Category Hope

When I found Hope in the midst of my darkest day…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

Many people are struggling with depression, loneliness, emptiness, and other difficult situations that bring heaviness to the heart — especially during the holiday season. It’s a sad truth. I’m so amazed by it because when I was there, I could swear it was just me. Now I can see that it affects so many different people in so many different circumstances. More than I ever could have imagined. It breaks my heart to see others suffer. I know the pain. I still deal with the occasional blues and occasional loneliness, but I’m so thankful that it’s nothing like it used to be. When I was deep in the middle of it, I really did believe that no one else could ever understand my pain so I hid it for as long as I could. I was convinced that something was very wrong with me and it would not be a good idea to let anybody know about it. It was a lie that I believed.

So here were are again. It’s Christmas time, and for most it’s the most wonderful time of year, right? (Darn, now I can hear that song starting to play in my head…) Unfortunately, for many it’s not. So at the risk of being called “Debbie Downer” by those who don’t get what it’s like to be like me and so many others, I thought this was a good time to share some more heartfelt words with the hope that a struggling heart will find THE Hope, the only Hope that can shine light in our darkness. It’s the only Hope that saves lives, and it’s the very Hope that saved my life.

We’re all different, but not so much once we reach a state of darkness. My darkness was depression and isolation. It doesn’t really matter how each of us get there, once we get there, I think we can relate to each other whether we go through similar situations or not. So I’m just wondering…when someone tears a hole in your heart, what do you do? How many times do you allow it to happen? How do you react to it? For me, when I was a very lost soul with no self-worth or self-esteem, I would let it happen to me too many times. It took a few people to cause significant damage to my heart – the destruction of my soul. My dad leaving me at the age of 16 seemed to be the beginning of the end. That messed me up so much, the rest happened because I allowed it to. I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. I didn’t care enough about myself. I figured I didn’t deserve any better. I was a loser. There were so many hurts and tears in my heart I ended up with one giant hole. I was completely empty. I finally decided to put a wall up to protect my heart and keep people at a safe distance. I believed that if I did that, then no one would be able to hurt me ever again. I walked around like that for many years. One of the problems with that is that I didn’t do anything about the giant hole prior to putting up the wall. That was the worst thing I could have ever done. I needed healing and I didn’t get it. It caused many years of depression, isolation, and alcohol abuse to numb the pain as much as possible. The wall was not only keeping people out, it was keeping God out — complete separation from the only One who could ever rescue me from my darkness. I wonder how many reading this might be doing this very thing right now. I hope my personal testimony will speak to you and help you to realize the extra damage being done so that you can stop doing what I did and do something about it. It’s not too late.

I remember my old days of severe depression quite well. After all, it wasn’t that long ago when God made Himself real to me and delivered me from what I believe was a very slow and painful death. I remember the suffocating darkness and how alone I was for such a long time. I can’t blame anybody but myself. I made the choice to be a loner because I was too ashamed and maybe too proud to tell anyone I was hurting and needed help. And the longer I spent my days that way, the more convinced I became that there was absolutely no way out. The bottles — beer, wine, Malibu Rum…whatever…all became my companion. They all became my medicine. The only thing I knew to do was drink the pain away. Of course, that made things much worse. The more I drank, the more I needed to drink to keep the temporary peace going. Eventually, there was no peace at all. I drank more because it turned into a mission to kill myself. It was a losing battle from the very beginning. But when your soul is as lost as mine was, there’s nothing else. I’m sure the devil was thrilled that I believed that back then. The deeper I got into it, the less chance I had of reaching the only One who could save me – that was another lie from the devil that I truly believed when I was in a battle for my life. I wish I knew more about Jesus Christ when I was younger. I knew of Him, but I had no clue that He could save me in today’s world. I thought He was just a part of history. How sad is that. Well, it turns out that it didn’t matter how deep I was or for how long I was in the darkness, all I needed to do was cry out to Jesus. It took a rock bottom incident to make that happen (I’ve shared about it in earlier posts), but the only regret I have is not reaching rock bottom sooner than I did.

Sounds weird to say that doesn’t it – who really wants to get to rock bottom? Not anybody I know. But rock bottom is where I met Jesus for the first time in my entire life. It’s where I found out that He was real and had been waiting for me there. He’d been waiting because He knew it was going to be the only way. I was not going to be able to change my destructive way of living on my own. He knew it. I knew it. I have no reason to be in denial about it.

Even though some amazing miracles and breakthroughs started happening after surrendering my heart and giving up control of my life to Jesus at rock bottom, I used to think that I wanted to help people avoid rock bottom. There are different levels of it. Mine was significant for me, but it wasn’t as bad as others I’ve heard about. I honestly thought that helping others avoid it would be a good thing to do. But as I continue to grow stronger in my faith and in my sobriety — the more I am blessed to witness and experience miracle after miracle, I am seeing that people are not becoming as desperate as they need to be. It’s sad to see because at least for me, the choices I continued to make were very poor ones and I was living in absolute hell. I’ve been set free and I am so not enjoying watching others continue on that path. It literally breaks my heart. I’m grateful I surrendered! My way wasn’t working! I hope someone can see through this story that their own way is most likely not working for them either.

It took full surrender to God in order for Him to reach down and pull me out of the pit to save me. Surrender takes a huge daily effort on our part. We need to surrender every day. We’re human. It doesn’t come easy. We’ll never be perfect at it, but we can try every day and it really is doable. God sees the effort. I’ve been doing it (not perfectly) 24/7 since 2010 now. Life has been amazing. I’m ALIVE and more than well. I believe through my own experience that if we want to activate the hand of God in our lives, we need to give it all to Him. ALL OF IT.

We really, REALLY have to want to be made well. More than anything. And we have to be an active participant. That means a lot of hard and many times painful growing doing things we don’t want to do. It means losing things we are having a hard time letting go of. I know this because it’s what I had to do to get better. And, I am truly better today. I’ve been delivered from the severe depression, the isolation, the shame, the unforgiveness, the bitterness, the hurt, the abusive relationship, the alcohol abuse, you name it. I’ve been delivered from everything that was holding me back and being used to destroy my soul.

I have no regrets for my challenging new life. I see how God is using all the hard stuff for good. I have an incredible testimony that He has given me and I wouldn’t have it if I hadn’t gone through everything I’ve gone through. He has given me a divine purpose in life. A true reason to live. My desire is to be open and painfully vulnerable in sharing my story to help others. It’s hard to be vulnerable, it really can be painful and uncomfortable, but it’s worth it to me. I can’t keep the great things of God to myself. People need to know that He can help them too.

In just two months I’ll be celebrating five years of sobriety! That is such an incredible miracle in my life considering how I tried so many times to quit under my own power. I had suffered relapse after relapse. I abused alcohol for over 20 years. Once I reached rock bottom, God gave me the desire to seek Him with my whole heart. He gave me the power to quit drinking and the power to change everything about me. He took away the depression and the suicidal thoughts. I have not relapsed. I haven’t even come close — not one time. My sobriety is just one amazing ongoing miracle in my life. I have so much to write about, so many great things of God in my life to share, but this is it for now.

So that’s my story about when I was finally able to find Hope in the midst of my darkest day. It was life saving Hope — Jesus — my Rock at the bottom. It’s a day I will never ever regret. If you are where I used to be, I pray you will find Jesus waiting for you today. Whether we admit it or not, we are desperate people. That’s a good thing. So I want to encourage you to turn your desperation toward Jesus. And when you do, you will be starting a new and amazing journey upward.

I heard an encouraging message from my pastor this past Sunday and the theme of the message that I want to share with you is this: “Just when you thought all hope was gone — God sends a Savior” I thought my hope was gone. I thought it was too late for me, but my Savior came right on time. I believe your Savior will be right on time too. Actually He’s already there, He’s just waiting for you to call to Him with your whole heart.

Jesus is our only HOPE – the only Hope that never disappoints. May you also find His Hope — The Light — in your darkest days. God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Jesus said “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

Advent

Singleness and Celibacy — A gift from God

Debbie B. 4 Comments

A gift? Really? This is such a difficult subject to write about, but I’m going to take a chance and just do it. I’m really glad that I don’t have to wonder any longer about whether or not it’s God’s will that I remain single. I’ve written in earlier posts about having such a deep longing for family. I kept praying over and over for God to fulfill that longing. During that time of waiting, I also had learned how to pray to ask Him to remove the desire if it was not of Him. I waited for an answer either way for a very long time. It was tough waiting. Since initially the desire had not been removed, I kept holding on to the hope that He would send the perfect man of God my way.  Well, just a couple of blog posts earlier, I wrote that God had answered the prayer. He didn’t answer how I hoped He would. It’s truly amazing, the things that God does for those of us who seek Him and His will wholeheartedly. He ended up completely removing the desire for a husband and family that I carried for too long and He replaced it with a desire to fully devote my life in service to Him. Wow. I can’t begin to describe what I feel inside about this. I guess I can simply say that I am happy! I’m in awe of the joy He’s given me with this answer. What an incredible blessing. What an incredible call on my life! And the more I’ve been thinking about it, it truly is a relief that I don’t have to deal with the distractions and complications that can come with being in the dating world. Now, what I can’t say that I know for sure is whether this is for the rest of my life, or for just a season (however long that might be). It doesn’t matter. What I do know is that I am extremely blessed to discover God’s will for me and for that old longing that made my heart ache so much to finally be gone. Today, my focus is on my mission to fully serve God.

There’s a passage in the Bible that really spoke to me some time ago. I wasn’t really sure about what I read back then, but I’ve always kept it in my heart waiting for a confirmation from God. The passage talks about marriage and about being single. When I first read it not too long after I started absorbing and living out God’s Word, I couldn’t forget about it. But I don’t think I was ready either to really accept or understand what God’s Word was telling me in the passage. I wasn’t ready for a long while. But I’m truly happy now that He has answered my prayer and gave me the confirmation I had been seeking. He has shown me very clearly the way He wants me to go.

I’ve been single my whole life. And I’m grateful to be celibate. Of course I wasn’t always, but God has changed everything about me. He’s forgiven me and He’s taken away the ungodly desires from me and I am thankful they are no longer a struggle. I’m thankful He has helped me turn away from sin. This is all so personal, but talking about my singleness and celibacy has been on my heart to share for a while now because I know so many out there are struggling to find their soul mate. I see and feel the emptiness and the loneliness in their hearts. Many times people choose partners without seeking God’s direction first. When someone finally comes along, sooner or later there’s nothing but heartache because one or both end up bringing even more turmoil into the relationship. At least, I’ve witnessed this in so many couples who choose to do things their way instead inviting God to be the center of their relationship. I can see it so well in others, because everything I’ve mentioned is where I used to be. My last relationship was a disaster, I don’t know if I would have ended up taking my own life because of it, but I can tell you I wanted to be relieved of the humiliation and pain the man was putting me through. I was hitting rock bottom with the depression and the drinking so I really think it was just a matter of time for me. (You can read more about my mental abuse story “I wished he would have hit me” in an earlier post if you’re interested.)

I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling out of place for being single, yet I did enjoy the freedom. Before God broke through, I was at a very confusing period of my life. I was quite happy with being single, but as I started to grow older, I really started having a longing for my own family. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I know now that my whole problem back then was that God was never the center of my life, He wasn’t even a tiny part of it. So when I talk about Him today, I love that I can say that He is absolutely my everything in life now.

I’m finally understanding that being single is a gift from God and I am truly grateful for discovering this gift in my life, at this point in my life. For many years some people did a really good job at making me, the single and childless one, feel like something must really be wrong with me. I was always out of place. For so many years, I dreaded a relative of mine looking for a ring on my finger every time there was a gathering. I never said anything, I went along with it, but that sure brought me down every single time. I don’t think the person meant to make me feel that way, but still, it put me in a very bad place. It had such a negative effect on me, it would just keep adding to my depression.

My circumstances in life caused me to be such a lost and depressed soul, I turned to alcohol to self medicate and to numb myself out of reality as much as I possibly could for as long as I possibly could. Today, I see it as a blessing that I didn’t bring children into my dark world. As I have been growing and learning God’s Word and will for my life, He has opened up my eyes and heart to His beautiful gift. I realize how incredibly blessed I am for this call He has placed on my life. ME. The one who for decades didn’t care to know if God was real and then tried so hard to drink herself into a grave since it seemed to be the only way to be relieved from lifelong heartache and despair.  I am SO thankful to God for breaking through when He did almost 5 years ago!

So back to the passage I mentioned earlier — at the beginning of this incredible journey, although I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into it at first, I do remember wondering about what I had read in 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 — God’s Word translation puts the Apostle Paul’s teaching this way: “An unmarried woman…is concerned about the Lord’s things so that she may be holy in body and in spirit…I’m saying this for your benefit, not to restrict you. I’m showing you how to live a noble life of devotion to the Lord without being distracted…”

I SO want and desire to live that noble life of devotion to my Lord! He has given that to me! Wow. It’s an amazing change He’s done in me. And as for children, I believe He has shown me through His Word that He will bring me spiritual children and I’m pretty excited about that too. I know there are a lot of single Christians out there walking around with a void in their hearts. It’s not easy being single. I always find it interesting how some married people look at a single person’s life thinking “If only I were single…” And then there’s us single people looking at a married couple thinking “If only I could find someone to love who will love me back…” As a single woman, for the longest time there would always be triggers that would have me feeling a giant void in my heart. I always felt it more during the holidays where families celebrate together. I’m not talking about extended families, I’m talking husband, wife, kids…you know, the perfect family. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect family, but that’s how I looked at them. I saw the love, and I wanted that.  But today, I no longer have that desire. I no longer have that ache in my heart. God has given me something better and no matter for how long, I’m going to fully devote my single life to Him and rejoice over it with all my heart. I pray for other Christian singles to discover God’s will for them too. And I pray for the unspeakable joy in their hearts and souls, just like God has given to me.

Well, I am grateful for the courage to share this. I pray that God would reach someone else’s heart through it. Now this life I’m living is not easy. I don’t think it will ever be. There are times that I still feel out of place and even feel an occasional void, but I just keep reaching out to God, I keep seeking Him, I keep asking Him to fill my heart with all of Him and He always does. He never lets me down. What an amazing God I serve. If this has touched you in any way, I hope you will share it with someone who may be struggling in their own journey of singleness so they can know they are not alone in their struggles. Thank you, may God bless you.

Better off dead?

Debbie B. Leave a comment

My heart goes out to those who believe that right now. Christian or not, life is hard. It’s much worse when we live it apart from God. When I was experiencing years of those tormenting thoughts of wanting to die, I wasted a lot of time as if I had already died. I felt dead. I was dead. I became out of sight and out of mind from family and friends. I didn’t want anybody to know. I tried so hard to drink my life and pain away, but all it did was make my world darker and more painful. It left the door to evil wide open so it could completely destroy me. I believe it was a matter of time. It is a complete miracle that I am still here today and set free. During the entire time I lived and breathed darkness, I did not know the Lord, nor did I want to know Him. I’ve had my regrets of the time that I wasted, but I no longer dwell on the past that I can’t change. I am alive today, and I don’t waste a moment now to share how God has changed everything. That’s pretty much what “A Reason To Live” is all about — an ordinary soul who God touched and chose to write an extraordinary story to share with the world. I’m just me. This story is SO not about me, it’s all about Him. I pray people will see that. Many will choose to not believe the words I share. They’ll roll their eyes and think I’ve lost it. Many will completely ignore it, but if just one troubled soul is touched and given the hope that only turning to Jesus can give, if His light shines through the darkness of one soul who thinks they would be better off dead, if His light and hope has them holding on one more day — one more precious moment at a time, then me taking the risks that I have been taking in sharing my heart so openly and suffering for some of it is more than worth it. This is my ministry, my passion, my reason to live, and I will not stop until God decides that I’m finished. I praise God for the gifts He’s given to me to bring glory to Him. When I come to the end of my earthly life, I don’t believe I will have one regret because I spend my life each day doing all I can to do what God has set for me to do. Of course I fall short each day, but I keep trying to do better each chance He gives me. That’s an incredible place to be in this journey of less than five years that has brought many tears, but unspeakable joy. I do believe I have much more sharing of His love to do in the years to come.

I am grateful that God rescued me when He did. I admit I still have occasional moments where I wish it would have been sooner, but since I can’t go back and change it, I am just thanking Him every single day that I am able to get out of bed and follow Him. I’ll be honest. On occasion I still battle with the dark thoughts. So I think it will always be a battle whether I am obedient to God or not. Only now, the thoughts have become easier to overcome with God in my heart. And because I let go of pride and sought help throughout this growing and healing journey that seemed to bring a lot of the darkness back, I now have some amazing tools that I have learned to put into practice to keep me from going back to the pit. Seeking God, seeking help, and although it’s challenging, I continue to share, cry, and talk about it with some amazing women of God I am blessed to spend time with each week — it all keeps me wanting to live one more day and it’s all for Him. What an amazing ongoing miracle in my life. God rescued me by reaching down and pulling me out AND by putting the right people in my path to love me and show me how to live for Him. I am eternally grateful. Now when the pain comes, I hold on tight to my Lord and He carries me through to the other side, every single time. Just like Jacob who wrestled with God and told Him “I will not let go until You bless me.” (Genesis 32:26), I too, will continue to hold on until I receive His full blessing.

When the hard times come, I won’t let go of the One who will never let me go and I pray that you will keep holding on to Him too. Life is truly worth living. Thank You, Jesus.

2014 Summer Sky in Anaheim, California

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5)

I know your hidden pain. You don’t have to hide it anymore…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

This is for those who are struggling with pain buried deep inside their soul. Maybe you’re feeling worthless, lonely, unloved, abandoned, and forgotten. Maybe you have lost all trust in the human race and have put up a giant wall around you so now most of your time is spent in isolation. Maybe the isolation is taking its toll and the depression is becoming more severe and perhaps you’re even feeling that life isn’t worth living anymore – the pain and darkness is just too much to bear for one more day.

Well, I really do know your pain. I pretty much just described my life for over 20 years until just a little over four years ago. For decades I tried to escape it all through attempts to drink myself to death. But I’m still here. I’m here for a reason. I want to share some good news. I want someone out there to find hope like I did. I now have victory — victory that can only be found through Jesus Christ. All the bad stuff I believed, were lies. They were lies of the devil who wanted me destroyed. I’m so grateful that I know that now. I’m grateful that I have learned to turn my thoughts around and have learned to listen to the Voice of Truth, which is my Lord Jesus. It took me a while to learn. It’s been a tough walk, but I don’t regret one moment of fully surrendering my life to the Lord. He has helped me to open my heart up to Him so He could come in and do some amazing work in me. He has truly changed me from the inside out. He sobered me up. He showed me I had a reason to live. About every post in this blog speaks of my personal struggles and how God has given me amazing miracles and breakthroughs – VICTORY.

I pray my personal story of transformation and victory will bring you hope that God has not forgotten you either. Stop believing the lies. I spent over 20 years believing I was worthless and that my life was a waste. I tried to numb the pain with alcohol. Of course, it never really helped. It only made me hate myself even more. I thank God that He rescued me from that horrible, slow and painful death that was once the only life I knew.

It’s been very recent where I received my breakthrough in my emotional healing journey. That was a very painful journey bringing years of deep emotional pain to the surface, but I am finally healed and finally free! My last blog post was about a mentally abusive relationship I was in. I had mentioned that I might share a letter of victory in my next post. I almost backed out of doing it, but I feel that I should share it to show someone who is struggling right now that there IS hope. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on God! In this letter, I speak of a longing that I was praying that God would either fulfill or remove from me. At the time, I hadn’t heard either way, so I kept hoping for that desire that was in my heart. I will share now that a lot has changed since writing the letter back in April 2014. God has answered my prayer in a wonderful way. It wasn’t the way I had initially hoped for. He has removed the desire I was hoping for and has replaced it with a much better one.

So here I go, I think this may be my most vulnerable moment, but I pray with all my heart that the below letter will give someone hope that God can do the same for anybody who seeks. It’s strange to share something so personal, but I hope it will be a blessing to someone out there. Don’t lose heart. Your victory is coming too.

Letter of Victory by D. Bonilla (April 2014)

“This is about true transformation. It’s about how I have gone from years of believing I am worthless, to knowing and believing that I have value because Jesus Christ lives in me. My transformation also means that I will no longer be afraid to trust. The wall I spent years building around me for protection has been knocked down. The protection I need can only come from God. I now have the faith and belief that God will protect me and will bring the right people into my life. I fully trust that He will give me the discernment to know the people who are safe to let in and the people I need to keep at a safe distance. 

So where will these new healthy beliefs take me? I believe they will help me to reach the top of the mountain of God! There won’t be an obstacle I cannot overcome because He is with me and my new beliefs will help keep me from getting in the way of His blessings. 

I am finding that I still have a deep longing for family. There have been certain triggers that have brought it back. Gratefully, I have recently been able to grieve the loss of never giving birth to my own children so I can move on. From years of brokenness, I had made the choice to close the door to marriage and family without knowing or caring what God’s plan is. I was too afraid to even think about letting another man into my life again, especially because the last one almost finished the job of what the others before him had started — complete destruction of my soul. But now with God in the center of my life and now that I have begun to heal and have changed my way of thinking, I no longer feel that the door to my heart is sealed shut forever. 

I actually see the possibility of a new relationship once again. This gives me such hope for the future. I have a new dream that the perfect man for me, a strong man of God, has already been chosen for me. He will have a passion like mine to serve God in ministry. He will be faithful. He will be a family man. He will be a good father. His children will have children. He will have a love for me that I have never known from any other man in my life. And with the heart that God has given me, I know that I will be able to love him the same. I will be able to love his children as if they were my own. In the years to come I can see us serving together in ministry with the kids and grandkids. You see, I don’t just long for a family, I long for one who serves the Lord together. “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” 

However, if it turns out that this desire is not of God, I also trust that He will completely remove it once and for all and will keep me filled with His Peace and Joy. I trust He will fill the void in my heart (perhaps as a spiritual mother) so I can stop wondering and stop longing. I trust He will give me the contentment to remain single and the strength and desire to dedicate the rest of my life to only Him. I have prayed the prayer to remove or fulfill my desire more than a few times. Since nothing has happened either way yet, I am going to hold on to the hope of family. I will keep praying. My God is faithful. 

So whatever the outcome, I am praising God and claiming victory. I can finally say with confidence that I am NOT worthless. I have amazing faith in an amazing Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can ever imagine. I have a wonderful mother and church family who love and support me and encourage me greatly. I love them back more than they can ever know. The future is so much brighter and exciting than ever. I have incredible HOPE. I am blessed and eternally grateful. My story is just now beginning…”

I’m looking forward to sharing how God has answered the longing that you just read about, I think you will be surprised. I was. But I cried tears of pure joy when I realized how He fulfilled my longing in an unexpected and more incredible way. He’s amazing that way. 🙂

God bless you. I’ll be praying for you.

“I wished he would have hit me” — My personal story of abuse…

Debbie B. Leave a comment

When people think of an abusive relationship, they mostly think of physical abuse. Normally, people just think of a man beating a woman and/or sexually abusing her.  But I would like to share some thoughts about another type of abuse that I don’t hear a whole lot about. I want to talk about emotional and mental abuse. In my opinion, this kind of abuse can be just as distressing and painful as being consistently hit. It is so difficult for me to admit this on this blog, but this is what happened to me. It is my hope that by sharing my own heart and experience about this horrible and devastating form of abuse, that others who may feel ashamed or embarrassed may be encouraged that they too can find hope and freedom and know that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

While I was in the midst of it, I was never able to tell anyone about the constant mental and emotional abuse I was facing. I felt so humiliated by it. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I truly believed that nobody would ever understand what I was going through. I really wished he had hit me. I thought that if he had, then it would be a better excuse for me to explain my pain. I was definitely in denial. I also believed that I didn’t deserve any better (I wrote about that for the first time in an earlier blog entitled “I was a lost soul – a mentally abused woman who didn’t deserve better”). I was worthless and a loser, so I took it. I took it for 4 or 5 years, and it about destroyed me altogether. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Even though I was already battling through years of depression and low or no self esteem and using alcohol to temporarily numb the pain, I still managed to be a strong woman – suicidal perhaps, but strong. Well, that was until I started dating a man I had settled for. Little by little he started to destroy what was left of me. It was a horrible nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. It was sudden when I had found myself so weak. This is when my depression and drinking were heading to bottom. I really thought I needed this man in my life. I didn’t want to lose him. I thought I loved him. Looking back I have no idea why I thought that. He didn’t show me much love, he just wanted sex. He sure had a hold on me somehow. I had to drink my way through the relationship to survive it. I will never understand how I got there. His manipulation started at the very beginning of our early communications, but unfortunately, I didn’t think much about it. I completely ignored it. I didn’t think enough of myself. It’s sad to remember just how lost and desperate I was back then. I didn’t want to end up old and alone, so I ignored every single sign. And, it almost killed me.

It didn’t help to hear from others what they thought about abusive relationships such as, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?” “It’s her fault for staying around.” “She doesn’t want help.”  I confess that I used to think that way about domestic violence situations. I am so sorry for my judgmental attitude toward women of abuse. Please forgive me. Before it happened to me, I just could not understand why someone would stay and continue to take it, day after day.  I swore that it would never happen to me. I would NEVER become like one of “those women”.  Sound familiar? All of a sudden, there I was. I was exactly what I swore I’d never become. I was so ashamed that I had allowed myself to be in such horrible circumstances, that there was no way that I felt safe to reach out to anyone to talk about it or to get help. I figured “well, at least he’s not hitting me…” so I just kept taking it and drank it away as much as possible. Recently I was thinking more about the possibility of getting hit. I thank God I will never know if that was going to come into play or not, but I discovered recently that I had ignored another sign. After a family party turned violent one evening, (I described this event in that previous post I mentioned earlier), I remembered that days later he had reminded me that he had been letting me know that he was feeling anger building up inside of him. He told me though, that he was keeping it under control.  I was slowly discovering that he had anger issues and was just keeping them inside. But because I had never really witnessed it in him, until that frightening evening, I again didn’t think much of it. But it’s what he had said days later that kind of gave me the chills when I remembered it recently. He said “I warned you…”  I remember he was telling me that he had been warning me that he was about to break. Like it was something that I was supposed to know and just “watch out”. Don’t abusers who hit usually tell their women that they had been warning them? I know I’ve heard it before in stories of physical abuse. I then started to recall that he had told me that when he was young, he would see his father beating his mother. So I now think it was a good possibility that hitting would come next had I stayed.

So how did I get out of it? I have no doubt that it was a God thing. I believe God’s hand was on my life even though I didn’t know Him yet. I had been crying out to Him because I was definitely not going to cry out to anybody else. Interesting when I think back on it, how I was crying out to a God I didn’t know and I am grateful I took that chance! He set me free. And later, he set me free from alcohol abuse and severe depression. It took a rock bottom kind of moment for that, but I’m not complaining. I am grateful to be free.  I am now seven months away from celebrating my 5th year of sobriety. I am also celebrating my 4th year or so of being free from that abusive relationship.

So that’s some more of my story that I hadn’t had the courage to share before.  I’m glad I did now. I don’t know what else to say except that if you’re in the midst of this right now, there is hope in Jesus. There is a way out. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. Please reach out to someone! Reach out to God! You don’t have to keep living like that. You deserve much better. If you don’t know God, it’s not too late to start knowing Him now. Call out to Him with a sincere heart and He will hear you.  He will help you like He helped me and has helped so many others. I don’t know you, but I’m praying for you. Please use the below contact form if you’d like to send a private message.

I’ve been through a lot of hurt in my life. I buried most of it for decades and just recently in my recovery program, it’s all come out to the surface so that I could get healing. In therapy, I was asked to write a letter about victory. I’m thinking, if I can be this vulnerable and share this part of my story, then I should be able to share that personal letter too. Perhaps I will share it in a future post. Again, I’m only doing this with the hope that others will be blessed by it and have courage to take a step in the right direction like I did. ANY kind of abuse is NEVER OK.

That’s it for now, thanks for listening to my heart.

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