Tag Faith

“If only…” Living with and learning from a BIG regret.

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Out of all the poor choices I have made in the past…out of all the mistakes that I have regretted in life…if only I could go back and change just one thing, it would be to share what God has done in my life with a friend before he died. 

This is another difficult post for me but I believe the Lord wants me to put it out there to encourage someone so they don’t miss out like I did.  If I could help just one person avoid living with this kind of regret, then putting my heart out there like this is more than worth it to me. 

Tuesday, July 17th, marks the one year anniversary of the death of a friend who was killed in a small plane crash with the love of his life. It’s hard to believe it’s going to be a year since two young lives were cut so short. My friend’s name was Brian. We became friends through work and he was more like a goofy little brother to me (my “little” brother was 6’7” tall!).  We worked closely on a team for about six years or so and he kept me laughing much of the time.  Brian knew my job got tough at times so once in a while he’d come by my desk to make me laugh or to just see how I was doing.  He was a good guy and I sure miss him.

It’s amazing to me that although we became close and talked a lot, not once did I ever feel like I needed to share with him about my life as a depressed alcoholic. Nobody really knew about it so maybe that’s why I never thought about bringing it up.  When God intervened in my life and started to turn me around, Brian had no idea.  I never told him. Again, I never thought about it.  I told very few people at the beginning. At that time I wasn’t ready to share too much about my personal life with people I worked with. When the shocking news of Brian’s death came, I took it very hard.  For a while, I would beat myself up for never saying anything about God to him.  I realized that I never knew where he was spiritually. I honestly don’t know why sharing God with him never crossed my mind.  I still feel horrible not knowing, but I do have hope that he knew the Lord. It’s too late to do anything about it now, so all I can do is hold onto hope—hope that I will see him in heaven when I get there. 

I have certainly learned from this mistake.  I don’t ever want this to happen again. Now I share about what God is doing in my life with anybody who will listen.  The greatest thing about it is that God seems to work that out nicely for me. I find that when I share, it’s usually because someone will say or ask something that opens the door for me to share.  I never feel the need to force myself on anybody.   

I will always regret that I missed my opportunity with Brian, but I must say I’m grateful that it wasn’t like I had felt prompted to share and ignored that prompt. I know that would have made it much worse and so much more difficult for me to get past.  I’ve had a tremendous amount of spiritual growth in the past year and now I live my life for opportunities to get out there and share God’s love with people as much as possible.  I’ve stopped beating myself up over this mistake.  God has helped me to move forward and to do better. 

Friends, is there someone in your life that you’ve been hesitating to share the Lord with? I want to encourage you to just do it. Don’t wait. There’s no better time than now.  I know many times it requires us to step way out of our comfort zone and we take the chance of getting laughed at, rejected, etc., but please learn from my regret and don’t lose your opportunity like I did.   

I’d much rather be laughed at or rejected or take whatever might happen than live with this “If only” regret ever again. 

God is beyond amazing and we need to share about Him!!!!

Some heartfelt words about depression…

Debbie B. 6 Comments

There was a young girl whose world suddenly fell apart when she was a teenager. Her dad, whom she was very close to growing up, decided to leave the family. He didn’t want to be married to her mother any longer. Because her mom couldn’t afford the mortgage, they had no choice but to move out of the house and sell it before they lost it. It was the only house she had ever really known. She was only four years old when they first moved in. They scrambled to find a place to live close by so that she could finish out her last couple of years of high school with her class. People they didn’t know were helping them move, so things got lost (probably stolen) and some things that had no value to the strangers who were helping (like family and childhood memories), probably got trashed. It was one of the scariest and saddest moments of her life. She already had low self-esteem from being an overweight kid. We all know how cruel kids can be to each other. But after her dad left her, she felt abandoned and unloved. Things gradually went downhill from there. Sure her mom loved her dearly, she was thankful for that, but her daddy just up and left like she was nothing. Of course as an adult she knows now that it wasn’t as simple as that, but that’s sure what it felt like for her at the time.

Soon after they were all moved into a small rented condo, she’ll never forget the day a relative had said to her: “Take care of your mother.”  She didn’t say it, but she thought to herself: “Take care of Mom?  But I’m just a kid, what about me?  I’m scared. Why doesn’t my dad love me anymore?  Why did he leave us like this?  Why is this happening?”  She always felt scared in her new surroundings. The condo units were all upstairs and the bottom portions were carports.  There was one evening that someone lit one of the vehicles on fire across the way. It wasn’t a large complex so it was pretty close. It was completely engulfed in flames and there was a young couple with a small child who lived directly above it.  It was horrifying to see. She’ll never forget the fear she felt for that family as well as for herself and her mom in such a strange and unsecured place. She was helpless. She felt hopeless. There were many sleepless nights in that place. She had to grow up very quickly to help pay rent and bills. That was the beginning of a lifetime of depression for this girl which eventually turned into heavy drinking as an adult to help ease her emotional pain.

I guess from previous posts anybody can figure out that this story is about me.  Not sure why I’m sharing it in this manner, I just had it on my heart for some reason. Depression can sure be difficult to understand.  As someone who was severely depressed for a very long time, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fully understand it myself. I’m sure not having the Lord in my life at that time was a big reason for it.  But there are people who do have the Lord in their life and still suffer from it.  If it’s hard for someone like me to understand, then it must be impossible for people who have never experienced it first-hand to understand it. Maybe something I share in this post will help someone cope better with it. Maybe it’ll give someone out there some hope.

I can only speak from my own experience of course, but I think when people don’t know what to say in difficult life-changing situations, I believe those are the times that it is best not to say anything at all. I think it’s a good time to try to share God with them if they don’t know Him, but most times it’s a good idea to just be there quietly for them.  Sometimes being there quietly means more than any words anyone can think of saying.

Some people might suggest counseling. I attempted to get counseling one time in my twenties and it was a horrible experience. I never went back. I never thought of looking for a Christian counselor…I think that would have helped.  Looking back now, I wish I would have had ANY godly person in my life teaching me to reach out to God for help during such a scary time. It was years before I ever heard the words “God loves you, you are the apple of His eye” or “There is hope in Jesus.”  Maybe what might have helped me back then would have been having someone to talk to about how I was truly feeling inside without worrying that I’ll be judged, or worrying about the person trying to give advice I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t have anybody at all that I felt I could open up to and I definitely didn’t have God because I didn’t ever get to know Him when I was young. I didn’t know anybody who knew Him.

What I experienced in my darkest days of depression was that sometimes people felt they needed to say something to try to make me feel better. Their hearts were in the right place, but just coming up with something to say doesn’t help.  Most times, we don’t want someone to give advice or to say anything, we just want someone to listen with a sincere heart and just be there making it a safe place to share our troubles. It’s good to get things out so we’re not letting negative things build up inside of us. That’s what happened to me and that is a dangerous place to be. I grew tired of living and was tormented by thoughts of suicide. Sometimes we just need a hug, maybe even a shoulder to cry on. For me, I know it would have helped to have someone to just listen and love me anyway–I didn’t want feedback. When we are deeply depressed and walking in darkness, having people tell us things about why we shouldn’t be depressed is not going to be helpful, it’s especially not helpful to hear about it from people who don’t know what the depression is like. It just makes the person feel worse and even more worthless so they end up keeping it all inside.  What we need is God and only God. If someone could have pointed me in that direction, that would have been a good start for me.  Well, it was a good start for me, but it took two decades before it happened–better late than never.  I am extremely thankful. We need to also remember that sometimes God uses doctors and medication to help us.  We need to remember that He heals different people in different ways. Bottom line is we can’t get through this without the Lord’s help.

I’ll be honest and say that I occasionally still feel like I’m battling with sadness. Thankfully, it’s nothing like before. When I feel it coming on, I reach for the Lord to help me. I reach out in gratitude. I pray and I praise Him even when it seems hard to do, but I do it.  I trust Him to carry me through and He does. I am blessed with so many godly people in my life now who help me stay connected to Him. God does His part, but I’ve got to make sure that I keep doing my part.  He’s not a genie in the sky. I don’t sit here doing nothing expecting Him to make it all better.  I am determined to never go back to the devil’s pit and I do everything I can to make sure that never happens again.

Well, I can’t go back in time and change my story. Honestly, after everything that God has done, I wouldn’t want to. He is now using it all for His good purpose. My life is challenging, but very exciting. I am honored and super blessed by what He is doing in and through me to help others.

I’m praying for those who suffer from depression as well as for those who are watching loved ones suffer from it. All I can say is to keep reaching out to God for help. Trust Him to carry you through and NEVER give up. Remember that it is His will, His way, His time. Be encouraged. If I can overcome depression and drinking with Jesus’ help, then so can you. Imagine the great things He will do in and through you!  Keep seeking Him friends, He’ll meet you right where you are. If you follow my lead and keep on keeping on no matter what, you will be absolutely amazed at what He does in your life and I hope you will share it with others!

God bless. ♥

Learning to live a sober life…

Debbie B. 7 Comments

It sure is not an easy thing to just be starting in my forties.  It’s hard learning to live when you spend a lot of time alone. It’s hard to break away from being a loner.  That’s all I’ve known for too many years of avoiding people.  I got very used to keeping to myself.  I am a true introvert.  And what makes it worse, a shy one.

I have a real difficult time in social gatherings.  I spent this past Sunday at a park for a picnic with my church. It was a beautiful day.  I got some practice photography in and managed to capture a few good shots that showed some beautiful hearts for God.  It was a blessed time of fellowship.  However, it was not easy for me to be there at first. I don’t think most people would have been able to guess that the morning was a rough start for me.  I felt so anxious I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t go. But, I really love these people so I knew I had to just deal with it. I’m glad I did of course because in time I was fine.  It’s so interesting to me that I’m okay with the same people when we do outreaches.  Even though I get nervous, it’s completely different.  It must be the servant heart that the Lord has given me.  I really do have a passion to serve Him and to reach others for Him.  I’m sure in time I’ll overcome this social challenge with His help.

I’ve never been comfortable socially in large groups.  Put me in a large group for a work meeting and have me speak in front of all of them about things I know, no problem.  But put me with that same group to just be social?  That’s definitely a problem.  What used to get me through those situations was drinking.  Not only was alcohol my medicine to numb the pain of depression, it was also my liquid courage.  I wasn’t so shy when I drank.  Drinking calmed my nerves and made me comfortable in my own skin.

I thank God that I am no longer tempted to drink, but I make sure I don’t put myself in situations that may cause me to slip up.  Even though I’m much stronger now, I can see how easy it would be. All it would take is just one sip to destroy everything that God has done. There’s just too much to lose to take that kind of chance so if I’m invited to an event where there’s going to be alcohol, I usually turn it down.  If I do go, it’s not for long.  I just simply prefer not to be around it if I can help it.  Some people understand, and some people don’t. I can’t worry about that. I have to do whatever it takes to make sure I stay sober.

Doing things like that are great but I don’t think it’s enough.  One of the greatest things I’ve learned to do is to build a team of godly people to help me stay accountable.  God has blessed me with an incredible team.  They sure inspire me to keep pressing forward and they keep me out of trouble.  I love spending time with them.

It’s been a little over two years, but I’m barely getting started on this new life the Lord has given me.  While I was writing this, I realized I never really learned how to live before sobriety.  I was too depressed and intoxicated to live. I can see that this is going to take a bit of time.

Well, I just felt like I needed to share what’s on my heart tonight. Maybe someone out there can relate to this.  I will just keep doing what I’m doing…holding on to hope and holding on to God one step at a time, one day at a time, and praise Him for victory!

“You can’t run away from yourself…”

Debbie B. 6 Comments

A dear sister friend told me that (or something like it) when I told her I felt like running away.  Those words woke me up. I was feeling super overwhelmed by the spiritual and emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on lately.  I was thinking that if I could just go somewhere else where nobody knows me there’d be less pressure to…well, I don’t even know what to tell you the truth.  Apparently, I really wasn’t thinking. I took my focus off of Jesus and got overwhelmed.  What would I really be running away from?  I’d be running away from all the good things keeping me on track, that’s all. So very glad my friend helped me to snap out of it and refocus!

I really can’t run away from myself, and I certainly can’t run away from God. There is no hiding from Him.  Not to mention that it would be such a dangerous thing for a formerly depressed alcoholic like me to do. If I were to run away to a place where nobody knows me, then I’ve lost my godly team of people keeping me accountable. There’s just too much to lose by running away. I know the enemy was hoping I’d open a door for him again, but it didn’t happen. God is keeping me strong and I’m so thankful to Him for the people He has placed in my life to help me stay the course. 

This year has been the most challenging year of my sober life. The closer I grow to God, the more I seek and serve Him, the more the enemy tries to trip me up. I was feeling pretty weak for that moment, but my friend blessed me with her words and prayer, and I continue to take one day at a time holding on tightly to the Lord—I’m still standing. I know I can’t walk this journey without my godly friends. God placed them in my life for a reason and I am grateful for every one of them. 

So for anyone out there who might be feeling overwhelmed by life and you’re thinking you’d like to run away, don’t do it.  I’ll say to you what my friend said to me…You can’t run away from yourself.  Here’s a quote from Confucius that you can think about as well: “No matter where you go, there you are.” 🙂  So you see, we might as well stay where we are and keep on pressing forward with God’s help. 

Stay strong in the Lord friends, He’ll carry you through it all if you let Him.  Make sure you have godly friends you can turn to when you’re struggling. I can’t say enough how extremely important that is.

Bless you! ♥

“You can’t do it…It can’t be done.”

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Many of us have heard those discouraging words or something like them when we’ve shared a plan or a dream with someone.  I know it’s hard to press forward when we get friends and family telling us things like that. Sometimes they mean well, sometimes they don’t.  We even have the enemy whispering words like that to us to get us to give up before we even try.  I just want to say to you, don’t listen to anybody but Jesus!

For anyone out there who is feeling discouraged and hurt by those kind of words right now, be ENCOURAGED. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something that you have in your heart to do. If your desire is aligned with God’s will, you can’t go wrong. God’s purpose will prevail! Don’t expect that it will be easy. Just believe and trust that it IS possible with God and that He will see you through. And no matter how long it takes or how difficult it becomes, NEVER give up.

Early on in this journey, I heard something from a great preacher that I’d like to share. It goes something like this: “If anyone tells you that it can’t be done, your immediate response should be ‘Watch me! Watch me, in Jesus’ name!’”  I never forgot that, and I hope you will never forget it either.

Here’s something else you can remember when you start to feel discouraged, of course it’s just one of many: “’If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Mark 9:23 (NIV)

So again, be encouraged friends. Let’s keep on keeping on for God’s glory! ♥