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Trading Beer Bottles for Bibles: Discovering a New Kind of Thirst ♥

Debbie B. 4 Comments

Just had to share that this is my third summer of being sober…wow…Praise God!  I am definitely stronger now, but I still want to be careful not to mess up.  I guess the summer brings back a lot of memories of my struggle.  This used to be the time of year when I would drink the most (at least until the depression became severe, then it was whenever). In addition to stress triggers, I’d have other triggers such as warm weather which would make me crave ice cold beer.  Of course it would be pointless to just have one or two.  When I drank, it was to get high (and eventually to ease the pain).  One or two wasn’t nearly enough for that. Watching sports on TV with the old boyfriend would be another trigger.  Sunday’s weren’t spent in church, they were spent on the couch watching football and drinking through the last evening game.  No wonder why I used to hate Monday’s so much.  It’s truly amazing that I would make it to work the next day.  I thank God for taking it all away…the cravings, the depression, and yes, the old boyfriend (unhealthy/ungodly relationship).  If I was going to have a new beginning with God, it just needed to be me and God.  No distractions.  I knew in my heart that it was going to be the only way that I would be able to truly change.  I was right.  The Lord has done incredible things since I gave my life to Him. I am so in awe of all He has done.

When the Lord first sobered me up, I remember so clearly those first few months of sobriety. I was wondering if I would be able to continue on the right path. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep it up. I wasn’t in any kind of recovery program, and even worse, I wasn’t yet connected to the Lord like I am today.  He was just starting to break through in my life and I didn’t yet have an understanding of His amazing power.  What God has done in my life are true miracles. He has helped me with breakthrough after breakthrough.  To think it all started with a rock bottom cry out to Him for help.  

I must say that I am so proud of my progress thus far. I have worked so hard at putting into practice, wonderful godly principles that I have learned from great Christian ministers and authors over the last couple of years. I have learned from the best through books and through audios with amazing messages.  I’ve taken classes in ministry school and classes through church.  Basically, I was taking advantage of every opportunity to learn and I would just soak it all up.  It’s something I continue to do today.  I love that I have become a life-long learner.  I think this only worked as well as it did because I reached a point where I was finally ready to change.  I was so tired of just barely surviving life.  I was done with coming up with excuses for why I couldn’t change. I really felt I was dying a slow and painful death and I needed to do something very soon before it was too late. 

I’m so thankful for the teachable spirit that the Lord has given me.  Putting godly principles into practice is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week effort.  Just like seeking God is.  It’s all more than worth the effort. I gave up going out with friends that like to drink and I cut way back on watching television.  I don’t even watch many sports anymore.  I lost the desire to.  I think God took that away because there are some triggers that will always be there.  I pay attention to the scores now and then, but that’s about it.  I know I am safe as long as I am with people who don’t drink.  The majority of people I spend my time with now are those who also love and seek the Lord as much as I do.  That’s where I feel the most comfortable.  I am so grateful for them. They keep me grounded and they keep me out of trouble. That’s what I crave now—the company of godly friends. God has given me a wonderful church family. 

It certainly is paying off after almost two and a half years because I can say that I am no longer in survival mode. I’m living the best life possible and the Lord is leading each step I take.  My life is all about God and it is such a wonderful way to finally be living.  It is true living.  I’ve said in earlier posts that this journey is not an easy life.  This takes a lot of commitment and hard work, but it is a truly blessed life. The indescribable joy and peace that only God can fill my heart with, is beyond amazing.  I can’t imagine living without Him ever again…EVER.  I am so grateful for learning how to stay connected to God all day, every day.  I love my life.  Every time I say that, my heart just melts because not too long ago I was just about done with this life.  Thank God for second chances!  Thank God for His power to change!

I am thrilled that I have traded my beer bottles for Bibles.  In the last couple of years, I’ve collected different types of Study Bibles and other materials so I can dig deeper into God’s Word.  I am learning so much and I just can’t get enough of Him. The Lord has removed my old unhealthy desires and has replaced them with godly ones—He saved my life, and the least I can do is live it for Him. 

It is my hope that this will encourage anyone who is tired of the way they’re living to put down any vices and seek Jesus above all else—no matter what the cost.  I have done this and trust me, it is worth it.  Don’t try to work God into your life, you’ll keep coming up with excuses as to why you don’t have time for Him.  Instead, work your life around Him.  Keep Him in the center always.  If you do this, just watch what He does in your life—get ready for an incredible journey!

Bless you! Let’s stay thirsty for Jesus!!! ♥

A true story about the power of God in a broken life of depression and drunkenness

Debbie B. 2 Comments

There’s so much brokenness around me, I felt I needed to write again about depression and the drunkenness that can come with it.  I know not everyone can relate to it, but I believe there’s someone out there who needs to hear this. It’s also about how God reached down and changed it all by turning a life filled with hopelessness and emptiness into a life filled with everlasting joy that only He can give. A life filled with hope and purpose. I pray that it gives someone out there needing God’s hand to move in their life much encouragement. His power is real.

It was 2010, around 2:00 one February morning when she was suddenly awakened by her heart going haywire inside of her chest. The symptoms were very familiar as she had lived with them for about 17 years of her adult life. It began sometime after she started drinking heavily. It was never actually said or proven that drinking was the cause of the symptoms. They told her it was a possibility, but she never knew for sure. She figures the drinking definitely didn’t help, but that didn’t stop her. There were several things that should have stopped her from drinking, but she was too deep into the pit. Only God would be able to pull her out…when she was ready.

It took the doctors a long time, but they finally diagnosed her with a minor heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). It’s not life threatening, but it can cause wear and tear on the heart. The symptoms would wipe her out for a day or so. It was more a huge inconvenience than anything to her.  In 2005, the SVT had finally been corrected by an ablation—a procedure where they took a catheter, went in through the groin, into a vein, took it up into the heart, and basically burned off extra nerves that were in there causing the crazy heart rhythms (at least that’s how the doctor at that time had explained it to her).  After the procedure, she had been symptom free for five years…until that one dark morning after what turned out to be the morning after her final evening of binge drinking.

The symptoms returned and they were extremely severe. Because she had lived with it for so long, she knew how to stay calm and knew the different things to try that usually made the irregular heart beat jump back into normal rhythm. However, this time it was different. Nothing she tried worked. She had been told in the past not to wait too long before seeking medical attention, but she’s very stubborn. She tried for an hour to handle it herself, but she started getting too weak and the nurse she had been speaking to on the phone convinced her to get to the emergency room. To slow the heart rate, usually all that was needed was an IV with some meds. Eventually, it would get back to normal and she would be released.

But once again, this time it was different. The medical staff in the ER couldn’t get it to slow down at all. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She kept wondering why nothing was working this time.  She never had to stay overnight in the hospital for this condition before, except when they did the procedure to fix it.  It was difficult for her to have to share with the doctor that she had done some binge drinking the night before.  She didn’t say anything about the severe depression because she didn’t remember feeling depressed at that time. The alcohol did its job and she was numb. After several hours of no progress, they finally admitted her into the cardiac care unit.

This is when she thinks that God was really giving her a major wake up call to wise up and change her destructive lifestyle. She thinks she was running out of chances and started to see that there were some significant warning signs, maybe slightly smaller wake up calls that were leading up to that last episode, but she had been ignoring them. This warning sign however, it seems God finally broke through and made sure she couldn’t ignore it. She was finally ready to listen. She knew in her troubled heart that if she didn’t do something to change her ways soon, she’d either end up in jail or dead.  Soon, she would be alone in a hospital room where she would find herself crying out to God for help. Rock bottom finally came…

As I laid there in the hospital room all alone and not so drunk anymore, I started to think about why I was there. I had nobody but myself to blame.  I had been depressed and a drinker for so long, I was very tired.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I used to pray many nights crying out to a God I didn’t know, asking Him to take my life (thank God for unanswered prayers).  So there I was in the hospital room seeking God sincerely with my whole heart for the first time.  I realized that I really didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t think I was going to die there in that room, but I felt that if I didn’t stop drinking and change my ways that I’d be dead before 50—I had just turned 44 the night before.  I had sure made a big mess of my life, but the Lord reached down when I cried out to Him. He helped me to clean up my mess and He delivered me from the depression and drinking…He set the captive free just like He promises to.

These are amazing miracles in my life that I try sharing with all who will listen. God is the God of miracles and breakthroughs and He’s using my life to show what He can do with a willing heart. Looking back, I now consider my old life a blessed mess because of what He’s doing with it now. Today, I’m grateful I can say it’s no longer a mess, it’s just extremely blessed. I’ll be honest and say it hasn’t been an easy life, but it is definitely a blessed one. I will spend the rest of my days trying to reach out to others hoping I can help them reach out to God like I did. I pray I can help them find hope in Him. I also pray that more people will open their hearts to Him because what He has done for me, He will do for anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart. I truly believe that.

Friends, for anyone struggling out there, you are not alone. Never give up on God. I am so glad that I didn’t.  May God speak to you and bless you through this story…after all, it’s His story! ♥

Some heartfelt words about depression…

Debbie B. 6 Comments

There was a young girl whose world suddenly fell apart when she was a teenager. Her dad, whom she was very close to growing up, decided to leave the family. He didn’t want to be married to her mother any longer. Because her mom couldn’t afford the mortgage, they had no choice but to move out of the house and sell it before they lost it. It was the only house she had ever really known. She was only four years old when they first moved in. They scrambled to find a place to live close by so that she could finish out her last couple of years of high school with her class. People they didn’t know were helping them move, so things got lost (probably stolen) and some things that had no value to the strangers who were helping (like family and childhood memories), probably got trashed. It was one of the scariest and saddest moments of her life. She already had low self-esteem from being an overweight kid. We all know how cruel kids can be to each other. But after her dad left her, she felt abandoned and unloved. Things gradually went downhill from there. Sure her mom loved her dearly, she was thankful for that, but her daddy just up and left like she was nothing. Of course as an adult she knows now that it wasn’t as simple as that, but that’s sure what it felt like for her at the time.

Soon after they were all moved into a small rented condo, she’ll never forget the day a relative had said to her: “Take care of your mother.”  She didn’t say it, but she thought to herself: “Take care of Mom?  But I’m just a kid, what about me?  I’m scared. Why doesn’t my dad love me anymore?  Why did he leave us like this?  Why is this happening?”  She always felt scared in her new surroundings. The condo units were all upstairs and the bottom portions were carports.  There was one evening that someone lit one of the vehicles on fire across the way. It wasn’t a large complex so it was pretty close. It was completely engulfed in flames and there was a young couple with a small child who lived directly above it.  It was horrifying to see. She’ll never forget the fear she felt for that family as well as for herself and her mom in such a strange and unsecured place. She was helpless. She felt hopeless. There were many sleepless nights in that place. She had to grow up very quickly to help pay rent and bills. That was the beginning of a lifetime of depression for this girl which eventually turned into heavy drinking as an adult to help ease her emotional pain.

I guess from previous posts anybody can figure out that this story is about me.  Not sure why I’m sharing it in this manner, I just had it on my heart for some reason. Depression can sure be difficult to understand.  As someone who was severely depressed for a very long time, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fully understand it myself. I’m sure not having the Lord in my life at that time was a big reason for it.  But there are people who do have the Lord in their life and still suffer from it.  If it’s hard for someone like me to understand, then it must be impossible for people who have never experienced it first-hand to understand it. Maybe something I share in this post will help someone cope better with it. Maybe it’ll give someone out there some hope.

I can only speak from my own experience of course, but I think when people don’t know what to say in difficult life-changing situations, I believe those are the times that it is best not to say anything at all. I think it’s a good time to try to share God with them if they don’t know Him, but most times it’s a good idea to just be there quietly for them.  Sometimes being there quietly means more than any words anyone can think of saying.

Some people might suggest counseling. I attempted to get counseling one time in my twenties and it was a horrible experience. I never went back. I never thought of looking for a Christian counselor…I think that would have helped.  Looking back now, I wish I would have had ANY godly person in my life teaching me to reach out to God for help during such a scary time. It was years before I ever heard the words “God loves you, you are the apple of His eye” or “There is hope in Jesus.”  Maybe what might have helped me back then would have been having someone to talk to about how I was truly feeling inside without worrying that I’ll be judged, or worrying about the person trying to give advice I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t have anybody at all that I felt I could open up to and I definitely didn’t have God because I didn’t ever get to know Him when I was young. I didn’t know anybody who knew Him.

What I experienced in my darkest days of depression was that sometimes people felt they needed to say something to try to make me feel better. Their hearts were in the right place, but just coming up with something to say doesn’t help.  Most times, we don’t want someone to give advice or to say anything, we just want someone to listen with a sincere heart and just be there making it a safe place to share our troubles. It’s good to get things out so we’re not letting negative things build up inside of us. That’s what happened to me and that is a dangerous place to be. I grew tired of living and was tormented by thoughts of suicide. Sometimes we just need a hug, maybe even a shoulder to cry on. For me, I know it would have helped to have someone to just listen and love me anyway–I didn’t want feedback. When we are deeply depressed and walking in darkness, having people tell us things about why we shouldn’t be depressed is not going to be helpful, it’s especially not helpful to hear about it from people who don’t know what the depression is like. It just makes the person feel worse and even more worthless so they end up keeping it all inside.  What we need is God and only God. If someone could have pointed me in that direction, that would have been a good start for me.  Well, it was a good start for me, but it took two decades before it happened–better late than never.  I am extremely thankful. We need to also remember that sometimes God uses doctors and medication to help us.  We need to remember that He heals different people in different ways. Bottom line is we can’t get through this without the Lord’s help.

I’ll be honest and say that I occasionally still feel like I’m battling with sadness. Thankfully, it’s nothing like before. When I feel it coming on, I reach for the Lord to help me. I reach out in gratitude. I pray and I praise Him even when it seems hard to do, but I do it.  I trust Him to carry me through and He does. I am blessed with so many godly people in my life now who help me stay connected to Him. God does His part, but I’ve got to make sure that I keep doing my part.  He’s not a genie in the sky. I don’t sit here doing nothing expecting Him to make it all better.  I am determined to never go back to the devil’s pit and I do everything I can to make sure that never happens again.

Well, I can’t go back in time and change my story. Honestly, after everything that God has done, I wouldn’t want to. He is now using it all for His good purpose. My life is challenging, but very exciting. I am honored and super blessed by what He is doing in and through me to help others.

I’m praying for those who suffer from depression as well as for those who are watching loved ones suffer from it. All I can say is to keep reaching out to God for help. Trust Him to carry you through and NEVER give up. Remember that it is His will, His way, His time. Be encouraged. If I can overcome depression and drinking with Jesus’ help, then so can you. Imagine the great things He will do in and through you!  Keep seeking Him friends, He’ll meet you right where you are. If you follow my lead and keep on keeping on no matter what, you will be absolutely amazed at what He does in your life and I hope you will share it with others!

God bless. ♥

Learning to live a sober life…

Debbie B. 7 Comments

It sure is not an easy thing to just be starting in my forties.  It’s hard learning to live when you spend a lot of time alone. It’s hard to break away from being a loner.  That’s all I’ve known for too many years of avoiding people.  I got very used to keeping to myself.  I am a true introvert.  And what makes it worse, a shy one.

I have a real difficult time in social gatherings.  I spent this past Sunday at a park for a picnic with my church. It was a beautiful day.  I got some practice photography in and managed to capture a few good shots that showed some beautiful hearts for God.  It was a blessed time of fellowship.  However, it was not easy for me to be there at first. I don’t think most people would have been able to guess that the morning was a rough start for me.  I felt so anxious I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t go. But, I really love these people so I knew I had to just deal with it. I’m glad I did of course because in time I was fine.  It’s so interesting to me that I’m okay with the same people when we do outreaches.  Even though I get nervous, it’s completely different.  It must be the servant heart that the Lord has given me.  I really do have a passion to serve Him and to reach others for Him.  I’m sure in time I’ll overcome this social challenge with His help.

I’ve never been comfortable socially in large groups.  Put me in a large group for a work meeting and have me speak in front of all of them about things I know, no problem.  But put me with that same group to just be social?  That’s definitely a problem.  What used to get me through those situations was drinking.  Not only was alcohol my medicine to numb the pain of depression, it was also my liquid courage.  I wasn’t so shy when I drank.  Drinking calmed my nerves and made me comfortable in my own skin.

I thank God that I am no longer tempted to drink, but I make sure I don’t put myself in situations that may cause me to slip up.  Even though I’m much stronger now, I can see how easy it would be. All it would take is just one sip to destroy everything that God has done. There’s just too much to lose to take that kind of chance so if I’m invited to an event where there’s going to be alcohol, I usually turn it down.  If I do go, it’s not for long.  I just simply prefer not to be around it if I can help it.  Some people understand, and some people don’t. I can’t worry about that. I have to do whatever it takes to make sure I stay sober.

Doing things like that are great but I don’t think it’s enough.  One of the greatest things I’ve learned to do is to build a team of godly people to help me stay accountable.  God has blessed me with an incredible team.  They sure inspire me to keep pressing forward and they keep me out of trouble.  I love spending time with them.

It’s been a little over two years, but I’m barely getting started on this new life the Lord has given me.  While I was writing this, I realized I never really learned how to live before sobriety.  I was too depressed and intoxicated to live. I can see that this is going to take a bit of time.

Well, I just felt like I needed to share what’s on my heart tonight. Maybe someone out there can relate to this.  I will just keep doing what I’m doing…holding on to hope and holding on to God one step at a time, one day at a time, and praise Him for victory!

“You can’t run away from yourself…”

Debbie B. 6 Comments

A dear sister friend told me that (or something like it) when I told her I felt like running away.  Those words woke me up. I was feeling super overwhelmed by the spiritual and emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on lately.  I was thinking that if I could just go somewhere else where nobody knows me there’d be less pressure to…well, I don’t even know what to tell you the truth.  Apparently, I really wasn’t thinking. I took my focus off of Jesus and got overwhelmed.  What would I really be running away from?  I’d be running away from all the good things keeping me on track, that’s all. So very glad my friend helped me to snap out of it and refocus!

I really can’t run away from myself, and I certainly can’t run away from God. There is no hiding from Him.  Not to mention that it would be such a dangerous thing for a formerly depressed alcoholic like me to do. If I were to run away to a place where nobody knows me, then I’ve lost my godly team of people keeping me accountable. There’s just too much to lose by running away. I know the enemy was hoping I’d open a door for him again, but it didn’t happen. God is keeping me strong and I’m so thankful to Him for the people He has placed in my life to help me stay the course. 

This year has been the most challenging year of my sober life. The closer I grow to God, the more I seek and serve Him, the more the enemy tries to trip me up. I was feeling pretty weak for that moment, but my friend blessed me with her words and prayer, and I continue to take one day at a time holding on tightly to the Lord—I’m still standing. I know I can’t walk this journey without my godly friends. God placed them in my life for a reason and I am grateful for every one of them. 

So for anyone out there who might be feeling overwhelmed by life and you’re thinking you’d like to run away, don’t do it.  I’ll say to you what my friend said to me…You can’t run away from yourself.  Here’s a quote from Confucius that you can think about as well: “No matter where you go, there you are.” 🙂  So you see, we might as well stay where we are and keep on pressing forward with God’s help. 

Stay strong in the Lord friends, He’ll carry you through it all if you let Him.  Make sure you have godly friends you can turn to when you’re struggling. I can’t say enough how extremely important that is.

Bless you! ♥