Those words are heartfelt, even though they may come across as cruel. That isn’t my intention. If God makes you cry the way He makes me cry, then you are beyond blessed and I wish that I could sit with you and hear your story of God in your life. If you’re someone who has not yet experienced the awesomeness of God’s power in your life, maybe you’re even wondering if He is real (like I used to wonder), then I wish I could sit with you as well and perhaps convince you to allow me to share God’s amazing testimony in my life with you. Maybe, just maybe, you’d find some hope through it. Maybe you’d feel His powerful Presence through me—I seem to glow pretty darn bright when given a chance to share the great things of God. I can feel the glow every time I write or speak about Him. But since we can’t sit together in person, that’s why this blog was created. Not to tell my story, but to tell HIS story. I hope you will take a look at some of the previous posts, they are all true stories from the heart. Amazing stories of God’s miracles in my life. It’s hard to tell if this blog will continue, I still don’t get to write as much as I wish but I continue to follow my heart and keep taking chances with posts hoping that the Lord blesses a soul or two along the way. From what I can tell, He is moving through it a bit and I am grateful for that.
So, God makes me cry…A LOT. Much of it has been from growing pains in recovery. I knew I was broken, but I had no idea how much. The year 2013 brought everything to the surface and wow has it been some healing process. Many, many, MANY tears. I’ve been thinking of all the tears I have shed over the last few years since I became sober and made a decision to give my heart and entire life to Jesus. Well, first I gave my heart to Jesus, then about five years after that I gave my entire life to Jesus, THEN I became sober after a couple of decades of alcoholism and rock bottom cry for help. Only God has the power to do that. I believe and know it in my heart. Stories I’ve heard more than once have convinced me of it as well. I’ve heard where people who had been sober for 10 plus or even 20 plus years relapsed. When they fell, they fell hard. They lost EVERYTHING. Each time, the person admitted that they had turned away from God. We get strong and then some of us get foolish. We try taking control again believing that we can do it on our own. It may work for a while, but we WILL fall. It’s just a matter of when. Some of us may take longer than others. I don’t want to be that person. So over and over again, I surrender to God asking Him to help me because I CANNOT keep my sobriety on my own. I thank God that I know that. I had to make some major changes in my life and I see some people not ready to do that yet. I keep praying for them. I pray the Lord will give them the strength and desire to do whatever it takes to get well.
In my church and Bible study at Hope Center of Christ, we are currently studying The Sermon on the Mount, starting of course with The Beatitudes. I love the first one: “Blessed are the poor in spirit…” I like how The Message puts it: “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope…” and God’s Word Translation says it this way: “Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless…” the meaning of Matthew 5:3 doesn’t get any clearer than that. The moment I became “poor in spirit” admitting that I am helpless and powerless without God and asking Jesus to help me was when His amazing power took hold of me and stopped me from succeeding in drinking myself to death.
It is January 20, 2014. If you look to the right of this blog page you will see a milestone tracker counting down to my celebration date for 4 years of sobriety—February 26, 2014. It says “1 month to go”. I’m down to counting the actual days and it’s 37!!! Praise God! My sobriety is a 100% miracle from God after crying out to Him from a hospital room. I will never forget it, I will never regret it. That was February 26, 2010, the morning after my 44th birthday. I reluctantly started a 12 step program at Celebrate Recovery in January 2013. I swore I didn’t really need to do it, but that was a lie. I, of course, was in denial. Well, it’s a little over a year later and I am about two months away from graduating. I almost quit in the middle of it when it got too hard, but God kept me strong and He has blessed me with amazing people who encouraged me to never quit. I don’t think I could have made it this far without them, especially my pastor. After I graduate, it seems I will have a chance to start co-leading a small group in the near future. If it’s God’s will, I will become the small group leader and then who knows what He’s got for me next. I can’t think that far ahead, it gets too overwhelming. I do pray though, that God will bring someone in my life that I can walk alongside and minister to and encourage to never give up and to keep God first. I think I will make a good sponsor, I have learned so much in the last few years and I want to give away that knowledge. I want people to experience God like I have.
I’ve come a long way in the healing process. I’ve made it through the most difficult parts which have really prepared me quite well to deal with future challenges. But God still makes me cry. I cry when I feel His overwhelming love pouring into my heart. I cry when I pray for others because He’s given me a heart that feels the pain of the broken hearted. After all, my heart is broken because His heart is broken too. I cry when I see the amazing stars on a clear night. I cry when I see a breathtaking sunrise or sunset. I cry when I hear the beautiful songs of the birds singing to God in the morning. I cry when I get to sing beautiful worship songs with an amazing praise team in church on Sundays. I cry because I know I am loved and I am worth dying for. I cry because I am a daughter of a King. I cry because I am alive and Jesus has set me free. I cry because I have a reason to keep living–to serve God and help other hurting hearts. I cry because God did not allow me to die in the pit of hell that I was captive in for my entire adult life. I cry because I have seen miracle after miracle. I cry because I am beyond blessed and grateful to God for everything. All this crying is from an overflowing grateful heart. Those are the best kind of tears to cry. And when God is finished with me on this earth I will die. But it will not be the end. It will be the beginning of something unimaginably AWESOME. Man, that makes me cry even more. 🙂
So for anybody reading this…I hope God makes you cry too. There will be some tears of pain, but I pray most of your tears will be from pure joy that comes from the Lord. And when the tears start to wear you down a bit, don’t get discouraged. Be encouraged. If I can do all of this and remain steadfast, so can any of you. Remember, it’s His power not your own that will keep you standing strong. Think about this: You have a reason to live too. Someone else’s life is depending on it and God’s testimony that He’s waiting to write into your life is going to help save a life or two. How awesome is that?! In the meantime, here’s a Bible verse for you to remember about your tears: “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Psalm 126:5) Amen. I can certainly testify to that.
Thank you for reading my post. Please share it with someone who may need some encouragement. Ask the Lord for help in whatever your struggle is, have a teachable spirit, and NEVER EVER give up. God loves you more than you can ever know. I’ll be praying…
Keeping Hope Alive † 
Beautifully written. God is awesome & it such a blessing to see how he is working through you. I am going to print this out to send to Jeremiah. Remember him? He is doing very well since totally surrendering to our Lord last Easter. His has found JOY & creativity, sharing what he has learned thru correspondence with others searching, plus helping other inmates. His only unmet desire is Christian Fellowship, No access to worship services & no other Christians in his unit. Death Row inmates are on their own. He does have a T.V. provided by fellow Christians like myself.
It has been a wonderful 4 years of our friendship. It seems the Lord has led me into a prison ministry. I am also corresponding with a young man in Texas that my grandson Chris originally put me in touch with, his name is Stephen. He has a long way to go & thinks he can do it in his own efforts. So, my path with him is a new challenging journey.
I am glad to report my grandson Chris is doing very well. VERY busy in the prison ministry at his unit, working various jobs & continuing to work on understanding past relationships & how that fits in his future, plus take college classes, his goal his AA degree before he is paroled. Next parole review in 2 years. He will have served 7 – 8 years by then which means he would eligible for parole – he has an excellent record so we are hopeful. Our prayer is for God’s timing – God has done such wondrous things in his life since he was incarcerated. Another example of the goodness of our God.
I do still miss you Debbie but am so happy for where you are & the way you serve our Lord. I have such blessed memories of our small group. Give Paul & Debbie a hug for me. Miss you all!! Thank God for Facebook where I can keep in touch.
Love, Marge
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Good to hear from you Marge! I remember Jeremiah. I’m glad to hear he’s doing much better than the last time I heard. I pray that he keeps holding on to the Lord no matter what. Thank you for sharing about such wonderful things of God with me. I am grateful for those times in small group when I was just starting my walk with the Lord. I will always remember and be thankful that you were a part of it. I miss you too. I pray all is well with you and I’m thankful for being able to stay in touch through facebook too! Thanks for sharing my blog. I will give our friends a hug for you! Take care and God bless you richly! Love, Debbie B.
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Hi, my name is Michael and I’m a 15 year old boy from Melbourne Australia. I think it would be best to start from the beginning. My parents used to be happy together, but when I was very little, probably around 2 years old. But they soon grew tired of each other and started fighting a lot, at least that’s what my mother tells me I really don’t remember much. I think they decided to wait a while before they split up because it was better for me and my brother’s health mentally and physically but even so I was still very young when they split up, around 4-5 years old. The only thing I remember from before they split up is this: I could hear my mum and dad fighting outside and so I walked out to see what was happening. When they realised I was standing in the doorway they stopped and my dad walked off into the shed we have outside. My mum then came over to me and I asked why they were fighting and she said I was too young to understand. But my memory stops there. Anyway they ended up getting divorced when I was in primary school, I think I was around 6-7 years old. A few years later my dad met a woman (who he would later end up marrying) and at the time I thought she was a nice lady. She has two boys that me and my brother get along with really well. When I was around 10-12 years old my dad and his girlfriend decided we should move in together. At first it was great and everybody was getting along nicely but after a few months I noticed my dad acting weirdly, he was no longer the fun dad that used to let us stay up a little later to watch movies with him or the guy that cooked my favourite dinner whenever I asked him instead, he was… different. He stopped letting us stay up late and instead acted very strict about bedtimes, he stopped cooking my favourite meals and instead let his girlfriend cook. I don’t really know how to explain what happened, he was just different, he wasn’t my dad anymore. From this point forward I was miserable at my dads house and I was always counting the days until I went back to mums house, and I think my brother felt the same way. Soon after that they decided to get married. Soon after that my brother started having massive fights with my dad and his wife and made the hard choice to live with my mum. This was when my dad’s wife got too involved with my mum. They started having court fights and it was really bad. So after my brother left it was just me, my dad, his wife, and her two boys. It was hard without my brother there. I had nobody to turn to, I felt like I was living in the wrong house with the wrong family. But I waited. I gave my dad a chance. I gave him a chance to realise that he had made a huge mistake, and that he wasn’t who he used to be. I waited two years but it just got worse. I was having symptoms of depression when I was at dad’s house. It was just too much for me to handle. By this stage the court fighting and the lawyers had gone to a whole new level and it was really bad. So I knew it was time for me to make a decision. Dad or Mum. I chose to live with my brother and my mum full time, I was too afraid to confront my dad face to face so I told him over the phone when I got back to my mums house. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. That was at the the start of February this year. I haven’t communicated with my father since. I know what you’re thinking what does my story have to do with yours, right? Well since I talked to my dad on the phone I’ve seen signs. I keep seeing repeating numbers mostly 333 and when I see these signs I am suddenly filled with a calmness and happiness and I can feel a bright pure presence and I am so happy that I cry. I am happy because I have found God and I believe that he gave me the courage and the strength to live through the tough times that have been my life so far. I have tried to follow god before though and like you mentioned, gave up on him believing that I could push through by myself, but that was when I quickly fell apart into a heap of sadness and that was when I had thoughts of suicide, when I thought my life was not worth living. But God have me strength and the right people came into my life to help me push through it. I no longer have these thoughts and I believe I have a purpose in life, that I am here for a reason. God has given me the gift of music. I play piano, guitar, sing, and create modern electronic music using a computer that I built myself. I have been told by my music teacher at school that I “Have an amazing voice and talent with music”. Hearing this makes me so happy and grateful that god has given me this gift so that I may in future use it to help others in their troubles times like I was helped in mine. I believe that is my purpose in life, to make music and help others live their lives. I knew that I couldn’t have been the only one to feel this way about God and so I did a quick google search and up came your post. After reading your story I thought I should share mine with you. Thank you. May the Lord be with you 🙂
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Hello Michael, I can’t begin to tell you how much your message and testimony have blessed me. I’m so glad you shared your story, thank you! I too come from a broken home. I was older when my dad left the family, but it was the beginning of my troubled life. I’m so grateful to hear how you have found God and you are discovering the gifts He’s given to you so you can serve Him and help bring others to get to know Him! I love music, I sing my heart out to God every Sunday on the praise team at church. God uses music in amazing ways, how exciting for you! I pray that God will touch many hearts through you and your music AND through your story, please keep sharing it every chance you get! You are going to be able to help so many people, you won’t be able to imagine how many, but God knows! God bless you! 🙂
Deb Bonilla
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I’m glad I could share it, it feels good to get that off my chest :). And if I could have this experience again, I wouldn’t change a thing, because it’s shown me how lucky I am to have what I have and that other people aren’t always as lucky. I hope I can help a lot of people, someday I want to start a music school for disadvantaged children at no cost, I think that could change people’s lives and can give them the joy of music! 🙂
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You are blessed to be a blessing!
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Amen! I too have been touched by God! So this week I was at a bible camp and we were doing the ending ceremony where each person shares what they learned about God that week and I just broke down and started crying. Not because I was sad but because I could feel Gods presence. And after the service, it was night and we all were having s’mores and I looked up and saw something that upon seeing it, I will never be the same! Made up of the only stars in the sky, was a giant cross face down at us and it was amazing. At the end of the night, we were all going to bed and the cross faded away. Now I’m a changed man!
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Austin, thank you SO much for sharing this! I love hearing how God has touched and changed other lives too. May God continue to bless you richly and may others be blessed by Him through you as well. To God be the glory!
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