Category Depression

A true story about the power of God in a broken life of depression and drunkenness

Debbie B. 2 Comments

There’s so much brokenness around me, I felt I needed to write again about depression and the drunkenness that can come with it.  I know not everyone can relate to it, but I believe there’s someone out there who needs to hear this. It’s also about how God reached down and changed it all by turning a life filled with hopelessness and emptiness into a life filled with everlasting joy that only He can give. A life filled with hope and purpose. I pray that it gives someone out there needing God’s hand to move in their life much encouragement. His power is real.

It was 2010, around 2:00 one February morning when she was suddenly awakened by her heart going haywire inside of her chest. The symptoms were very familiar as she had lived with them for about 17 years of her adult life. It began sometime after she started drinking heavily. It was never actually said or proven that drinking was the cause of the symptoms. They told her it was a possibility, but she never knew for sure. She figures the drinking definitely didn’t help, but that didn’t stop her. There were several things that should have stopped her from drinking, but she was too deep into the pit. Only God would be able to pull her out…when she was ready.

It took the doctors a long time, but they finally diagnosed her with a minor heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). It’s not life threatening, but it can cause wear and tear on the heart. The symptoms would wipe her out for a day or so. It was more a huge inconvenience than anything to her.  In 2005, the SVT had finally been corrected by an ablation—a procedure where they took a catheter, went in through the groin, into a vein, took it up into the heart, and basically burned off extra nerves that were in there causing the crazy heart rhythms (at least that’s how the doctor at that time had explained it to her).  After the procedure, she had been symptom free for five years…until that one dark morning after what turned out to be the morning after her final evening of binge drinking.

The symptoms returned and they were extremely severe. Because she had lived with it for so long, she knew how to stay calm and knew the different things to try that usually made the irregular heart beat jump back into normal rhythm. However, this time it was different. Nothing she tried worked. She had been told in the past not to wait too long before seeking medical attention, but she’s very stubborn. She tried for an hour to handle it herself, but she started getting too weak and the nurse she had been speaking to on the phone convinced her to get to the emergency room. To slow the heart rate, usually all that was needed was an IV with some meds. Eventually, it would get back to normal and she would be released.

But once again, this time it was different. The medical staff in the ER couldn’t get it to slow down at all. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She kept wondering why nothing was working this time.  She never had to stay overnight in the hospital for this condition before, except when they did the procedure to fix it.  It was difficult for her to have to share with the doctor that she had done some binge drinking the night before.  She didn’t say anything about the severe depression because she didn’t remember feeling depressed at that time. The alcohol did its job and she was numb. After several hours of no progress, they finally admitted her into the cardiac care unit.

This is when she thinks that God was really giving her a major wake up call to wise up and change her destructive lifestyle. She thinks she was running out of chances and started to see that there were some significant warning signs, maybe slightly smaller wake up calls that were leading up to that last episode, but she had been ignoring them. This warning sign however, it seems God finally broke through and made sure she couldn’t ignore it. She was finally ready to listen. She knew in her troubled heart that if she didn’t do something to change her ways soon, she’d either end up in jail or dead.  Soon, she would be alone in a hospital room where she would find herself crying out to God for help. Rock bottom finally came…

As I laid there in the hospital room all alone and not so drunk anymore, I started to think about why I was there. I had nobody but myself to blame.  I had been depressed and a drinker for so long, I was very tired.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I used to pray many nights crying out to a God I didn’t know, asking Him to take my life (thank God for unanswered prayers).  So there I was in the hospital room seeking God sincerely with my whole heart for the first time.  I realized that I really didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t think I was going to die there in that room, but I felt that if I didn’t stop drinking and change my ways that I’d be dead before 50—I had just turned 44 the night before.  I had sure made a big mess of my life, but the Lord reached down when I cried out to Him. He helped me to clean up my mess and He delivered me from the depression and drinking…He set the captive free just like He promises to.

These are amazing miracles in my life that I try sharing with all who will listen. God is the God of miracles and breakthroughs and He’s using my life to show what He can do with a willing heart. Looking back, I now consider my old life a blessed mess because of what He’s doing with it now. Today, I’m grateful I can say it’s no longer a mess, it’s just extremely blessed. I’ll be honest and say it hasn’t been an easy life, but it is definitely a blessed one. I will spend the rest of my days trying to reach out to others hoping I can help them reach out to God like I did. I pray I can help them find hope in Him. I also pray that more people will open their hearts to Him because what He has done for me, He will do for anyone who seeks Him with their whole heart. I truly believe that.

Friends, for anyone struggling out there, you are not alone. Never give up on God. I am so glad that I didn’t.  May God speak to you and bless you through this story…after all, it’s His story! ♥

“If only…” Living with and learning from a BIG regret.

Debbie B. 2 Comments

Out of all the poor choices I have made in the past…out of all the mistakes that I have regretted in life…if only I could go back and change just one thing, it would be to share what God has done in my life with a friend before he died. 

This is another difficult post for me but I believe the Lord wants me to put it out there to encourage someone so they don’t miss out like I did.  If I could help just one person avoid living with this kind of regret, then putting my heart out there like this is more than worth it to me. 

Tuesday, July 17th, marks the one year anniversary of the death of a friend who was killed in a small plane crash with the love of his life. It’s hard to believe it’s going to be a year since two young lives were cut so short. My friend’s name was Brian. We became friends through work and he was more like a goofy little brother to me (my “little” brother was 6’7” tall!).  We worked closely on a team for about six years or so and he kept me laughing much of the time.  Brian knew my job got tough at times so once in a while he’d come by my desk to make me laugh or to just see how I was doing.  He was a good guy and I sure miss him.

It’s amazing to me that although we became close and talked a lot, not once did I ever feel like I needed to share with him about my life as a depressed alcoholic. Nobody really knew about it so maybe that’s why I never thought about bringing it up.  When God intervened in my life and started to turn me around, Brian had no idea.  I never told him. Again, I never thought about it.  I told very few people at the beginning. At that time I wasn’t ready to share too much about my personal life with people I worked with. When the shocking news of Brian’s death came, I took it very hard.  For a while, I would beat myself up for never saying anything about God to him.  I realized that I never knew where he was spiritually. I honestly don’t know why sharing God with him never crossed my mind.  I still feel horrible not knowing, but I do have hope that he knew the Lord. It’s too late to do anything about it now, so all I can do is hold onto hope—hope that I will see him in heaven when I get there. 

I have certainly learned from this mistake.  I don’t ever want this to happen again. Now I share about what God is doing in my life with anybody who will listen.  The greatest thing about it is that God seems to work that out nicely for me. I find that when I share, it’s usually because someone will say or ask something that opens the door for me to share.  I never feel the need to force myself on anybody.   

I will always regret that I missed my opportunity with Brian, but I must say I’m grateful that it wasn’t like I had felt prompted to share and ignored that prompt. I know that would have made it much worse and so much more difficult for me to get past.  I’ve had a tremendous amount of spiritual growth in the past year and now I live my life for opportunities to get out there and share God’s love with people as much as possible.  I’ve stopped beating myself up over this mistake.  God has helped me to move forward and to do better. 

Friends, is there someone in your life that you’ve been hesitating to share the Lord with? I want to encourage you to just do it. Don’t wait. There’s no better time than now.  I know many times it requires us to step way out of our comfort zone and we take the chance of getting laughed at, rejected, etc., but please learn from my regret and don’t lose your opportunity like I did.   

I’d much rather be laughed at or rejected or take whatever might happen than live with this “If only” regret ever again. 

God is beyond amazing and we need to share about Him!!!!

Learning to live a sober life…

Debbie B. 7 Comments

It sure is not an easy thing to just be starting in my forties.  It’s hard learning to live when you spend a lot of time alone. It’s hard to break away from being a loner.  That’s all I’ve known for too many years of avoiding people.  I got very used to keeping to myself.  I am a true introvert.  And what makes it worse, a shy one.

I have a real difficult time in social gatherings.  I spent this past Sunday at a park for a picnic with my church. It was a beautiful day.  I got some practice photography in and managed to capture a few good shots that showed some beautiful hearts for God.  It was a blessed time of fellowship.  However, it was not easy for me to be there at first. I don’t think most people would have been able to guess that the morning was a rough start for me.  I felt so anxious I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t go. But, I really love these people so I knew I had to just deal with it. I’m glad I did of course because in time I was fine.  It’s so interesting to me that I’m okay with the same people when we do outreaches.  Even though I get nervous, it’s completely different.  It must be the servant heart that the Lord has given me.  I really do have a passion to serve Him and to reach others for Him.  I’m sure in time I’ll overcome this social challenge with His help.

I’ve never been comfortable socially in large groups.  Put me in a large group for a work meeting and have me speak in front of all of them about things I know, no problem.  But put me with that same group to just be social?  That’s definitely a problem.  What used to get me through those situations was drinking.  Not only was alcohol my medicine to numb the pain of depression, it was also my liquid courage.  I wasn’t so shy when I drank.  Drinking calmed my nerves and made me comfortable in my own skin.

I thank God that I am no longer tempted to drink, but I make sure I don’t put myself in situations that may cause me to slip up.  Even though I’m much stronger now, I can see how easy it would be. All it would take is just one sip to destroy everything that God has done. There’s just too much to lose to take that kind of chance so if I’m invited to an event where there’s going to be alcohol, I usually turn it down.  If I do go, it’s not for long.  I just simply prefer not to be around it if I can help it.  Some people understand, and some people don’t. I can’t worry about that. I have to do whatever it takes to make sure I stay sober.

Doing things like that are great but I don’t think it’s enough.  One of the greatest things I’ve learned to do is to build a team of godly people to help me stay accountable.  God has blessed me with an incredible team.  They sure inspire me to keep pressing forward and they keep me out of trouble.  I love spending time with them.

It’s been a little over two years, but I’m barely getting started on this new life the Lord has given me.  While I was writing this, I realized I never really learned how to live before sobriety.  I was too depressed and intoxicated to live. I can see that this is going to take a bit of time.

Well, I just felt like I needed to share what’s on my heart tonight. Maybe someone out there can relate to this.  I will just keep doing what I’m doing…holding on to hope and holding on to God one step at a time, one day at a time, and praise Him for victory!

“You can’t run away from yourself…”

Debbie B. 6 Comments

A dear sister friend told me that (or something like it) when I told her I felt like running away.  Those words woke me up. I was feeling super overwhelmed by the spiritual and emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on lately.  I was thinking that if I could just go somewhere else where nobody knows me there’d be less pressure to…well, I don’t even know what to tell you the truth.  Apparently, I really wasn’t thinking. I took my focus off of Jesus and got overwhelmed.  What would I really be running away from?  I’d be running away from all the good things keeping me on track, that’s all. So very glad my friend helped me to snap out of it and refocus!

I really can’t run away from myself, and I certainly can’t run away from God. There is no hiding from Him.  Not to mention that it would be such a dangerous thing for a formerly depressed alcoholic like me to do. If I were to run away to a place where nobody knows me, then I’ve lost my godly team of people keeping me accountable. There’s just too much to lose by running away. I know the enemy was hoping I’d open a door for him again, but it didn’t happen. God is keeping me strong and I’m so thankful to Him for the people He has placed in my life to help me stay the course. 

This year has been the most challenging year of my sober life. The closer I grow to God, the more I seek and serve Him, the more the enemy tries to trip me up. I was feeling pretty weak for that moment, but my friend blessed me with her words and prayer, and I continue to take one day at a time holding on tightly to the Lord—I’m still standing. I know I can’t walk this journey without my godly friends. God placed them in my life for a reason and I am grateful for every one of them. 

So for anyone out there who might be feeling overwhelmed by life and you’re thinking you’d like to run away, don’t do it.  I’ll say to you what my friend said to me…You can’t run away from yourself.  Here’s a quote from Confucius that you can think about as well: “No matter where you go, there you are.” 🙂  So you see, we might as well stay where we are and keep on pressing forward with God’s help. 

Stay strong in the Lord friends, He’ll carry you through it all if you let Him.  Make sure you have godly friends you can turn to when you’re struggling. I can’t say enough how extremely important that is.

Bless you! ♥

Celebrating Father’s Day without a dad…it IS possible!

Debbie B. 2 Comments

It’s Father’s Day weekend again, and those of us who don’t have a dad to celebrate might feel that there’s no reason to celebrate.  Well, I believe there is and I’d like to share why…

The last couple of years of healing have done wonders for me, but I still feel a small sense of sadness every Father’s Day. This time of year had always been a tremendous struggle for me.  My earthly father left my life when I was sixteen years old. It was a time when I needed a father the most.  I spent many years in bitterness and sadness and eventually drunkenness because I didn’t know how else to handle it. I didn’t know my Heavenly Father for many years, so watching others enjoy their dads was always such a painful time for me.  Even though I have a wonderful mother who loved me and took good care of me, I still felt left out and unloved–I felt robbed for not having my dad.  I believe part of it was the lies coming from the enemy, but I think it was just extra difficult because I was so close to my dad when I was young. My heart felt like it was broken beyond repair. 

I am extremely grateful that I don’t feel that way any longer. My heart is completely healed thanks to Jesus. Each year gets a little better. The Lord helped me to forgive and the relationship was slowly being restored.  Unfortunately, my time with my dad was cut short when he suddenly passed away in September 2010.  I am so grateful for that short amount of time that the Lord gave us.  True forgiveness and healing came from it.  I don’t think that would have happened had I not fully opened my heart to the Lord.  I’m learning to look at what I have, not what I’ve lost. That is huge in my life. I was given back my earthly father at the perfect time, for the perfect amount of time.  I can say that because I know that God’s timing is always perfect.  My dad did not live to see my testimony of sobriety land in a book or televised on an international church service in 2010, but I know he sure would have been proud.  I have come so far on this journey and I am so glad to know that my dad had accepted Christ sometime before he died. So when I finally make it home, we will meet again. That makes my heart smile. God always gives me something to smile about.  The best part of all of this is the relationship I have developed with my Heavenly Father, everything I went through brought me to Him and that is the greatest thing that could have ever happened in my life.

Now that I do know my Heavenly Father, I am going to celebrate Him on Father’s Day and actually, I want to celebrate Him every day because He has done so much in my life.  He constantly keeps me in awe and all I can think of doing is to share what He does in my life and share His amazing love with others.  

Today, when I see fathers who are there for their children, I am so blessed by it.  I confess that part of me still may feel a little left out, but my Heavenly Father doesn’t let that feeling last for long.  I am truly happy for the sons and daughters out there who still have an earthly father in their lives, you are truly blessed.  For everyone, especially for those who never really had an earthly father in your life or for those of you whose fathers have passed on, I pray you feel the love from your Heavenly Father. I pray His love overflows in your hearts. 

So no matter what your circumstance is, please don’t forget to celebrate your Heavenly Father. I truly believe that He is our main reason to celebrate and I believe He so deserves our praises!  If you don’t know your Heavenly Father yet, maybe this is the time for you to start.  Maybe God is nudging you right now to open your heart to Him. I am praying that you do because I know that your life will never be the same!

I want to wish a very Happy Father’s Day to all of you dads out there (and to you moms who play the role of both parents),  may God bless you richly. ♥