Author Debbie B.

Living when life does not feel good…

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What would you do if you had a loved one say to you “You are better off without me”? Would you take them seriously? Or if you asked someone that you noticed is down if they are doing alright, are you prepared for an answer like “I am not OK. My life is worthless and I do not want to stay here anymore”? What would you say or do?

What if similar thoughts like the ones I wrote are ones you battle with every now and then or are even battling with at this very moment? Will you keep choosing life even when it does not feel good? Man, I hope so. These are all hard questions. Especially for people who have no idea what it is like to be chained in a prison of darkness that seems so bleak and extremely painful that death sounds like the only means of escape. I know this because that used to be me just over six years ago. Either nobody knew of my torment, they were afraid to ask, or they just wanted me to “get over it” and did not think much about the destructive path I was on. I do not blame anyone for anything. No one but Jesus could have helped me anyway. I believed the lie that no one would even notice that I was gone if I had committed suicide. I think the only thing that people did notice about me was that I drank way too much. And as I became closer to my personal rock bottom of alcohol abuse, I cried way too much.

As you can see by reading this, I am a survivor. And thanks to my Lord Jesus Christ, I am more than a conqueror—a conqueror who is willing to be vulnerable and admit that she still has occasional bouts to overcome. In fact, I am going through one at this very moment. But I praise God that it is nowhere as severe as in the past. I no longer reach for alcohol or any other type of vice to soothe my troubled soul, I reach for Jesus. I am looking at this occurrence as another wonderful opportunity to share my hope in Jesus – Hope truly worth living for.

Suicide is on the rise and because it was National Suicide Prevention Week, it is no surprise to me that I have been battling with some old unhealthy thought patterns. They were mainly triggered by online articles of people who have lost loved ones to suicide, or people currently struggling. I did not realize at first why I was struggling, but I am glad I can see now what was causing me to want to hide again. It is not easy to share when sadness hits my heart in such a way that it makes my mind go to places I wish it wouldn’t. I sure do not want people to see me struggle. Not after all the good Lord has done in my life. But I think those of us whose struggle is all too real, need to be open and share about it and hopefully encourage others to keep holding on like we are. We need to be teachers of faith and hope in Jesus — yes, even when life does not feel good. I think the subject of suicide is difficult to talk about mostly because it makes some people too uncomfortable. People who do not understand the darkness that comes with anxiety, fear, and depression would rather not deal with it. It is not that they do not care, they just do not know what to do. Most people don’t. Even someone like me who battled for decades does not always know what to do, other than surrender it all to Jesus and trust Him to rescue again and again. But you know what? He ALWAYS does, every single time.

I have listened to some people who think that depression is something that we can just get over – they think that it is something that we can control and snap out of. Others lose patience and just want to fix us and end up making things worse even though they really do have good intentions. Then there are others who want to ignore it and hope it goes away. It is not going to go away. I think the best thing that anyone can do for someone they notice struggling is to PRAY. Ask God when to say something and when to just pray something. Encourage the person to talk about it and to not keep it bottled inside. That is when it can become lethal. Encourage them to seek help and not be ashamed — no one should ever be made to feel ashamed for their darkness. Maybe there are even opportunities to follow the example of  Job’s friends who did not say a word but just sat and wept with him when he was going through his extreme grief (see Job 2:11-13).

For anyone who feels that their life is worthless, I hope and pray this truth straight from God’s Word will help you to see past that lie. According to His Word in Psalm 139:13-16, God saw you when you were in your mother’s womb. He knew your mother and father and the circumstances of how you would be raised. He gave you the ability to survive and walks with you through good times and bad. He gave you survival techniques and guardian angels to keep and protect you (Psalm 91:11). He chose you before the foundation of the world to be holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4). I find tremendous comfort in knowing that.

I believe that God cries when we cry. I believe He laughs when we laugh and grieves each time we grieve. He watches and waits and looks forward to the day when each one of us would receive Jesus as our Savior. He longs for fellowship with us and desires that we would get to know Him intimately. I am grateful for that desire in my heart. The more I desire Him, the more I want to keep living for Him no matter what. If you haven’t asked Him into your heart yet, please do not delay any longer. And for those of you who have, remember that whenever He feels distant, do not believe the lie that He has left you. His Word says that He will never leave or forsake us. Remember that God is not a feeling, He is truth and He is there. Just call out to Him.

In Christ, God chose us as His own and has made us strong. God has placed His mark on us. He has placed His Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee for all He has promised (2 Corinthians 1:22-21). Truth!! When life gets painful, I remember Jesus on the terrible beautiful Cross and I thank Him that I will never ever have to experience the kind of pain He did on my behalf. He is my reason for living and I desire to help others along this journey to choose His gift of life too.

HOPE is here, so hold on knowing that one sweet day “He will wipe every tear from your eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4) Until then, we can make our life count and help others along the way. We can be blessed to be a blessing. Please, choose life like I am. More lives are depending on it and even though you might not see it right now, it truly is the best choice you will ever make. God loves you so.

Thank You Jesus, for choosing me. Here is my heart. I choose You. I CHOOSE LIFE. ♥

It does not matter what the world says…

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I thank God for rescuing me from this present evil world. If I were still believing and listening to what the world has to say, I would still be a worthless, depressed, suicidal drunk. I am eternally grateful that over six years ago, godly people came into my life who have taught me how to seek God with all my heart so I can find out for myself that He is as real as the air I breathe. He really is. He was so real that I put down the bottle and picked up a Bible. The Spirit of God has touched me powerfully. I discovered that Jesus is real and now He is truly alive within me. He is my Savior and Lord. He is my way. He is my truth. He is my life. He is my only means of going to the Father (John 14:6). Jesus died so that I may live and I am grateful I that I choose to live today! I am sad that not everybody believes this enough to choose life in Him like I have. The god of this world has so many captive through confusion and blindness and I am not going to give up praying for those hearts.

Anyhow, I shared last year that I was wondering if I was a bit crazy for becoming a part-time freshman in community college at the age of 49. At 50 I am still pressing on and I am only half way there. Or maybe I should say that I am already halfway to transferring to a university so I can someday earn my undergraduate degree…that certainly sounds more encouraging to me. I try not to allow myself to get too overwhelmed that I am getting older, growing more tired, and have such a long way to go, and even though I do struggle at times, I push through and it is so worth it.

The world may think I am nuts for doing this, it probably seems pointless to some. I just read an article today that mentioned the 20 worst bachelor degrees to get in today’s world of business. Dare I share that my major is psychology and that according to this article, it is the second worst degree to go for? Nice. I knew I should not have read that article, but what is done is done. I can let it bring me down and cause me to give up, or I can keep pressing on. I am choosing to keep pressing on.

Now, prior to my faith-walk with the Lord, I would have let that article discourage me enough to consider quitting on my delayed education once again. But that is not going to happen this time around because my faith has becomes super strong and I have learned not to care what others say or think (total freedom!!). I have come too far and have overcome too much to quit now — that would be crazier than anything else that I can do. I did not muster up the courage to return to college for my own sake or to prove anything for my own life. God has become the center of my life and He is the only reason that I am going for it because I believe His Word that all things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26). I truly believe.

So even though I admit that it bothered me for a minute, I choose not to care what the article says because it is of the world and about the world’s economy. I happen to be walking and living in God’s economy, not the world’s. My God always supplies to the full my every need according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). He truly does. I am not in this for the money. I am in this because my heart’s desire is to shine God’s light in the darkest places. Secular college is where He wants me right now so that is where I will be until it is time to move on to wherever He may lead next. I believe the goal is for the degree to open some doors where I can work with others struggling with what I used to struggle with and perhaps have opportunities to minister to those hurting souls. I wish I had someone ministering to me in the darkness that almost took my life, but then again, I would not be where I am today if I did not go through everything that I have gone through. I am blessed!!

I do believe that I certainly would be crazy to try any of this on my own. I am forever grateful that I have learned to commit my works to God and entrust them wholly to Him. It is He who is effectually at work in me and causes my thoughts to become agreeable with His will so that my plans shall be established and succeed (Proverbs 16:3; Philippians 2:13). How incredibly awesome is that?! I am “doing” His Word! I take Him for His Word, and His Word never returns to Him void but always accomplishes what it is sent to do (Isaiah 55:11).

I so love God’s Word. I pray that His Word and promises that never fail, will encourage someone else’s heart like He has greatly encouraged mine.

Do not let the world discourage you in your journey. It does not matter what the world says about you or about what you can or cannot do. It only matters what God says. Nothing is impossible with God and nothing is too hard for Him to do. My life is proof of that. Never ever give up because where He guides He provides. Do not quit and miss out on His best for you!

Be encouraged. God loves you.

Father, be it unto me (be it unto all of Your beloved) according to Your Word (Luke 1:38). In Jesus’ name, amen. ♥

When Christians Condemn: Lost Souls Stay Lost

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Oh how I get excited to see people zealous for God like me, but it breaks my heart to know that some of these extremely zealous people think that they need to go boldly in public to a secular environment with their Bible in one hand, a large sign in the other hand to draw attention, and proceed to stand there and yell at strangers. If that is truly God’s call for them, who am I to say it is wrong? But honestly, I have a hard time seeing that God intended for us in today’s world to stand there and yell at passersby telling them that they are being condemned to hell. Isn’t God the God of love? Almost everyone familiar with God’s Word is familiar with the “Love” chapter in 1 Corinthians 13. I highly doubt that someone who really needs to hear the good news of Jesus Christ will be able to hear God’s lifesaving message through very loud noise (like a clanging cymbal) from words such as “You are going to hell!!!!” I am sure that some being yelled at might even feel threatened that they will get beaten down with the Bible.

Apparently, this is what is happening at the community college campus that I attend on a part-time basis. I have not observed this kind of behavior myself, but I recently read a disturbing review written by a female student who stated that she would have given the college a five star review if only authorities did a better job at protecting students. She mentioned some important issues that need addressing by campus security, but the one that really got my attention and saddened my heart is when she stated that she did not feel safe from those that she termed “Prophets of Doom” who are allowed on campus waving their Bibles in one hand, holding signs in the other, and yelling out condemnation to her and others walking by.

My heart hurts at the thought of that because how in the world can that possibly help draw people to Christ? I want people to have reverential fear of the Lord, but I do not want them to fear Him in a way that they will not run to Him. That is what happened to me when I was little and I ran away from God almost my entire life. Most of you know my life almost ended in drunkenness and depression, but God came to my rescue and I am grateful that no one ever yelled at me because I would have kept running away until I died with never accepting Christ into my heart.

I believe that there is a better way to preach the good news without yelling at people. Nothing sounds good through yelling. I live my life today looking for opportunities to win hearts for Christ. I look for guidance from God for what to speak, whom to speak with, and when to speak it. Sometimes a heart may not be ready and I have a good chance of scaring people away if I run ahead of God. I do not want to do that. I want God to use me to draw hearts into His light of grace. I want to share my own story of the great lifesaving things God has done in me. He literally brought me from death to life and that is the message that I want to share. It is part of the greatest true love story ever told in the Bible and I am always ready to share it – when He makes a way for me to do so.

Judgement day is not here yet and didn’t Jesus say Himself that He did not come to condemn the world, but came to save it? Then why are some of us condemning people causing them to run away while there is still time for them to turn to Jesus?! I may sound naive and I guess I am as a fairly new Christian of less than seven years, but I am praying for those zealous people to open the eyes of their hearts and try a new way. Besides, how can we love anybody like Jesus if we are too busy condemning them? I do not believe we can. I have heard others get so caught up in saving souls that they forget that it is Jesus, and only Jesus, who does the saving. Let’s all seek God for guidance first because too many lost souls are at risk of being lost forever.

I certainly do not want to be known as a prophet of doom, but a messenger of God’s great love. Thanks for listening. There’s so much more I can say, but instead, I just want to pray. Pray with me?

Ah, truly, love never fails…thank You, Jesus. ♥

His name is Steven and God loves him too.

Debbie B. 2 Comments

How many times do we walk past those who appear lost, broken, and dirty because we are too much in a hurry to go about our daily business? I’ll be honest, I am guilty of it more than not. In the last couple of years alone, I have probably stopped (reluctantly) to speak with someone who society usually tends to ignore only three or four times. That is a sad truth. For me, most of the time it is because I am simply afraid to. Afraid of the unknown of what the person might say or do or being afraid of not knowing what to say. Fear has caused me to shy away from saying anything at all. I am tired of being afraid. More and more on this miracle journey to heaven, I am recognizing where my fear is coming from and that is from the devil. He uses it to keep us from helping others. He uses fear to keep us from spending time seeking God with our whole hearts. He does not want us to move forward in our lives, he wants to keep us captive to fear and sin. And of course he uses fear to keep us from praying because he knows how powerful prayer to the Lord God Almighty is for those who believe. Just like the Scripture says, “When a believing person prays, great things happen.” (James 5:16 TLB) Great things of God that is. That is why I believe we must fight fear like a plague, I do not want to keep letting the enemy win that battle and finally I am at the point to where he is losing more and more.

Today as usual, I was in a hurry as I was leaving the grocery store. As I was exiting quickly with my basket, I happened to look to my left and there was a young man sitting there. I could tell he has been living a rough life for who knows how long. He looked at me and I am not sure if he was trying to say something to me or not, but all that came out of me was “hi” as I kept walking toward the parking lot. That was it. Just “hi.” Well, I am grateful for my connection with the Lord these days because He was not going to let me off that easy. I knew I could not leave without going back after I loaded everything into my car. I won’t lie, I was reluctant as usual. I said to the Lord, “what can I do? I am afraid to speak to him. He’s not going to listen me. He’s probably going to give me a hard time if I talk about You, God.” Can you believe how I was trying to talk myself out of it? I can believe it, because it is usually what happens. Or I find myself relieved the person has walked away out of view and then I feel I am off the hook and say “well I was going to but they’re gone now…oh well, next time.” Next time turned out to be today since that actually just happened to me about a month earlier.

So I mustered up the courage. I grabbed a bottle of water and instead of taking the easy way out (I could have placed my cart next to where I was parked), I walked my cart all the way back to the store building where the young man was sitting. All the way there I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say, but in all my training with the Lord, I suddenly had His boldness and strength in me. I felt confident that He would help me say whatever it was that this young man needed to hear. I did have a thought that maybe I am just supposed to give him a bottle of water, but thankfully God had more in store. The young man watched me coming toward him and I was still wondering what I was doing. I put the cart away and I looked at him and said “What is your name?” As I was handing him a bottle of water he softly spoke and told me and said “God bless you” to me. I immediately became overwhelmed with the Presence of God over both of us. I know this was a divine appointment because the tears started coming from my eyes even before I was able to speak. I got choked up because the love of God was not only pouring out of my heart, it was pouring out of this young man’s heart too. That was the first time that had ever happened to me in the few times that I have mustered up the courage to speak to a soul going through hard times. I got down on my knees so I could be eye level with him. I put my hand on his shoulder without a thought. He opened up to me and told me about what landed him on the streets. I could tell that he had been “roughed up” a bit because he had cuts on his face that had not quite healed yet. He said that he had been jumped a couple of times. He said “today is the day I am going back home to be a man for my family.” He mentioned that others had prayed for him and that he finally had surrendered to God. He said he had been stubborn for too long and he had given his heart to God. He said he needed to go help his mother who was having a hard time. He had already lost his wife due to his choices, but I was so amazed about how he took responsibility and did not blame God or anyone else for his consequences.  I shared my testimony of how God rescued me too and he smiled. Mostly, I think I was there to listen and reassure him of God’s love for him.

I will never forget today — how God moved. This was such a good lesson in seeking God for guidance and letting Him lead. He gives us what we need right when we need it. There is no fear when God is in control!

I thought I was supposed to be a blessing for this stranger who looked lost, broken, and living on the streets for too long, but God turned it around and blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. I cannot believe the emotions that came out of me as I was speaking to this man, but it was God’s incredible love pouring through wanting this man to know that he is a child of God and is loved no matter what he has done. The cool thing is, he already knew. Someone else had already broken through and told him. It seems that I was just supposed to be the one today who watered the seed a little more and I trust God will send someone tomorrow and every single day and will keep drawing this man in and will restore him.

On my drive home I cried happy tears thanking and praising God for allowing me this experience. A Natalie Grant song “Clean” played on my radio and I started to cry even more. If you haven’t heard it, please look it up and listen, I believe you will be blessed by it like I was.

Please pray for this man, his name is Steven. I never expected to be blessed the way I was with what happened today. Thank You God and thank you Steven (wherever you may be). There are so many Stevens out there, please pray that they will hear, see, and believe that God has not forgotten about them either. There are so many like me out there, the difference is that I still have a roof over my head. That does not make me better than anyone else.

We see shattered, broken, and dirty but God sees whole, and beautiful. There’s nothing too dirty that He can’t make worthy. He washes us in His mercy and makes us ALL clean. Thank You, Jesus. ♥

God’s ongoing miracle of keeping me sober through the obstacles that life brings.

Debbie B. Leave a comment

It is hard to believe that it has been about 20 months since a routine exam came back with results that had the doctor concerned that I might have cervical cancer. I remember well how my life was thrown into such a state of confusion at the end of 2014. The unfavorable results had me going through a procedure that had caused physical trauma as well as emotional trauma — it was for nothing. Well, that’s what I thought when I was in the midst of the challenge. But like God always does, He worked it all out for my good. Anyway, the procedure was unsuccessful, so it was discouraging that there were still no answers. The unknown can really be a scary thing. I had to be sent to a different specialist who could do a special surgical procedure that gave hope that it would be successful in cancer prevention. After that initial so-called “simple” procedure turned into something super complicated and extremely painful leaving me in tears wondering what was next, I was so relieved to hear that they would not keep me awake for the more invasive procedure.

The whole ordeal brought me down for a bit. I blamed myself for what I was going through. I blamed it on my past choices in life. I was finally dealing with the consequences of my dark past. But I had some amazing people of faith there for me praying me through and reminding me that nothing from the past defines who I am today. I know who I am and even better than that, I know Whose I am. I belong to Jesus! I hope others who might be struggling with past mistakes will see this about themselves too. It is amazing freedom.

I am grateful to share that God opened doors for me to end up with the best specialty doctor I have ever had in my entire life of having to deal with specialty doctors. My sobriety of over six years is truly an ongoing miracle and I just have to keep sharing about it. To get through this whole thing sober is nothing short of a miracle. As I was having to go through different tests with the new doctor, I cannot tell you how many times I had to take a pregnancy test before some of the pre-surgery tests that were being done. I cannot tell you how many times someone from the medical staff asked me “are you planning on having children?” It really brought me down in spirit for a while. It was a constant reminder to me that I am childless and this procedure would make bearing a child difficult. It reminded me of my choices that took away my chances of ever experiencing the joy of motherhood like most women in my life. Never mind the fact that I am single. Never mind the fact that I have chosen to stay right with God and remain celibate, especially after God rescued me from the last dangerous relationship that had me wanting to drink myself into a coma. And never mind the fact that I was 49 years old (I have turned 50 since). I really struggled with my past choices, the painful procedures and those pregnancy tests along with too many questions about children really could have had me reaching for the bottle once again. But God is bigger than all of that and I kept holding on. I am so grateful for how real He is in my life. Trusting Him gave me the strength to not throw all the great things He has done in me away. GRATEFUL!!!

The doctor ended up removing a portion of my cervix to kill off the potential cancer in March 2015. Six months after that, she confirmed that there was no sign of cancer or pre-cancer cells — God is so good. I need one more good report before the doctor will be satisfied that I am completely healed so since it has been another six months already, I went in for test #2 just today. I am believing God for complete healing! The results should be back by next week, but no matter what, I am so grateful and in awe of the peace He has given me. I am grateful for how this whole challenge has grown my faith and trust in God. We cannot be overcomers if there is nothing to overcome, right? I am grateful for this faith-walk filled with challenges that bring me closer to the One who breathes life into me and gives me a reason to want to keep living.

I hope someone will be encouraged by this testimony of God’s power to stay sober through some of the darkest days that life brings on this side of heaven. Don’t give up hope. Many of us cry ourselves to sleep in the midnight hours when we are overwhelmed by life’s circumstances. God promises us healing and joy among so many other promises. I pray that you will keep holding on, just like me.

These words from my devotion this morning said this and I hope it will encourage you like it did me: “Look beyond today’s pain and sorrow toward the promise of joy and healing tomorrow.”

Here is a Psalm from the Holy Scriptures for the road, be blessed by God’s Word to you: “Trust Me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give Me glory.” ~Psalm 50:15

Jesus carried our sins in His body to the cross. We are dead to sin and now live for what is right. By His wounds, we are healed. (God’s Word, not mine!) I believe! Show us Your glory dear God, in Jesus’ name.