jesus–who have given their heart to Him go to heaven when they die. That brings me as much peace as it does their loved ones. But that shouldn’t give anyone a reason to end their life. I long to be with the Lord myself, but when I see Him face to face, it will be in His timing, not mine. I am SO grateful to have been rescued from all of that suffering, and I now live the life that the Lord intended for me. Today, I know the Lord and I am grateful that I didn’t miss out on getting to know Him. Every day I learn something new about Him. Every day, I want to get to know Him more and more. He is the only reason I am alive, He is the only reason I want to live. My life is an amazing example that suicide is NOT the only way out of the deep dark pit of depression.

For all who are stuck in this dark place thinking there’s no way out, I pray with all my heart that this will give you hope that there IS a way out without having to end it in suicide. Jesus is the ONLY way. The devil wants to take down as many as he can while he still has time. Please don’t let him win. If you are ready to live, I mean really live for the first time, choose life with the Lord today. You will never regret it. I can certainly testify to that.

Thank You Jesus, for this wonderful gift of abundant life. May my life continue to be an example of Your wonderful gift of Grace. Your Grace is more than enough for me. ♥

A Lost Alcoholic Woman’s Quiet Way to Die

Debbie B. 5 Comments

I read a heart wrenching story this past December and I have been holding on to it all this time waiting for the right words and the right time to share about it. I guess it’s time. The Lord has been stirring my heart on this extremely difficult and painful subject so here I go again…

This article entitled “A quiet way to die” was about a fairly young woman, who three years earlier at the age of 39, died a horrible and lonely death. Her name was Julie Kroll. A documentary was made featuring her story and four women in the documentary share their shame, hoping they might help another alcoholic woman deal with hers. The name of the film is “Lipstick & Liquor, Secrets in the Suburbs.” In this article, the filmmaker states it’s a pretty film with pretty people. She explains that’s deliberate. Her film shows attractive, successful middle-class women who also had a problem. The article said: “The villain in the film isn’t Kroll, it is alcoholism and the damage the disease does, Kroll is just the haunting example…”

I have not seen the documentary yet, but I am glad it was made. People need to hear these stories. There are a lot of women out there who seem to have it all together. Most people would never be able to guess that they have a problem. I was one of them. I think that is why this article touched my heart the way it did. This article and documentary are focused on how harshly society judges addicted women. But to me, addiction is addiction. It doesn’t discriminate. So my heart goes out to all men and women who suffer any type of addiction.

Julie’s story truly broke my heart. The article stated that she went to pick up her 8 year-old daughter after school in Virginia. Apparently, she had been drinking and lost her way. After a minor crash, she left her daughter behind and stumbled away into the dusk with no coat, purse or phone. She vanished. She had a prior arrest on the suspicion of drinking and driving and the police viewed her as a fugitive. A friend of hers stated that the police didn’t think Julie was worth looking for. They thought she was on the run or hanging out in a bar somewhere. There was a blizzard that made search parties unsuccessful. Her husband pressured the police to help. Tragically, thirteen days later when the police finally searched for her, her body was found in a ravine just 300 yards from her car. The article stated that death came from alcohol, blunt-force trauma and exposure.

Every time I think of what Julie’s friend said about how the police didn’t think Julie was worth looking for, I break down and cry. How heartbreaking that must be to God. I understand how the world works—some people are just considered not worth spending any time on.  But that’s not how I feel. I believe every single lost soul is worth finding. And I know without a doubt, that so does the Lord.

Many people do not reach out for help and I pray that they start sooner than later. Nobody should die like Julie did. I pray someone out there will be motivated to take that very difficult step and ask for help and get into a recovery program. But even more important than that, I pray that something in Julie’s story, the documentary, or even something shared from my own heart will get someone to reach out to the Lord like they’ve never reached out to Him before. Recovery programs are great. Sponsors and friends who understand this problem and help us to stay on track are a blessing.  But I believe with all my heart that getting sober and staying sober is impossible without the Lord’s help.

When I was reaching bottom, I hadn’t fully surrendered to the Lord yet. Not all areas of my life, anyway. I am realizing more and more now, that the Lord started to reach me before I fully surrendered. He had to have been doing something in my heart because when I look back, I remember talking to Jesus every week even though I didn’t really know Him. I would say, “Okay Lord, I will not buy the alcohol this week. I will not stop at the store on my way home from work. I promise.” Yeah right. When I was just a weekend drinker, I would tell myself that I wasn’t going to buy booze for the weekend. But it never failed. I broke my promise every week. At the end of the work week, what was I doing? Yep, I was buying my supply for the weekend, which was quite the supply for one person. Life was hard and I drank hard so I could forget about it for a while.

I know now that I was foolish to ever think I was actually in control and that I could stop when I wanted to. Oh, how wrong I was…almost dead wrong. God changed everything and I am grateful. In just two days, I will be 47 years old and because of God’s wonderful miracles in my life, life has barely begun for me. In just three days I am celebrating three years of sobriety and there is no way that would be possible without the Lord’s power in my life. I encourage anybody struggling out there to reach out to God and get into a recovery program. I highly recommend one that keeps Christ in the center of it.

Someone out there needs to hear this message. If you know someone who is struggling, will you please share it?  No matter who you are or what you have done, don’t believe the lies. GOD SAYS YOU ARE WORTH SAVING. Call out to Him and He will meet you right where you are and your life will be changed forever. Coming from someone who not too long ago was looking for a quiet way to die because I was believing the lies, I pray my testimony will help you find hope and that you will believe that you are worth it and believe through God ALL things are possible.  God loves you so much.

Thank you and may God bless you all. ♥

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If my plans for suicide were successful, I would have missed out on the most amazing love of my life…

Debbie B. 5 Comments

I have said this before and I will keep saying it…there is nothing greater than the love of the Lord God Almighty. It’s a love I have never known before. People can search in others and in things of the earth all they want, and they will never be able to find it because only God can give it. I pray more people will finally catch on to that truth so they can start to really discover His love like I have. It’s a wonderful discovery!

To think of all the years I had missed out on knowing God’s love, I am so grateful that those days are over. As another year comes to an end, I am looking back in such awe of what God has done in this past year alone. It has been a year filled with growing pains, but also a year filled with the most incredible blessings that I didn’t know could be possible. I believe I was tested like never before and I also believe I passed the test with flying colors. This testing has made my relationship and connection with the Lord, as well as my faith, stronger than ever. The blessings always outweigh the tough times. My hope and dreams for the future continue to build. God has given me the dreams and I know that none of them will be possible without Him. What an amazing thing that is to realize. I know that I am nothing without Him in my life. I am nothing without His power working in and through me. It is so awesome to actually be a witness of what all He can do with a willing heart. A willing heart…that’s all we need! I have learned to trust Him with everything on this journey and He is making everything fall into place. I am truly looking forward to whatever He has for me in the near future and in the coming years. I know this New Year is going to be another tough one, probably more so than this last one, but I am ready for it. The Lord has been preparing me for it over the last few years. Boy, has He been preparing me for it!  I truly love my life. I love it because it is SO not about me. I learned that the hard way, but it has been one of the greatest lessons of my life.

Imagine that just a few years ago, the pain I lived with for so many years from walking around with an empty and broken heart almost killed me. I almost completely gave up on life. This precious life that is such a wonderful gift from God that should never be taken for granted. But I was hurting more than anyone who has never been there can ever imagine. When we hurt that badly and we do not know the Lord’s love, there’s really only one way we can think of stopping the pain. Some of us weren’t able to hang in there and that breaks my heart for them and for their loved ones. Only God knows why I am still here. I have learned to accept that it’s not for me to know. That helps me to move forward.

I always think that if I would have just had one person share about Jesus and His love with me back then, maybe I would not have become so severly depressed. Maybe I would not have turned to alcohol to numb the pain. (That is why I am writing this. I want to share His love with others, I want to share what I went through and where I am today. Maybe someone will find hope.) I was just remembering that I started mixing dangerous medication with it because I was hoping that I would just die in my sleep one night. I thought that would be the most peaceful way to go. I am so very thankful that my plan to die didn’t work. Even though this journey with God is tough and there’s still pain that comes with it, it’s a different kind of pain when you’re always walking in the Light of Jesus. It’s a pain worth enduring because everything I do is all for His glory. And for me to say today that I love my life, considering where I was not too long ago, well that’s just another amazing miracle that I am eternally grateful for.

There are so many broken hearts around me. I can’t possibly know who you all are, but I can feel your pain. I’ve been trying to write a new blog post for about a month, but was having a hard time with it. Now I know why. God wanted me to write these words that you’re reading now instead. I’m glad that I’m learning to listen to Him, even though it might take some time for me to catch on. I am thankful for the gift that the Lord has given me to be able to share my heart the way I do. Writing this today has made me cry. I have tears from remembering the pain I lived with for so long and for knowing that pain that people are going through right now. But thankfully the tears turned into tears of Joy from the Lord because I know how great He is and I am so grateful for what He has done with my broken heart. I am grateful for my sobriety.

God is pouring His love through me to reach broken hearts. I know your pain and I know you want it to stop. I pray you will turn your eyes upon Jesus. He is just a whisper…a prayer away. I admit that there are times that I struggle to feel His presence. When that happens I start talking to Him whenever and wherever I am. I’ll just say something simple like “Jesus, make me aware of you” or “Jesus, I need you…” and I start to feel His love, presence and amazing peace inside of me. He helps me through every single day because I open my heart to Him and ask Him to guide me through it. He will do the same for anybody who asks.

The Lord heals the broken hearted. He brings full restoration. I am only one example of many. I pray that you will reach up to Him today. I know He’s waiting for you. He will save you. I am so glad I didn’t give up and that I didn’t let the enemy win. The enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy. Don’t let him. In Luke 19:10 Jesus said “For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.” Thank You, Jesus.

I’m still a young Christian. I have learned many things in a short period of time, but I know I will be learning until my last breath on this earth. I have much to learn. What I do know for sure though, is that Jesus loves us so much that He laid down His life for me and for you and there is no greater love than that, dear friends. Will you accept His love and forgiveness and start living your life for Him and Him alone, today? I pray you will. If you do, you are in for a challenging, but exciting and rewarding journey as you travel with Him on this incredible highway to Heaven.  May God bless you richly. ♥

A true story of healing: I prayed with faith that God would heal me and here’s what happened…

Debbie B. 7 Comments

This story is long, but I believe every bit of it is worth sharing because it’s a wonderful testimony of how awesome God is. I pray people will read it and be encouraged by it. What God did for me, He can do for anybody—if only more people would believe it and pray with such faith. I want the world to know how great He is. Ever since I opened my heart to Him and gave Him my life, incredible miracles like in this story have taken place. I hope it blesses someone.

This past Thursday, I was scheduled for an out-patient surgery. A while back (I’ve shared about it in an ealier post), I was diagnosed with a heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). Lately, I have been having a reoccurring problem so I was scheduled to have an SVT Ablation to correct the problem (second time in seven years). In layman’s terms, the cardiologist punctures a hole in the groin to enter veins that lead into the heart with a catheter. He is looking to cauterize abnormal extra nerves that cause the heart to beat rapidly. That’s a short version and the easiest and best way I know to describe it.

I am so amazed at how God moved this time, He started the moment I arrived at the hospital. A medical assistant greeted me and took me inside to a nurse “Cathy” who started to prep me for the surgery room. I honestly was dreading going through this procedure once again because it was such a horrible experience the first time around. What I didn’t think about at first was that I didn’t have God in my life back then. I didn’t know Him. I didn’t pray to Him, I didn’t thank Him for getting me through it. I was so lost, depressed, alone, an alcoholic, suicidal, and filled with fear. I am so grateful to God for changing all of that—I am so not who I used to be!

Cathy was so kind. I saw something special about her, but I wasn’t sure what it was until I started speaking with her. It turned out that she had Jesus shining brightly through her, it didn’t take me long to figure that out. She took such good care of me. She kept bringing me warm blankets because she knew I was so cold. She knew I’d rather be somewhere else. Every single time I have had to be in the hospital and have needed an IV, it never failed that I would become a human pin cushion. I have veins that roll and it is always so painful. I would end up with many painful bruises from failed attempts. It never mattered when I told them that they would have a hard time. But, this time was different. Cathy thanked me for the “heads up” and placed a warm blanket on my arm. And, like it was nothing, she immediately found a good vein and the only pain I felt was the initial pinch. That was amazing! That never happened before, and I was so thankful!

I had asked Cathy about the recovery time from the procedure. I told her that all I cared about is that I don’t miss church on Sunday because I sing with the praise team and choir. She responded with: “Oh, you won’t miss church. In fact I highly suggest that you don’t miss it!” I loved hearing that! That just opened doors for both of us to open our hearts and share. It was like we were close friends already. She asked what church I attended, I told her all about my wonderful new church (Hope Center of Christ) and how we came about. She was familiar with our pastor and had heard about our church and as we were speaking, she said she was getting the “Holy goose bumps.” She was so happy to hear all that the Lord is doing. That was such a special moment for me. The more we spoke about how great God is, our eyes kept tearing up. I have been in the hospital more than I have ever wanted to be and I have never experienced that with anyone before. Cathy told me that every person in that room was a believer—many born again Christians. They all blessed me so much that morning. There was so much love in that room. I felt like I was with my own church family. I immediately felt that God’s hand was in that. I believe that being surrounded by loving Christians for the first time in that kind of setting was no coincidence. God made that happen. It felt as though He sent His angels there to take special care of me. He gave me His amazing peace. Cathy’s job with me was finished and as I was being rolled off into the surgery room, she stopped them and gave me a big sisterly hug. That was the last I saw of her…I will never forget her.

Being in that extremely cold surgery room was unnerving. Five to six people were all preparing me for the ablation. They were sticking all kinds of cold pads all over me with cables sticking out that were going to be hooked up to monitors. It was all happening so fast. I was having flashbacks from the first time seven years ago. They kept me awake for the procedure at that time which I believe is sadistic! This time, the cardiologist told me I would be put to sleep and wouldn’t feel a thing. Thank You, God! There I was lying on this table, shaking from being so cold, and then they put an oxygen mask on me. It felt like the soft gel type and someone was pressing too hard on it, I felt like I was suffocating. I had to move their hand from my face. I was starting to feel a little fearful. I remember that the anesthesiologist told me he was starting and that I might feel a slight sting in my IV, but I never felt it. I remember trying to breathe and trying not to be scared. I remember the last words that I was able to speak into that mask and they were “Jesus, I need You…” That’s the last thing I remember. Suddenly I was asleep. Minutes later, well more like an hour and a half later, I was waking up. I overheard someone talking about my procedure. They said that the ablation wasn’t done. “What????” I was thinking to myself.  I was wondering if I had heard correctly since I was still kind of out of it. They said it ended up being an Electrophysiology Study. The reason why it became a study and not an ablation is because there were no abnormal nerves to cauterize!  I was still waking up, but I found myself crying tears of joy when I realized that God had answered prayers for healing! I am so grateful for the prayer warriors who had been praying for me and I specifically asked the Lord to heal my heart and to have the cardiologist confirm the healing. I prayed and believed that when the procedure was done that he would find nothing there and that’s exactly what happened! God is so good!

I am in awe of how God moved that day. Everything…every little detail ran so smoothly. It couldn’t have gone any better. I couldn’t have been more blessed. The Lord’s presence was so strong. Even my recovery this time around has been wonderful. No complications. Soon, I’ll be back to normal. And you can be sure that I will be singing His praises in church this Sunday! I believe that everything that happened in the hospital was only possible with God. I didn’t have Him seven years ago, but I have Him now and I will never let Him go. I am grateful to know that He will never let me go either.

In this past year alone, I have learned to pray powerfully and I have learned to pray with the faith that God can do anything. I pray in the name of Jesus and I believe that when I pray for healing that it will be done. I have been healed physically more than once this year. God is the God of miracles! I believe that with all my being. I am so grateful that I didn’t give up on God. I hope more people will be encouraged to pray with this kind of faith. Imagine all that God can do with that!

No matter what, I will always pray with the faith and belief that God will heal. Even if the healing doesn’t come, I won’t give up. I turn every challenge into an opportunity to grow closer to Him. My faith is so strong. I pray for His will to be done. I will always believe in His miracles. He has been so powerful in my life in this short time I’ve been walking with Him and I want more people to experience His power like I have. I pray He uses my life to help people learn to grow closer to Him. I know that once He reaches them, they will never want to go back to the way they were and that is so exciting to think about.

Thanks for taking the time to read this story. I hope you will think it’s worth sharing with someone who may need some hope and encouragement to never give up on God and to pray with faith and the belief that He can do anything…because He can. My life is proof of that!

To God be the glory. Amen. ♥