Tag Answered Prayers

Where’s God when I’m hurting? (Hard lessons learned while desperately seeking God through the pain…)

Debbie B. Leave a comment

I learn things the hard way many times and because I have a call on my life to share my heart no matter how uncomfortable being vulnerable is, here I go again…I was listening to “Your Presence Is Heaven To Me” by Israel Houghton. It’s a great song. It made me think about the rough patch that I’ve been in the middle of and how I’ve been desperate for the Lord’s presence and have not felt Him much lately. I know the truth. One of His greatest promises is that He will never leave nor forsake us and I’ve been holding on to that, but the struggle has continued anyway. The enemy loves when I struggle for a good amount of time because he knows I grow tired. That’s his perfect opportunity to get through with his lies: “God isn’t with you” or “You are no good”, or “God is no longer pleased with you”, things like that. They are horrible thoughts and are flat out lies — THE DEVIL IS A LIAR. But when your challenges linger on and seem like they’ll never end, it’s hard not to start doubting that God is near. I’ve become a strong woman of God, but even I have moments of wondering if He’s mad and has walked away from me. What can I say…I’m only human.

I’ve had a very difficult time feeling my feelings now that I live a sober life. Feelings are the worst part of my sobriety, but thankfully I don’t dread them enough to throw my life away again. I’m super grateful that I don’t make things worse by trading out my old addiction (alcohol) for something else that could numb me out. Those days are long gone. Suffering with God wins over suffering without Him every time and it amazes me that not everybody chooses to live that way. There are times when I really need to feel God, but can’t. And what I don’t want to feel (like way too many emotions), I feel. It’s been a tough battle lately but I’m finally winning this latest one. I am grateful that each time this happens and I persevere, the Lord continues to turn my battles into blessings. He’ll do that for anyone who puts their entire life in His hands.

I’m learning so much through my journey with my Lord Jesus. Every trial I’ve been through has prepared me for the next one. Each one has been tougher than the last. But if I hadn’t gone through what I’ve gone through in the last couple of years, I don’t think I’d still be standing right now. And because I was taught early on in my journey to surround myself with godly people (those I consider my human angels sent to me from God Himself), I am able to remain steadfast. There’s no way I’d ever make it without them. (You all know who you are and I am incredibly grateful for every single one of you.) Nobody should ever try to walk this walk alone. Not ever.

I think God just showed me today that the reason I haven’t been able to feel Him lately is because a barrier had come between me and Him. He’s been there all along, just as He has promised, but the barrier became too much for me to be able to sense Him. I think He wants me to share that the barrier came because I allowed worry, fear, and doubt (just to name a few) to enter my heart. No wonder why the presence of God was suddenly being blocked as well as His peace, and all the other great things He wants to bless me with. He also showed me that through this whole time I’ve been seeking His presence and was thinking He wasn’t anywhere near, that He was really there through all the people He moved to reach out to me through phone calls, text messages, emails, hugs, etc. So many words of encouragement and prayer have reached my heart reminding me that I am good, I am loved, and God is with me. Even the prayers that I wasn’t aware of have reached and have blessed me. Wow. His presence through His people and I was missing it! Not anymore. My eyes and heart have been opened once again and God’s mighty and powerful hand is on me helping me to break the barriers. I’m sooooooo grateful.

I make a lot of mistakes on this journey that cause me to fall, but I’m learning through each of them. I keep getting up and dusting myself off and with God’s help I keep pressing forward no matter how hard it gets. I hope that someone else going through a rough patch who’s thinking that God has forsaken them will read this and think again. I want to encourage you to seek God’s help to recognize and break down any barriers that may be from worry, fear, or any other weapon of distraction by the enemy — it only takes a tiny bit. We need to keep trusting in God even when we can’t feel Him. God’s Word is Truth, it’s not about feelings. That is a hard lesson that I have had to learn over and over again, but I think I’m finally catching on. I’ll always be a work in progress, but at least I’m headed in the right direction. And even though my challenge isn’t over yet, I’m choosing to believe that it will be coming to an end soon for I know God is going to get me to the other side of it because He’s not finished with me yet.

I have all kinds of words of God pouring from my heart right now but I think this is what He wants me to share at this very moment for someone out there going through a tough time — this one is helping me a great deal: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” (Isaiah 43:1-3) Wow. That is a powerful and comforting Word from God. Can I get an AMEN?

“Lord Jesus, Your Presence really is heaven to me and I pray it is to many, many more. Please help us to see and break down the barriers that are blocking Your amazing blessings from pouring in. Thank You, Lord!”

May God bless you through this heartfelt message (that wasn’t so easy to write). 🙂

When I found Hope in the midst of my darkest day…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

Many people are struggling with depression, loneliness, emptiness, and other difficult situations that bring heaviness to the heart — especially during the holiday season. It’s a sad truth. I’m so amazed by it because when I was there, I could swear it was just me. Now I can see that it affects so many different people in so many different circumstances. More than I ever could have imagined. It breaks my heart to see others suffer. I know the pain. I still deal with the occasional blues and occasional loneliness, but I’m so thankful that it’s nothing like it used to be. When I was deep in the middle of it, I really did believe that no one else could ever understand my pain so I hid it for as long as I could. I was convinced that something was very wrong with me and it would not be a good idea to let anybody know about it. It was a lie that I believed.

So here were are again. It’s Christmas time, and for most it’s the most wonderful time of year, right? (Darn, now I can hear that song starting to play in my head…) Unfortunately, for many it’s not. So at the risk of being called “Debbie Downer” by those who don’t get what it’s like to be like me and so many others, I thought this was a good time to share some more heartfelt words with the hope that a struggling heart will find THE Hope, the only Hope that can shine light in our darkness. It’s the only Hope that saves lives, and it’s the very Hope that saved my life.

We’re all different, but not so much once we reach a state of darkness. My darkness was depression and isolation. It doesn’t really matter how each of us get there, once we get there, I think we can relate to each other whether we go through similar situations or not. So I’m just wondering…when someone tears a hole in your heart, what do you do? How many times do you allow it to happen? How do you react to it? For me, when I was a very lost soul with no self-worth or self-esteem, I would let it happen to me too many times. It took a few people to cause significant damage to my heart – the destruction of my soul. My dad leaving me at the age of 16 seemed to be the beginning of the end. That messed me up so much, the rest happened because I allowed it to. I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. I didn’t care enough about myself. I figured I didn’t deserve any better. I was a loser. There were so many hurts and tears in my heart I ended up with one giant hole. I was completely empty. I finally decided to put a wall up to protect my heart and keep people at a safe distance. I believed that if I did that, then no one would be able to hurt me ever again. I walked around like that for many years. One of the problems with that is that I didn’t do anything about the giant hole prior to putting up the wall. That was the worst thing I could have ever done. I needed healing and I didn’t get it. It caused many years of depression, isolation, and alcohol abuse to numb the pain as much as possible. The wall was not only keeping people out, it was keeping God out — complete separation from the only One who could ever rescue me from my darkness. I wonder how many reading this might be doing this very thing right now. I hope my personal testimony will speak to you and help you to realize the extra damage being done so that you can stop doing what I did and do something about it. It’s not too late.

I remember my old days of severe depression quite well. After all, it wasn’t that long ago when God made Himself real to me and delivered me from what I believe was a very slow and painful death. I remember the suffocating darkness and how alone I was for such a long time. I can’t blame anybody but myself. I made the choice to be a loner because I was too ashamed and maybe too proud to tell anyone I was hurting and needed help. And the longer I spent my days that way, the more convinced I became that there was absolutely no way out. The bottles — beer, wine, Malibu Rum…whatever…all became my companion. They all became my medicine. The only thing I knew to do was drink the pain away. Of course, that made things much worse. The more I drank, the more I needed to drink to keep the temporary peace going. Eventually, there was no peace at all. I drank more because it turned into a mission to kill myself. It was a losing battle from the very beginning. But when your soul is as lost as mine was, there’s nothing else. I’m sure the devil was thrilled that I believed that back then. The deeper I got into it, the less chance I had of reaching the only One who could save me – that was another lie from the devil that I truly believed when I was in a battle for my life. I wish I knew more about Jesus Christ when I was younger. I knew of Him, but I had no clue that He could save me in today’s world. I thought He was just a part of history. How sad is that. Well, it turns out that it didn’t matter how deep I was or for how long I was in the darkness, all I needed to do was cry out to Jesus. It took a rock bottom incident to make that happen (I’ve shared about it in earlier posts), but the only regret I have is not reaching rock bottom sooner than I did.

Sounds weird to say that doesn’t it – who really wants to get to rock bottom? Not anybody I know. But rock bottom is where I met Jesus for the first time in my entire life. It’s where I found out that He was real and had been waiting for me there. He’d been waiting because He knew it was going to be the only way. I was not going to be able to change my destructive way of living on my own. He knew it. I knew it. I have no reason to be in denial about it.

Even though some amazing miracles and breakthroughs started happening after surrendering my heart and giving up control of my life to Jesus at rock bottom, I used to think that I wanted to help people avoid rock bottom. There are different levels of it. Mine was significant for me, but it wasn’t as bad as others I’ve heard about. I honestly thought that helping others avoid it would be a good thing to do. But as I continue to grow stronger in my faith and in my sobriety — the more I am blessed to witness and experience miracle after miracle, I am seeing that people are not becoming as desperate as they need to be. It’s sad to see because at least for me, the choices I continued to make were very poor ones and I was living in absolute hell. I’ve been set free and I am so not enjoying watching others continue on that path. It literally breaks my heart. I’m grateful I surrendered! My way wasn’t working! I hope someone can see through this story that their own way is most likely not working for them either.

It took full surrender to God in order for Him to reach down and pull me out of the pit to save me. Surrender takes a huge daily effort on our part. We need to surrender every day. We’re human. It doesn’t come easy. We’ll never be perfect at it, but we can try every day and it really is doable. God sees the effort. I’ve been doing it (not perfectly) 24/7 since 2010 now. Life has been amazing. I’m ALIVE and more than well. I believe through my own experience that if we want to activate the hand of God in our lives, we need to give it all to Him. ALL OF IT.

We really, REALLY have to want to be made well. More than anything. And we have to be an active participant. That means a lot of hard and many times painful growing doing things we don’t want to do. It means losing things we are having a hard time letting go of. I know this because it’s what I had to do to get better. And, I am truly better today. I’ve been delivered from the severe depression, the isolation, the shame, the unforgiveness, the bitterness, the hurt, the abusive relationship, the alcohol abuse, you name it. I’ve been delivered from everything that was holding me back and being used to destroy my soul.

I have no regrets for my challenging new life. I see how God is using all the hard stuff for good. I have an incredible testimony that He has given me and I wouldn’t have it if I hadn’t gone through everything I’ve gone through. He has given me a divine purpose in life. A true reason to live. My desire is to be open and painfully vulnerable in sharing my story to help others. It’s hard to be vulnerable, it really can be painful and uncomfortable, but it’s worth it to me. I can’t keep the great things of God to myself. People need to know that He can help them too.

In just two months I’ll be celebrating five years of sobriety! That is such an incredible miracle in my life considering how I tried so many times to quit under my own power. I had suffered relapse after relapse. I abused alcohol for over 20 years. Once I reached rock bottom, God gave me the desire to seek Him with my whole heart. He gave me the power to quit drinking and the power to change everything about me. He took away the depression and the suicidal thoughts. I have not relapsed. I haven’t even come close — not one time. My sobriety is just one amazing ongoing miracle in my life. I have so much to write about, so many great things of God in my life to share, but this is it for now.

So that’s my story about when I was finally able to find Hope in the midst of my darkest day. It was life saving Hope — Jesus — my Rock at the bottom. It’s a day I will never ever regret. If you are where I used to be, I pray you will find Jesus waiting for you today. Whether we admit it or not, we are desperate people. That’s a good thing. So I want to encourage you to turn your desperation toward Jesus. And when you do, you will be starting a new and amazing journey upward.

I heard an encouraging message from my pastor this past Sunday and the theme of the message that I want to share with you is this: “Just when you thought all hope was gone — God sends a Savior” I thought my hope was gone. I thought it was too late for me, but my Savior came right on time. I believe your Savior will be right on time too. Actually He’s already there, He’s just waiting for you to call to Him with your whole heart.

Jesus is our only HOPE – the only Hope that never disappoints. May you also find His Hope — The Light — in your darkest days. God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Jesus said “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

Advent

I am a Recovering Alcoholic — Maybe I do want the chance to talk about it…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

My women’s Bible study group just finished the book of Proverbs. Since I’ve been on my sobriety journey with God for 4 years, 6 months, 19 days, and…sorry, I’ll stop there. I can’t help it. It’s just that I am beyond grateful for my life. Every day of sobriety means so much to me. Every day I am sober is a miracle from God since I had been drinking my life away for over 20 years and did not have the power to stop on my own.

Anyway, I am so amazed at how I’m noticing more and more the Scripture that speaks about the importance of being sober. It has never stood out so much to me until recently. I didn’t count the verses, but there were plenty that stood out in Proverbs alone. When we were touching on Chapter 20, the leader for that evening assumed it would be awkward or difficult for me to discuss the first verse so she was about to just pass over it. I have to say I was a little disappointed because earlier in the day I had done some studying on it and actually wanted to talk about it from my own experience. Thankfully, my pastor who knows me and my story very well didn’t let the moment pass me by. She wanted to hear what I had to say about that verse, so I am really grateful that I was given a chance to share. You know, it’s such a wonderful thing — the work that God is doing in me. I’ve gone from not wanting to talk about it, to maybe I should talk about it, to hey I think I REALLY NEED AND WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! Wow, only God…

So here’s Proverbs 20:1 from God’s Word Translation — “Wine makes people mock, liquor makes them noisy, and everyone under the influence is unwise.”  It seems that many think that one of the worse problems in our society today is the abuse of alcohol. I believe the abuse of alcohol is a symptom of a much greater problem. I’m speaking from my own experience. My greater problem was severe depression and tormenting thoughts of suicide. When I didn’t know God at all and didn’t know He was real, alcohol was my only way to get some relief. It was my medicine to relieve the pain. It was the poison that I was using to kill myself. But thank You Lord that today I don’t need it! I have absolutely no desire to drink, and the severe depression and suicidal thoughts are gone. I no longer need alcohol or anything else to numb myself out or to run away from reality. Years of doing that got me deeper and deeper into the pit of hell. That’s what alcohol and drugs do to us, I can see it clearly now. It’s pure evil. It separates us from God. It’s temporary peace that we receive from the devil. It’s the only way he can bring us peace. But I thank Jesus Christ, my Prince of Peace that I no longer reach for anything that only brings a quick and temporary fix. Instead, I reach for my Lord for His everlasting Peace. Every single time. It’s difficult to do, but I allow myself to feel my feelings and pain. By doing that, God not only helped me to overcome my addiction and depression, He has healed my hurting soul from the deep wounds that I had covered up all these years. My journey isn’t easy. I still deal with hurts and pain. I go through a lot of challenges that I now know are opportunities to grow closer to God. One of the greatest things I have learned to do is not to keep it to myself and bury it. No more isolating. I don’t want to ever go back to that dark place, so I’m learning to keep showing up no matter what, and to open my mouth more and talk about the hard stuff. I allow myself to cry if I have to. I’m grateful for the love that surrounds me in my church and in Celebrate Recovery that allows me to do this.

So I just want to close and say to those who can’t really relate to people like me, please don’t assume that all alcohol and drug addicts don’t want to talk about it. Yes, you’ll come across many who won’t be willing to open up, but give us a chance anyway. You never know. You may be surprised at what you hear from those of us who ARE willing. You may even be blessed by it.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this post. Thanks for listening to my heart. God is amazing. He’s the God of miracles and breakthroughs and I can’t wait to keep writing and speaking more about His awesomeness in my life.

Singleness and Celibacy — A gift from God

Debbie B. 4 Comments

A gift? Really? This is such a difficult subject to write about, but I’m going to take a chance and just do it. I’m really glad that I don’t have to wonder any longer about whether or not it’s God’s will that I remain single. I’ve written in earlier posts about having such a deep longing for family. I kept praying over and over for God to fulfill that longing. During that time of waiting, I also had learned how to pray to ask Him to remove the desire if it was not of Him. I waited for an answer either way for a very long time. It was tough waiting. Since initially the desire had not been removed, I kept holding on to the hope that He would send the perfect man of God my way.  Well, just a couple of blog posts earlier, I wrote that God had answered the prayer. He didn’t answer how I hoped He would. It’s truly amazing, the things that God does for those of us who seek Him and His will wholeheartedly. He ended up completely removing the desire for a husband and family that I carried for too long and He replaced it with a desire to fully devote my life in service to Him. Wow. I can’t begin to describe what I feel inside about this. I guess I can simply say that I am happy! I’m in awe of the joy He’s given me with this answer. What an incredible blessing. What an incredible call on my life! And the more I’ve been thinking about it, it truly is a relief that I don’t have to deal with the distractions and complications that can come with being in the dating world. Now, what I can’t say that I know for sure is whether this is for the rest of my life, or for just a season (however long that might be). It doesn’t matter. What I do know is that I am extremely blessed to discover God’s will for me and for that old longing that made my heart ache so much to finally be gone. Today, my focus is on my mission to fully serve God.

There’s a passage in the Bible that really spoke to me some time ago. I wasn’t really sure about what I read back then, but I’ve always kept it in my heart waiting for a confirmation from God. The passage talks about marriage and about being single. When I first read it not too long after I started absorbing and living out God’s Word, I couldn’t forget about it. But I don’t think I was ready either to really accept or understand what God’s Word was telling me in the passage. I wasn’t ready for a long while. But I’m truly happy now that He has answered my prayer and gave me the confirmation I had been seeking. He has shown me very clearly the way He wants me to go.

I’ve been single my whole life. And I’m grateful to be celibate. Of course I wasn’t always, but God has changed everything about me. He’s forgiven me and He’s taken away the ungodly desires from me and I am thankful they are no longer a struggle. I’m thankful He has helped me turn away from sin. This is all so personal, but talking about my singleness and celibacy has been on my heart to share for a while now because I know so many out there are struggling to find their soul mate. I see and feel the emptiness and the loneliness in their hearts. Many times people choose partners without seeking God’s direction first. When someone finally comes along, sooner or later there’s nothing but heartache because one or both end up bringing even more turmoil into the relationship. At least, I’ve witnessed this in so many couples who choose to do things their way instead inviting God to be the center of their relationship. I can see it so well in others, because everything I’ve mentioned is where I used to be. My last relationship was a disaster, I don’t know if I would have ended up taking my own life because of it, but I can tell you I wanted to be relieved of the humiliation and pain the man was putting me through. I was hitting rock bottom with the depression and the drinking so I really think it was just a matter of time for me. (You can read more about my mental abuse story “I wished he would have hit me” in an earlier post if you’re interested.)

I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling out of place for being single, yet I did enjoy the freedom. Before God broke through, I was at a very confusing period of my life. I was quite happy with being single, but as I started to grow older, I really started having a longing for my own family. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I know now that my whole problem back then was that God was never the center of my life, He wasn’t even a tiny part of it. So when I talk about Him today, I love that I can say that He is absolutely my everything in life now.

I’m finally understanding that being single is a gift from God and I am truly grateful for discovering this gift in my life, at this point in my life. For many years some people did a really good job at making me, the single and childless one, feel like something must really be wrong with me. I was always out of place. For so many years, I dreaded a relative of mine looking for a ring on my finger every time there was a gathering. I never said anything, I went along with it, but that sure brought me down every single time. I don’t think the person meant to make me feel that way, but still, it put me in a very bad place. It had such a negative effect on me, it would just keep adding to my depression.

My circumstances in life caused me to be such a lost and depressed soul, I turned to alcohol to self medicate and to numb myself out of reality as much as I possibly could for as long as I possibly could. Today, I see it as a blessing that I didn’t bring children into my dark world. As I have been growing and learning God’s Word and will for my life, He has opened up my eyes and heart to His beautiful gift. I realize how incredibly blessed I am for this call He has placed on my life. ME. The one who for decades didn’t care to know if God was real and then tried so hard to drink herself into a grave since it seemed to be the only way to be relieved from lifelong heartache and despair.  I am SO thankful to God for breaking through when He did almost 5 years ago!

So back to the passage I mentioned earlier — at the beginning of this incredible journey, although I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into it at first, I do remember wondering about what I had read in 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 — God’s Word translation puts the Apostle Paul’s teaching this way: “An unmarried woman…is concerned about the Lord’s things so that she may be holy in body and in spirit…I’m saying this for your benefit, not to restrict you. I’m showing you how to live a noble life of devotion to the Lord without being distracted…”

I SO want and desire to live that noble life of devotion to my Lord! He has given that to me! Wow. It’s an amazing change He’s done in me. And as for children, I believe He has shown me through His Word that He will bring me spiritual children and I’m pretty excited about that too. I know there are a lot of single Christians out there walking around with a void in their hearts. It’s not easy being single. I always find it interesting how some married people look at a single person’s life thinking “If only I were single…” And then there’s us single people looking at a married couple thinking “If only I could find someone to love who will love me back…” As a single woman, for the longest time there would always be triggers that would have me feeling a giant void in my heart. I always felt it more during the holidays where families celebrate together. I’m not talking about extended families, I’m talking husband, wife, kids…you know, the perfect family. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect family, but that’s how I looked at them. I saw the love, and I wanted that.  But today, I no longer have that desire. I no longer have that ache in my heart. God has given me something better and no matter for how long, I’m going to fully devote my single life to Him and rejoice over it with all my heart. I pray for other Christian singles to discover God’s will for them too. And I pray for the unspeakable joy in their hearts and souls, just like God has given to me.

Well, I am grateful for the courage to share this. I pray that God would reach someone else’s heart through it. Now this life I’m living is not easy. I don’t think it will ever be. There are times that I still feel out of place and even feel an occasional void, but I just keep reaching out to God, I keep seeking Him, I keep asking Him to fill my heart with all of Him and He always does. He never lets me down. What an amazing God I serve. If this has touched you in any way, I hope you will share it with someone who may be struggling in their own journey of singleness so they can know they are not alone in their struggles. Thank you, may God bless you.

Better off dead?

Debbie B. Leave a comment

My heart goes out to those who believe that right now. Christian or not, life is hard. It’s much worse when we live it apart from God. When I was experiencing years of those tormenting thoughts of wanting to die, I wasted a lot of time as if I had already died. I felt dead. I was dead. I became out of sight and out of mind from family and friends. I didn’t want anybody to know. I tried so hard to drink my life and pain away, but all it did was make my world darker and more painful. It left the door to evil wide open so it could completely destroy me. I believe it was a matter of time. It is a complete miracle that I am still here today and set free. During the entire time I lived and breathed darkness, I did not know the Lord, nor did I want to know Him. I’ve had my regrets of the time that I wasted, but I no longer dwell on the past that I can’t change. I am alive today, and I don’t waste a moment now to share how God has changed everything. That’s pretty much what “A Reason To Live” is all about — an ordinary soul who God touched and chose to write an extraordinary story to share with the world. I’m just me. This story is SO not about me, it’s all about Him. I pray people will see that. Many will choose to not believe the words I share. They’ll roll their eyes and think I’ve lost it. Many will completely ignore it, but if just one troubled soul is touched and given the hope that only turning to Jesus can give, if His light shines through the darkness of one soul who thinks they would be better off dead, if His light and hope has them holding on one more day — one more precious moment at a time, then me taking the risks that I have been taking in sharing my heart so openly and suffering for some of it is more than worth it. This is my ministry, my passion, my reason to live, and I will not stop until God decides that I’m finished. I praise God for the gifts He’s given to me to bring glory to Him. When I come to the end of my earthly life, I don’t believe I will have one regret because I spend my life each day doing all I can to do what God has set for me to do. Of course I fall short each day, but I keep trying to do better each chance He gives me. That’s an incredible place to be in this journey of less than five years that has brought many tears, but unspeakable joy. I do believe I have much more sharing of His love to do in the years to come.

I am grateful that God rescued me when He did. I admit I still have occasional moments where I wish it would have been sooner, but since I can’t go back and change it, I am just thanking Him every single day that I am able to get out of bed and follow Him. I’ll be honest. On occasion I still battle with the dark thoughts. So I think it will always be a battle whether I am obedient to God or not. Only now, the thoughts have become easier to overcome with God in my heart. And because I let go of pride and sought help throughout this growing and healing journey that seemed to bring a lot of the darkness back, I now have some amazing tools that I have learned to put into practice to keep me from going back to the pit. Seeking God, seeking help, and although it’s challenging, I continue to share, cry, and talk about it with some amazing women of God I am blessed to spend time with each week — it all keeps me wanting to live one more day and it’s all for Him. What an amazing ongoing miracle in my life. God rescued me by reaching down and pulling me out AND by putting the right people in my path to love me and show me how to live for Him. I am eternally grateful. Now when the pain comes, I hold on tight to my Lord and He carries me through to the other side, every single time. Just like Jacob who wrestled with God and told Him “I will not let go until You bless me.” (Genesis 32:26), I too, will continue to hold on until I receive His full blessing.

When the hard times come, I won’t let go of the One who will never let me go and I pray that you will keep holding on to Him too. Life is truly worth living. Thank You, Jesus.

2014 Summer Sky in Anaheim, California

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5)